Posts tagged ‘Ryan Krause’

August 23, 2011

Know Your WNFer

by ANDREW HICKS

Image by Eric Dohman.

We’re closing in on our 250th post, with 9+ months of near-daily fresh comedy under our collective belt. And now we finally own WereNotFunny.com, for at least the next year or two. So what better time to acquaint yourself with the WNF Crew? In-depth individual profiles and a multipart Ken Burns PBS documentary to follow.

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WE’RE NOT FUNNY STAFF LIST

ANDREW HICKS — Editor-in-Chief/Co-Founder

It’s not so weird that I’m writing about myself right now. I’ve been writing about myself online in one form or another since 1995. I blogged the Year in the Life of a Nerd journals before the term “blogger” existed. Then I went and got drunk for like 10 years. Then I went and met my beautiful wife and had a couple beautiful kids. Got sober, started writing again and, for the first time, got myself an ensemble of Midwest comics, essayists and regular old bantering friends and friends of friends. Started organizing and editing our various words and ideas into blog posts.

REQUIRED READING: Love Letter to Phil Collins

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T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER — Associate Editor/Co-Founder

T. Allan, to quote the Wu Tang Clan, is “the Osiris of this shit.” No sooner had I said, “I wonder if we could get some people together and start a site where we post daily solo pieces or group conversation highlightsor whatever the F we want,” than TAC set about getting a site up and running, for us to play around with. T. Allan is an active administrative and creative presence in our Facebook material-gathering groups, he takes care of a post or two a week for me, and every now and then we get him to write us a full solo piece, when he’s not busy working on this blog or this blog. As an aside, T. Allan Christopher has formerly written under the pseudonym Woo.

REQUIRED READING: Haiku News

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J.MIZ — Creative Coordinator/Co-Founder

I’d been on Facebook for about two months when I noticed J.Miz leaving astoundingly funny top-of-her-head comments on a mutual friend’s statuses. I sent her a friend request, we started bantering, and immediately there was a symbiosis of humor, mischievous fun and shared cultural references. Facebook got five times more entertaining when I met J.Miz. Once Woo, J.Miz and I got together, the comic chemistry was intense and immediate. Keep in mind, J.Miz had never considered writing comedy or really thought she was funny. Now she constructs and spits out jokes like a one-woman one-liner factory on Twitter. She’s given our writing group all kinds of concepts and premises to work from, and she’s helped me out of more than one creative jam. J.Miz has also brought WNF a healthy handful of like-minded contributors, and she’s proven effective at squeezing solo pieces out of existing contributors.

REQUIRED READING: WTF Facebook Friends

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TONY FYLER — Twitter Editor/Senior Contributor

Fyler is a fiercely intelligent, incisively witty writer from Great Britain or Wales or Ireland or something. His areas of interest include politics, theology (particularly, lack of) and the occasional off-the-wall food, sex or miscellaneous sociological joke. Oh, and he also fronted the money for our WereNotFunny.com domain, after I procrastinated and made excuses about being broke. Fyler’s not getting a penny of that $19 back, either.

REQUIRED READING: Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

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MICHELLE DEE — Facebook Fan Page Editor/Senior Contributor

Mrs. Woo has been around since the beginning and has possibly posted more WNF links to Facebook than anyone on this list. Around 28 percent of times the “share” button is clicked on Facebook, Michelle Dee is the culprit. Michelle recruited WNF staple contributors Fyler, Allison Stein and Eve Ventrella. She also runs our Facebook fan page, so next time you see the word “afraid” spelled with two F’s in your news feed, address your letter of complaint to Michelle Dee. Who will write you back within three business days with the one-word response, “Haytchoo” and an ASCII-text middle finger.

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Required Reading: Possession 101

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ERIC DOHMAN — Senior Contributor

Dohman distinguished himself in the WNF group immediately upon being discovered and added by J.Miz. Not everyone knows how to take Eric, and others think he traffics too heavily in dick and poop jokes. To me, Dohman is a solid, insightful, even innovative comic voice on most every topic he touches. High brow, medium brow, low brow and lower brow. Dohman also has graphic skills and has come through with the (still too few) image assignments we’ve given him. “But Andrew,” you say, “I thought you steal all your art straight from Google Image.” Well, that’s mostly true, but we’re gonna lean on Dohman more and more heavily in the very near future. He just doesn’t know it yet.

