Stanhope Gets Troy Holmed

by ANDREW J HICKS

—

This guy stole Doug Stanhope's routines verbatim. All we did was steal this doctored photo from Facebook.

My night’s entertainment has come courtesy of first-rate comedian Doug Stanhope and some sixth-rate dude named Troy Holm. Each one, apparently, wrote the following bit:

i’m going to tell you how to win the war on drugs. the way you have to do it is to attack the source. the source of the drug problem. it’s not the growers or the suppliers. it’s the people that are responsible for making life so absolutely boring, and dull, and predictable, that you rather put toxins in your system to get away from that! whoever that is responsible for T.G.I.Friday’s, and Ashton Kutcher, and Last Comic Standing, and PT Cruisers, and 8 Simple Rules For Raping My Teenage Daugher (or whatever it was called), and Vin Diesel, and whoever made life so fuckin’ dull that you’re working for 5 to enjoy 2.

Stanhope has performed this bit in front of many (probably hundreds of) audiences. Troy Holm is a balding fireman who used to write a blog called Examining My Dance Pattern. Troy’s favorite topics of discussion — picking up beautiful ladies, lying to beautiful ladies so he can have sex with them, getting drunk and working as a fireman. It was a pedestrian little Tucker Max-lite blog.

Every now and then, Troy Holm would spice things up by posting entire Stanhope routines, transcribed word for word, while never acknowledging Stanhope as the source. Don’t you remember the rules? High school English? It’s okay to use someone’s words if you tell us you used them. Pretend those words are yours, and all lit geek/indie comic hell can break loose.

It’s semi-fascinating to look at the comments section for Troy Holm’s “Working Hard/Prison/Drug War” post, which has been up since July 15, 2010. On July 16, one woman commented on the blog post. On July 18, Troy Holm left a single reply comment, acting as if the words in the post were all his. Then the post sat idle for 18 months. Suddenly, commenters (825 so far) began to explode with scarlet-letter rage and indignation. Troy, they’ve said, is a “plagiarizing shitstain,” “unoriginal twat” and “talentless turd.” (One of my favorites: “I bet you say shit in ‘Borat voice’ at parties too.”)

Troy Holm’s Facebook profile pics have also suddenly become riddled with venomous words from Stanhope fans. Troy has a receding hairline, so read the comments and you’ll see 100 bald insults that are damn near the same joke. (Guys writing unoriginal, hacky bald jokes to insult a dude who got caught stealing words from a famous person? It’s an Inception-level mindfuck!)

Best of all, Stanhope’s army of followers was tipped off to Troy Holm’s existence by Stanhope himself. Stanhope left at least one comment on Troy’s Facebook profile (“I Know What You Did Last Summer”) and shared a link to Occupy Troy Holm, a Facebook fan page that picked up 850 likes its first hour. Spend 10 minutes hitting Pg Dn every four seconds, and you’ll find some good roast-type jokes — mostly in the C- to B+ range — at Troy Holm’s expense.

Whether Troy’s blog or Facebook profile will still be active by the time you read this, it’ll be interesting to see how much more cyberabuse this man takes and how far up the media ladder this story will get before it quickly fades. But remember, kids, no one likes a plagiarist. But if you must plagiarize, please plagiarize someone more obscure than Doug Stanhope.

Broken News | 2011 Year-End Review

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

So, here we are at the end of 2011. It’s been quite the eventful year for news coverage, to be sure. I’ve taken a lot of time off from We’re Not Funny to focus on other things, but when Editor-In-Chief-Comedian-Extraordinaire Andrew J. Hicks threw the idea at me to do a year-end news review… well, it just sounded right. So here you go folks, more of the same old snarky, dry jokes you’re used to from me.

Herman Cain suspends presidential campaign after allegations of marital affair and sexual harassment

Herman Cain is a pimp straight out of the old school. The man gets his whole shit busted for all of his infidelity then has the brassnuts to bow out of the race while blaming it on the media figuring out what a swine he is. That’s right. It’s not his fault he can’t keep his Calzone out of some extramarital Deep Dish, it’s the media to blame for finding the sad Train O’ Whores. That’s gangster, son… gangster.

Rapture predicted for May 21st

Another religious nutjob had an end-time prediction. Not just any prediction, but an exact date. Like a good heathen even I know the bible says not even Jesus knows ‘the day nor the hour’ the Big G will come back, but this guy thought he did. This date, of course, passed by with little incident. Well, unless you count the woman who tried to kill her kids and herself to save them all, or the numerous other folks who sold off all they owned or gave it away. Nevermind all that, though, I’m just happy I get another undefined period of time to jack-off to Emma Watson in the first Harry Potter, err… the last one… the LAST Harry Potter.

Lindsay Lohan spends 5 hours in jail for probation violation

Seriously? This made the top news of 2011? Am I on Candid Camera? OK, listen Two-Thousand Eleven, you and I have to talk. You fucked up, you fucked up real bad and I am not happy at all about it. When I made a wish on January 1, 2011 for a talentless coke-whore to die, and a talented coke-whore to find some rehabilitation, this is not at all what I meant. You mixed that shit all up, 2011. Amy Winehouse was supposed to be the one to find some rehabilitation.

Congress passes deal to raise debt ceiling

All seemed well and rational in congress, at first, until John “DJ Boner” Boehner dropped a beat and shouted out “raise ‘da roof, homeslices.” Add to this Michelle Bachmann’s confusion over the issue and it’s easy to see why this passed:

Casey Anthony found guilty of giving false info to law enforcement

Frankly, this one makes me sick. Not for the reasons you are thinking, though. First of all, how many of you were on the Jury of her trial? Yeah, I thought so… All you heard about for two weeks on Social Media sites was this woman. Y’all don’t know that she did or did not do a thing, so what’s with all the trippin’ over it? Seriously, don’t we all have some bills to pay or a book to read or something? And what makes me even more gut-hurt over this? Immediately after the trial you have porn producers trying to get a contract with her for a movie. I mean seriously? Who the hell wants to watch a porn starring a pretty attractive young woman who claims to have been sexually abused as a child and is a possible child-murderer? Who? Tell me who! Wait… who? Eric Dohman? Oh…

Major protests in Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, Greece, Iran…

The Occupy Movement, the getting-off-of-your-ass-and-doing-something-about-it movement for the video game generations. I stand in solidarity with you guys, but I must say, I think you got it mixed up a bit. I understand the thought of targeting the petty bourgeoisie on Wall Street, where they do little to make lots, I do. However, I don’t think that has the impact you could have had with a little more creativity. Like any good Ayn Rand fanatic, the 1% are completely irrational and must bed their married understudies to… wait… no that’s just Ayn Rand. The point I make here is that we should Occupy them where it hurts. Occupy the Mercedes dealership. The Lear jet manufacturer. Realdoll.com. The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Iraq, Afghanistan, or Palestine… wait, no they already have those occupied.

