2012 Celebrity Death Picks

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

—

Dick Cheney has one thing to say to the Grim Reaper.

Almost a year ago, I posted my 2011 Celebrity Death Picks. I certainly missed the mark, but don’t ask Liz Taylor. (Liz “famously said, ‘A world without Michael Jackson just isn’t worth living in.’ I agree, so get out!”) There were the obvious misses, like Amy Winehouse, Andy Rooney, Harry Morgan, Betty Ford and even Heavy D. But Randy “Macho Man” Savage? Who saw that coming? And Dr. Jack Kevorkian? May I just say, “Bahahahaha!!!”

Also, Dick Clark still lives. He has proven to be an elusive bastard indeed. I give up, Dick. You will live on forever, even if no one ever understands another word you drool.

So here go my 2012 predictions:

• Muhammad Ali — All of Ali’s weights are now considered Shake Weights. Even Michael J. Fox has a shot at knocking out the champ.

• Wilford Brimley — The Cocoon jig is almost up, Willie. We have all bought enough insurance, denture cream and shitty cereal based on your endorsements. Now move over. Dick Van Dyke needs the work.

• Dolly Parton — Insert “big titty” joke here.

• Kirk Douglas — Last year, I picked Michael Douglas and blew it big time. Damn you, cancer cures! If I can’t have the son, I’ll take the father.

• Zsa Zsa Gabor — For chrissakes! She has died three times in the last five years. Can a brother get a decent coroner?

• Kelsey Grammer — Just a hunch…

• Fidel Castro — When Fidel drops, my 1959 Castro dictator rookie card will double in value. And to think, the Cubs just hired Fidel as their new hitting coach.

• Andy Dick — I’m calling it right here! Suicide by April 1st. No fooling.

• Tito Jackson — Tito is the Frank Stallone of his family. He will never hit more home runs than his brother Reggie or win as many championship rings as his cousin Phil. So I forsee a sporting goods accident around mid-summer. Sleep well, La Toya, you may be up next year.

• Joan Collins — I masturbated to Dynasty-era Joanie C in the early ’80s. Here’s a clue: Linda Evans in the library with the candlestick.

• Dick Cheney — Sorry, no hunting accident, just a good ol’ fashioned heart attack.

• Jerry Lewis — This guy has blown up so big, I swear I saw him floating above the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Time to pop, Jer.

• Andy Griffith — My lone holdover from last year. I just know 2012 is his year.

• Adam West — Holy embalming fluid, Batman! POW!

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SIDEBAR NOTE: I was all set with the great, obscure, dark-horse death pick of Francine Hurd Barker of Peaches and Herb fame. I’ll be damned if Francine didn’t one up me in 2005. R.I.P. Peaches.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 15

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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Being fat on Halloween is an extra-special thing.

• For Halloween, I’m going as a shy, conservative, demure, celibate lady. Now THAT’S a fucking costume!

• Handing out “treats.” My Halloween costume is “The Bad Influence.” I’m giving the kids cigarettes, airplane bottles of booze, and HPV.

• The Jack-O-Lantern started with turnips. Suck on that, Hallmark! I want a damn Turnip-O-Lantern.

• Why do fat women always look so angry? I’d be ECSTATIC if I got to eat that much delicious shit!

• An 80-year-old woman asked me, “How has such a pretty girl like you never been married?” My reply, “Guys only like to FUCK crazy girls, Gramma!”

• If you discover a shortcut and it then replaces your regular route, it’s no longer a shortcut.

• Whenever I masturbate, I have this EXTREMELY detailed fantasy about having sex.

2011’s Least Popular Halloween Costumes

• 

  Rocky Dennis was named People's Sexiest-On-The-Inside Man Alive in 1985.

  Rocky Dennis from Mask

• Octomom’s placenta

• Tom from MySpace

• Any costume you have to buy

• Nancy Grace’s fart

• Obese, bacon-intoxicated Ghandi

• Gas station marquee from the future

• Large Marge

• Andy Rooney’s pubescent bed sheets from 1923

• Freshly fucked couch

• Neighbor from “The Hogan Family“

• Undead Mr. Belvedere

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CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Hicks, Paul Lao, Probably Matt Linville, Jessica Stimson, Eve Ventrella and Woo
EDITED BY Andrew Hicks

Things That Won’t (Necessarily) Get You Fired From a Restaurant

by ANDREW HICKS

Every restaurant has its very own Server Who Hates Every Customer.

—

Depending on where you work, you’ll have a strong chance of keeping your restaurant job after doing any of the following:

• Being a homeless dishwasher who bathes yourself in the guest men’s room. Hand soap costs mysteriously shoot through the roof, yet you still smell like straight B.O. and urinal cakes.

• Tossing and serving a house salad that contains a half-smoked Black-N-Mild which was tucked behind your ear.

• Tossing and serving a house salad that contains a used latex glove.

• Tossing and serving a house salad that contains a rotted-out (presumably Mexican migrant) tooth.

• Making a roast beef to go and having your bloody Band-Aid come off somewhere in the sandwich.

