Archive for ‘Conversational’

December 2, 2011

Glory Hole Bee Gee Hell: A WNF 3-Way

edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Liverpool, 1979: Mama Cass gets down and dirty at the Bee Gee glory hole.

JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ
My bedroom window sucks as a glory hole. Nothing glorious about it.

ERTEL GRAY
Oh, the entire concept of a glory hole just… I don’t know if I can place that level of trust in an unseen, anonymous stranger. “Hi… Yep, first time… Anyway, here’s my peen.”

EMILY TOOPS
Agreed. I mean, you gotta be ballsy to use a glory hole.

JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ
But not too ballsy, ’cause balls wont fit thru there.

ERTEL GRAY
My luck, on even my most sexually adventurous of days, I’d wind up on the business end of a scalpel-wielding psychopath known as the Glory Hole Weenis Collector or something. Course, the upside of being a eunuch is, I could always front a Bee Gees tribute band.

JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ
Fuck yeah! I love the Bee Gees!

ERTEL GRAY
How many of them have died? The other two, right? I just heard Robin has some sort of cancer?

EMILY TOOPS
Yeah, I thought two of the three died of cancer. God hated those Brothers Gibb.

read more »

December 1, 2011

Fun With Bill Collectors

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

A stunned Ertel receives terse words from a deceptively smiley, multiethnic lady named Nancy. Image by Eric Dohman.

[DISCLAIMER: The following conversation between me and a debt collector literally just happened. As I was on the phone, I was furiously typing away on this porno/typewriter thing I call the Internet. The rest I filled in from memory. Some I may have even embellished. So sue me… wait, don’t sue me. Forget I even mentioned that.]

NANCY: Hello, this is Nancy with [insert bullshit collection agency name] and am I calling in regards to an overdue bill, on your account with [bullshit business name] Am I speaking with Ertel Gray at the moment?

ME: Yep. You sure are.

NANCY: Mr. Gray, I am calling on behalf of [bullshit business] in regards to your outstan–

ME: Yep. Listen, Grace, we’ve established that.

NANCY: It’s Nancy.

ME: I am who you’re looking for, and yes I owe [bullshit business] [X amount of] dollars. Congratulations, you’ve tracked me down.

NANCY: We can offer you, if you’d like to settle this debt today, by check or credit card, no service charges whatsoever.

ME: Well, that’s awfully generous of ya to waive a three-dollar surcharge if I pay today, Shelley, but I have like no money on my bank card until payday, so I’m gonna have to pass.

read more »

October 4, 2011

Throw Pillows A-Go-Go

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by TONY FYLER

bed piled high with throw pillows

Look - throw pillows. Purrrrrdy...


It is an ongoing battle in the Tucker household.

I’d like a bedroom that speaks to my romantic side, with deep plush carpeting that doesn’t smell like dog, and just the right mood lighting to always make me look 15 years younger. I want a vanity where I can sit and blow dry my hair like some middle-aged Rapunzel, then put on my 10 pounds of makeup. And, as the centerpiece of my fabulous bedroom, I want a bed that looks like a big marshmallow, complete with about 20 throw pillows.

My husband Bill isn’t really on board with this idea. On more than one occasion, the conversation has gone like this…

BILL: Can you please explain to me why all of these little pillows are on the bed?
ME: They’re for decoration. They are shams and throw pillows.
BILL: So I can’t lay on them?
ME: No, they are not for your head.
BILL: Okay, I give up, then why in hell are they on my bed?
ME: So the bed looks pretty.
BILL: That is the dumbest thing I ever heard. Let’s get rid of them.
ME: We can’t. They cost a fortune, and I love them.
BILL: But you can’t do anything with them. They are completely useless.
ME: I don’t care, they make me happy. Now get your fucking hands off the throw pillows.

read more »

August 18, 2011

“You Are Currently Held In A Black Hole”

by TONY FYLER
edited by T. Allan Christopher

Hello? Anyone there?

I knew we should never have hired THIS guy!

If I’ve learned one thing this week, it is this: Don’t mess with web developers, they’re more powerful and more stupid than they know…

It was a Wednesday morning. Katie, our conference organiser, bursts into the office, all frantic energy and hair, and says, “We’ve got a bloke who can’t use the conference booking system on our website!”

“OK,” I said, “what’s up?”

“He’s from Germany,” she said.

“What?”

“He’s from Germany…”

“Ohhhhkay…”

“Apparently, Germany’s not listed as a country on our system,” she explained.

“Oh.”

“And it won’t let him be from anywhere else, ’cause his address details and phone code don’t match any other country…”

“Well of course not, he’s in Germany.”

“But he can’t be in Germany if Germany doesn’t exist. You can’t be somewhere that’s nowhere, and of course, you can’t be anywhere else, ’cause you’re in the country formerly known – and indeed currently known to most of the world – as Germany.”

“Tricky, I admit.”

“So we need to rebuild the Rhineland.”

“What, just you and me? I’m kind of busy this morning…”

“Dumkopf! Get on to the developers, and get on to them now, tell them to reinstate bloody Germany, so our bloke can officially be there.”

“Yawohl Frauleinn…”

August 7, 2011

Hung Over: A WNF Conversation

edited by ANDREW HICKS


Some days, WNF staff meetings never get off the ground.

EVE VENTRELLA
Does anyone else get nervous to look at your own comments on Facebook the next morning after drinking?

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I do. Today I’m afraid whatever I say on Facebook will be my last words, cuz I feel like death. I feel redrunk or something.

ERTEL GRAY
I get that, too. Like, say I’m here dickin’ off like usual on FB, then I walk to the store and get hit by a car. Oh great, Ertel’s last words were, “Hey, if a straight man buys a Fleshlight, do lesbians have to buy two of them?”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I drunk dialed someone’s grandma last night and told her I didn’t feel well.

EVE VENTRELLA
Last night my grandma called and said some perv was trying to have phone sex with her.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Well, it wasn’t your grandma. Unless I went on a grandma drunk-dialing binge.

ERTEL GRAY
What is it with grandmas being so paranoid about people trying to sex ’em up? You’d think they’d appreciate the attention, right?