2012 Celebrity Death Picks

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

—

Dick Cheney has one thing to say to the Grim Reaper.

Almost a year ago, I posted my 2011 Celebrity Death Picks. I certainly missed the mark, but don’t ask Liz Taylor. (Liz “famously said, ‘A world without Michael Jackson just isn’t worth living in.’ I agree, so get out!”) There were the obvious misses, like Amy Winehouse, Andy Rooney, Harry Morgan, Betty Ford and even Heavy D. But Randy “Macho Man” Savage? Who saw that coming? And Dr. Jack Kevorkian? May I just say, “Bahahahaha!!!”

Also, Dick Clark still lives. He has proven to be an elusive bastard indeed. I give up, Dick. You will live on forever, even if no one ever understands another word you drool.

So here go my 2012 predictions:

• Muhammad Ali — All of Ali’s weights are now considered Shake Weights. Even Michael J. Fox has a shot at knocking out the champ.

• Wilford Brimley — The Cocoon jig is almost up, Willie. We have all bought enough insurance, denture cream and shitty cereal based on your endorsements. Now move over. Dick Van Dyke needs the work.

• Dolly Parton — Insert “big titty” joke here.

• Kirk Douglas — Last year, I picked Michael Douglas and blew it big time. Damn you, cancer cures! If I can’t have the son, I’ll take the father.

• Zsa Zsa Gabor — For chrissakes! She has died three times in the last five years. Can a brother get a decent coroner?

• Kelsey Grammer — Just a hunch…

• Fidel Castro — When Fidel drops, my 1959 Castro dictator rookie card will double in value. And to think, the Cubs just hired Fidel as their new hitting coach.

• Andy Dick — I’m calling it right here! Suicide by April 1st. No fooling.

• Tito Jackson — Tito is the Frank Stallone of his family. He will never hit more home runs than his brother Reggie or win as many championship rings as his cousin Phil. So I forsee a sporting goods accident around mid-summer. Sleep well, La Toya, you may be up next year.

• Joan Collins — I masturbated to Dynasty-era Joanie C in the early ’80s. Here’s a clue: Linda Evans in the library with the candlestick.

• Dick Cheney — Sorry, no hunting accident, just a good ol’ fashioned heart attack.

• Jerry Lewis — This guy has blown up so big, I swear I saw him floating above the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Time to pop, Jer.

• Andy Griffith — My lone holdover from last year. I just know 2012 is his year.

• Adam West — Holy embalming fluid, Batman! POW!

—

SIDEBAR NOTE: I was all set with the great, obscure, dark-horse death pick of Francine Hurd Barker of Peaches and Herb fame. I’ll be damned if Francine didn’t one up me in 2005. R.I.P. Peaches.

Kim Jong Dead

edited by ANDREW HICKS

Once he'd stared into his right hand for an hour or so without blinking, Kim Jong's hand would turn into Satan and give him relationship advice.

—

AMANDA DOPPLER
Who the fuck is Kim Jong Il, and why is he dead?!

ERTEL GRAY
Kim Jong Il dead? Man, and I thought he was just ill. Turns out I was dead Jong.

JEFF BAILEY
Kim Jong, are you serious?! This is seriously fucking my fantasy dictator team. It’s the playoffs!

ERIC DOHMAN
Weekend at Kim Jong’s. Now THAT would be funny.

Haiku News, 10 October 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

US Military Drones Infected With Mysterious Computer Virus

This is no surprise
to those of us who know what
drones do after dark.

—–

Paul McCartney, Nancy Shevell wed in London

Another marriage?
Lets hope that this one has
a leg to stand on.

—–

Zsa Zsa Gabor undergoes stomach surgery

Wait a damn minute.
You mean to tell me that this
bitch is still alive?

—–

Steve Jobs’ pancreatic cancer may have been diagnosed late

Diagnosed too late?
The real tragedy is that
there’s no app for that.

—–

How Obama’s data-crunching prowess may get him re-elected

Vote for Obama!
Why? It is simple really.
This MoFo knows math!

Haiku News, 3 October 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

California prevents ban on male circumcision

Nothing to fear here.
You are free as a bee to
chop off your cock sock.

—–

Suspicious package probed on Biden brother’s road

Suspicious package?
Ha! Is that a euphemism?
Probe this here package!

—–

Battlefield 3 Beta Impressions

Ooh, very shiny.
Shoot people and cuss on chat.
Please pass the Cheetos.

—–

Kanye West’s Fashion Show ‘Monumental,’ Ciara Says

‘Imma’ let you finish,
But seriously Kanye,
you make clothing now?

—–

Will Earth Be Struck By Massive Asteroid? Probably Not

Probably not, huh?
This news is as useless as
this fucking Haiku.

—–

Dead bee mystery has state officials buzzing

Buzzing? Are you for real?
Bee’s and Buzzing. Ha ha ha!
See what you did there!

—–

Occupy Wall Street Day 13, October 2, 2011

Grab your damn pitch-fork,
And fire up the propane grill.
Time to eat the rich.

Haiku News, 26 September 2011

We all forget things at times... just like this silly hooch forgot to flush.

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

Last minute recall –
Haiku News is due tonight.
Oh well, fuck it then!

—–

Haiku News Haiku –
A Haiku ’bout a Haiku.
Haiku Inception!