• Being under the influence of twice your dosage of half a dozen prescription pills. Every shift.

• Being a busboy, cleaning up a booth that has just held a breastfeeding mother, then announcing loudly to a server across the room (during the lunch rush), “Dude, there’s breastmilk all OVER this booth bench!”

How To Be An Intellectual Douche

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by CHRISTOPHER WOO

• Memorise a list of names of both scientists and philosophers and spout them off, attributing ideas and theories to them at random. Don’t forget to memorise the names of their writings and works, too. Throw in a spiritualist or two, here and there, for good measure.

• Never admit that you’re wrong. Remember, all research and knowledge has been completed and discovered on any given subject you’ve troubled yourself to study. There will never be anything else to say on the subject. New and unique ideas are absurd, and furthermore, admitting wrongdoing would be mean utter failure and disaster to your aspirations of being a douche.

• Don’t accept ideas from anyone who hasn’t read at least three books or watched at least five YouTube or Vimeo videos on the topic at hand. Who do they think they are to come up with un-sourced ideas? Unique ideas and new information are absurd.

• The only acceptable selections of music for your repertoire are the classical artists: Bach, Beethoven, Wagner, Vivaldi, Mozart (of course, since your mother has been playing it for you since conception), Shubert, Dave Matthews, Chopin, Coldplay, Litz, and Brahms. Anything else is simply unacceptable “noise.”

• Two words: Vegan Starbucks. It’s your new diet! The more coffee and smoothies the better. A smoothie is your new chicken soup. It is good for the brain – and the soul. Any coffee that costs less than $4 per cup is downright offensive. For our aspiring douches across the pond, Earl Grey is also acceptable. Also, remember: meat is murder. Need I say more?

• Meditate daily on the magnificence of your own existence and that it was formed from nothingness and chaos. Soothe and pacify your errant original thoughts through daily meditation. Be sure to reflect on the curiousness that is your navel in the true style of DalaiLamaGhandiDavidLynchBuddhaDrPhil .Repeat this mantra until your mind is quieted: ad nauseam, ad nauseam, ad nauseam.

• If you don’t have one, purchase a thesaurus, or utilise any available – either online or Microsoft Word. Make sure before you engage in philosophical discussions, to thoroughly analyse and formulate your opinions, picking out any simplistic or crude verbiage. A thesaurus (along with your already vast knowledge of what Hawking, Darwin, Aristotle, Plato, and Ron Paul has to say) is your most important tool in intellectually blowing the minds of your soon-to-be followers.

• In a discussion, whether in person or online, choose the elite few that have adhered to these rules and become their yes man. Agree with everything they have to say. Come to their defence when attacked. Hone that relationship and mold it into your very own circle jerk.

• Look down your nose at everyone. Lift your head up high and gaze with eyes half-closed down at the peons who dare to think their intellect could even begin to compete with yours.

• Finally, have some self-respect. That good for nothing job of yours is getting you nowhere. They aren’t utilising your skills at that desk job. And management is too remedial to realise that you are brilliant. Quit that job and ride your bike over to the nearest Starbucks and apply. Surely there you will be recognised by the working stiffs for your intellect, as you make their morning venti, bold, half-caff with cinnamon dolce and room for cream. Stimulate them, not just with their morning brew, but with your mind. There is no greater calling.

What Does That Euphemism Really Mean? #3

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

Conjugal Visit: A tutoring session for grammar, specifically verbs.

Oooooh yeah! Look at them freaky nasty verbs gettin it on!

Supreme Sacrifice: When you have to give up pizza night to use the money for your kid’s school project.

Shoot Blanks: Tae Bo never worked for me anyway.

Taking A Dirt Nap: What that third union worker is doing over there under the shady tree.

Turn A Trick: I paid $35 for this hooker, I’m damn sure hittin’ it from the front and the back.

Well Hung: Descriptive of level paintings and other artwork.

Sniffing The Maple: At least that’s what your mom calls it.

Hand Over The Coals: No, seriously, hand ’em over. Fucking coal thief.

Hiring A Russian: It’s the in thing right now, they’re so economical.

Cloning The Mammoth: *Insert yo’ momma joke*

The Departed: Great god damned movie!

Talk To A Man About A “Horse”: What Kevin Smith had to do before filming Clerks 2.

Sleep Around: What bums do.

What Does That Euphemism Really Mean? #2

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

Oooh yeah. My favorite place to pack my meat!

Inventory Leakage: What happens when you have too much liquidity in assets.

Hankie Pankie: What happens after all Hank Williams Jr.’s rowdy friends come over.

It Fell Off The Back Of A Truck: Microsoft explanation for why so many XBOX 360’s stopped functioning just outside of their warranty period.

Kick The Bucket: Literal; who the fuck left that there?

Knocked Up: The result of astronauts fighting.

Lose Your Lunch: The all-too-often result of using the shared refrigerator at the office. Thieving puds!

Laid Off: Describes post-coital. For the kinky this sometimes involves ‘Pissed Off’.

