Broken News | 2011 Year-End Review

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

So, here we are at the end of 2011. It’s been quite the eventful year for news coverage, to be sure. I’ve taken a lot of time off from We’re Not Funny to focus on other things, but when Editor-In-Chief-Comedian-Extraordinaire Andrew J. Hicks threw the idea at me to do a year-end news review… well, it just sounded right. So here you go folks, more of the same old snarky, dry jokes you’re used to from me.

Herman Cain suspends presidential campaign after allegations of marital affair and sexual harassment

Herman Cain is a pimp straight out of the old school. The man gets his whole shit busted for all of his infidelity then has the brassnuts to bow out of the race while blaming it on the media figuring out what a swine he is. That’s right. It’s not his fault he can’t keep his Calzone out of some extramarital Deep Dish, it’s the media to blame for finding the sad Train O’ Whores. That’s gangster, son… gangster.

Rapture predicted for May 21st

Another religious nutjob had an end-time prediction. Not just any prediction, but an exact date. Like a good heathen even I know the bible says not even Jesus knows ‘the day nor the hour’ the Big G will come back, but this guy thought he did. This date, of course, passed by with little incident. Well, unless you count the woman who tried to kill her kids and herself to save them all, or the numerous other folks who sold off all they owned or gave it away. Nevermind all that, though, I’m just happy I get another undefined period of time to jack-off to Emma Watson in the first Harry Potter, err… the last one… the LAST Harry Potter.

Lindsay Lohan spends 5 hours in jail for probation violation

Seriously? This made the top news of 2011? Am I on Candid Camera? OK, listen Two-Thousand Eleven, you and I have to talk. You fucked up, you fucked up real bad and I am not happy at all about it. When I made a wish on January 1, 2011 for a talentless coke-whore to die, and a talented coke-whore to find some rehabilitation, this is not at all what I meant. You mixed that shit all up, 2011. Amy Winehouse was supposed to be the one to find some rehabilitation.

Congress passes deal to raise debt ceiling

All seemed well and rational in congress, at first, until John “DJ Boner” Boehner dropped a beat and shouted out “raise ‘da roof, homeslices.” Add to this Michelle Bachmann’s confusion over the issue and it’s easy to see why this passed:

Casey Anthony found guilty of giving false info to law enforcement

Frankly, this one makes me sick. Not for the reasons you are thinking, though. First of all, how many of you were on the Jury of her trial? Yeah, I thought so… All you heard about for two weeks on Social Media sites was this woman. Y’all don’t know that she did or did not do a thing, so what’s with all the trippin’ over it? Seriously, don’t we all have some bills to pay or a book to read or something? And what makes me even more gut-hurt over this? Immediately after the trial you have porn producers trying to get a contract with her for a movie. I mean seriously? Who the hell wants to watch a porn starring a pretty attractive young woman who claims to have been sexually abused as a child and is a possible child-murderer? Who? Tell me who! Wait… who? Eric Dohman? Oh…

Major protests in Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, Greece, Iran…

The Occupy Movement, the getting-off-of-your-ass-and-doing-something-about-it movement for the video game generations. I stand in solidarity with you guys, but I must say, I think you got it mixed up a bit. I understand the thought of targeting the petty bourgeoisie on Wall Street, where they do little to make lots, I do. However, I don’t think that has the impact you could have had with a little more creativity. Like any good Ayn Rand fanatic, the 1% are completely irrational and must bed their married understudies to… wait… no that’s just Ayn Rand. The point I make here is that we should Occupy them where it hurts. Occupy the Mercedes dealership. The Lear jet manufacturer. Realdoll.com. The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Iraq, Afghanistan, or Palestine… wait, no they already have those occupied.

17 Promises

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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Jesus was totally going to come back in May, but he got stuck attending a wedding he’d forgotten to put in his Outlook calendar. (“Save the date, Jesus!”) So Our Lord has rescheduled his appearance — he’ll be back October 21st this time. I have less than three months to get myself rapture-ready, and I’m going to take it seriously.

I promise to:

• Not sweat the small stuff. Instead, I will obsess only about really BIG shit that has not yet happened.
• Stop comparing myself to skinny women under the age of 30. Instead, I will only compare myself to overweight women over the age of 50, which will lead to a healthier level of self-esteem.
• Spend more time with family, right up to the point where they become completely intolerable.
• Not let my ass become the size of a truck. The size of a bicycle is my limit.
• Not spend more than one hour a day on the Internet. Of course, I’m not much of a clock watcher, so that one is a bit of a crap shoot.
• Work with neglected children, namely my daughter.
• Stop sending my husband text messages while I am talking to him on the phone.
• Give up at least three clothing items whose year of origin was 1986-93.

Rapture 2: This Time It’s Personal

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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So where were you for the Rapture? Check this out for big hairy man-balls – not content with the whole “meeting Jesus in the clouds” thing, I got on a plane over the US and flew up to meet the dude at the Reality Turnpike.