—–

Haiku News, 19 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

It's 'policy' when you take from the poor to keep the rich happy. It's 'warfare' when you take money from a millionaire who will still be a millionaire afterwards.

—–

Republicans Call Obama’s Tax Plan ‘Class Warfare’

Kill the middle class.
And then call the Kettle black.
Neo-Con trash Pots.

—–

New England faces possible pumpkin shortage

A Pumpkin shortage?
I bet it’s Peter. Peter
Damn Pumpkin Eater.

—–

Windows 8: What you need to know

Same as Win 7
with a fugly Start Menu.
The future is here.

—–

PlayStation Network Updates Protect Sony from Lawsuits

You can’t sue Sony.
I did not know my console
was an H.M.O.

—–

Exclusive: Lohan ‘Distressed’ By Bad Girl Reports

Left Rehab today.
Interview held in Night Club.
Don’t call me ‘Bad Girl.’

—–

US gamers crack puzzle in AIDS research that stumped scientists for years

Three-Hundred Fifty.
Is not only Gamer weight,
but I.Q. as well!

Haiku News, 12 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—

Bartz Resigns from Yahoo Board

What is this “Yahoo!”?
I will have to Google it.
Oh! Ha ha ha ha.

—–

Jersey Shore: Snooki and Deena Fight in the Dark

Tried to watch this show.
TV screen was all orange.
Took it for repair.

—–

NASA Launches Satellites to Map Moon’s Core

In this day and age,
A mystery at last we solve.
Is it made of cheese?

—–

Why does the female orgasm exist?

Science does not know.
Will need more research funding
for trips to Vegas.

—–

3 held in Detroit over bathroom trips on plane

Damn you T.S.A.
A man can’t drop a stink-deuce
seven times per flight?

—–

Woman dies after injecting hot beef fat into face

Damn you silly woman!
Now you totally ruined
my best pick-up line.

Haiku News, 5 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

—–

The newly-discovered Shroud Of Palin

Government sues 17 big banks for mortgages

Government suing banks
Going to recoup money
Just to waste again

—–

Sarah Palin gives a rousing non-campaign campaign speech in Iowa

Whenever mentioned
A Palin Presidential Run
Jesus cries kittens

—–

Will Chaz Bono Use Cher’s Music on Dancing With the Stars?

With Chaz Bono there
And that Cunt-faced Nancy Grace
Will anyone watch?

—–

New species of ancient rhinoceros found in Tibet

Spiritual Sage
Enlightened Rhinoceros
Prophesy foretold

—–

For $620K, You Too Can Own a Jet-Powered Batmobile

So this must be why
Class warfare is in vogue now
Republican toys

—–

Domino’s to serve pizzas on the Moon, apparently

The space vacuum
May actually help with
The cardboard flavour

—–

Who is WikiLeaks Blaming for Breaching Its Security?

WikiLeaks has leak
Should update security
With some WikiTweaks

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 12

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Coroner?"

• Fuck trial and error! I want trial and success! Like when I’m shopping on sample day, and I get to taste a delicious new bacon or sausage product.

• It’s gotten to the point that, under “marital status,” I write in “I HAVE A CAT.”

• I once fucked a guy with the same name as my dad. It was SO weird hooking up with a guy named Dad.

• My resolution for 2012 is to be wined and dined instead of nickle-and-dimed.

• While impressed with strippers who can” make it clap”, I won’t be totally awed until they can make that shit speak American Sign Language.

• Have you ever just listened carefully, stopped and wondered: WHAT THE FUCK IS R. KELLY TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!

• If I rape a clown, THEN is it funny?

• Sometimes I celebrate my whiteness. Like now. I’m enjoying a Fresca. Immensely.

• “YO MTV VMA’S! IMMA LETCHOO FINISH, BUT….” –Beyonce’s fetus

• I just passed a 13-year-old kid on a bike who was singing “Sweet Caroline.” I hate that fucking kid.

• I just heard that Gary Coleman STILL isn’t buried. I’m CONVINCED it’s because he refuses to go any lower.

• I hate being judged for being in my late 30s and owning a cat. It’s pretty unfair to skip over all my other dysfunctional qualities.

• Screen captchas make me feel like I’m taking a field sobriety test.

• My boyfriend’s idea of romance is holding hands. While I suck his dick.

• Every guy who’s known me intimately has truly loved my insides.

• I just got a piece of my vag caught in my zipper. Thank GOD there’s more where THAT came from.

• Somebody as tall as me just asked me to reach something for them. HOLY FUCK! These pajamas give me SUPER HEIGHT!

• GOD! I sure wish I had some candy right now! #ShitYouDontSayToAGuyWithAVan

• I feel extremely white when I listen to Tom Petty. Even if Lil Wayne drops a remix with him, this will never change.

• When a guy is being creepy to me via the Internet, 9 times out of 10, he’s a foreigner. Good job keeping the sterotypes alive, “buddy.”

• You ever have an uncontrollable urge to fuck one of your friends? Cuz otherwise it’s a waste of all that raw GHB?

• You ever wish you were back in high school? You know, so sex wasn’t so illegal anymore?

• If I had a dollar for every time anyone said, “I didn’t know you were so smart.” Then I’d be rich, and they’d say, “I didn’t know you were so rich.”

• I was excited to get invited to a dating sight for faithful singles. But it was Black People Meet. WIn or loss??? YOU decide!

• I need the hip-hop community to come up with some new synonyms for my fat girl jokes.

• I was always so grateful I wasnt one of those girls whose cousin took them to prom. THANKS Jacob Howell, Christian youth camp counselor!

• Since I’m home alone, I’m eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese. I’m home alone because I sit at home alone eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese.

• I SWORE I just heard a “house phone” ring in here. Either I’m stroking out, it’s the 80’s, or Jesus is coming.

• I think most guys like dogs better because they know you can’t turn a cat lady into a housewife.

• Legalizing prostitution would NOT increase jobs, it would DECREASE “rental assistance.”

• Whenever my best friend is in a pinch for babysitters, I help by calling around to see who can get there the fastest from Watchtower.