EVE VENTRELLA
My grandma says to “put up or shut up.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Well, I don’t remember much. I think I sent her a picture of my penis or my mangina. I may have tucked it under for her.

EVE VENTRELLA
Is it possible to do the mangina/weiner tuck and the “brain” at the same time?

ERTEL GRAY
Theoretically, the mangina/brain is possible. Depends on which end you’re starting from.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I may have called the police and cussed them out last night.

EVE VENTRELLA
It should be illegal for drunk people to be within three feet of a phone.

ERTEL GRAY
There should be a drunk-dialing app for smartphones that chooses numbers at random. Imagine drunk dialing someone from another country.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Ughhhhhhhhhhhh, the room is spinning.

ERIC DOHMAN
I’m in the same boat right now, Linville. I literally can’t leave bed. Debating whether to piss in this cup.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Just pee on a pile of clothes.

ERTEL GRAY
Oh man, that’s what we call Mid-’50s Rural Kentucky Drunk.

ERIC DOHMAN
Never struggled this much for a morning erection.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
It is possible to rub one out while limp. I did it after a whiskey night. However, it won’t make you feel better.

ERTEL GRAY
^Truth right there. I never thought the words “depressing” and “orgasm” could be uttered in the same sentence.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
It was the weirdest thing. The orgasm cameth, and yet I still wanted to die.

ERTEL GRAY
The closest thing I could equate it to would be stumbling on a digital camera with Helen Hunt nudes. You’d be like “Oh man, this… oh shit, it’s Helen Hunt. Who gives a shit if she’s nude?”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m getting depressed just thinking about that. Uh oh, the heartburn is starting. Ugh.

ERIC DOHMAN
I need Wendy’s. Fuck!

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I feel like Stephen Hawking with a broken computer speaking device.

EVE VENTRELLA
I’m sure Mr. Hawking would be flattered.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m drooling just like him right now.

ERIC DOHMAN
He gets laid more.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m better at planking though.

ERTEL GRAY
Speaking of Hawking, are we 100 percent positive that those are the actual words he’s thinking that come from his SpeechTron 5000? He could be giving some speech on space/time, and in reality, he could be thinking, “I could use a good blowjob right about now.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Does it just speak what he is thinking? Cuz that really could be embarrassing.

ERTEL GRAY
I could totally see him desperately reaching with his tongue for the volume button whenever he thinks, “Jeez, that woman in the third row has some AMAZING tits!”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Ohhhhhhh the room is spinning again. Uggggggggggh.

June 23, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Favorite Tune About Drugs and/or Alcohol

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

"Ever since he started listening to The Velvet Underground, Jesus steals all my good heroin."

JESSICA STIMSON
Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw,” by Jimmy Buffett. Because, really, what more is there to say?

ANDREW J HICKS
If it was me, the song would be called “Why Don’t We Get To That Fine-Line BAC Level Where You Don’t Look Ugly Anymore But My Dick Still Works (And, At That Point, Have Some Sex).”

JESSICA STIMSON
Same difference. You callin’ me ugly?

ANDREW J HICKS
You callin’ me a drunk?

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Split Lip Rayfield‘s “A Little More Cocaine, Please” shows a measure of polite society one isn’t accustomed to seeing in your standard coke fiend.

ERTEL GRAY
Gonna go out on a limb here, but how about “Heroin” by The Velvet Underground? I feel sorry for today’s bands — all the good drugs already have a famous song named after them. All anyone can do now is pen a soft and somber tune about the horrors of caffeine addiction.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
The Velvet Underground has two more overt heroin songs — “I’m Waiting For the Man” and “Run, Run, Run” — and another one about amphetamines (“White Light/White Heat“). They also have quite a few songs about cross-dressers and transvestites. I love this band.

WOO
Smile Empty Soul said it best: “I do it for the drugs / I do it just to feel alive / I do it for the love / That I get from the bottom of a bottle.” Just beautiful. What a grand song for an opioid enjoyer like me.

ANDREW J HICKS
Woo, when’s the next party at your house?

SCOTTY HARRIS
Fuck all y’all and your pro-drug songs — “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd takes the cake.

ANDREW J HICKS
I think the song is actually called “Thyt Smyll.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I know it’s lame to admit liking anything from Cypress Hill, but I give them kudos for their sample of Dusty Springfield‘s “Son of a Preacher Man” on their tune “Hits from the Bong.” I saw them at Lollapalooza and Smokin’ Grooves. They actually roll out a giant, smoke-spewing bong onstage for that song. Can’t say they aren’t showmen.

EMILY TOOPS
Trotter’s right. I know it’s shameful to openly and unabashedly enjoy Cypress Hill, but “Dr. Greenthumb” has an incredibly sick beat. And, of course, Bob Dylan‘s “Rainy Day Women No. 12 & 35 (Everybody Must Get Stoned).” Hearing Dylan’s abrasive-ass voice for any period of time makes you wanna toke up.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
The lyrics to “Feel Good Hit of the Summer” by Queens of the Stone Age are nothing but a roll call of drugs, repeated over and over. (“Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol.”) Then the chorus is “C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cocaine.” Also repeated over and over. It’s songs like this that make me think I could be a competent lyricist.

J.MIZ
I’m a big fan of “Daisy Chain for Satan” by My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult. I LIVE FOR DRUGS! I’M THE WHITE RABBIT! And Curtis Mayfield‘s “Pusherman” from the Superfly soundtrack always makes me wish I was rockin’ a long body and slangin’ that smack.

RYAN KRAUSE
Check out these lyrics from “Crazed Country Rebel” by Hank Williams III: “I was trippin’ on some acid a Latino gave to me / I was smoking morphine till it knocked me off my feet / Then I scored some ‘H’ from my old Uncle Pete / Now I’m startin’ to feel like I might’ve OD’d.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
All you guys are wrong. The best drug song ever is a 112-way tie between every song released by Afroman.

June 1, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 5

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz-brand Shellack: Now available in Jewfro Strength!

MONDAY

Men who ask me out and have no notion of dating etiquette will be asking out a lot more girls.

Today, I start hiding people in my Facebook news feed. It’s like a modern day book burning of sorts.

There’s a group of dudes outside talking. I wish all those bros* would shut up and just let the South African dude talk. I don’t know what he’s saying, but it’s HOT!