REQUIRED READING: Santorum Shit Bags

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ANNE GARDNER — Senior Contributor

Anne is a lady whose path I crossed briefly at the age of 18 and reunited with thanks to the magic of Facebook. She’d leave a sarcastic comment here or there on my statuses, and when WNF came into being, I invited her into the group. A.G. has maintained a presence ever since, contributing one-liners to group pieces and writing her own solo articles. And she has an infant at home and everything.

REQUIRED READING: Facebook-Baked Glee

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ERTEL GRAY — Senior Contributor

I found Ertel via Facebook one day while bored and searching for an old Dana Carvey SNL sketch called “Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual.” Ertel had posted the video on his wall at some point. I friended him on the basis of that alone, but I had no idea how completely and instantaneously Ertel would fit in with the WNF Crew. Funny dude, Ertel Gray, and I think he knows even more obscure ’80s and ’90s pop culture than even I do.

REQUIRED READING: Reg Strikes Back

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PAUL LAO — Senior Contributor

Paul lives in California, so we almost always publish whatever he sends us.

REQUIRED READING: 9 Demons of the College House Party

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There are a dozen other current contributors I rely on for material. Many of them are Illinois comedians — Andrew Cline, C.J. Dodd, James Draper, Scotty Harris, Ryan Krause, Probably Matt Linville, K.B. Marion, Drift Roberts, Saracakes (who also spent many hours legitimizing WNF’s Twitter feed) and Emily Toops. Another, Lola Tucker, joined our ranks after reading and enjoying the WNF blog.

Two others — Buddah Eskew and Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter — are no longer writing for We’re Not Funny but have some great stuff scattered throughout our archives. I also want to thank Saracakes for her many hours of work editing and posting to our Twitter feed.

I want to thank everyone mentioned above for loaning us some of their time and creativity. And thank YOU for reading.

July 8, 2011

Inappropriate Restaurant Music

by RYAN KRAUSE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ

Riots break out at KFC during Tuesday Two-Play day on Sirius XM's Michael Bolton Radio channel.

I’ve worked in restaurants for more than six years now, and as a music junkie I’ve always paid close attention to the music played in the dining room for the customers. I believe the music played in a restaurant is a vital component to creating a good mood in customers. Restaurants should play fun, upbeat, popular music that is considered to be tolerable by all people. These playlists are corporately compiled to be played in restaurant dining rooms, yet they frequently play the most bland, depressing, out-of-place, truly fucking shitty music that does NOT set the mood for fun.

Exhibit A for my argument: Tom Petty. You would think, Oh, a nice, light rockin’ Petty song would be good for a restaurant. My only question is, why the fuck would you play “The Waiting (Is the Hardest Part)” in a restaurant where food takes forever? You’re already pissed off, then you hear a song that reminds you of how waiting too long to fill your stomach with delicious food sucks ass. Then, after a shitty meal you hear multitracked voices chanting, “HEY! Don’t come around here no more!” You know these customers are thinking, That’s a great idea. I’m fucking NOT coming around here no more!

Another song that has royally pissed me off is Chris Rice’s “Lemonade.” Now, I listen to modern rap, and those ballers aren’t half as pompous as Chris Rice. His song is nothing but boasting how life handed him lemonade, instead of lemons from which to make lemonade. Which means his life has been easy as shit because he is a trust-fund baby. He is, and always will be, rich and “happy.” He will never have to work, or MAKE LEMONADE FROM LEMONS like the rest of us.

By the way, Chris Rice, your lyric, “Thanks for the happy ending,” is a punch in the face to all those average human beings who just waited 45 minutes for their hot-wing appetizers to come out. They already endured all that Tom Petty. Now, when they leave, they hear a song about a guy who is having the best life anyone has ever had ever! Whoever picked this song to be played during dining hours at a restaurant is a huge dick!

Other “Horrible Mentions” in the Inappropriate Restaurant Music category go to: John Mayer, “Waiting For the World to Change”; Michael Jackson, “Man In the Mirror”; and Bryan McKnight, “Back At One.” Those three songs, back to back, are enough to make me stab a random person in the face with a fork. And guess what? A restaurant customer’s silverware rollup comes with two forks! Since this trio of crap music comes from the iPod playlist of a fauxhawked douchetard bartender at my current place of employment, maybe the customers should fork-stab him! Then maybe he won’t play the same iPod playlist every night. (I mean, seriously, this dillweed never hits the “shuffle” button).

It would be kind of cool to see a depression-induced mass suicide during the dinner rush, due to the back-to-back playing of “This Year’s Love” by David Gray and any REM song. Maybe the restaurant people would finally say to themselves, “Shit! Mass suicide! Maybe we should rethink our music playlist!” Then the playlist-making bartender would reply, “Nah, let’s go the safe and easy route, add a little Yanni and take away their forks.”