• I’m writing a book on how today’s society stalks above the law. You reading this, retweeting or responding saves me a shit-ton of research.

• Walking home from high school in a Catholic school uniform was OBVIOUSLY a horrible idea. Rape should be more “surprisey.”

• In high school, my nickname was “Hoover.” Don’t go thinking it was code for anything. It just came from me giving a lot of blowjobs.

• I’ve tricked a LOT of guys into giving me oral with a little game I like to call Just The Lip.

• I grew up in a very open family. Or at least that’s how my dad described it to his brother while discussing my mom.

• My black friend laughed at my last name being a Scantron nightmare. But he empathized with the frustration of it just never fitting.

• The minute than men can start paying for pussy, I’m FUCKED.

• I had a HORRIBLE time remembering my ex’s birthday, because I was so busy loving the idea of his death.

• I am EXTREMELY horrible at forgetting I forgave you.

• There is nothing more disappointing than bad sex, aside from the guy NOT crying when you tell him.

• I was asked to bring a headshot to an audition. I’m new to all this, I was a bit hurt they didn’t like the donkey punch porn my ex and I made.

• ‎Every time I go down my stairs, I almost slip and fall on the same step. I’m CONVINCED it’s a ghost. And questioning if it’s that fifth of vodka.

• It’s nights like this I totally understand crack addiction. Sucking dick for a piece of toast with cinnamon sugar sounds fair to me.

• I’m cool with my boyfriend choking me during sex, just not so much when I’m sleeping.

• The good thing about bed bugs is that you ALWAYS have something to snuggle.

• My Pandora station is playing a whole lot of I Was Raped As a Little Boy songs. This makes me REALLY question what my brother’s up to.

• One does not have to be humiliated in order to attain humility.

• My boyfriend takes me to see all the rejumps of the ’80s and ’90s movies. So sex isn’t the ONLY thing I fall asleep in the middle of.

• My boyfriend HATES it when I don’t say I love you. But I totally understand. Because sometimes I hate him.

• People are often amazed that I eat what I want and stay thin. When they ask me my secret, I tell them. LOTS of cardio and vomiting.

• I’m listening to Lil Wayne’s “Gonorrhea” and wondering if he knew how to spell and treat it, not just transmit it.

• The weirdest thing about sleeping alone tonite is that feeling of “HOLY SHIT! I TOTALLY didn’t just fuck somebody!”

Haiku News, 29 August 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

I don't care how good she looks, or how drunk you are, DO NOT make babies with this Neanderthal Woman

—–

Hurricane Irene Leaves Thousands Without Power In Maryland

Hurricane Irene
If you must knock out power
Do so in D.C.

—–

Apple CEO Steve Jobs Stepping Down

Apple® without Jobs
Like Windows® without Blue-screen
Stable but ugly

—–

Hurricane Irene may test cell phone networks

Well at least in this
Economy, hurricanes
can still get a job

—–

Astronomers discover planet made of diamond

Planet of diamond?
In the cosmical street game
That’s baller-ass shit

—–

Sex with Neanderthals likely strengthened human immune system

Worked for us then, not
so much now. Neanderthals
now lower gene pool

—–

Lions impressive in preseason rout of New England

Obligatory
Sports article haiku here
Not even worth the brainpower to count syllables on the third line

When Disaster Strikes, Drink Vodka

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Shoulda got here a little earlier, lady. The good toilet paper is long gone.

It’s been a rough week for people who live close to the nation’s capital. An “earthquake event” this week led straight into a massive “hurricane event.” Hope you got out your ark and your paddles, folks. Hope you loaded up the animals, and battened down the hatches. Irene’s a real frog-strangler.

Here is the really interesting part. Virginia declared a “state of emergency” on Thursday. First thought in my brain when I heard the news: I wonder how late the liquor store is open. I was out of vodka, and there was no way in hell I was going to weather a Category 3 hurricane without some hooch. While the rest of the world stuffed their grocery carts with non-perishables and toilet paper, I was wondering if I should use grenadine or sweet and sour in the Serene Irene cocktail I was inventing.

(By the way, have you NOTICED how many hurricane names start with the letter I? Ike, Isabelle, Igor. And this is the second Hurricane Irene in 12 years. We should start at “Z” next year and work our way backwards through the alphabet, just for a change of pace. We can call the first one “Zazoo” or “Zippy”.)

It’s always such fun to watch the masses scramble to clean out every item known to man from the grocery store shelves. Hell, chaos reigns supreme after a half-inch of snow is forecasted in the metro D.C. area. I challenge you to find anything worth eating, drinking or wiping your butt with when a snowstorm is approaching around here. The Charmin and Angel Soft are the first to go. Arrive too late, and you will be wiping with house-brand sandpaper during the storm.

My pre-Irene shopping list was as follows — vodka for me, bourbon for my husband, club soda and Pepsi for mixers, a couple of limes, maybe some champagne for mimosas, and of course, Charmin. I didn’t buy any food, because I don’t cook on weekends, and I definitely don’t cook during Category 3 hurricanes. Hot dogs and PB&Js have sufficed just fine, and it’s great to make the Domino’s guy drive to your house during a hurricane.

As of midnight Sunday, my power was still on. I got some pre-season football in, and some booze, and I’ve been using the softest of toilet paper. I never thought I’d say it, but hurricanes can be pretty cool sometimes.

Haiku News, 22 August 2011

by T. Allan Christopher

Now who is going to catch you masturbating?

A&F offers to pay ‘Situation’ NOT to wear their clothing

Please keep your clothes on
Just not with our name on them
Guido ass bastard

—–

Burger King retires its mascot to focus on food

Freaky ass King head
Focus on your plastic fries
Not your plastic mask

—–

Apple Developing New iPad

Is it weird that I
Still hear “iPad” and think of
Feminine Napkins?

—–

What if ET thinks we’re evil?

They think us evil?
Lets show them bitches evil!
Eat a nuke E.T.!

—–

Mystery goo in Alaska now called fungal spores

Wait a damn second
You mean to say it was not
Orange Julius?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 11

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

• 

  Dead Elvis jokes: Too soon?