*white meathead guys

My white friend just used the phrase “dip set” in a sentence. Correctly. #NapervilleIsGangster

SUNDAY

This Midwest humidity is fucking up my fabulous, so I invented a new product — Shellack: Anti-Humectant! Now available in Jewfro Strength.

I miss my Geo Prizm. #ShitINeverSay

My 4-year-old niece Azzy just asked why I’m not married and my apartment is so small. Mentally I kicked her in the chest, and it was satisfying.

Going out in public with my niece allows me to rock the I’m Just A Tired, Dissheveled Hippie Soccer Mom look. #ImReallyJustLazy

I’d rather wake up next to a one-night stand than my 4-year-old niece. They forget your name, she says it repeatedly. #INeedCoffee

read more »

May 25, 2011

Song Challenge 15: Most Shameless Song About Jailbait

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 15: MOST SHAMELESS SONG ABOUT JAILBAIT

Barney's "friends."

JAMES DRAPER
“I Love You, You Love Me,” by Barney the Dinosaur.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
That dirty bastard Gary Puckett and his perv-o buddies the Union Gap confessed and harmonized their obsession with Young Girl. (“Young girl, get out of my mind / My love for you is way outta line / You’d better run, girl! / You’re much too young, girl!”) Seriously, that entire song is about a guy who’s popping a chubby over the neighborhood girl scout.

ANDREW HICKS
I get creeped-out chills when I hear Ringo congratulate that girl in the song on turning 16. I figure he’s had his eye on her for awhile.

J.MIZ
“Meet My Ex-Boyfriend,” by J.Miz.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Since he’s been found with child porn on his computer, deported from Cambodia for suspected statutory rape and convicted in Vietnam of statutory rape, it’s hard not to read meaning into some of Gary Glitter‘s supposedly innocuous lyrics. I think a good rule of thumb would be to assume any songwriter named Gary is a pedophile.

ANDREW HICKS
Googled G. Glitter. When he was convicted for his kid porn, the judge noted that his stash was “carefully, deliberately and enthusiastically done.” No joke necessary. This guy was clearly a connoisseur.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I am now going over the lyrics of Rascal Flatts songs to find evidence of the secret yearnings of high-voiced lead singer Gary LeVox.

read more »

May 21, 2011

How Not To Internet Date, 21 May 2011

By MICHELLE DEE

Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the ones below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

This week we have three short pieces for you! Keep in mind, some guys are just morons right out of the gate, and the conversation never gets going.

RandyCool: HI…… howz u doing…. send me you conatct detailz… my ya…hoo id is… ravianXXX_99…….. talk to u soon…..

Michelle Dee:  I’mz doinz wellz. Am Iz uzin my Z’s properly? Iz don’t givez outz personal informationz untilz Iz knowz you better. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

———-

Exception:  Hi

Michelle Dee:   Exception to what?

Exception:    noone fits what you are looking for, except me Lol:)))

Michelle Dee:   What can you offer that no one else can?

*crickets*

———-

fclock2: In STL tonight ….wanna cuddle tonight?

Michelle Dee: Ummm… no?

fclock2: Really …cute boy willing to do anything :)

Michelle Dee: oh desperate AND creepy!

fclock2: Yikes …nevermind then

May 18, 2011

Honkies In The Hood: Woo and J. Miz Reminisce

by WOO and J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

WOO: Growing up in the hood, being the only white boy for six blocks, I realized quickly I was kind of like a pet or a mascot.

J.MIZ: Six blocks? I wasn’t even allowed to cross the street or go more than two houses down, and I could only ride my bike in the driveway. Until I was 7, I thought my Christian name was “Honkey.”

WOO: I soon learned that if I was passing a group of people and they said, “‘Sup,” I could stop and shoot the shit with them. “Come here, white boy!” meant I was about to lose my dignity and leave with a horrible headache.

J.MIZ: I got my hair pulled a lot, but weaves were expensive back then. I did rock several Afrocentric hair styles at the hands of my neighbor. Please erase any thoughts of Bo Derek in 10. We’re talking three ponytails, twisted with bubble-gum ball rubber-bands and multicolored barrettes shaped like poodles or other various hood dogs. My mom’s last straw was the black hair grease. I don’t mean African American either. The shit was black! Imagine the whitest, finest baby hair coated in STP 5W.

WOO: Best part of growin’ up on the hood? Free bicycles. Anytime bikes were stolen, the culprits would only keep the parts they needed, and the rest would be dumped into the alleyways. I’d pick up a frame one week, a couple wheels the next, handlebars the week after that, etc. I must assembled 40 bikes in my lifetime. My parents only bought me my first one at age 5. This is why I holler “East Side!” till I die.

read more »

April 27, 2011

How Not To Internet Date, 27 April 2011

By MICHELLE DEE

Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

Commentary Provided by Michelle Dee

iwish: nice pic

Michelle Dee: Thanks you too

*typical to start out with a cheesy compliment but still well within the normal range*

iwish: so I’m curious have you had any luck yet on here?

*Now lets ask about previous encounters, like that should be any of your business or have any bearing on anything we may have together*

Michelle Dee: Nope… you?

iwish: nope not at all but sure do wish i had some company right about now thats for sure. so what are you up to. notice you put some new pics up. so what are you exactly looking for what i mean is are you on here to chat to talk to hook up what

*In reference to a picture of a female angler fish I put on my profile. Clearly this must contain some hidden message about what I’m looking for?*

Michelle Dee: To meet people and see where it goes.

read more »

April 22, 2011

Adventures in Open Mic, Volume 1

by ANDREW HICKS

STARDATE: Tuesday, April 19, 2011
VENUE: Funny Bone Westport, St. Louis

I can fade this shit in five minutes flat.

Tonight was the first in what should become a weekly tradition now that I’m back in St. Louis — open mic night at Funny Bone Westport. More than 30 comics showed up, and only 16 were picked to perform. I was one of them, and I’m pretty sure it was only because I wrote on the sign-up sheet that I had two to four friends coming to see me. It’s good to have friends.