Nothing. Nada. Not so much as a sacred sandal. Which leads me to a question: considering all the vast wealth accumulated by churches that follow the guy’s alleged teaching, has anyone thought about buying Jesus a really kickass alarm clock? Because he seems about as reliable as a twentysomething stoner after a major bong sesh. Hmm… note to self: contact Mel Gibson re: The Return of the Christ, starring Seth Rogen…

Dude, where's my apocalypse? DUDE!

Anyway, so there I was, thousands of feet in the clouds, waiting for His Nibs to make an appearance, and of course, abbbbbsolutely nothing happened. Well, technically, a couple of people tried to kill themselves or their loved ones (the logic of which is what, exactly? Avoiding the lines at the Pearly Gates?), but other than that, the world – just like Jesus – missed the memo that it was Game Over, and kept turning as previously advertised.

Woo’s News, June 13, 2011

by WOO

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US Scores Three More Insider-Trading Convictions

There are criminals on Wall Street. Who fucking knew?

Vancouver’s Lapierre finds success to the max after leaving Ducks

Wait… this is about hockey? Can’t seem to give a shit…

Facebook IPO seen moving ahead in first quarter

So a nerd found out how to make money off of people posting status updates every time the weather changes by two degrees, they eat dinner, suffer gastrointestinal issues, or find a Youtube video mildly enjoyable. Just think, everytime you tell us about your second cousin’s graduation, or post a photo of a kitten talking jibberish, it’s worth cold hard cash, to someone else.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 4

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS
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MONDAY

Dwight really needs to switch back to whole milk.

I have a headache THIS BIG. And it has “abstinence” written all over it.

I’m the girl you bring home to Mama. To piss her the fuck off.

The only thing that offends my cat Dwight more than the odor of peppermint is the music catalog of David Bowie.

Tonight I am going to bed alone in every sense of the word. Dwight even shuns me now that he’s lost some weight. #fuckskinnybitches

It’s painfully obvious that most computer software is written by men. Both are always telling you to “finish.”

SUNDAY

My tits have an inappropriate habit of staring men in the eyes.

I’ve spent half my life babysitting, and that doesn’t even count my dating career.

My boyfriend thinks a woman’s place is in the kitchen. Makes perfect sense to me. That’s where I keep the poison.

I only date married men. They understand commitment.

Rapture? Are you Rap-sure?

by ANDREW HICKS
and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

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Dear Jesus,

We knew you weren’t coming back on Saturday, but that didn’t stop us from cleaning our houses just in case. And we don’t mean in the metaphorical, spiritual, “Get your house in order” sense. No, we vacuumed, swept and mopped in the kitchen, did our dishes and everything. We even put out three different varieties of Doritos, since we couldn’t remember which one was your favorite back in the day*.

Okay, we did get our hopes up a little bit when you called Macho Man Randy Savage to heaven a day early, leaving only 143,999 spots open for the rest of us. Then we remembered that the chosen 144,000 mentioned in the Bible are virgins, and you of all omniscient beings should know the Macho Man had his share of big-haired ’80s trailer trash**.

It wasn’t the most disappointing weekend ever. No earthly second coming from you, Jesus, but we did get to meet a delusional hobo who thought he was Vishnu, the supreme god of Vaishnavite Hinduism.

This Rapture hoopla*** reminded us of a few other times you were “supposed” to come back and didn’t. Remember when Pat Robertson spent all of 1982 talking about how you were definitely going to come back in 1982? Then he had to go on the air January 1, 1983. That was a pretty awkward show for Pat. (“Uh, when I said Jesus would come back in 1982, what I meant to say was, ‘The Jews For Jesus will have a comeback in 1982.’ That’s it. That’s what I was trying to say. ’82 was a HUGE year for Christian Jews.”)

The Day After ‘Judgment Day’

"And what a lovely singing voice you must have..."

by MICHELLE DEE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

I have seen a lot of hoopla about Judgment Day approaching on 5/21, and it got me thinking, What would happen if all the world’s true believers disappeared on this day? Lucky for me, I’d be around to see it!

Everyone knows I’d miss the Rapture, but there’d be some surprise heathens in my midst — President Obama and the entire on-air team at Fox News. I’m pretty sure Obama is a closeted atheist, because what Christian fights for the right of those with no religion? And the Fox News team pretends to be extreme right-wing, but it’s an obviously an act for ratings.  They would be left behind in the Judgment Day disappearances, but their viewership would vanish from existence.

The only “crazy conservatives” in the public eye who truly believe the diarrhea coming out of their mouths are Fred “God Hates Everyone But Us” Phelps and his family. They would be taken in the 5/21 Rapture. Sure, they rub many of us the wrong way, but they are true overachievers for Jesus.