  Today marks the 34th anniversary of me still not giving a shit that Elvis died.

• A white kid’s rite of passage from childhood to adulthood, is the first time they say “fuck” to their mom SUCCESSFULLY.

• I broke up with my ex like 3 months ago, and he’s STILL sending me dirty texts! I FINALLY told him, “Dude, if I didn’t cum by now…”

• Glee makes my vagina seal shut.

• Cats are horrible at handshakes and hugs.

• Anytime somebody tells me, “I’ll pray for you!” I think, “OH FUCK! To YOUR God?!”

• I’ve finally had it with guys talking to me like they’re 12. So I just dumped my boyfriend. After I dropped him off at day camp.

• If I had a dollar for everytime I heard “Cherry Pie” last week, I’d be a HORRIBLE stripper.

• I only hook up with guys who are AT LEAST 23. It used to be 25, but I recently had a birthday.

• I miss living alone. And by living alone, I mean masturbating.

• The best thing about quitting drinking was all the free time I suddenly had. To do cocaine.

• I REALLY love cake. And by “cake” I mean “oral.”

• Weaves are now considered fashionable. I doubt white people thought that a few hundred years ago when it was called “scalping.”

• I once broke up with a guy when I discovered he had a small penis. In his mouth.

• Sometimes I worry I’m OCD. Wait… Sometimes I get worried that… FUCK! Wait… I often worry… DAMMIT!

• I’m going to open a cupcake shop and name it Curvez. #FirstOneIsFree

• I believe sex is the HIGHEST expression of love. For sex.

• When ever somebody acts like a bitch to me, I assume she’s in heat. So I hump her leg.

• It’s hard to watch people drink themselves to death. So I do my BEST to encourage them. To drink alone at home.

• I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you. As soon as you start laughing.

• When I attempt to have a conversation with somebody who then has nothing but Bible citations, it reminds me of my mom: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”

• Whenever I watch Unsolved Mysteries, I wonder who the fuck abducts women and children THAT ugly.

• I wish the weather was ALWAYS like this. #WhiteGirlThoughts

• The last time a chick tried to get me to gossip, I IMMEDIATELY walked away. And talked shit about her.

• I like big cocks and I cannot lie. #SirDicksALot

• Love is like laryngitis. They both start with “L.”

• I’ve had boyfriends that I LOVED. And I’ve had boyfriends that I’ve LIKED. More than loneliness.

• Thunderstorms make me wet.

• Jesus may be my co-pilot, but Satan is CLEARLY my navigator.

• “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” –St. Francis of Assisi

• Some people are born who are good at EVERTHING they do. Then there are those who aren’t me.

• You know you live in the hood when the car alarms stay on beat with the radio.

• I never hit snooze because I fear commitment. I prefer that my tardiness be spontaneous.

• People think I commit a lot of sins because I don’t have God. I just know that I don’t want to be an old person who is always cold.

• It’s very difficult to explain why I enjoy being single to people who are in relationships. Especially if they are my boyfriend.

• I’ve always wanted to have children but have never wanted to keep them.

• I HATE hypocrites. That being said, I love you guys.

• What do illiterate people do while they eat their cereal?

• I have often been called a “slut,” but I prefer to think of myself as a “people pleaser.”

• I wish my boyfriend made me want to cum as hard as I want to go.

• Any urban squirrel’s pole work could put even the BEST stripper to shame.

• I only date guys with long hair because I like my boyfriends unemployed or “working in entertainment.”

• I’m either getting a huge zit on my forehead or my skull’s about to release the Kraken.

• Safe words are for pussies and quitters.

• My boyfriend recently started refusing to wear a condom. I sat him down and explained how that makes it unsafe to assume this may be his baby.

• You ever get that “pee your pants” feeling, just following peeing your pants?

• My boyfriend is always encouraging me to try new things. So I did. And he was RIGHT! HIS cock IS bigger than his brother’s.

• I can hear my roommate moaning in the next room. It’s making me EXTREMELY excited. That the cyanide’s FINALLY working.

• I will listen to what you do, not what you say, the moment you get to fucking off.

Broken News, August 15, 2011

compiled and edited by WOO

—–

London rioters point to poverty and prejudice

The London rioters have pointed to prejudice and poverty as reasons for their actions. They then laughed maniacally and set more buildings ablaze. We hear the rioters are so pissed they might even set sail for new lands and build their own nation.

—–

Man Locks Wife in Basement for 8 Years (Keeps Girlfriend Upstairs)

We think of this story as a very sad reality, and yet, a fucking amazing premise for a sitcom. Something along the lines of “Three’s A Crowd.” Every week there would be wacky struggle to keep the women from knowing the other exists. Perhaps a Mr. Furley-type nosy neighbor as well.

—–

Walgreens to sell health insurance

While picking up your cheap vodka and box of condoms, and thinking about the hooker you having waiting out in the car, purchasing a quick HMO or PPO might not be such a bad thing. Although you may be tempted by insignificant health insurance impulse-buy add-ons while you wait to check out. Really, though, Walgreens will be selling insurance? Isn’t that a bit like your heroin dealer opening a rehab?

—–

Carnage on Wall Street: Dow sinks 634 points as panic rules

We are coming after you, rich swindling-ass muthafuckas! Taking advantage of everyday people’s decency. We will bring you to justice by mob rule. But we have to do the laundry first. Man, does that shit pile up quick.

—–

Michele Bachmann: What do her favorite books tell us?

She’s from Iowa, is a congresswomen in Minnesota, and one of her favorite books is about how the South was in the right in the Civil War? Keep up the state pride, Michelle.

—–

Get Your Child to Like Veggies Before Birth

Women who fellated their spouses regularly seemed to produce cock-hungry teenagers. Some connection seems to have been made between the use of plastics in sex toys, and the desire for oily fried foods. Perhaps the consideration of using a cucumber in place of a dildo during pregnancy should be strongly considered, given this new evidence.

