Posts tagged ‘American Sign Language’

September 20, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 13

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz enjoys her first virtual wine tasting*. (*Not actually J.Miz.)

  • Anyone who’s surprised Sarah Palin fucked a black guy OBVIOUSLY never fucked a black guy.
  • When a methhead loses a tooth, does the Tooth Fairy put a box of Sudafed under their pillow?
  • My boyfriend said that I’m boring in bed. So, being a good girlfriend, I suggested he try waking me up.
  • You know the economy is fucked when rappers are rhyming about how much gas they have. Seriously? Chains, diamonds, self-made premium alcohol, clothing line, record company? OUT! Full gas tank? That’s GANGSTER!
  • It’s extremely hard to have a committed relationship with a drug addict. Unless you’re his dealer.
  • About 10 years ago, I had a miscarriage. And it really gets me down. At tax time.
  • I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the afterlife. I like surprises. And sinning.
  • They say you can please a woman by watching her please herself. I say just ask my cat. He’s SEEN things.
  • Watching a show about a man who knowingly spread HIV. Boy, that takes all the fun out of me “surprise clapping” guys.
  • I’ve always wanted to learn how to say, “What?! ARE YOU DEAF?!” in American Sign Language.
  • When you realize you HAVE to be up in less than seven hours but SHOULD be up in five, everything you did for the last two hours seems pretty fucking pointless.
  • You can tell a lot about a city by its white people in the fall.
  • In retrospect, I’m pretty sure the song “I Got 5 On It” was about hand jobs.
  • Women count the ways they love you in inches and dollars. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • Your probation officer doesn’t appreciate you showing up for drug testing with poppy seed muffins “for everyone!” #SoIveHeard
  • I’m such a narcissist, it’s taken me MONTHS to go through my phone and part with all the amazing and supportive texts I have. Sent.
  • My boyfriend recently started having faint memories of being sodomized. Being a good girlfriend, I immediately increased his dosage of GHB.
  • Anytime I see a crack-addicted couple, it upsets me. Then I smoke some crack. Cuz it must work for them. Modern dating is weird.
  • I just got spam for a “virtual wine tasting.” What’s next? An IM blow job?? #IHateTheFuture
  • I never trust a grown man who owns more than three track suits.
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… that doesnt happen. i just havent reacted yet and probably was never fooled in the first place.
  • I hate finding pubic hair on a toilet seat. Not as much as I hate finding a newborn on a toilet seat, but still.
  • Polly wanna cracker because that bitch Polly is a fucking racist. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” -Coping With ED tips from your friends at Cialis.
  • It’s life’s greatest joy to find somebody who just “gets” us. But life’s cruel joke is that it’s never just that simple.
  • My boyfriend thinks I’m really into doggystyle, but I’m really not. Into his face. #ClassicJMiz
  • I’m so dedicated to being a cougar, I only date guys who get a student discount at the movies.
  • Growing up with a dad in entertainment taught me that I NEVER want to be the girl who “blew him when…”
  • Even though I taught him to do it, every time my cat says “Mama,” I feel like one of those guys on Maury.
  • My boyfriend’s comedy video is popular on YouTube. It has 500 views and 450 likes. Which means out of all those views, only 90 percent were him.
  • I sometimes worry my current boyfriend thinks a lot of these jokes are about him. And doesn’t get the hint.
  • My cat likes going down the porch steps and scratching the neighbors’ door. I’m checking his pockets for Watchtower pamphlets.
August 31, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 12

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Coroner?"