Meat Packer: He who puts together a picnic lunch.

Powder Your Nose: Result of lacking care for your appearance after consumption of powdered doughnuts.

Put To Sleep: Brief review of WNF articles written by Andrew Hicks.  ;)

Six Feet Under: The location of Verne Troyer in relation to Shaq’s head.

What Does That Euphemism Really Mean?

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

A House Of Ill Repute. When visiting be sure to wear your blue dress, and bring cigars.

—

Adult Entertainment: The enjoyment parents get at watching their children suffer through life just like they did.

Asleep With Jesus: Literal; You should really keep track of your wife. And the Gardner.

Au Natural: What you get when you forget to put the cheese packet on your Stouffer’s Au Gratin Potatoes.

Bit The Big One: He won’t even return her phone calls.

Bought The Farm: Addicted to Facebook games.

Carnal Knowledge: Intimacy with a carnival worker.

Crossed Over To The Other Side: Fucking swing voters!

Disinformation: What you are reading right now.

Ethnic Cleansing: Equal-opportunity public showers.

Friendly Fire: The kind you camp near, or have a beer around.

Give Up The Ghost: A conversion to atheism.

Hide The Sausage: Literal; Usually it’s still in the refrigerator, just tucked in with the vegetables in the crisper.

House Of Ill Repute: The White House, post-Clinton.

9 Demons of the College House Party

By PAUL LAO and HIS UNFORTUNATE EXPERIENCES
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

"If you're white, lemme hear ya say 'HOAHH!'"

At its best, a party contains abundant drink, music, laughter, possibility, magic, literal fire, humor and conversation. But parties are more often destructive than constructive, and they’re like a storm — you can predict the time, the size and the location, but you can’t predict the severity until it’s too late. These are the nine demons of the college party:

1. The Host
You cannot have a parasite without a host. The Host is essentially the brood mother or party summoner. One thing The Host doesn’t have to be is the owner of the location. Simply, The Host is the walking green light that says, “Hey guys, it’s okay! Come over here, and we are going to fuck shit up!” And if The Host is renting the house or apartment, rest assured he doesn’t care about getting his deposit back. The deposit could be his life and that of one innocent person. It doesn’t matter — as soon as he has the keys, they’re both gone. To the party host, a deposit is just the cover charge for some good home demolition.

2. The Libation Peasants
In the old Warcraft game, you have these little peasants who collect resources for your army. They are the work horses who drive the campaign, much like the beer runners at a party. Often, these alcohol hunters will settle for the cheapest and least-passable sensory-dulling libation to pour down the mouths of babes. But, surprisingly, what they lack in beer sense, they make up for in the quality of their hard liquor and weed. Nothing’s quite as strange and glorious as the party combo of Johnny Walker Blue, Arab Diesel Kush and a 30-pack of Natty.

Inappropriate Candy Product Names

by WOO and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

• SweetSharts

• Senior Mo’Mints

• 3 Musky Skeeters

• Reese’s Peanut Butter D-Cups: “When you hunger for more than a handful!”

• Charleston Jew

• Razonets: “Sharper than ever!”

• Allmen Joy

• Jelly Beaners: “¡Son tan dulces!”

• Skattles

• ‎Reasonits: “Tofu coated in Kierkegaard”

• Bling Pops

• Mounds Deferens

• Sm’Whores

17 Promises

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

Jesus was totally going to come back in May, but he got stuck attending a wedding he’d forgotten to put in his Outlook calendar. (“Save the date, Jesus!”) So Our Lord has rescheduled his appearance — he’ll be back October 21st this time. I have less than three months to get myself rapture-ready, and I’m going to take it seriously.

I promise to:

• Not sweat the small stuff. Instead, I will obsess only about really BIG shit that has not yet happened.
• Stop comparing myself to skinny women under the age of 30. Instead, I will only compare myself to overweight women over the age of 50, which will lead to a healthier level of self-esteem.
• Spend more time with family, right up to the point where they become completely intolerable.
• Not let my ass become the size of a truck. The size of a bicycle is my limit.
• Not spend more than one hour a day on the Internet. Of course, I’m not much of a clock watcher, so that one is a bit of a crap shoot.
• Work with neglected children, namely my daughter.
• Stop sending my husband text messages while I am talking to him on the phone.
• Give up at least three clothing items whose year of origin was 1986-93.

WNF 101

You've found it! We're Not Funny, a comedy blog written by a group of writers, comedians and friends. We have nearly 300 original comedy posts here. To begin reading and enjoying, click the logo on the top of this page.

So you’re new to reading the WNF website? Or you want to revisit a favorite old  post? Here are a few quick ones to consider:

—

WNF Beers

Eight new parody beer labels from the WNF Macrobrewery.

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Catching Up With the Caught

“To Catch a Predator: Where Are They Now? Edition”

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12 Words Come Out of Closet

SOHO, NEW YORK — A dozen English language words, ranging from the commonly used “Under” and “Pitcher” to the more obscure “Catcher” and “Obscure,” stood onstage together at a press conference Monday to announce that they are gay.

