This Week in J.Miz, Volume 6

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

If the J.Miz's Cougar Pops truck is a'rockin', it probably means the nearest high school has let out for the day.

WEDNESDAY

The next time I see cupcakes in a bar, I’m gonna start punching white people.

About to go from living solo to cohabitation. I am beginning to realize the necessity of censoring my flatulence.

My guy friend was saying how awesome the Jedi mind trick would be for getting laid. Then I realized, I have that! It’s called a vagina!

I’m so committed to being a cougar I bought an ice cream truck that only plays “Milkshake” by Kelis.

Sobriety’s made me socially awkward. When I go out I still pretend to drink, I act wasted, and I walk home shamefully the next morning.


TUESDAY

When I see a fat kid with fat parents, I feel bad. I mean, those poor parents are stuck having to love a fat kid!

No matter who you are, what you do or what you think, you do not have haters. You’re not that important. To anyone. That is all.

I’ll know I’ve hit rock bottom when I fuck a ventriloquist, a guy who does impressions or that dude who wanted me to call his cock a “crank.”

My mom is always stealing my lighters. I hate it! And besides, at her age, she should really stop smoking crack.

My cat just pooped on my futon. I was angry until I did some quick math and figured out that, long term, it would be more cost-effective than using kitty litter.

 

MONDAY

Crazy girls are good at fucking. Crazy guys are good at fucking up your credit score and social life.

Some guy I follow on Twitter is pissed, apparently drunk and bitching in acronyms! New hero for J.Miz? Methinks so!

Have you ever felt like the Internet would know you were missing before any of your neighbors would? Should I feel sad or keep tweeting?

I’ve had so much caffeine that I’m now moving too fast for the human eye to see and it looks like I’m sitting still. #SquirrelMode

My boyfriend told me to give him a call when I was free, but that’s impossible. I’m fucking expensive.

Big Red could suck the chrome off a fender.

 

SUNDAY

Any time I see a hot guy with an ugly fat girl, I want her to PROVE how good she is at giving head.

Either I’m sitting across from the ugliest couple ever, or he’s such a goon it’s taking her from a 7 to a 3.

People ask me if I miss drinking. I say I don’t miss it at all. But truthfully I do, when I need a good excuse for being slutty.

 

SATURDAY

White people vacuum hardwood floors. Black people sweep the carpet. #LessonsFromTheHood

I’m rarely surprised anymore. That alone can make you feel old.

Insanity is actually expecting a crazy person to act sane.

Rep. Anthony Weiner should show some creativity, step away from the obvious wordplay and move on to misdirection. #ShowUsSomeVag

 

FRIDAY

I’ve had Richard Marx’s “Hold On To the Nights” stuck in my head all day. Consider this my suicide note.

You ever notice in disaster movies that nobody speaks English until the world’s half-destroyed and they’re all stuck in the same place? WTF, Hollywood? WTF indeed!

I wish Twitter and Facebook had the My Top Friends feature like MySpace. I really miss making people feel alienated.

 

THURSDAY

If it wasn’t for Twitter, I’d never have a working knowledge of how a pyramid scheme works.

My cat Dwight needs Rosetta Stone. I have no fucking clue what that guy’s talking about! Then when I don’t do the right thing, he fucking cuts me!

Just overheard a guy give his birth date at a currency exchange, and it’s the day before mine! He was super-excited when I told him. Just imagine how speechless he’ll be when I start using his identity too!

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