The open mic comedians are corralled into the corner balcony. If you want to sit at a table with your buddies, you become a paying customer. No employee pricing on drinks, and the two-drink minimum applies. Now, I quit drinking six months ago, and I wasn’t keen on the idea of paying three bucks for a 16-ounce off-brand bottle of water or a 10-ounce mug of Coke filled to the top with ice. So I went the O’Doul’s route.

Drank up my two bottles of nonalcoholic brew and felt a little bit loopy for a few minutes afterward. It gave me the idea to play a sadistic trick on my wife — drink a six-pack of O’Doul’s, come home, kiss her on the mouth and pretend to be half-drunk, then burst into phony tears because I took a tumble from the wagon. That is, if I didn’t get pulled over on the way home and flunk a sobriety test due to sheer lack of coordination. (“Step out of the car, Beer Breath.”)

As the show’s starting each week, the FBW people post a roster of which open mic comics have been picked to perform and in what order. I was listed 14th, third to last. Open mic people get four minutes onstage. Throughout the show, sprinkled between every three or four comics, they bring professional comedians up, and it seems like they’re allowed to perform for up to eight minutes.

Not sure if it was intentional on FBW’s part, but the funniest open mic comedians went up first. Then there was a stretch of four or five in a row who sucked. Not helping matters at all was a table of four seated just off stage left. Two girls, two guys and probably 32 cocktails between them. They talked loudly amongst themselves and heckled the comedians.

I haven’t yet had to deal with being heckled — hell, at open mic at Donnie B’s in Springfield, no one can even sit close enough to the stage for the comedians to hear them — but five or six different comics told these people to shut the fuck up, in those words, and were completely ineffective at accomplishing the task. A bouncer finally went over to the table and talked his bouncer talk, and they still wouldn’t shut up.

To make matters worse, these guys heckled the funny comedians and left the sucky ones alone. I was praying for their noisy-ass intervention when a 50-year-old weirdo who’d never set foot onstage was in the middle of reciting his two-minute poem about a Boy Scout with a tick on the head of his penis.

read more »

April 21, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 2

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Which one's the creepy one? We're still not sure.

TUESDAY

There are ten Christmas Peanut M&Ms resting peacefully on a ledge inside the trash chute door. I’m soooooo tempted… *crunch crunch crunch*

For 2 seconds, I thought I was Facebook friends with the creepy uncle from “Full House.” Turns out its just a guy from high school. And no, I did NOT go to Montesorri Statutory Rape Academy.

Tonight, I felt compeled by my heritage to cook in the style of my families’ homelands. The downside is I singlehandedly made my entire floor smell like an eastern European fart.

I’m standing in my kitchen, with a 15-year-old Mighty Ducks sweatshirt on, no pants, one sock, chopping green onions for my dinner. Happy wet dream, people.

MONDAY

When I got home last night, thanks to my new Rastafarian neighbor who has rappist shows on the weekends, the whole floor smelled like weed. I said, “Holy marijuana, Batman!” but not like the old TV show. More in a Malibu Barbie kinda way. I want to meet him and mysteriously call him MB. Because fucking with stoners is my passion.

I was going back through my Facebook newsfeed when it hit me — I honestly don’t give a flying fuck what ANYONE does before noon.

I am a man trapped in a lesbian’s body. That man REALLY hates eating pussy.

As a reward for not populating the earth with EVEN MORE FUCKING PEOPLE, women of a certain age should be graced with the gift of lactating the alcoholic beverage of their desire.

While working as a cocktail waitress, “just the tip” is a lifestyle.

SUNDAY

I’ve never heard my cat Dwight fart. Maybe that’s why he’s always so pissed.

Do you think when I’m not home, Dwight puts on my pannies and plays Fancy Lady Tea Party?

I am so super thirsty, you woulda swore i was just moggin’ on a salt lick or something. Sheesh.

“WTF kinda chicken is this? Tell me, bitch! Tell me! What makes you think I’d eat this trailer park shit?! Look at me, bitch! Answer me!!” -Dwight’s reaction to cream of mushroom chicken

read more »

April 14, 2011

This Week in J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

This Magic 8 Ball told Michael Jackson to marry a woman twice.

SATURDAY

Been at the bar for less than an hour. Already got my first walk-by farting. Oy vey, it’s gonna be a looooong night! Fuck you, beer specials! Give that guy’s ass some Binaca!

Magic 8 Ball says, “You’re gonna go get pisto with some Mexicans.” Indeed, Magic 8 Ball, indeed!

I am thankful for civil intellectual debates and for my mom not raising more racists in this asshole world.

I asked God for a new lease on life, but I didn’t pass the credit check.

As I become friends with more comics and writers, we seem to all have cats. I think this is because there’s no tougher customer than a cat. Those pussies don’t laugh for shit!

FRIDAY

Do people actually dish wash their dishwasher-safe sex toys?! “Honey, where’s that Pyrex didlo?” “In the dishwasher next to the sippy cups!”

Even over the ruckus across the hall, where Young Jeezie is obviously performing live, I can still hear the guy next door peeing. Jealous?

I think the neighbors are playing that new game Meth Lab Hero.

I’m always looking to spin and feminize cliche jokes. That being said, who wants to play, Just The Tit?

Botchy circumcision! The writing’s on the ball!

The last time a guy told me he had dick for days, I didn’t see him for like a week.

This is something I can’t stress enough, having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.

read more »

April 13, 2011

3DSC, Day 12: Song you just like because of the video

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 12: SONG YOU JUST LIKE BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO

J.MIZ

When asked about being so close to a vicious, deadly creature, the snake said Britney was cool, but that song she did called "Lucky" was a piece of crap.

Oh Baby Baby” and “I’m a Slave 4 U” by Miss Britney. Who says chicks can’t have school girl and snake fantasies?! And she danced her white girl booty off. I loved “Slave” on MTV and in the club, but neither got put on a J.Miz mix tape of any sort.

ANDREW HICKS
I put “Slave” on a mix CD. And I don’t think I would have paid attention to any Britney Spears song if not for the videos. Except “Toxic.” “Toxic” is pure pop genius.

J.MIZ
She’s sexy when she’s not banging K-Fed or batshit.

ANDREW HICKS
At first, I thought you meant when Britney’s not banging K-Fed or banging batshit.