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Klan Kalls It Kwits

With membership down, the KKK re-brands its image.

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Cleanup in Aisle 6

Ever view your trip through the supermarket checkout lane as your five minutes to perform for a captive audience of one?

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Paired Facebook Likes

When you click “like” on two different Facebook pages, Facebook runs an announcement on your friends’ newsfeeds, with those items listed as a pair. (EX. Andrew Hicks likes Obesity and Big Macs.”) These are some classic actual examples.

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My 5 Most Abused Forms of Alcohol

WNF co-founder and editor in chief Andrew Hicks, who spent a decade as a monster lush, looks back on his time spent with beer, wine, vodka, whiskey and tequila, in that order.

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Know Your WNFer

Get to know the founders and senior contributors of We’re Not Funny, some of whom are no longer with us. (By which we mean, they left the group. They’re not dead. That we know of.)

Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

• 

  Tell ya who Nancy Reagan DIDN'T "just say no" to -- Frank Sinatra. Bow chicka wow wow!

  If at first you don’t succeed, try something you don’t suck at.

• To thine own self be true, but lie to others so you look better.

• What goes up must defy physics, so catch that shit, exploit it, and sell it by the gram.

• That which does not kill us only proves it’s a pussy.

• Misery loves hostages.

• Those who see the glass as half-full are optimists. Those who see it as half-empty are alcoholics.

• Just say no way am I passing up free drugs.

• He who laughs last is retarded and didn’t get the joke.

• Rome wasn’t built in a day, because they didn’t have enough Africans and Jews.

• Silence now has less value than gold.

• If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back, they obviously didn’t hear about your new boyfriend.

Quick Text, Long Regret

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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The Quick Text app is great for sending frequently used phrases like, “Be home soon” and “Call you when I get off work.” But members of our writing staff have complained that Quick Text’s prewritten suggestions don’t suit their specific common texting needs. Now WNF has a plug-in upgrade package that is guaranteed to save you time at least twice per week. –AH

—

20 New Quick Text Phrases

1. Out of crack, please stop.
2. You forgot your panties.
3. Meet me where we killed that guy.
4. Bring your paycheck directly home.
5. You are NOT the father.
6. I really respect your opinion and independence as a woman.
7. Grandma says you used all her lotion again. Call me on Tuesday.
8. You were right, I’ve got AIDS.
9. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Lemme get that booty call.
10. Have you accepted Christ as your personal savior?
11. Can’t talk now, I’m watching the Star Wars Holiday Special.
12. I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up.
13. What a coincidence. Rutherford B. Hayes is MY favorite one-term president too!
14. What was your name again?
15. Just saw the blackest baby EVER!
16. You left the braunschweiger out on the counter again.
17. I simply pooped my pants, and he let me off with a warning. I’m telling you, it’s the male equivalent of cleavage.
18. I got 5 on it.
19. Herpes is the curable one, right?
20. Sorry, too busy to waste my time on your skanky ass.

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CONTRIBUTORS: J.Miz, James Draper, Andrew Hicks, Justin Olomon, Jeff Bailey, Woo, Angie Rosenberg

Route 69: Double Entendre Road Signs

by BUDDAH ESKEW

While out driving the other day, I saw a bunch of road signs that somehow all reminded me of my sex life. Half of these signs should hang above my side of the bed, and the other half should hang on Mrs. Buddah’s side of the bed.

Over Buddah’s side of the bed:
1. Dip
2. Falling Rocks
3. No U-Turns
4. Road Closed To Thru Traffic
5. Speed Bump
6. Handicapped Parking Only
7. Slow Children at Play
8. Mile Marker 69
9. Loose Gravel
10. Rough Grooved Surface

Over Mrs. Buddah’s side of the bed:
1. Road Narrows
2. Bridge Out Ahead
3. Wrong Way
4. Sharp Curve Ahead
5. No Parking At Any Time
6. Road Construction Next 5 Miles
7. Do Not Enter
8. Slippery When Wet
9. No Dumping Allowed
10. Parking in Rear

I acted out the Loose Gravel sign, and Mrs. Buddah was somehow turned off. Tonight I’m gonna work hard on obeying No Dumping Allowed.

3DSC, Day 14: Best song by a boy band or girl group

This pic stolen from Rofl Razzi.

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

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WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 14: FAVORITE SONG BY A BOY BAND OR GIRL GROUP

WOO
“I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys not only has a nice soft groove to move to, it also serves as reminder that “Y” can be used as a vowel sound. (“Tell me why-eeeeee.”)

ANNE GARDNER
I wasnt really allowed to listen to secular music growing up, so I missed a lot. I was, however, “down with the DC Talk.” I liked that song, “That Kinda Girl,” about the perfect Christian woman. I felt like the boys were singing it just for me. I was, after all, the picture of virtuousness… Virtuosity… Virtuously…. Virtuism… Fuck it… Whatever…

WOO
I used to listen to this Messikan rapper named T-Bone who did Christian hip-hop. Of course, I always listened to secular too. I was rather lucky, as my parents took a religious hiatus from the time I was 9 until I was 19. I got to enjoy my teen years without psychotic restrictions on things like music and clothing. However, my attempts to draw a pentagram on the basement floor were always thwarted before I could get the candles lit.

