Posts tagged ‘Kentucky’

July 11, 2011

Broken News, July 11, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Portugal’s Debt Downgrade: Why Nobody Cares

We support a U.S. government bailout of Iceland but not Portugal. Portugal has never exported any artist with anywhere near the quirky talents of Bjork. And what exactly would you downgrade Portugal to, Kentucky?

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Is there cash in Casey Anthony’s story?

We foresee an episode of Law & Order: SVU with a fictional story that will sound an awful lot like this one.

We hear she already has a book deal, with a working title of If I Did It: I Brought You Into This World And I Can Take You Out Of It.

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Skype And Facebook Get Integrated

Will we have to wear pants now?

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Research find new way to measure penis length

We’re too busy taking hand measurements to comment, but we will say that we’ll no longer be saddened by our stubby fingers.

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Willie Nelson’s weed-related plea deal rejected by a Texas judge

Arresting Willie for weed is like tripping over a fat kid at McDonald’s. Is there no pertinent crime in Texas? Go build your fence, fuckwads. I mean, at this point Willie Nelson is drug paraphernalia!

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Coked Up Florida Man Brandishes ‘Biggest Penis In the World’ To Wide Audience

We’re pretty sure “Wide Audience” is a nice way of saying “Biggest Vagina In the World.” And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

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CONTRIBUTORS: Eric Dohman, Michelle Dee, Eve Ventrella, Woo, Andrew Hicks and Jeff Bailey

July 10, 2011

Lemme Learn You Some Kentucky

by PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ

The Kentucky slogan committee could never agree on anything but this slogan. Eventually, they fell.

I’m from Kentucky. Let me share some information that I’ve collected about the land that I loathe. Let me start with something to impress you. Kentucky is the 37th largest state. Our population is the 26th highest in the nation. With those numbers, I am amazed that we have managed to become No. 1 in prescription pill abuse, and No. 3 in meth labs. (Good job, Indiana, you came in first on that one!)

Thanks to the Kentucky judicial system, I learned all that in DUI class. We also have the largest percentage of smokers of any state which of course is accompanied by the highest cancer rate of the entire country.

Now, let’s have some good news. 83 percent of our kids graduate high school, and our dropout rate is only 2.89 percent. You may think I’m bad at math, but I actually got that statistic from an official government web site. I guess there’s truth in our state slogan: “Where Education Pays.” For the record, I don’t think suicides count toward the dropout rate, but Kentucky ranks in the top 10 for suicide as well.

My home state is also host to the Kentucky Derby, North America’s largest and most famous annual horse-racing event. The race is known as “the fastest two minutes in sports,” which I’m sure reminds female Derby attendees of disappointing men from their pasts, and which is why the Mint Julep was created.

The Kentucky Derby: Old men, hot chicks, big hats, lots of alcohol.

The Kentucky Derby has an old tradition for women: the wearing of the big hat. I can only assume they don’t want to worry about their hair when they get hammered as they flirt with whichever random bored C-list celebrity happens to show up. Personally, I don’t need to use the Kentucky Derby as an excuse to get drunk and flirt with a higher class of women that don’t want to talk to me. I do that all the time

For me, the most exciting Kentucky-related information of all is that Muhammed Ali, George Clooney and Johnny Depp are all from here. To me, this is exciting because they found a way to escape. All three managed to accomplish huge things, which gives me hope that I, too, one great day, will bang women who like me for my money, even if I am from Kentucky.

January 25, 2011

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 25, 2011

[Editors Note: This bitch crazy!]

Hey y’all.  I apoligize for the late post.  I had my cousins weddin to attend this weekend. Beauteful weddin at the First Baptist Church.  The whole family thought this was a long time comin.  They have been together off and on for 18 years, so we were all happy to see her hitched finally.  All 9 of her kids were in the ceremony and it was very touchin. Unfortunately her other baby daddy showed up at the American Legion (father of the 2nd, 3rd, and 7th babies) and made quite a ruckus at the receptin. That man is always reeking of beer and ciggarettes.  But anyhoo, he got all up in my cousins face, and in turn I told him my piece then his loud mouthed lady friend got all up in my face.  That trailer trash princess had put her hands on me and well… I needed a place to put out my ciggarrette.  I was ready to tear into her. Took 3 officers to escort me out. So that’s how I ended up in county lock up over the weekend. I just got released this morning after visitin with that handsome judge I often see at the American Legion singles dances. I think he fancys me.  But anyhoo, I’m here to answer questions and late or not thats what I’m gonna do.

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Dear Chevelle,

Yo C, I got a situation. I gots this roomate and he be ‘illin. Leaving his socks all on the floor and laundry piled up outside his door. He got dishes stacked up in the sink, and don’t do shit up in this piece. It’s like he’s waiting for his momma to come over and magically make it all disappear. I’ve mentioned it and he gets all hype on me, stompin’ off like a whiny little bitch. How should I approach this?

Peace,
Dissed In Denver

Dear Dissed,

Look Honey, never underestimate the power of your momma, and judgin by the way you talk- go for his big momma. You tell them and have them come over.  I always tell my kids you aren’t too big for me to bust your ass. Same goes in your case. If that don’t work I would suggest throwing his crap out on the lawn. He’ll pick it up then! I know thats right!

Dear Chevelle,

I have entered myself in this Miss Kentucky Beauty Pageant. I am super nervous about the questions they are going to ask me, and I wonder if you can provide any tips on how to represent us country girls proper-like!

Lost In Louisville

Dear Lost,

Sugar you need to cram. May I suggest Jepordy re-runs or for more current happenins and news type questions take some lessons off the good folks at Fox News.  When in doubt World Piece and the Children are our future. Damn I love me some Whitney Houston.  Oh and always remember… You can never have too much hair spray!

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Y’all can write 2 me with this here in4mayshun:

Chevelle Danniels
117 Walton Way
Trayler # 13
Dumas, AR 71639

or Emale me at:
baybiezmomma78@aol.com