July 7, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Song That Would Play As You Stepped Up To a Major League Batter’s Box

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 17
SONG THAT WOULD PLAY AS YOU STEPPED UP TO A MAJOR LEAGUE BATTER’S BOX

"Mark McGwire likes Guns 'N Roses. You will play some Guns 'N Roses for Mark McGwire NOOOWWWWWWW!!!!"

JESSICA STIMSON
Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Linda Ronstadt. I could be totally wrong on the artist. My apologies if I am.

DRIFT ROBERTS
Pat Benatar. Have that one on vinyl. I may secretly be 44 years old.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Gotta be Big Pun‘s “Still Not a Player.” (“I’m not a playa, I just crush a lot.”) Big Pun was my favorite 700-pound rapper of all times. I’m not slight of build, but damn, that guy was a fat motherfucker. When you’re outfitting your living room with cargo-type doors and having furniture specially made, I would think a person might say to him/herself, “Maybe it’s time for a salad.”

WOO
“Ready or Not,” The Fugees.

MICHELLE DEE
Woo lies. I see him walking up to bat with Rick Ross‘s “Hustlin'” playing. Then proceeding to dry hump the catcher, Kat Williams-style.

WOO
Holy shit, I forgot about “Hustlin'”! What’s wrong with me? I CALL REDO. “Hustlin'” it is!

EMILY TOOPS
LL Cool J, ‎”Mama Said Knock You Out.” It’s also my hypothetical WWE ring entrance music.

SCOTTY HARRIS
As someone who thinks baseball is the worst thing on the planet, I think I would have to play any song that might get people to quit paying to watch this horrible sport and indirectly signing million dollar contracts for people to hit a fucking ball. I hate all professional sports, but at least in football you run the risk of getting paralyzed for being such a douche to begin with. So, maybe a two-hour loop of Michael Richards‘ meltdown. Backed with the “Barney” theme song. With vocals by Yoko Ono. And William Hung.

J.MIZ
I’m with Scotty. I’d write my own song called “SOMEBODY HELP! WTF AM I DOING HERE?! UNLESS I’M ON A SHIT-TON OF ACID, THEN I’LL PITCH A NO HITTER.”

ALLISON STEIN
“Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns ‘N Roses. (“You’re in the jungle baby! / I wanna watch you bleed!”)

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Yup, that was Mark McGwire‘s at-bat music whilst he played for the Cardinals.

ALLISON STEIN
I attribute that song choice to possible ‘roid rage: “Hey Mark, what song would you like to be played as you come up to the batter’s box?” “I want ‘Welcome to Jungle.'” Then he plays some ferocious air guitar and beats the shit out of some poor teammate.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
When Matt Morris was a Cardinal, he would come out to Phish‘s “Weekapaug Groove.” The idea that he might be playing baked always made me smile.

RYAN KRAUSE
Jumbo Shrimp, “Fuck Your Shit Up.” I only am called to the plate when they need a “game changer,” and that song definitely is a game changer!

July 4, 2011

Great Dates in U.S. History

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Paul Revere was the only Founding Father who had his own genie.

1773 – During a fierce intercontinental orgy, Paul Revere first shouts his signature phrase, “The British are coming!”

1776 – Signing day for the Declaration of Independence, and no one brings a pen. An enterprising Edward Papermate sells his first 12 pack of crappy disposables.

1792 – After years of horrible dry-mouthed hangovers, Eli Whitney scraps his original “cotton gin” project.

1812 – Some war is fought that future generations won’t know shit about.

1833 – At Strom Thurmond‘s Super Sweet 16 party, Strom yells at his dad for getting him a Mexican slave as a birthday gift. (“But Dad! I said I wanted a black one! You’re ruining my life! This birthday sucks! I HATE YOU!”)

1863 – One hour after awakening from a wicked bender, Abraham Lincoln is heard to scream, “I freed WHO?!”

1865 – Despite a very promising horoscope, Robert E. Lee realizes today is NOT going to be a good day.

1906Orville and Wilbur Wright each eat five grams of psilocybin mushrooms and REALLY fly.

1929 – America is plunged into a Great Depression. For a decade, America lies on the couch in sweatpants all day and night, with curtains drawn, getting no enjoyment from everyday activity.

1938 – The automobile is given a back seat, leading to a population explosion.

1963Ralph Kramden is arrested for domestic violence after finally sending Alice to the moon.

