What’s That Sucking Sound?

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

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According to Lola Tucker, a little plastic surgery isn't a bad thing. (NOT PICTURED: Lola Tucker, a little plastic surgery.)

Recently, while out and about, I heard a lady mention that she’d had liposuction on her waist and hips. I was surprised. She had always been a very attractive woman with a knockout figure.

Now, I should point out, I’m not anti-cosmetic surgery by nature. Of course, I don’t like people who take it so far that they begin to look like a Madam Tussauds Wax Museum figure, with skin so tight their eyebrows are hidden in their hairline. But a little plastic surgery here and there is cool.

I wouldn’t mind a little Restalyn or perhaps some Juvaderm. My upper lip is starting to resemble that of a woman who has been smoking for 30 years. I’ve never even picked up a cigarette.

I had breast reduction surgery. To this day, I can say without hesitation it was the best decision I ever made. And not just because I was worried about my back failing under the weight of my 38DDs. I reduced my boobs purely for vanity’s sake. Let’s face it, there is absolutely nothing attractive about a rack that enters a room several seconds before the rest of this 5’3″ frame strolls in. After my surgery, men started to look me in the eye.

50 dance songs whose titles double as euphemisms for masturbation

by WOO

1. Get It on the Floor – DMX
2. Rock the Bells – LL Cool J
3. U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
4. Party Starter – Will Smith
5. The Real Slim Shady – Eminem
6. Pump It – Black Eyed Peas
7. Crank That – Soulja Boy
8. Rock Your Body – Justin Timberlake
9. Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ – Michael Jackson
10. Breathe, Stretch, Shake – Mase
11. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It – Will Smith
12. Let’s Get It Started – Black Eyed Peas
13. Whoomp! There It Is – Tag Team
14. Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch feat. Loleatta Holloway
15. Get Ready For This – 2 Unlimited
16. Here Comes the Hotstepper – Ini Kamoze
17. C’mon ‘N Ride It (The Train) – Quad City DJs
18. I Like To Move It – Real 2 Real feat. The Mad Stuntman
19. Touch Me (All Night Long) – Cathy Dennis
20. Rhythm of the Night – Corona

All The Small Things

by J. Miz

My best friend has been obsessed with having sex with a male midget human since she heard their “junk” is “normal” sized. It isn’t enough for her to have a Mardi Gras style flashing situation, the little dude HAS to enter her. Who am I to judge, I’ve fucked an amputee for the hash mark. The whole concept – when revealed – threw me into a tizzy of hopes and planning:

“So do you want him be all missionary so you can see if you can spin him like a top, ala Tucker Max?!?”

“You know it’d be like an instant boob job as soon as he touched your titties. Your tits would look HUGE.”

“In fact, I’d have him rub on my butt so I could feel like J-LO… badonkadonk!”

“Are midgets really small or are they just far away?”

“Objects in mirror aren’t smaller than they appear… THEY’RE MOTHERFUCKING MIDGETS!”

Woo’s News, Jan. 22, 2011

by Woo

‘American Idol’ gives Fox its best Thursday ratings in 16 years

Fox also received a hand-job from Steven Tyler to score some blow.

Rumour also has it J-Lo and Tyler are hooking up, sources close to the pair indicate Lopez as feeling Steven is the only man alive who could possibly be uglier than Mark Anthony.

Bank of America Posts 4th-Quarter Loss of $1.2 Billion

We’ll have something to say on this subject once we give a fuck!

Larynx transplant restores voice to Central Valley woman

Husband said to be suing hospital and all Doctors involved, as he now can’t get the bitch to shut-up.

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords leaves Tucson

Too soon? Too soon.

It’s National Hugging Day

National Hugging Day? Sounds like National Free Pass On Sexual Harassment Day.

2010: Year in Review

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

Pop a bottle of champagne. Shoot a gun in the air. Enjoy the lousy, unseasonably warm Smarch weather. And look back with us on 2010 in the news, entertainment and sports.

The BP Oil Spill catapulted almost five million barrels of oil into the Persian Gulf. The images were haunting and made us want to drink more black coffee. Since the oil spill, we at WNF stopped meticulously separating our recycling. Everything goes straight into the landfill now. At 162,000 barrels spilled per day, we figured there was no number of empty aluminum cans of Diet Ruby Red Squirt we could recycle to make up for it. It is our policy at WNF, when presented with a seemingly insurmountable challenge, to give up immediately.

The BP oil rig explosion that led to the spill happened on 4/20. It is purely coincidental that WNF senior staff was vacationing in Louisiana at the time and bragging to all our new Creole friends about the “giant underwater bong” we were going to “go put a torch to.”

Republicans took back a number of seats in the midterm elections. Christine O’Donnell insisted she was not a witch. We insisted, “It’d be a lot cooler if you were.”