Facebook Statuses From ’80s TV Characters

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Whatever you think is happening, it's all a misunderstanding. -Jack Tripper, Three's Company

You’re goddamn right I did that!
–Steve Urkel, Family Matters

I have black friends.
-Ricky Stratton, Silver Spoons

Fucking Charo! AGAIN!!
-Captain Stubing, The Love Boat

I wish I had boobs ):
-Punky Brewster

Yes, let’s have two grown single men and a Canadian with a puppet explain menstruating to me and my sisters. If you will excuse me, I am going to ask the bag lady down the street what to do with these tampons. FML!
-D.J. Tanner, Full House

I (heart) sheep. Like REALLY (heart) sheep.
-Balki, Perfect Strangers

Keep making fun of my accent. Hope you enjoy pubic-hair soup, dicks!
-Mr. Belvedere

Soon, the revolution will begin…
-Benson

We’re all out of grits, bitch!
-Alice

I banged Winnie!
-Kevin Arnold, The Wonder Years

I watched Kevin bang Winnie!
-Paul Pfeiffer, The Wonder Years

I’m having an awesome bang day!
-Blair, The Facts of Life

Sam Malone is in a relationship with Diane Chambers and “it’s complicated.”

I. AM. A. ROBOT. NOT. AUTISTIC. YOU. FUCKING. ASSHOLES.
-Vickie, Small Wonder

I LOVE PUSSY! HA!
-Alf

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Willis, Diff’rent Strokes

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Animal, The Muppet Show

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Mork, Mork and Mindy

I’m calling immigration.
-Mindy, Mork and Mindy

Norm Peterson checked in at TGIFridays. just now

Mmm hmm, honey. Mmm hmm.
-Any castmember from 227

Why doesn’t anyone else notice my two older sisters are half-white? When will the lies stop? FML!
-Theo Huxtable, The Cosby Show

If they only knew why I wore rainbow suspenders…
-Rerun, What’s Happening!

If they only knew why I wore rainbow suspenders…
-Mork, Mork and Mindy

Is anyone else creeped out that my old-ass parents had a new kid?! Me and Alex could be his parents!
-Mallory Keaton, Family Ties

Legalize it!
-Alex P. Keaton, Family Ties

I hate it when a plan goes spectacularly tits-up. Posted from Cook County Penitentiary
-John “Hannibal” Smith, The A-Team

Joanie Cunningham changed her relationship status from “married” to “divorced.”

Chachi Arcola changed his relationship status from “married” to “widowed.”

Bitches be trippin’!
-Blake Carrington, Dynasty

They don’t call me Boner for nothing!
-Boner, Growing Pains

Homey DOES play that Farmville.
-Homey the Clown, In Living Color

We’ve gotta get a second bathroom.
-Nicole, My Two Dads

My favorite people: Samantuh, Monuh, Eangeluh.
-Tony, Who’s the Boss

Yes, cracka, my middle name is Wayne too.
-Dwayne Wayne, A Different World

Banged Joan. Banged Natasha. Banged Chrissy. Banged Margie. Banged Cynthia. All before breakfast.
-Dan Fielding, Night Court

Banged Chrissy. Banged Cynthia. Banged Natasha. Banged Joan. Banged Margie. All before lunch.
-Sam Malone, Cheers

I pity too many fools. When is it my turn to be pitied? How many chains do I have to put on before my pain is noticed?
-Mr. T, The A-Team

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CONCEIVED BY: J.Miz
EDITED BY: Andrew Hicks
ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Benjamin Bennington, Eric Dohman, Tony Fyler

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 18

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

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J.Miz: Making the seatbelt look sexy since 2011.

• I want my new nickname to be SAUCE! S’up SAUCE? How you livin SAUCE?! You’re looking hot SAUCE!!!!

• Our three cats keep sitting in triangle formation. What’s weirder , them lining up like that or the centaur that always appears in the middle?

• What if it turns out 12/21/12 is actually the day Maya Angelou is supposed to die? Oprah will be PISSED!

• The saying goes, “The best things in life are free.” But so are the worst. Like AIDS.

• I think I was just asked out on a blind date online. But the email was in Braille, so I’m not sure.

• The best thing about bipolar disorder is realizing you don’t need those meds anymore. Because you are FUCKING AWESOME!

• When somebody tells me they suck at life, to the point of several suicide attempts, I feel so bad. That they suck at suicide too.

• I am now at the age where I grunt anytime I have to bend over, not just during sex.

• Some women think they’re cut out for motherhood, but in reality they barely pull off mother trailer park.

• Have you ever heard tribal drums only to realize it’s your ceiling fan? #Reasons INeverTriedAcid

• Thanks to my Advanced Task Manager, I can KILL the Messenger whenever I fucking feel like it!

• I once had an affair with my boss. That was a totally awkward situation. For a family business.

• White chocolate has always irked me. Not only is it gross, it’s kinda racist. Regular chocolate doesn’t remind people it’s brown.

• The upside to being back in the dating game is that I no longer feel that terrible emptiness. In my vagina.

• I think it’s funny when fat people jokingly call themselves fat, so I tell them they’re funny. But I don’t say they’re not fat.

• Just ONCE, during sex, I’d like to be told, “Don’t make me turn this thing around!” And then totally make him.