J.MIZ
I’m pretty over “Thriller,” but that’s by far one of the best videos ever made ever ever.

ANDREW HICKS
I’m pretty over YouTube videos of flash mobs imitating the “Thriller” graveyard dance sequence.

J.MIZ
I like the pseudo-lesbianism of Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler in the AerosmithCrazy” video, but the meter of that song gets my goat. (What am I, 80 now? Gets my goat? WTF.) Not to hate on Aerosmith and get simultaneously jooked by Buddah, but that’s my least favorite song of theirs. The bitches be banging though.

read more »

April 11, 2011

3DSC, Day 11: Favorite song with accompanying dance

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 11: FAVORITE SONG WITH ACCOMPANYING DANCE (e.g. “The Twist,” “Humpty Dance,” “Teach Me How To Dougie”)

This guy has his name across the lenses of his sunglasses. That's a little absurd, if you ask us.

J.MIZ
I’m actually a good dancer, but I’m old now, so I dont practice the hip dances to nail it at the club anymore. Last summer, though, my cousin got married, and who knew that the trifecta of weed, Bud Light draft and a party dress would cause me to know every damn lick of Soulja Boy Crank Dat“?

ANDREW HICKS
I confess major guilty fondness for “Mambo No. 5,” but I’m not aware of any particular dance being attached to it. There’s regular mambo, of course. But I’ve never heard of a dance utilizing the numbers 2, 3, 4, 5 or beyond.

J.MIZ
I love that “Down down, do your dance / Walk it by yourself, now walk by yourself” by Cupid. I feel so G-fab cuz I totally can follow orders barked at me by a silky-smooth brown-skinned brotha. White people have line dancing… FAIL.

TRACY SAINDON
They played “Cupid Shuffle” at a mother/son dance I went to. The one black mom and I were the only ones dancing.

SARACAKES
I have to admit I can’t do the Electric Slide to save my life, but I love to pretend that it’s the first time I’m learning the dance every time I’m at a wedding reception.

J.MIZ
We gots to up your dance game. You white girls need some serious dance lessons, at least for weddings. Funny thing is, at weddings, my mom and I play a game called Dance Off-Beat because it’s so hard for us. And I didn’t have a lesson past age 7. I need to empower my bitches!

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April 7, 2011

3DSC, Day 10: Favorite song whitey took over from people of color

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 10: FAVORITE SONG WHITEY TOOK OVER FROM PEOPLE OF COLOR

Rihanna launched her own line of umbrellas, on sale at Macys. For real.

J.MIZ
I still love every single cover of the song “Umbrella” by Rihanna, written by Ne-Yo. (Do I get bonus points because its a twofer nab?)

TRACY SAINDON
White Lines,” Duran Duran.

ANDREW HICKS
That song belongs to the white man outright. It’s about coke, the Caucasianest drug this side of crystal meth.

TRACY SAINDON
How bout Cee-Lo‘s “Forget You” done by Gwyneth?

ANDREW HICKS
I love Bob Marley, but I think Clapton did a better “I Shot the Sheriff.”

TRACY SAINDON
Ah, Marley… so definitely “Waiting in Vain” by Annie Lennox.

J.MIZ
Annie Lennox = albino. Tracy wins everything. Ain’t nobody more of a whitey than good ole Annie Lennox.

ANDREW HICKS
Annie also fathered more children than Marley.

J.MIZ
There was a country cover of Tony Rich‘s “Nobody Knows” that I actually enjoyed. Meaning, I didn’t want to deafen myself with pinking shears while it was on. But like “Umbrella,” a good song’s a good song.

ANDREW HICKS
I’ve heard that Tony Rich meets Big and Rich shit. It wasn’t bad. I also kinda like John Michael Montgomery‘s version of “I Swear.”

J.MIZ
Wasn’t “I Swear” the Backstreet Boys? Not the Black, Street Boys…

ANDREW HICKS
It was All-4-One. There were at least two black guys and a brown guy in that group. Damn.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’ll come up with something funny, but the White Stripes pull off an epic cover of Robert Johnson’s “Stop Breaking Down.”

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Jeff never came back to us with anything funny for this topic.]

J.MIZ
There’s this French chick, Madeleine Peyroux, who’s a jazz singer. The first three times I heard her, I thought it was some Billie Holiday I’d never heard, and I’ve been a fan since I was 12. If a white girl can issue G passes, she gets one from me. Hopefully, the Gs will honor it.

MICHELLE DEE
Conversely, we should do Favorite Song Puffy Ripped Off (“IT’S THE REMIX!”).

J.MIZ
Harry Connick, Jr. pulls off a lot of old jazz. And the pannies of many, many white bitches. I feel like that “sexual chocolate” scene in Coming To America (“Dat boy is GOOD!”).

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March 30, 2011

3DSC, Day 9: Song to play at someone you dislike’s funeral

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


WNF SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 9
BEST SONG TO PLAY AT SOMEONE YOU DISLIKE’S FUNERAL

SARACAKES

A happy sea lion, celebrating his promotion at work, seconds before being chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane.

The Lion Sleeps Tonite,” at the funeral of some baby sea lions. (“A-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way…”) Cute and/or endangered animals seem a safe way to go.

ANDREW HICKS
It’s always cool to make fun of dead baby sea lions.

J.MIZ
Wouldn’t “In Da Club” by 50 Cent be apropos for dead baby seals as well?

BUDDAH ESKEW
My mother in-law. “Another One Bites the Dust.”

LINDSAY HARTLEY
I Hate Everyone” from Say Anything. Because… I fucking hate you.

J.MIZ
I grew up in Joliet, Ill. We had a lot of bridges. They scared me. So, for my driver’s ed teacher, who I’m sure broke eight laws a week and made me take ALL the bridges — suck on some Fergie as your send-off, you sick sadist fuck.

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March 28, 2011

3DSC, Day 8: Strangest song you’ve had sex to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 8: STRANGEST SONG YOU’VE HAD SEX TO

The members of 2 Live Crew take a peek up Lady Liberty's sexy green robe.

SCOTTY HARRIS
Unprotected Sex With Multiple Partners” is the only song I ever listen to during sex. It’s a choice I made the very first time I never got laid.