ANNE GARDNER
I used to sneak-listen to New Kids on the Block. I loved their song “Hangin’ Tough” and had a poster of a cat on my wall hanging by just one paw from a clothes line or something. It was my private rebellion against my parents. And, I had a secret crush on Donnie Walhberg. I didn’t find out until later that it was his brother Mark that gave me the really good vibrations. #funkybunch

ANDREW HICKS
“MMMBop” is still damn catchy, and I bet in the years since, the members of Hanson have grown up to be some very stunning, handsome women.

C.J. DODD
“Judas” by Lady Gaga. I technically consider her recordings to be a “band performance” because she has two sets of genitals.

ANNE GARDNER
I heard somewhere that Gaga’s shoulder horns are going to start backup singing on her next tour.

EMILY TOOPS
Too bad Enrique Iglesias doesn’t count as a group. “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)” is today’s answer to Frank Sinatra‘s “The Way You Look Tonight.”

Fun game: See how many of these haircuts you can spot during your next trip to Wal-Mart.

3DSC, Day 13: Song you naively put on a mix tape thinking it was a panty dropper

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

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WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 13: SONG YOU NAIVELY PUT ON A MIX TAPE THINKING IT WAS A PANTY DROPPER

Samwell: sexual chocolate consuming sexual chocolate.

J.MIZ
Guys: “Me So Horny,” 2 Live Crew will always work on me. End of story.

ANDY HUBER
“Thong Song” worked for me, but when I asked where she got her Coleman panties from, she told me the camping section at Wal-Mart. I also once put “Closer” by NIN on as foreplay, but the girl got mad when I misunderstood the chorus and brought out a labrador.

ANDREW HICKS
‎“I want this enormous dog to feel you from the inside.”

J.MIZ
I threw on “In the Butt” by Samwell cuz I wanted a guy to hit the backdoor, but that was before I knew his past history of being anally raped in prison. Shoulda known something was up when he disappeared into the shower, crying and comfort rocking for three hours.

ANDREW HICKS
I used to think “Gett Off” by Prince would have the magic effect on a lady, but it’s too much work to stop and think about those dumbass lyrics. “So Prince has a friend named Vanessa Bett? I’ve never heard of anyone with the last name Bett. I think he just needed a word to rhyme with wet. How fucking elementary. And I’m supposed to get turned on that Vanessa Bett had a fantasy about ‘a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside’? Is this ‘box’ as in ‘vagina’? Or an actual box with a mirror and tongue? Is the mirror there so the tongue can groom itself? Does the tongue lick the mirror and THAT’S sexy? Does the tongue have nostrils and is snorting coke off the mirror?” And at that point, I’m just like, “Okay, let me drive you home now.”

Parkquest

by ANDREW HICKS

For the past two years — during that six-month window where the Midwest is pleasant and habitable — I’ve been on a quest to find the best park to take my kids to. I have a 2 1/2-year-old girl and 10-month-old boy, and we’ve made the rounds. Here are the pros and cons of what we’ve found so far.

Douglas Park. Not pictured: Gay stuff.

BAPTIST CHURCH PLAYGROUND
PROS: Easy 10-minute walk from home; adjacent to high school athletic fields; my daughter Sarah is big enough to use all the play equipment; Sarah often has chances to play with one or two neighborhood kids her age or older.
CONS: Now that she’s been to bigger/better parks, Sarah gets bored with this one within 15 minutes; even the neighborhood parents who bring their own beer are douchebags; rubber tire shreds blanketing the ground always find their way into my kid’s diaper.

DOUGLAS PARK
PROS: Lots of trees and hills; frisbee golf course ensures you can take the kids out for a good time and buy yourself a recreational dimebag all in the same trip, if that’s your thing; there’s also a performance stage, which Sarah and I love to hang out on; right across the street from a plasma center, so you can teach your child early about inequality between classes in America.
CONS: After several visits, I started to notice men would pull into the parking lot by themselves, sit in their cars and wait for other men to pull into the parking lot by themselves, then they’d talk amongst themselves for a minute and caravan together out of the park. On one visit, a perv van pulled into the lot, opened its passenger side door and started blasting a Josh Groban dance mix. The music motivated three separate dudes to climb into the van, one by one. If George Michael visited Springfield, Illinois, you can bet he’d be hanging out the Douglas Park men’s room.

The Truth

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

• 

  Sharpton, perpetually frustrated by his lack of handjob-giving.

  Contrary to popular thought, scrambled eggs isn’t a sammich.