—–

Facebook Tackles IM With ‘Messenger’ App

—–

Mystery Orange Goo Invades Alaska Village

It would be awesome, since it’s Alaska, if it was just an endless geyser of Orange Julius.

—–

Contributors: Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks, Eve Ventrella, Eric Dohman, J. Miz, Ertel Gray, Scotty Harris

The Way Of The Toddler

The best thing since the last Good Charlotte album.

by TONY FYLER
edited by WOO and ANDREW HICKS

—

[This week, London and several other cities in the UK erupted into riots and looting. Tony Fyler was there. In his reinforced bunker. Waiting for it all to be over.]

As London and a handful of other British cities put out the fires of this week’s rioting – just in time for Parliament to re-open and the whole thing to kick off again – some of the teenage looters are coming forward to explain why they did it.

“It’s our way of expressing our rage at the authorities,” they’ve said. “We’re showing the police and the authorities we do what we like! Nobody listens to us! Well, they’ll listen now!”

Excuse freaking me, but isn’t that called “being a teenager”?

And correct me if I’m wrong, but being a teenager is an excuse for slamming doors, feeling like nobody understands you, writing maudlin poetry, getting more sex than is good for you, not getting enough sex to be good for you, puking up alcohol in your neighbor’s rosebush, going on an occasional demo and then growing the hell up and realizing what an idiot you were. It is not an excuse for beating people up, breaking into shops or burning down your cities!

Pull that shit at home and the Supernanny’d have you on the Naughty Step before you could say, “I didn’t ask to be born!” Now, suddenly, because you’ve gotten together with your buddies and torched some stuff, we’re supposed to take you seriously? Reeeeeally doesn’t work that way. Put down the matches, Inferno Boy, you’re just a bunch of emo kids with hoodie hair!

Of course, there’s been a lot of talk about the economic deprivation of these times feeding into the rage. ’Scuse me? Number one, you’re a teenager, you haven’t done anything yet that warrants a word like “rage.” Number two, yeah, everyone’s poor, what’s your point? “Oh, but all the rich kids have the coolest toys, and it’s not fair that I don’t have them, so I’m gonna smash things and shout and take what I want, cos that’s fair then!” Whatever happened to, “You can’t have it ‘cos it costs too much, now sit down, shut up and play with this cardboard box”? The sense of ‘outraged’ entitlement is never pretty and never persuasive. How about this – quit your bitchin’, get a job, save up your money and buy whatever the hell you want! Simply “not having stuff” is no good reason to take it from somebody else.

There’s also been talk about the sense of disenfranchisement felt by “the youth.” Well again, let’s look at some facts here. You’re teenagers, you can’t be disenfranchised – most of you haven’t even been enfranchised the first time yet! Honestly, the National Health Service no longer provides the quadruple irony bypass needed to be able to listen to a 14 year old talk about how he doesn’t have the rights and respect he deserves without throwing something at the TV screen. You don’t have rights? How about we talk again when your balls drop or your tits emerge. You don’t get enfranchised untill you’re 18. ‘Till then, our house, our rules, put down the freakin’ gasoline. You’re not disenfranchised, you’re a goddamned teenager.

Oh, and while we’re talking about disenfranchisement, in the last election in this country, nobody – but nobody – voted for a coalition government. So I’ve got news for you kids: being technically enfranchised is no guarantee of getting what you want anymore. The government that nobody voted for has gone on to make the most savage cuts in a generation to healthcare, education, wages, unions, the lot.

So y’know what? We’re all pissed off. But there are ways of doing things. Your way is the way of the toddler. In fact, hell, we’ve had to keep the courts open for extra hours to process all the toddlers who’ve been involved in this lunacy, so how about this for a punishment – make ’em all walk around for one day dressed in romper suits and diapers, with pacifiers in their mouths. If you’re going to act like toddlers when you can’t have your impulses satisfied, we get to treat you like toddlers. Fair?

I think most of ’em would rather die.

The way grownup people deal with things, by the way, has been shown by the crews of volunteer street cleaners that have emerged. Ordinary people are responding to the damage of their community by cleaning it up, even though they had nothing to do with causing the damage. There have, of course, been groups of vigilantes ganging together to actively fight the looters. But the most telling report about them is that, in most cases, “the group of men had been gathering in local pubs since about 2 pm.” These are not proper grownups either; these are drunken morons. They have their own version of the Naughty Step – it’s called Their Lives.

Oh, incidentally, much has been made of the “trigger point” of these riots – the death of a young black man at the hands of the armed police officers. (Yes, really, we do have them over here now.) This would be fair enough if, a) it was news that the police were useless at identifying targets. It isn’t – they shot an unarmed guy stone dead on the Tube just a few years ago because he was wearing a duffle coat when it was hot. This new man, Mark Duggan, was at least armed, so the idea that the officer thought there was a threat to life at least gains a little credibility. And, b) more young people weren’t killed every year by other young people with knives and guns than are killed by the police. Bottom line, it’s sad that he died, but claiming his death was the trigger point for these riots is disingenuous given the stated motivations of the looters themselves. These riots were sparked by opportunism, a misplaced sense of entitlement and the chance to nab an iPad 2 in the melee.

You lot, Naughty Step, NOW!

Haiku News, 1 August 2011

by WOO

—

Wild boars invade farms, attack pets

Peaceful happy farm
What is that I see coming?
Motherfucking boar!

—–

Woman faces trial for fake testicles

South Carolina
Hanging people acceptable
Truck nuts cross the line

—–

Senate panel schedules Google antitrust hearing

Anti-trust nonsense
If Google owns everything
Search more accurate

—–

Republican Boehner wants Monday vote on debt deal

Boehner on Monday?
Vagiehna wants it right NOW
See what I did there?

—–

Statue for Chuck Berry erected in St. Louis

Been near sixty years
Since Chuck Berry erected
Saint Louis – look out!