1969 – While walking on the moon, Neil Armstrong retrieves a dazed Alice and brings her back to Earth.

1981Wham! is formed, and American/British relations become very gay.

1984Nancy Reagan tells America’s youth to “just say no” to drugs, while Ronald Reagan orders the CIA to infiltrate the nation’s ghettos with a shit-ton of crack cocaine.

1985 – No cure for Parkinson’s disease is found.

1989 – Release of comedy classic Look Who’s Talking. We just love that movie. It’s Bruce Willis doing the voice over for a baby — come on, what’s not to love?

‎1995Monica Lewinsky gets private lessons on how to smoke a cigar. With her vagina.

2001Michael J. Fox takes the Delorean back to 1985 to find a cure for Parkinson’s disease.

‎2009 – The socially disturbing documentary Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is released. Virginia, which politely asked West Virginia to leave 150 years ago, now files for a legal separation.

2011 – Comedy website We’re Not Funny celebrates its 200th post on July 5.

CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Eric Dohman, James Draper, Buddah Eskew, Ryan Krause, Saracakes and Lola Tucker

June 23, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Favorite Tune About Drugs and/or Alcohol

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

"Ever since he started listening to The Velvet Underground, Jesus steals all my good heroin."

JESSICA STIMSON
Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw,” by Jimmy Buffett. Because, really, what more is there to say?

ANDREW J HICKS
If it was me, the song would be called “Why Don’t We Get To That Fine-Line BAC Level Where You Don’t Look Ugly Anymore But My Dick Still Works (And, At That Point, Have Some Sex).”

JESSICA STIMSON
Same difference. You callin’ me ugly?

ANDREW J HICKS
You callin’ me a drunk?

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Split Lip Rayfield‘s “A Little More Cocaine, Please” shows a measure of polite society one isn’t accustomed to seeing in your standard coke fiend.

ERTEL GRAY
Gonna go out on a limb here, but how about “Heroin” by The Velvet Underground? I feel sorry for today’s bands — all the good drugs already have a famous song named after them. All anyone can do now is pen a soft and somber tune about the horrors of caffeine addiction.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
The Velvet Underground has two more overt heroin songs — “I’m Waiting For the Man” and “Run, Run, Run” — and another one about amphetamines (“White Light/White Heat“). They also have quite a few songs about cross-dressers and transvestites. I love this band.

WOO
Smile Empty Soul said it best: “I do it for the drugs / I do it just to feel alive / I do it for the love / That I get from the bottom of a bottle.” Just beautiful. What a grand song for an opioid enjoyer like me.

ANDREW J HICKS
Woo, when’s the next party at your house?

SCOTTY HARRIS
Fuck all y’all and your pro-drug songs — “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd takes the cake.

ANDREW J HICKS
I think the song is actually called “Thyt Smyll.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I know it’s lame to admit liking anything from Cypress Hill, but I give them kudos for their sample of Dusty Springfield‘s “Son of a Preacher Man” on their tune “Hits from the Bong.” I saw them at Lollapalooza and Smokin’ Grooves. They actually roll out a giant, smoke-spewing bong onstage for that song. Can’t say they aren’t showmen.

EMILY TOOPS
Trotter’s right. I know it’s shameful to openly and unabashedly enjoy Cypress Hill, but “Dr. Greenthumb” has an incredibly sick beat. And, of course, Bob Dylan‘s “Rainy Day Women No. 12 & 35 (Everybody Must Get Stoned).” Hearing Dylan’s abrasive-ass voice for any period of time makes you wanna toke up.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
The lyrics to “Feel Good Hit of the Summer” by Queens of the Stone Age are nothing but a roll call of drugs, repeated over and over. (“Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol.”) Then the chorus is “C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cocaine.” Also repeated over and over. It’s songs like this that make me think I could be a competent lyricist.

J.MIZ
I’m a big fan of “Daisy Chain for Satan” by My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult. I LIVE FOR DRUGS! I’M THE WHITE RABBIT! And Curtis Mayfield‘s “Pusherman” from the Superfly soundtrack always makes me wish I was rockin’ a long body and slangin’ that smack.

RYAN KRAUSE
Check out these lyrics from “Crazed Country Rebel” by Hank Williams III: “I was trippin’ on some acid a Latino gave to me / I was smoking morphine till it knocked me off my feet / Then I scored some ‘H’ from my old Uncle Pete / Now I’m startin’ to feel like I might’ve OD’d.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
All you guys are wrong. The best drug song ever is a 112-way tie between every song released by Afroman.