• Barbara Bush did not “invent” oatmeal.
• Al Sharpton never gave Al Gore a hand job, and Dick Gregory didn’t film it.
• There IS an “I” in “team.”
• Glenn Beck only wears biodegradable American-made cotton. That was picked by Eli Whitney himself.
• There was no World War II, and if there was, the Jews started it.
• Mexican people invented Taco Bell as an ongoing joke on white people.
• Gay people really just want to be black.
• Charlie Sheen is the new David Koresh.
• Children love rape. And porn.
• A government cannot shut down unless it is the Christian Sabbath.
• Earth girls are not easy.
• Did Elizabeth Taylor die? Whose pants am I wearing?
• Serial killers make the best clowns. And stew.
• Jesus was not a relocated-to-Florida Mexican.
• Ellen DeGeneres is fucking the hottest bitch alive, as we speak.
• NASCAR is OCD.
• E.T. was a retard, otherwise he would have invented a phone.
• There is no such thing as a Jedi.
• Larry King is fucking Hugh Hefner, as we speak.
• White people love disco.
• My mom is my dad, and my dad is my sister.
• Black men cannot jump, but they love honeydew.
• The last time I ate cake, it came from a urinal.
• George W. Bush was not a crook!
• While in office, President Obama needs to get sucked off by a chubby white girl.
• There is no Luke, and if there was, James Earl Jones wouldn’t be his father.

51 rejected rapper names

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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Not Buddah

Not to be outdone by Woo’s post “50 dance songs that are euphemisms for masturbation,” I have compiled a list of 51 rejected rapper names. These are coulda-been MC names for Buddah the rapper. Debut CD title with songlist to follow. A poll was conducted by Buddah’s crack staff (by that, I mean my staff is on crack) of homeless men, hookers, third-shift grocery store stockers, albino midgets, neighborhood cats and Al Gore. He invented the Internet, ya know.

—

51. Neosporin

52. Yobama

9. Vanilla Extract

43. Teriyaki Daddy

45. Gabe Vigoda

44. Booger Flicka

32. Bazooka Jo Jo

48. Busta Braids

12. Dicktabulous

33. $1.25

11. Pop-Tart

22. The Antichrist

23. Black Guy Pee

24. Tea Baggy

25. Chicken Gumbo

26. Chips-N-Salsa

27. Antacid

28. Cocoa Puff Daddy

29. Geritol

30. Sit-N-Spin

31. Cow Tippa

7.  Pall Mall

21. Butt Crustacious

50. Hevee Ekwipmint

50 dance songs whose titles double as euphemisms for masturbation

by WOO

1. Get It on the Floor – DMX
2. Rock the Bells – LL Cool J
3. U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
4. Party Starter – Will Smith
5. The Real Slim Shady – Eminem
6. Pump It – Black Eyed Peas
7. Crank That – Soulja Boy
8. Rock Your Body – Justin Timberlake
9. Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ – Michael Jackson
10. Breathe, Stretch, Shake – Mase
11. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It – Will Smith
12. Let’s Get It Started – Black Eyed Peas
13. Whoomp! There It Is – Tag Team
14. Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch feat. Loleatta Holloway
15. Get Ready For This – 2 Unlimited
16. Here Comes the Hotstepper – Ini Kamoze
17. C’mon ‘N Ride It (The Train) – Quad City DJs
18. I Like To Move It – Real 2 Real feat. The Mad Stuntman
19. Touch Me (All Night Long) – Cathy Dennis
20. Rhythm of the Night – Corona

WTF Facebook Friends

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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WTF Facebook Friend #1
Thank you, Father God, for all my blessings and being able to see my baby even though my baby mama was trippin. Don’t forget, FB peeps: Ladies Night tonight! All u sexy bitches get in with no cover if you show your titties! Happy fifth birthday, Brianna! Daddy loves you!

WTF Facebook Friend #2
I really need to lose weight. I need motivation!
[NOTE: Friend #2 is checked in at Golden Corral. Alone.]
“Biggest Loser” finale is on tonight! WOOHOO! Note to self: Don’t forget to pick up that sheet cake. Mmm, cake…

WTF Facebook Friend #3
I love my kids sooooo much! Today, my daughter brought home the cutest finger painting! Fuck these kids! All they do is fucking eat, scream and shit!
[NOTE: Friend #2 and her “boo” are currently checked in at Margaritaville.]
W00t! Tequila, bitches! FYI: Amanda’s recital is at 8 am tomorrow. Open seating. Hope u can make it!

WTF Facebook Friend #4
I’m so tired of my stepmom bitching at me for drinking all the orange juice! My name was on it, bitch! 420 = jointnificent! Can somebody drive me to anger management tonight? Why is it I can never hold on to a girlfriend for more than 3 months?

WTF Facebook Friend #5
Why did this happen again? How can you say that? I’m at a loss! Why? When? Where? Who’s responsible for this?!

WTF Facebook Friend #6
Did you see the forecast? o m g! WEATHER! omg omg omg! WEATHER!

3DSC, Day 12: Song you just like because of the video

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

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WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 12: SONG YOU JUST LIKE BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO

J.MIZ

When asked about being so close to a vicious, deadly creature, the snake said Britney was cool, but that song she did called "Lucky" was a piece of crap.