• I’ve always said that one day I would adopt. I want to show a child that I am capable of great love. Not just kidnapping.

• I lick my phone off to clean it. Don’t get any bright ideas, dirty penises of the world.

• To show support of my boyfriend’s busy career and still being able to spend time together, I’ve been going over to his place. To buy my drugs.

• A slight tweak has my boyfriend and I enjoying simultaneous orgasms. The trick is to totally sync up our cheating.

• The fact that men fake orgasms shouldn’t be surprising. They fake love and monogamy all the time.

• I like my men cocky and my ladies perky.

• Vacuuming is my favorite household chore. I prefer my house pets on the verge of a coronary. They’re cuter like that.

• I’m so hungry I could eat my twin.

• I’ll I’ve had to eat today is candy and bread. I feel like a pigeon.

• My phone treats me like it doesn’t know me. It can always predict me typing YouTube, but never foresees “pussy,” “cunt” or “fuck.”

• If it weren’t for nightmares and the excessive amount of premature stock I place on brand new relationships, I’d NEVER have dreams.

• Toolbar: Any athletics themed, suburban tavern that has a DJ.

• If I rolled around with a jacked, strong, well oiled man for 10 minutes, I’D HAVE to fuck somebody. That’s just logic.

• Thank God you can’t get keyboards pregnant, or I’d have kids ALL OVER the Internet.

• I wonder how many people’s lives have been ruined by the fucks on Yahoo! Answers.

• Men are enigmas, puzzles of sorts. I always pick the complicated ones, with thousands of pieces. And one piece is inevitably missing.

• I have a cheapie lighter that makes me feel like a crack head. I have to keep lighting and lighting and lighting it. Under this foil.

• I love iTunes. It knows all my favourite songs.

• I texted my boyfriend to ask him if he was ignoring me. He didn’t get back to me.

• I’ve decided that I am not going to date anyone SERIOUSLY any time soon. Why start now?!

Stanhope Gets Troy Holmed

by ANDREW J HICKS

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This guy stole Doug Stanhope's routines verbatim. All we did was steal this doctored photo from Facebook.

My night’s entertainment has come courtesy of first-rate comedian Doug Stanhope and some sixth-rate dude named Troy Holm. Each one, apparently, wrote the following bit:

i’m going to tell you how to win the war on drugs. the way you have to do it is to attack the source. the source of the drug problem. it’s not the growers or the suppliers. it’s the people that are responsible for making life so absolutely boring, and dull, and predictable, that you rather put toxins in your system to get away from that! whoever that is responsible for T.G.I.Friday’s, and Ashton Kutcher, and Last Comic Standing, and PT Cruisers, and 8 Simple Rules For Raping My Teenage Daugher (or whatever it was called), and Vin Diesel, and whoever made life so fuckin’ dull that you’re working for 5 to enjoy 2.

Stanhope has performed this bit in front of many (probably hundreds of) audiences. Troy Holm is a balding fireman who used to write a blog called Examining My Dance Pattern. Troy’s favorite topics of discussion — picking up beautiful ladies, lying to beautiful ladies so he can have sex with them, getting drunk and working as a fireman. It was a pedestrian little Tucker Max-lite blog.

Every now and then, Troy Holm would spice things up by posting entire Stanhope routines, transcribed word for word, while never acknowledging Stanhope as the source. Don’t you remember the rules? High school English? It’s okay to use someone’s words if you tell us you used them. Pretend those words are yours, and all lit geek/indie comic hell can break loose.

It’s semi-fascinating to look at the comments section for Troy Holm’s “Working Hard/Prison/Drug War” post, which has been up since July 15, 2010. On July 16, one woman commented on the blog post. On July 18, Troy Holm left a single reply comment, acting as if the words in the post were all his. Then the post sat idle for 18 months. Suddenly, commenters (825 so far) began to explode with scarlet-letter rage and indignation. Troy, they’ve said, is a “plagiarizing shitstain,” “unoriginal twat” and “talentless turd.” (One of my favorites: “I bet you say shit in ‘Borat voice’ at parties too.”)

Troy Holm’s Facebook profile pics have also suddenly become riddled with venomous words from Stanhope fans. Troy has a receding hairline, so read the comments and you’ll see 100 bald insults that are damn near the same joke. (Guys writing unoriginal, hacky bald jokes to insult a dude who got caught stealing words from a famous person? It’s an Inception-level mindfuck!)

Best of all, Stanhope’s army of followers was tipped off to Troy Holm’s existence by Stanhope himself. Stanhope left at least one comment on Troy’s Facebook profile (“I Know What You Did Last Summer”) and shared a link to Occupy Troy Holm, a Facebook fan page that picked up 850 likes its first hour. Spend 10 minutes hitting Pg Dn every four seconds, and you’ll find some good roast-type jokes — mostly in the C- to B+ range — at Troy Holm’s expense.

Whether Troy’s blog or Facebook profile will still be active by the time you read this, it’ll be interesting to see how much more cyberabuse this man takes and how far up the media ladder this story will get before it quickly fades. But remember, kids, no one likes a plagiarist. But if you must plagiarize, please plagiarize someone more obscure than Doug Stanhope.