SARACAKES
Proud To Be an American,” while fucking an Iraqi. Okay, not really, but I SO wish. Not only are those dudes pretty handsome, but they for the most part grow them some awesome flavor-savers. Nothing like tasting the tricklings of my own ladybits while he’s angrily pounding away. (“Where at least I know I’m free.”)

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sabbath Bloddy Sabbath” sure can darken the mood.

J.MIZ
During like sophomore year, a guy I was gaga over knew my buttons. So when he picked me up in his gold convertible, wearing a polka-dot silk shirt, eyebrow freshly notched, patent-leather metal toes shining — AND handed me two cans of MGD and threw on 2 Live Crew… ONCE AGAIN, ITS ON!
( DISCLAIMER: I was a vaginal virgin till college, but I still popped that coochie like a fucking rider, son.)

ANDREW HICKS
I have tracks from the ’60s on my iPod where Johnny Carson is being interviewed about comedy, and that always distracts me, because I’m trying to get down with the sex and can’t tune out the background noise. And Johnny’s saying shit that makes me think, so one part of the brain is like, “Go pinch the other nipple now,” and another part of the brain is like, “He’s right about timing. A half beat pause twice during the setup, then a beat and a half just before the meat of the punchline.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Generally speaking, I’ve chosen the music for said encounters. I gotta think a song like “Short Dick Man” from 20 Fingers would be fairly upsetting though.

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March 23, 2011

3DSC, Day 7: Song you love by an artist you hate

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


Rupert Holmes: Not much into yoga.

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 7: SONG YOU LOVE BY AN ARTIST YOU HATE

RYAN KRAUSE
Rupert Holmes with “Escape (The Pina Colada Song).”

ANDREW HICKS
Krause, that’s the only song Rupert Holmes ever put out. Rupert Holmes IS “Escape.” It’s like, “I hate cash, but I love dollar bills.”

RYAN KRAUSE
He really only had one song and one song only?

ANDREW HICKS
As far as history is concerned, yes.

RYAN KRAUSE
Then he is the greatest artist EVER.

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March 21, 2011

3DSC, Day 6: Song you’re embarassed to admit you know all the words to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 6: SONG YOU’RE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO

Prince swears he's "all about the clam."

J.MIZ
Where should I begin? I pretty much have the entire Grease soundtrack memorized. I was motherfuckin Sandra Dee. Not only did I have that double-album gem on vinyl, I had two copies. Yes, two. No idea why. They both played fine. And nobody’s ever questioned it.

SARA J ROSE
Went out last night and was surprised I knew so many words to “Pussy Control” by Prince. I should have known the marriage wasn’t going to work out when I found out the guy liked Prince so much.

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sadly, “Mandy,” by Barry Manilow, although this nugget helped me write an inappropriate Michael J. Fox joke.

J.MIZ
I love “Copacabana.” Wait, I meant cabana boys. Never mind.

DRIFT ROBERTS
What “song”? Try the entire discography of Tom Petty, KISS, Boston, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, The Who, CCR, Deep Purple, Genesis, Talking Heads, Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, Dylan, Queen, Jethro Tull, Rainbow, T.Rex, Simon and Garfunkel, Beatles, Yes, Fleetwood Mac, Doors, Stevie Wonder, David Bowie, AC/DC, Wings, Rush, Devo, Alice Cooper, Van Halen, Zappa, Elton John, Steely Dan, BOC, Van Morrison, Kinks, Cars, Judas Priest, Janis Joplin, Thin Lizzy, Uriah Heep, ZZ Top, Montrose, UFO, Boston, Cheap Trick, Joan Jett, Heart, Kansas and Warren Zevon. I’m 18. I should be spending my time getting laid and underage drinking, not being Buddah’s music buddy.

BUDDAH ESKEW
I got your “music buddy.” Pink Floyd?! Zep?! Them’s fighting words! You forgot Aerofuckinsmith!

DRIFT ROBERTS
Who’s Aerosmith?? (Hah! Gotcha!)

J.MIZ
Oh em gee… *hands Drift some pussy, then wonders if he and Buddah were any other kind of “buddies” since Buddah once warned me to be gentle with Drift*

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March 18, 2011

3DSC, Day 5: Favorite commercial jingle

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 5: FAVORITE COMMERCIAL JINGLE

^ Exists.

RYAN KRAUSE
“Big or small
Short or tall
Gay or straight
You can find it all at Overweight Date.

That’s right, http://www.overweightdate.com.

J.MIZ
OMG! Ryan needs pussy if he’s chubby-chasing. Poor guy. Fuck… And that’s now my fav jingle as well.

RYAN KRAUSE
I heard it on AOL Radio while listening to the metal station.

SARA J ROSE
Always did like the Kit Kat jingle… “Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that…”

JAMES DRAPER
“Pow-Pow Power Wheels!” The “588-2300-Empire” jingle from broadcasts of Cubs games. Jim Gaffigan built his whole career from the Hot Pockets song.

BUDDAH ESKEW
FreeCreditReport.com band is awesome… “I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner…” The Chili’s baby back ribs song is catchy too… Too many to choose from… Damn you, Hicks!

MICHELLE DEE
I used to like “My Buddy” when I was younger, but now I’m older, I know what stalking is, and I’ve seen Child’s Play. So now it’s just creepy.

J.MIZ
I hate one. Sounds horrible, but the Stand Up To Cancer theme song. It’s like some halfwit, special-ed, B-list, meh-type, wannabe “We Are the World” / “Do They Know It’s Christmas” shit, bad attempt at gaining some cancer-based solidarity. Like fuck, you couldn’t even have gotten the “She Bangs” guy from Idol or any pseudo-singer to stand their ass up for cancer? And what if they have cancer and can’t stand up? Racists!

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March 17, 2011

3DSC, Day 4: A song that infuriates you

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 4: A SONG THAT INFURIATES YOU

"COLLECTION OF BUTCHERY IN MY TOOL SHED! / FEMALE HEADS AND ENTRAILS HANG FROM THE CEILING! / RATS FEASTING ON CHUNKS OF SKIN! / SHIT AND BLOOD STAINS SMEARED ON THE FLOOR! / NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!!!"