“Oh Baby Baby” and “I’m a Slave 4 U” by Miss Britney. Who says chicks can’t have school girl and snake fantasies?! And she danced her white girl booty off. I loved “Slave” on MTV and in the club, but neither got put on a J.Miz mix tape of any sort.

ANDREW HICKS
I put “Slave” on a mix CD. And I don’t think I would have paid attention to any Britney Spears song if not for the videos. Except “Toxic.” “Toxic” is pure pop genius.

J.MIZ
She’s sexy when she’s not banging K-Fed or batshit.

ANDREW HICKS
At first, I thought you meant when Britney’s not banging K-Fed or banging batshit.

J.MIZ
I’m pretty over “Thriller,” but that’s by far one of the best videos ever made ever ever.

ANDREW HICKS
I’m pretty over YouTube videos of flash mobs imitating the “Thriller” graveyard dance sequence.

J.MIZ
I like the pseudo-lesbianism of Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler in the Aerosmith “Crazy” video, but the meter of that song gets my goat. (What am I, 80 now? Gets my goat? WTF.) Not to hate on Aerosmith and get simultaneously jooked by Buddah, but that’s my least favorite song of theirs. The bitches be banging though.

3DSC, Day 11: Favorite song with accompanying dance

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

—

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 11: FAVORITE SONG WITH ACCOMPANYING DANCE (e.g. “The Twist,” “Humpty Dance,” “Teach Me How To Dougie”)

This guy has his name across the lenses of his sunglasses. That's a little absurd, if you ask us.

J.MIZ
I’m actually a good dancer, but I’m old now, so I dont practice the hip dances to nail it at the club anymore. Last summer, though, my cousin got married, and who knew that the trifecta of weed, Bud Light draft and a party dress would cause me to know every damn lick of Soulja Boy “Crank Dat“?

ANDREW HICKS
I confess major guilty fondness for “Mambo No. 5,” but I’m not aware of any particular dance being attached to it. There’s regular mambo, of course. But I’ve never heard of a dance utilizing the numbers 2, 3, 4, 5 or beyond.

J.MIZ
I love that “Down down, do your dance / Walk it by yourself, now walk by yourself” by Cupid. I feel so G-fab cuz I totally can follow orders barked at me by a silky-smooth brown-skinned brotha. White people have line dancing… FAIL.

TRACY SAINDON
They played “Cupid Shuffle” at a mother/son dance I went to. The one black mom and I were the only ones dancing.

SARACAKES
I have to admit I can’t do the Electric Slide to save my life, but I love to pretend that it’s the first time I’m learning the dance every time I’m at a wedding reception.

J.MIZ
We gots to up your dance game. You white girls need some serious dance lessons, at least for weddings. Funny thing is, at weddings, my mom and I play a game called Dance Off-Beat because it’s so hard for us. And I didn’t have a lesson past age 7. I need to empower my bitches!

3DSC, Day 7: Song you love by an artist you hate

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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Rupert Holmes: Not much into yoga.

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 7: SONG YOU LOVE BY AN ARTIST YOU HATE

RYAN KRAUSE
Rupert Holmes with “Escape (The Pina Colada Song).”

ANDREW HICKS
Krause, that’s the only song Rupert Holmes ever put out. Rupert Holmes IS “Escape.” It’s like, “I hate cash, but I love dollar bills.”

RYAN KRAUSE
He really only had one song and one song only?

ANDREW HICKS
As far as history is concerned, yes.

RYAN KRAUSE
Then he is the greatest artist EVER.

3DSC, Day 5: Favorite commercial jingle

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 5: FAVORITE COMMERCIAL JINGLE

^ Exists.

RYAN KRAUSE
“Big or small
Short or tall
Gay or straight
You can find it all at Overweight Date.”

That’s right, http://www.overweightdate.com.

J.MIZ
OMG! Ryan needs pussy if he’s chubby-chasing. Poor guy. Fuck… And that’s now my fav jingle as well.

RYAN KRAUSE
I heard it on AOL Radio while listening to the metal station.

SARA J ROSE
Always did like the Kit Kat jingle… “Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that…”

JAMES DRAPER
“Pow-Pow Power Wheels!” The “588-2300-Empire” jingle from broadcasts of Cubs games. Jim Gaffigan built his whole career from the Hot Pockets song.

BUDDAH ESKEW
FreeCreditReport.com band is awesome… “I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner…” The Chili’s baby back ribs song is catchy too… Too many to choose from… Damn you, Hicks!

MICHELLE DEE
I used to like “My Buddy” when I was younger, but now I’m older, I know what stalking is, and I’ve seen Child’s Play. So now it’s just creepy.

J.MIZ
I hate one. Sounds horrible, but the Stand Up To Cancer theme song. It’s like some halfwit, special-ed, B-list, meh-type, wannabe “We Are the World” / “Do They Know It’s Christmas” shit, bad attempt at gaining some cancer-based solidarity. Like fuck, you couldn’t even have gotten the “She Bangs” guy from Idol or any pseudo-singer to stand their ass up for cancer? And what if they have cancer and can’t stand up? Racists!

