Posts tagged ‘Jehovah’s Witness’

June 8, 2011

Prince’s Birthday Itinerary

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

1 pm - Play symbol-shaped guitar in field of blue fiber optic wires and purple posies while a sheep looks on.

The Purple One turned 51 yesterday, and it was a special birthday for the little man. We know it was special because WNF operatives managed to get ahold of his symbol-shaped day planner. Here’s how Prince planned to spend his birthday time:


5 am
– Get woken up by alarm clock that blurts out “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.”

5:30 am – Eat bowl of Cap’n Crunch with soy milk.

6 am – Open blinds, check to see if sky is all purple and people are running everywhere.

6:30-8 am – Do Pilates while listening to 90-minute version of “Batdance.”

8:15 am – Finally shave off that eighth grade mustache.

9 am – Walk door to door asking neighbors if they’re ready for Jehovah’s return.

10 am – Call Rebecca Black. Ask her if she’s interested in collaborating on a song about Hump Day. When she excitedly says yes, laugh loudly, scream “No way, bitch!” and hang up.

10:15 am – Grab aloe vera tissue, gently wipe away tears from eyes of pet dove.

10:30 am – Go online and see if there are any sweet new axes on PhallicGuitars.com.

11 am – Open package in the mail, roll eyes when it turns out to be a strawberry beret. Realize your friends don’t know you at all.

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May 14, 2011

The Day After ‘Judgment Day’

"And what a lovely singing voice you must have..."

by MICHELLE DEE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

I have seen a lot of hoopla about Judgment Day approaching on 5/21, and it got me thinking, What would happen if all the world’s true believers disappeared on this day? Lucky for me, I’d be around to see it!

Everyone knows I’d miss the Rapture, but there’d be some surprise heathens in my midst — President Obama and the entire on-air team at Fox News. I’m pretty sure Obama is a closeted atheist, because what Christian fights for the right of those with no religion? And the Fox News team pretends to be extreme right-wing, but it’s an obviously an act for ratings.  They would be left behind in the Judgment Day disappearances, but their viewership would vanish from existence.

The only “crazy conservatives” in the public eye who truly believe the diarrhea coming out of their mouths are Fred “God Hates Everyone But Us” Phelps and his family. They would be taken in the 5/21 Rapture. Sure, they rub many of us the wrong way, but they are true overachievers for Jesus.

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