SCOTTY HARRIS
Any song that contains use of “words” that can’t be found in a dictionary. By that, I mean rap, whatever that screaming crap is where they change pitch but never actually say anything, and a surprisingly large number of country songs.

J.MIZ
Ugh, I hate screamo Cookie Monster music too. “Gimme cookie / Gimme cookie / Gimme cookie / Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!” And I hate country, save for some old stuff or the more pop-sounding new stuff.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I really fucking hate the Ween song “Push th’ Little Daisies.” Not only is the song irritating like a “Judging Amy “marathon, but I also find the abbreviated “the” to be so incredibly fucking stupid that I very nearly don’t have the words. Fuck this song. Fuck this band and the two douchebags it’s comprised of with their made up fucking rhymefest names.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I fucking hate WEEN!

J.MIZ
I hate weenises.

MICHELLE DEE
American Pie.” That’s right, I went there. Hate that song ever since I started frequenting karaoke. What kind of timecow are you to sing “American Pie” when 25 other people only have 3.5 hours to sing as many songs as they can?

Jenny Lewis. Don't worry, we haven't heard of her either.

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March 16, 2011

3DSC, Day 3: Favorite song recorded by an actor

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 3: FAVORITE SONG RECORDED BY AN ACTOR/ACTRESS

Mr. T and The Mothers

J.MIZ
Any time I catch Mr. T‘s “Treat Your Mother Right,” time stands still, my jaw goes slack, and I stop breathing due to its awesomeness.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’d like to nominate Marilyn Monroe‘s rendition of the birthday song for John F. Kennedy. JFK could pull some serious tail… That’s why I still say Jackie O had him killed.

J.MIZ
Anything by Juliette and The Licks! I got somethin’ she can lick! But seriously, she’s badass.

C.J. DODD
“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Miley Cyrus on her Breakout album, Platinum Edition. Don’t fucking judge me.

J.MIZ
On the down low — I get “She’s Like the Wind” stuck in my head like two times a year. I’m never sure if that makes me wanna slit my wrists or don a tutu.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Hmmm… that’s dangerously close to being a Patrick Swayze joke. The last thing we want to do is put people off of watching Dirty Dancing the next time it comes on Oxygen. Though, now that I think about it, Swayze probably wouldn’t mind being on oxygen right now.

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March 15, 2011

3DSC, Day 2: Least favorite patriotic anthem

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 2: LEAST FAVORITE PATRIOTIC ANTHEM

SAAD AHMED
The ones from other countries.

J.MIZ
I hate them all. Every American anthem sounds like fucking Pilgrim rubbish or a fucking Ford commercial. Canada had the right idea: gank somebody else’s song and toss some new words on it. We ain’t gots times fo’ dis booshit!

C.J. DODD
Whichever one Christina Aguilera fucked up.

MICHELLE DEE
“God Bless the USA,” by everyone and anyone who had a slight amount of talent after 9/11. Especially the American Idol fucks.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
That song is a blast at karaoke. You cannot go too far over the top with it.

ANDREW HICKS
Narrowly escaped with my life in a hillbilly bar in 2003 after changing the lyrics to “God Bless Saddam Hussein.”

Soviet WWF wrestler Nikolai Volkoff, in his trademark black hat and red women's underwear.

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March 14, 2011

3DSC, Day 1: Song that makes you feel the most gangster

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’re like us, your Facebook feed has been flooded with people participating in the 30 Day Song Challenge. And if you’re also like us, you love music but don’t want to answer questions like, “What song do you listen to you when you’re sad?” and, “If your poodle was a Gloria Estefan song, which one would it be?” So we’re doing our own 30-day music challenge, with our own questions, and we invite you to contribute your own picks to our comments section below.

THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 1: SONG THAT MAKES YOU FEEL THE MOST GANGSTER

J.MIZ
“Whats My Name” by DMX gets me hype. I used to bump the shit out of Gangsta Boo‘s “What U N*%#$z Want From a Bitch” in my Acura while driving to my job at a high-end private government hotel in my wool suit. THUG LYFE!

Before he was famous, Warren G used to get paid $4.80 an hour to make sure that streetlight didn't fall over.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
For me, it’s absolutely “Regulate” by Warren G and Nate Dogg. First, it starts off with a speech taken from Young Guns, a movie for which I have unabashed love. Second, this song came out while I was in high school. Two of my fellow Burger King coworkers at the time were gangster types. Now, you need to keep in mind that this came from the perspective of a Whitey McWhite guy who had just moved from Minnesota, where we the only black people I saw were on TV. So, in my mind, any black guy older than me who liked rap music and didn’t finish high school may as well have been an extra in Boyz in the Hood. Working the night shift, we’d throw Warren G in the CD player (resisting temptation to say “boombox”), and by the end of the summer, I had every cut on that album down cold. Definitely the thuggest time of my life.

DRIFT ROBERTS
I used to wrestle, and my introductory music — Simon and Garfunkel‘s “The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)” — got me all hyphy and shit. Barbra Streisand‘s “People” does it for me too.

ANDREW HICKS
For me, it’s 2Pac and Digital Underground, “I Get Around.” The second that beat drops, I become Al Capone in M.C. Hammer pants. I hope to live long enough to see this song exist on karaoke so I can tommygun my way through all three rappers’ verses.

J.MIZ
“Hail Mary” on 2Pac‘s alter ego CD causes me immediate vaginal sealing and penile growth. But I have to follow up with “Fuck the World” to complete the transformation with a set of full-functioning testicles.

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March 12, 2011

Shoulda Died Young: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
So Elton John was seriously a genius for the first half of the ’70s. Then he put out the godawful “Crocodile Rock,” became a cartoon character, started writing almost exclusively for cartoon characters, almost went bankrupt because he spends some stupid amount on fresh flowers and now is just an aged celebrity more famous for being out of the closet than anything he’s actually done over the last 15 to 20 years.

ANDREW HICKS
That gets me thinking, who are some pop culture stars who would’ve had more respectable careers had they died early? Would Gallagher have become a revered cult comedian had he been assassinated in 1985?

BUDDAH ESKEW
I thought Gallagher drowned in a freak melon juice accident in 2002.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I think a lot of rock stars will fit under here. Does anyone revere anything the Rolling Stones or The Who have put out in the last 30 years? Those are pretty easy targets, though.