  • Fuck trial and error! I want trial and success! Like when I’m shopping on sample day, and I get to taste a delicious new bacon or sausage product.
  • It’s gotten to the point that, under “marital status,” I write in “I HAVE A CAT.”
  • I once fucked a guy with the same name as my dad. It was SO weird hooking up with a guy named Dad.
  • My resolution for 2012 is to be wined and dined instead of nickle-and-dimed.
  • While impressed with strippers who can” make it clap”, I won’t be totally awed until they can make that shit speak American Sign Language.
  • Have you ever just listened carefully, stopped and wondered: WHAT THE FUCK IS R. KELLY TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!
  • If I rape a clown, THEN is it funny?
  • Sometimes I celebrate my whiteness. Like now. I’m enjoying a Fresca. Immensely.
  • “YO MTV VMA’S! IMMA LETCHOO FINISH, BUT….” –Beyonce’s fetus
  • I just passed a 13-year-old kid on a bike who was singing “Sweet Caroline.” I hate that fucking kid.
  • I just heard that Gary Coleman STILL isn’t buried. I’m CONVINCED it’s because he refuses to go any lower.
  • I hate being judged for being in my late 30s and owning a cat. It’s pretty unfair to skip over all my other dysfunctional qualities.
  • Screen captchas make me feel like I’m taking a field sobriety test.
  • My boyfriend’s idea of romance is holding hands. While I suck his dick.
  • Every guy who’s known me intimately has truly loved my insides.
  • I just got a piece of my vag caught in my zipper. Thank GOD there’s more where THAT came from.
  • Somebody as tall as me just asked me to reach something for them. HOLY FUCK! These pajamas give me SUPER HEIGHT!
  • GOD! I sure wish I had some candy right now! #ShitYouDontSayToAGuyWithAVan
  • I feel extremely white when I listen to Tom Petty. Even if Lil Wayne drops a remix with him, this will never change.
  • When a guy is being creepy to me via the Internet, 9 times out of 10, he’s a foreigner. Good job keeping the sterotypes alive, “buddy.”
  • You ever have an uncontrollable urge to fuck one of your friends? Cuz otherwise it’s a waste of all that raw GHB?
  • You ever wish you were back in high school? You know, so sex wasn’t so illegal anymore?
  • If I had a dollar for every time anyone said, “I didn’t know you were so smart.” Then I’d be rich, and they’d say, “I didn’t know you were so rich.”
  • I was excited to get invited to a dating sight for faithful singles. But it was Black People Meet. WIn or loss??? YOU decide!
  • I need the hip-hop community to come up with some new synonyms for my fat girl jokes.
  • I was always so grateful I wasnt one of those girls whose cousin took them to prom. THANKS Jacob Howell, Christian youth camp counselor!
  • Since I’m home alone, I’m eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese. I’m home alone because I sit at home alone eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese.
  • I SWORE I just heard a “house phone” ring in here. Either I’m stroking out, it’s the 80’s, or Jesus is coming.
  • I think most guys like dogs better because they know you can’t turn a cat lady into a housewife.
  • Legalizing prostitution would NOT increase jobs, it would DECREASE “rental assistance.”
  • Whenever my best friend is in a pinch for babysitters, I help by calling around to see who can get there the fastest from Watchtower.
  • I’m writing a book on how today’s society stalks above the law. You reading this, retweeting or responding saves me a shit-ton of research.
  • Walking home from high school in a Catholic school uniform was OBVIOUSLY a horrible idea. Rape should be more “surprisey.”
  • In high school, my nickname was “Hoover.” Don’t go thinking it was code for anything. It just came from me giving a lot of blowjobs.
  • I’ve tricked a LOT of guys into giving me oral with a little game I like to call Just The Lip.
  • I grew up in a very open family. Or at least that’s how my dad described it to his brother while discussing my mom.
  • My black friend laughed at my last name being a Scantron nightmare. But he empathized with the frustration of it just never fitting.
  • The minute than men can start paying for pussy, I’m FUCKED.
  • I had a HORRIBLE time remembering my ex’s birthday, because I was so busy loving the idea of his death.
  • I am EXTREMELY horrible at forgetting I forgave you.
  • There is nothing more disappointing than bad sex, aside from the guy NOT crying when you tell him.
  • I was asked to bring a headshot to an audition. I’m new to all this, I was a bit hurt they didn’t like the donkey punch porn my ex and I made.
  • ‎Every time I go down my stairs, I almost slip and fall on the same step. I’m CONVINCED it’s a ghost. And questioning if it’s that fifth of vodka.
  • It’s nights like this I totally understand crack addiction. Sucking dick for a piece of toast with cinnamon sugar sounds fair to me.
  • I’m cool with my boyfriend choking me during sex, just not so much when I’m sleeping.
  • The good thing about bed bugs is that you ALWAYS have something to snuggle.
  • My Pandora station is playing a whole lot of I Was Raped As a Little Boy songs. This makes me REALLY question what my brother’s up to.
  • One does not have to be humiliated in order to attain humility.
  • My boyfriend takes me to see all the rejumps of the ’80s and ’90s movies. So sex isn’t the ONLY thing I fall asleep in the middle of.
  • My boyfriend HATES it when I don’t say I love you. But I totally understand. Because sometimes I hate him.
  • People are often amazed that I eat what I want and stay thin. When they ask me my secret, I tell them. LOTS of cardio and vomiting.
  • I’m listening to Lil Wayne’s “Gonorrhea” and wondering if he knew how to spell and treat it, not just transmit it.
  • The weirdest thing about sleeping alone tonite is that feeling of “HOLY SHIT! I TOTALLY didn’t just fuck somebody!”