Toy News

by JAMES DRAPER, TONY FYLER and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS

creatively conceived by JAMES DRAPER

THIS WEEK’S TOP NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE TOY WORLD

  • Fans shocked when Slinky comes out of closet totally straight
  • World Champion Memory player loses game somewhere in house
  • Panel of small children judges box “better than the toy” for 97th-straight year
  • GI Joe takes advantage of DADT repeal, says he’s now free to be himself on front lines
  • Mr. Potato Head’s parts stolen; crestfallen kids’ toy left with blank look on face
  • Weeble shot in ass, wobbles, falls down
  • Teddy Ruxpin confirms worst suspicions, slaughters family while singing happy songs
  • Big Wheel has tires chewed up by neighborhood dog, develops traction
  • Red Rider production line halted after child shoots eye out with BB gun
  • Legos Eggo’d
  • Slip ‘n Slide launches “Lay Down ‘n Nap” toy for elderly
  • Thomas the Tank: “I’ve always dealt with body image issues”
  • Care Bears stop participating in political process
  • Rock’em Sock’em Robots describe peace conference mood as “tense”
  • Mr. Monopoly indicted by grand jury for alleged Ponzi scheme involvement
  • Vintage Star Wars toys seek damages from George Lucas for creating crappy prequels, Ewoks
  • Barbie files for divorce, cites Ken “coming in a new box”
  • 3 arrested as Teddy Bears’ picnic raided by Homeland Security
  • Congress moves to adopt Yahtzee economic rebuilding plan; Boehner: “Four in a row plus Chance is a powerful combination”
  • Transformer fails emissions test, cannot renew license
  • Doctor says Papa Smurf suffered “world’s biggest case of blue balls”
  • Post-surgery Fuzzy Wuzzy: No longer a bear, now a queen

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTOR: Scotty Harris

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