ANDREW HICKS
I think “Beast of Burden” is 31 years old, so you’re probably right.

Brando, after he should've been long-dead

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’m gonna go with Marlon Brando. By the time he went toes up, he was just a crazy fat man who spent the majority of his time on his private island. Let’s say he actually died during the making of Apocalypse Now. Sure he’d be remembered as being a bit strange, but that would be far, far outweighed by his career as an actor. On top of that, Apocalypse Now (which already has a mythic quality to it) goes to a whole new level in the history of film.

LINDSAY HARTLEY
Michael Jackson. I woulda loved to have seen one of the mommas of the little boys he touched just slit his throat.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
MJ is another way-too-easy target, though. If I’m going pop stars of the ’80s, I’d say Madonna. I know Ray of Light and Music are solid works, but what if she had died in 1989 after putting out Like a Prayer? She goes out with possibly her most ambitious album and becomes the <a href="John Cazale of pop music. More importantly if she croaks in 1989, she avoids all the drama of Dennis Rodman, Jose Canseco and Alex Rodriguez. The Kabbalah nonsense never comes up. Her marriage to Guy Ritchie and the subsequently horrid film Swept Away never happen. No one makes any jokes about how muscled up she’s become.

ANDREW HICKS
A Madonna who dies in 1989 is still a Madonna who starred in Shanghai Surprise.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Well… no career is perfect. Except John Cazale’s, as he can’t help that Francis Ford Coppola raped his corpse by putting footage of him into Godfather III.

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March 10, 2011

Vag-a-Bond

A TASTEFUL J.MIZ DISCUSSION
edited by ANDREW HICKS


J.MIZ
Riding in the car with my brother, and he’s flipping radio stations. His moment of resignation unfortunately came from a station that went from Luda to Ke$ha. HALP! Think I have a brain bleed ):

ANDREW J HICKS
Speaking of Ke$ha, you can’t spell “vagabond” without “vag.”

J.MIZ
You can’t spell “dick” without… “dick.”
Why did my brain just create a combo of Gold Bond/denture cream for pussy?! “Vag-a-Bond! Keeps you fresh AND reduces slippage by sealing your vag tight as the day you were born! Vag-a-Bond!”
Testimonial: “I’m wearing it right now!”
Cue salsa music and two 70-somethings dancing in Puerto Rico… “Oy vey, I need a nap…” VAG-A-BOND!

ANDREW J HICKS
I dunno. Maybe I’m just biased against 70-year-old vaginas.

J.MIZ
Hey man, don’t knock 70-year-old vag till ya try it! Especially with all the strides in vagiplasty! On my 40th birthday, I’m going in for a “preteen” nip and tuck!
“Yeah, she’s forty, but she has the pussy of a ten year old!” says my future husband/celebrity pedo. And by “celebrity,” I mean he’s had a sit-down with Chris Hansen. He was the one with the four pack of purple Four Loko and the red vines. He gets out in 2013! Can’t wait! Excite! (:
And Andrew, there comes a time when you must choose between 70-year-old cooch and 70- year-old balls! WHAT DO YOU DO?!
“In a world… where all genitalia is 70… there is one man, and one man only… who will fight to renew the junk of this post-apocalyptic world… This man is THE TAINT MASTER! He alone can bring youth to a cold, dead world’s nether regions!”
Starring Bruce Campbell as Andrew P Keaton.
Jus so you know, J.Miz had the best junk discussion today!

ANDREW J HICKS
It’s Ke$ha. Say what you will about her, but she really gets us ordinary Americans talking about elderly junk like no recording artist since maybe Grace Jones.

J.MIZ
She’s sooooo young, but she has the puss of the Crypt Keeper! Ah heh heh he heh!

March 9, 2011

Where Is The “Fun” In “Dysfunctional”?

by NATALIE STEINACHER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Having a family member with a mental illness is one thing. Most can handle that. You just roll with the punches and deal with it when the person’s issues pop up. After all, it’s not their fault; it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain. But it’s much harder to roll with a family member whose mental illness was brought on by their own doing.

My biological dad was a bisexual heroin and cocaine addict, pill-popping Mexican gangsta. Now, as a result of his lifestyle, he is a bipolar methadone addict who is HIV positive, has borderline multiple-personality disorder and is still a pill popper.

No, before anyone asks, I was NOT raised by this man. He was too busy raving and chasing chicks with dicks and poppin’ caps in people’s asses to be a full-time dad. I guess kids cramped his O.G. lifestyle. (O.G. stands for Original Gangsta, for those of you not familiar with Dr. Dre’s The Chronic.)

If you sense some sort of disdain in my writing, you are right. I have a very negatively biased view of my biological dad, a.k.a. sperm donor. I’ve tried to “be there” for him — like he wasn’t for me and my brother — because he is dying of AIDS. I figured I had no time to be mad; just roll with it, and be happy for the time he is here.

So after 12 years of him being here, I am a little pissed that, a) the more I learn of this man, the more I’m disgusted by him, and, b) if I would have known he would live this long, I would have let his ass have it when he first came back into my life, when I was 19, after 17 years of him being nowhere to be found.

All that aside, I let him live with me when he had no place to go. When he did get an apartment, I went to his house three days a week and cooked, cleaned and ran errands for him. After awhile, he offered to pay me for that “service” if I would give him some money every time I get paid, so he’d have money for bills.

Well, after awhile, that money for bills became money for pills, and I no longer felt comfortable being in the house with him. He is a 58-year-old teenager. He still lives like a 16-year-old boy, just without the random boners, cracking voice and acne.

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February 25, 2011

How Not To Internet Date, 25 Feb. 2011

by Michelle Dee

Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

Dab1971: hello beautiful,how are you?

Michelle Dee: i’m ok

Dab1971: good, i am to since i heard from beautiful :)  so whats a good looking lady like yourself doing single?

Michelle Dee: well i was married.. then I divorced, so now I’m single.

Dab1971: lol, same as me,i was married for 10 yrs been divorced for 5 yrs

Michelle Dee: lol

Dab1971: so you date black guys

Michelle Dee: not currently

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