Famous Last Words

by ERIC DOHMAN, WOO and WNF STAFF WRITERS
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"Hurry! Call 911! Act now! Call 911" -Billy Mays

—

• “Is that Bubbles?” “No.” “I meant in the syringe.” –Michael Jackson

• ‎”What the fuck, Brutus?” –Julius Caesar

• ‎”Maybe I shoulda just eaten that donut.” –Karen Carpenter

• “Always left, left, left. Let’s see what happens if I go right for a change.” – Dale Earnhardt

• ‎”Delete all my texts from that black chick.” –Thomas Jefferson

• ‎”Fuck, I forgot the eyebrows.” –Leonardo DaVinci

• ‎”I’m on a horse!” –Christopher Reeve

• “Maybe I was TOO easy?” -Eazy E

• “Birds. I dedicated my life to a bunch of fucking birds.” –J.J. Audubon

• ‎”A Tyson fight? I am SO there! Just let me finish this 827 hours of recording time, that’ll in no way fuel rumors that I faked my death by continuing to release CDs posthumously. -Tupac Shakur

• ‎”If the casket fit… oh… oh shit.” -Johnnie L. Cochran Jr.

• “O.J., that knife is too big to cut up veggies.” –Nicole Brown Simpson

• “That white light’s way too small for me to fit through.” –Andre the Giant

• ‎”I’m still alive, FUCKER!” –Betty White

• ‎

Broken News, July 25, 2011

compiled and edited by WOO

—–

Amy Winehouse found dead in her London home

Found in the early morning, the person finding her was reportedly calling, “♫ Amy Amy Aaaaamy ♫”, but received no response. The smell of her rapidly decomposing career is said to have led to the discovery. Long known for her usage of cocaine, her last words were reportedly recorded in her home studio as, “♫ They try ta make me go to Rehab, but I said noooo noooo *croak* ♫.” Courtney Love, known for similar habits, tweeted: “Pshh… what an amateur! #Winehouse.”

—–

These Tongs Are Actually an FDA-Approved Vibrator for Men (NSFW)

Who has an anniversary coming up? We do! We’re wondering if we can get our Salad Tong in CyberSkin, or maybe bedazzled with plastic gems? Have they created DoubleTongs yet? Erm…

Toy News

by JAMES DRAPER, TONY FYLER and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by JAMES DRAPER

—

THIS WEEK’S TOP NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE TOY WORLD

• Fans shocked when Slinky comes out of closet totally straight

• World Champion Memory player loses game somewhere in house

• Panel of small children judges box “better than the toy” for 97th-straight year

• GI Joe takes advantage of DADT repeal, says he’s now free to be himself on front lines

• Mr. Potato Head’s parts stolen; crestfallen kids’ toy left with blank look on face

• Weeble shot in ass, wobbles, falls down

• Teddy Ruxpin confirms worst suspicions, slaughters family while singing happy songs

• Big Wheel has tires chewed up by neighborhood dog, develops traction

• Red Rider production line halted after child shoots eye out with BB gun

• Legos Eggo’d

• Slip ‘n Slide launches “Lay Down ‘n Nap” toy for elderly

• Thomas the Tank: “I’ve always dealt with body image issues”

• Care Bears stop participating in political process

Haiku News, 19 July 2011

by WOO

Source: J.Lo and Anthony had ‘heated, horrible fights’

If I gave a fuck
I would express such a fuck
alas, no fuck here

—

Search Engines Negatively Affect Information Retention

The quicker we learn
The faster we forget it
How many syllables are supposed to be on the very last line of a haiku?

—

Is media giving US women’s soccer team a free pass for its World Cup Fail?

A pass? Don’t think so
Reality obvious
Soccer just sucks ass

A Pothead Speaks: Why Marijuana Should NOT Be Legalized

by KB MARION
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

It's a quick leap from legalization to corporatization. But there won't be any Dollar Menu for weed.

—

I absolutely cannot stand the progressive mentality. Progress is not always the best thing for society. Take, for instance, the Internet. Yes, it allows us to download free music and keep up with the latest ever-so-important celebrity gossip, but the web is also a widespread tool for degenerates with an exorbitant amount of resources. Prior to the Internet, you could always tell the perverts by their wiry grin, ’70s mustache and windowless van. Well, unfortunately, progressivism is butting its ugly head into my stash. There is a movement to legalize marijuana, and as a weed smoker, I am against it.

Many people have stated that the marijuana crop will help with our nation’s deficit. However, for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction (or so I’ve heard). Proponents of legalization are idealistic and too trusting of the American government. Anything that has value in the United States always garner greedy lobbyists who ruin it for everyone except the few who would benefit — in this case, Wall Street and the would-be corporate growers. This is already occurring in California, where medical marijuana growers helped vote down the legalization bill. Nope, marijuana ain’t just for hippies anymore. Our beloved green has been going corporate, and this is just the beginning.

Broken News, July 11, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

—

Portugal’s Debt Downgrade: Why Nobody Cares

We support a U.S. government bailout of Iceland but not Portugal. Portugal has never exported any artist with anywhere near the quirky talents of Bjork. And what exactly would you downgrade Portugal to, Kentucky?

—–

Is there cash in Casey Anthony’s story?

We foresee an episode of Law & Order: SVU with a fictional story that will sound an awful lot like this one.

We hear she already has a book deal, with a working title of If I Did It: I Brought You Into This World And I Can Take You Out Of It.

—–

Skype And Facebook Get Integrated

Will we have to wear pants now?

—–

Research find new way to measure penis length

We’re too busy taking hand measurements to comment, but we will say that we’ll no longer be saddened by our stubby fingers.

—–

Willie Nelson’s weed-related plea deal rejected by a Texas judge

Arresting Willie for weed is like tripping over a fat kid at McDonald’s. Is there no pertinent crime in Texas? Go build your fence, fuckwads. I mean, at this point Willie Nelson is drug paraphernalia!

—–

Coked Up Florida Man Brandishes ‘Biggest Penis In the World’ To Wide Audience

We’re pretty sure “Wide Audience” is a nice way of saying “Biggest Vagina In the World.” And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

—–

CONTRIBUTORS: Eric Dohman, Michelle Dee, Eve Ventrella, Woo, Andrew Hicks and Jeff Bailey

Broken News, June 26, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

—

Ryan Dunn both drunk and speeding @ time of crash

Film recently obtained from MTV Productions, makers of Jackass, shows Dunn just before entering his vehicle for its fated rendezvous, making the statement, ‎”I’m Ryan Dunn, and this is Fatal Crash.”

