Announcing Ertel Gray’s 500th Facebook Friend Contest Winner

G.I. Joe's Destro, off to refinance his home.

by ANDREW HICKS and ERTEL GRAY

Last week, we announced our first We’re Not Funny contest — Be Ertel Gray’s 500th Facebook Friend. Which inspired 53 friend requests and 253 people asking themselves the question, “Who the freak is Ertel Gray?”

While we still can’t answer that specific query, we can tell you Ertel took this contest very seriously, putting together a grand-prize package said at press time to include a crayon drawing (“really cheesy, think third-grade art project”) of Ertel and his new friend, a bobblehead of Destro from G.I. Joe, and a copy of the SyFy original movie Revenge of the Rats.

“It’s a horrible movie, and I have a HUGE fear of rats/mice,” remarks Ertel, “so giving away Revenge of the Rats will be a double blessing.”

This prize package will be sent via postal service to the lucky winner, whose name is…

Before I announce the winner, I’d like to mention that Ertel received requests from strangers, friends of friends and people from Ertel’s hometown. Ertel decided not to consider anyone who lived close to home, because, a) Who wants to mail a package around the block? and b) “Every time I’d run into them, there’d be that awkward pause, followed by, ‘Hey, remember that time…?’ ‘YES, I REMEMBER, GOD DAMMIT!'”

The winning entrant in this contest is…

CONTEST: Be Ertel Gray’s 500th Facebook Friend!

When Ertel Gray accepts a bitch's friend request, bitch betta show some gratitude!

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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Recently, while browsing the cornucopia of addictive wonders known as Facebook, I noticed that I was at 499 friends. I thought to myself, Ertel, ol’ bean, this is your special opportunity to, a) meet a new friend and, b) do something nice for that new friend.

Then I thought, Wait a minute, Bean, you can’t just let anyone receive this honor. Let’s make this into a contest.

And why not? I’m a great Facebook friend: I write funny statuses, I post links and I’m a Gen X pop-culture demon. And here’s what I don’t do: Send you meaningless event notifications every single day or clog up your wall with Farmville and Angry Birds crap. Plus, I’m willing to bet you do not already have a friend named Ertel. Everyone needs an Ertel.

So how do you enter the contest? Simple: send me a friend request. Make sure to temporarily unblock your privacy settings so I can really poke around and get a sense of who you are. Do you like a certain sports team? Do you have too many pets? Is your stepdaughter butt-ass ugly? I want to know before I commit to you.

For extra special consideration, inbox me a message of 50 words or less stating why you should be Ertel Gray’s 500th Facebook friend. Excerpts will be published in our results post next week. Who knows, maybe if you don’t win, we’ll still end up being pen pals.

Think this is all a mental-masturbatory waste of time? You won’t if you win. The grand prize package is absolutely, seriously for real. I’m working on it right now. Here are some highlights:

––A Xeroxed picture AND iron-on decal of the Wilford Brimley “Diabeetus” stencil.
–A full-body photo of me, cut out and pasted on cardboard to make a mini Ertel, complete with comic-book dialogue bubbles of my most freqently said things.
–An unpopped bag of Pop Secret Movie Theater popcorn, so you can watch a movie with the “virtual” me.
–A really cheesy (think 3rd grade art project ) crayon drawing of me and my new 500th friend.

And that’s just the beginning. I have an entire week to jam the prize pack full of nonvaluable goodies. These prizes will be mailed to the winner. Trust me, you’ll get some really cool swag!

I should note, contributors to We’re Not Funny are ineligible in this contest, lest the casual reader think it rigged. Also ineligible — all members of the band Kansas, past and present. Sorry, Kansas, you put out an album called Point of Know Return. I know you were trying to be clever, but come on. That’s just bad grammar, man.

So, cast your name into the hat, the empty Sam’s Club mayonnaise jar or waistband of your nearest stripper’s G-string, and do something I guarantee will be a LOT more fun than some stupid Facebook “Which ‘Sex And The City’ Character are you?” survey. (For the record, I’m “Samantha.”)

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[EDITOR’S NOTE: Contest ends at midnight, May 13th. View Ertel Gray’s Facebook profile here.]