3DSC, Day 3: Favorite song recorded by an actor

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 3: FAVORITE SONG RECORDED BY AN ACTOR/ACTRESS

Mr. T and The Mothers

J.MIZ
Any time I catch Mr. T‘s “Treat Your Mother Right,” time stands still, my jaw goes slack, and I stop breathing due to its awesomeness.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’d like to nominate Marilyn Monroe‘s rendition of the birthday song for John F. Kennedy. JFK could pull some serious tail… That’s why I still say Jackie O had him killed.

J.MIZ
Anything by Juliette and The Licks! I got somethin’ she can lick! But seriously, she’s badass.

C.J. DODD
“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Miley Cyrus on her Breakout album, Platinum Edition. Don’t fucking judge me.

J.MIZ
On the down low — I get “She’s Like the Wind” stuck in my head like two times a year. I’m never sure if that makes me wanna slit my wrists or don a tutu.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Hmmm… that’s dangerously close to being a Patrick Swayze joke. The last thing we want to do is put people off of watching Dirty Dancing the next time it comes on Oxygen. Though, now that I think about it, Swayze probably wouldn’t mind being on oxygen right now.

3DSC, Day 2: Least favorite patriotic anthem

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 2: LEAST FAVORITE PATRIOTIC ANTHEM

SAAD AHMED
The ones from other countries.

J.MIZ
I hate them all. Every American anthem sounds like fucking Pilgrim rubbish or a fucking Ford commercial. Canada had the right idea: gank somebody else’s song and toss some new words on it. We ain’t gots times fo’ dis booshit!

C.J. DODD
Whichever one Christina Aguilera fucked up.

MICHELLE DEE
“God Bless the USA,” by everyone and anyone who had a slight amount of talent after 9/11. Especially the American Idol fucks.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
That song is a blast at karaoke. You cannot go too far over the top with it.

ANDREW HICKS
Narrowly escaped with my life in a hillbilly bar in 2003 after changing the lyrics to “God Bless Saddam Hussein.”

Soviet WWF wrestler Nikolai Volkoff, in his trademark black hat and red women's underwear.

___-Harmony

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

ANDREW HICKS
Online dating site for thugs: G-HARMONY.
…for last-ditch desperation: PLEA-HARMONY.
…for homosexual TV fanatics: GLEE-HARMONY
…for the mentally challenged: REE-REE-HARMONY.
…for little people: WEE-HARMONY.

WOO
Online dating site for itchy bitches: FLEA-HARMONY.
…for my flower pollinators out there: BEE-HARMONY.
…for middle-aged men looking for showpiece wives: TROPHY-HARMONY.
…for Will Smith fans: JIGGY-HARMONY.
…for hot-tubbers: JACUZZI-HARMONY.

J.MIZ
Online dating site for swingers: KEY-HARMONY.
…sponsored by NAMBLA: PRE-HARMONY.
…for “social” cocaine users: SKI-HARMONY.
…for dumb racist americans: TEA-HARMONY.
…for people with OCD: 1-2-3-HARMONY.

ANDREW HICKS
Online dating site for fellatio performance artists: KNEE-HARMONY.
…for extraterrestrial invaders: V-HARMONY.
…for French midget Nintendo lovers: OUI-WEE-WII-HARMONY.
…for the Greatest Of All Time: ALI-HARMONY.
…for Arbor Day enthusiasts: TREE-HARMONY.

WOO
Online dating site for skinheads: NAZI-HARMONY.
…‎867-5309.com: JENNY-HARMONY.
…for those who head out to the front porch with their boomboxes and St. Ides: 40-HARMONY.
…for the homies feelin’ Thuggish Ruggish: BONE THUGS AND HARMONY-HARMONY.
…for people who like to be absolutely sure… for people who like to be absolutely sure: REDUNDANCY-HARMONY.

J.MIZ
Online dating site that’s a real trip: LSD-HARMONY.
…where all your wishes will come true: GENIE-HARMONY.
…for cheese lovers: BRIE-HARMONY.
…for salad tossers: SYRUP OR JELLY-HARMONY.
…for HEY LOOK, A SQUIRREL! Wait, what?? ADD-HARMONY.

Valentine’s Quickies With Buddah

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

For the lovers and just plain masturbators out there, this is my bouquet of twisted Valentine tips:

• Introduce your white girlfriend to your black girlfriend and serenade them with a sexy version of “Ebony and Ivory.”

• Guys, write her a romantic poem: “Through all the things that came to pass / Our love has grown / And so has your ass.” Um, Hallmark cards are also an affordable way to tell her how much you love her.

• Give her a box of chocolates. Tip: if you make it dark chocolate, you can celebrate two Valentine’s Day and Black History Month simultaneously.

• Stop after work and pick up some flowers. Most cemeteries are open until sundown. To save even more money, skip buying a vase and have lady hold legs in air and insert flowers directly into vagina.

• Duct tape. Because silence is golden. Although showers can be golden, too.