What a Jackass…

—

New Android Phone Works Even After Bathing in Sweat

Finally, a phone women can carry around in nature’s holster, the underboob.

Now nothing has to stop for a text or Facebook status update. People will be swexting — having sloppy, sweaty sex, while also texting their buddies about how awesome or lousy it is. Who are we kidding; is sex ever bad for men?

While unable to reach anyone via phone for comment, we did receive a written statement from Sony Ericcson as follows: “Because Apple and iPhone refused to accept that 77% of their market was sweaty overweight men, we have developed the Xperia to cater exclusively to them. We look forward to shaking their clammy, fat hands.”

Broken News, June 20, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

—

Cows churn out “human breast milk”

The Chinese playing god with my breast milk? I don’t think so. Just another way for that damn Nazi Obama, the socialist bastard,  to piss on Lady Liberty’s udders, and I will not stand for it! America used to mean something! This and more tonight with me, Glenn Beck.

What will they call it, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Breast Milk”?

—

Bono’s “Spider-Man” musical still weak, critics say

Perhaps Bono should go back to making world peace, rather than giving the world pieces of crap?

On the positive side of reviews, Former President Bill Clinton is quoted as saying, “It was so good I needed a cigar and a fat girl afterwards. Not necessarily in that order.”

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 6

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

If the J.Miz's Cougar Pops truck is a'rockin', it probably means the nearest high school has let out for the day.

WEDNESDAY

The next time I see cupcakes in a bar, I’m gonna start punching white people.

About to go from living solo to cohabitation. I am beginning to realize the necessity of censoring my flatulence.

My guy friend was saying how awesome the Jedi mind trick would be for getting laid. Then I realized, I have that! It’s called a vagina!

I’m so committed to being a cougar I bought an ice cream truck that only plays “Milkshake” by Kelis.

Sobriety’s made me socially awkward. When I go out I still pretend to drink, I act wasted, and I walk home shamefully the next morning.

TUESDAY

When I see a fat kid with fat parents, I feel bad. I mean, those poor parents are stuck having to love a fat kid!

No matter who you are, what you do or what you think, you do not have haters. You’re not that important. To anyone. That is all.

I’ll know I’ve hit rock bottom when I fuck a ventriloquist, a guy who does impressions or that dude who wanted me to call his cock a “crank.”

My mom is always stealing my lighters. I hate it! And besides, at her age, she should really stop smoking crack.

My cat just pooped on my futon. I was angry until I did some quick math and figured out that, long term, it would be more cost-effective than using kitty litter.

 

Porn Stars Rush To Aid Weiner

by ERTEL GRAY and J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

We feel bad for chicks. Now when they Google "wiener pics," this is what they have to work with.

NEW YORK – Recently disgraced U.S. House Representative Anthony Weiner, deeply embroiled in a recent Twitter/nude penis photo scandal, found unlikely allies among the nation’s top male adult film stars.

“We’re here to lend our support. It’s a shame that our country is so desperate for scandal that we’ve resorted to a modern-day Salem Witch Trial, ” noted James “Buster Banger” Edmunson, 37, star of the Adult Video News Award-winning smut masterpiece The Semen Bitch Trials and 350 other skin flicks.

Martin “Ricky Spankadocious” Francis, 41, is a gay-for-pay adult film star and chairman of the porn industry free-speech activist group Don’t Be A Punk, Show Your Junk. He told WNF reporters he has posted pictures of his penis on various social media websites, including Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, 4Chan, ChatRoulette, eHarmony.com, Google Earth, Craigslist, Bing, AskJeeves and RamenNoodleRecipes.com.

“Chances are if you’ve ever entered the search terms ‘Midget,’ ‘Sex,’ ‘Midget Sex,’ or ‘Choke Me While I Cry And Masturbate On Your Yearbook Photo’ anywhere on the Internet, you’ve seen my work,” said Francis. “I’d place Weiner’s below-waist self-portraits right up there with my finest photography. It would be a shame to silence such a master craftsman.”

Woo’s News, June 13, 2011

by WOO

—

US Scores Three More Insider-Trading Convictions

There are criminals on Wall Street. Who fucking knew?

Vancouver’s Lapierre finds success to the max after leaving Ducks

Wait… this is about hockey? Can’t seem to give a shit…

Facebook IPO seen moving ahead in first quarter

So a nerd found out how to make money off of people posting status updates every time the weather changes by two degrees, they eat dinner, suffer gastrointestinal issues, or find a Youtube video mildly enjoyable. Just think, everytime you tell us about your second cousin’s graduation, or post a photo of a kitten talking jibberish, it’s worth cold hard cash, to someone else.

Prince’s Birthday Itinerary

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

1 pm - Play symbol-shaped guitar in field of blue fiber optic wires and purple posies while a sheep looks on.

The Purple One turned 51 yesterday, and it was a special birthday for the little man. We know it was special because WNF operatives managed to get ahold of his symbol-shaped day planner. Here’s how Prince planned to spend his birthday time:

5 am – Get woken up by alarm clock that blurts out “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.”

5:30 am – Eat bowl of Cap’n Crunch with soy milk.

6 am – Open blinds, check to see if sky is all purple and people are running everywhere.

6:30-8 am – Do Pilates while listening to 90-minute version of “Batdance.”

8:15 am – Finally shave off that eighth grade mustache.

9 am – Walk door to door asking neighbors if they’re ready for Jehovah’s return.

10 am – Call Rebecca Black. Ask her if she’s interested in collaborating on a song about Hump Day. When she excitedly says yes, laugh loudly, scream “No way, bitch!” and hang up.

‎10:15 am – Grab aloe vera tissue, gently wipe away tears from eyes of pet dove.

10:30 am – Go online and see if there are any sweet new axes on PhallicGuitars.com.
‎

11 am – Open package in the mail, roll eyes when it turns out to be a strawberry beret. Realize your friends don’t know you at all.