Possession 101

by MICHELLE DEE

[Editor’s Note: We’ve previously underestimated our popularity with the ethereal and undead. Please accept this piece as our apology to you, you demonic bastards.]

1. You are weak. You are a fucking ghost/demon. An entity from the SPIRITUAL world. YOU HAVE NO PHYSICALITY.

2. Energy must be drawn from human emotion. Fear and anger are the quickest ways to go about this and, let’s face it, the most fun.*

3. You must start out small, planting the seed into your victim’s–er, resident’s–mind that you are there.  Do things like toss keys on the ground, knock things over or move small things out of their usual spots.

4. After that, you can do more obnoxious things that effect them financially. Turning on their water faucets or electronics, for instance.  You have the power to make it extremely cold in pockets of the house. Try to hang out by the thermostat. This is effective to achieve the anger we mentioned earlier.  Also, messing with kitchen cabinets and doors might seem lame, but do it just to watch the look on their faces. BWAHAHAHAHA!

10 Examples of Dad’s Geekiness

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Today starts a weekly We’re Not Funny feature written on a rotating basis by the parents on our writing staff. Join us for safe, family-oriented humor every Sunday, and tell all your friends who are moms and pops. -AH]

by ANDREW HICKS

 

• Likes to refer to 2-year-old daughter Sarah’s rainbow bib as “Roy G. Bib.”

• When burping Silas, his 7 month old, will frequently pat his back to drum beat of “Let’s Dance” by David Bowie while singing, “Let’s burp!”

• Got a good laugh out of a little kid on “Barney” saying, “She’s like a brother to me.”

• When Silas peed on Dad’s leg while flashing a huge grin, wrote a Facebook status about it on phone before cleaning up.

• While half-awake, could have sworn Elmo was singing “Skeet skeet skeet skeet” on “Sesame Street.”

• After breaking ankle on neighbor’s stairs last fall, wanted to purchase said stairs and comically reenact Stephen King‘s practice of buying and destroying the car that hit him in 1999, when he broke every bone in his body. Later found out King didn’t actually do this; he just bought the car and had it junked.

• When Silas smiles, Dad sometimes calls him “Smiley Silas” because it rhymes with the name of Billy Ray Cyrus‘s uber-famous teenage daughter. Major geek behavior.

• Occasionally uses the prefix uber-.

• Upon learning Sarah would automatically laugh when hearing the word “sassy,” Dad tracked down every Phil Hartman quote he could find from 1991 Sassy’s Sassiest Gentlemen” SNL sketch.

• Now can draw Elmo’s head in seconds with five pen strokes.

• Built most of this blog posting around months-old material written on a yellow legal pad. (Sorry, this actually belongs in the companion piece “Examples of Dad’s Laziness.”)

Rock Hate: Buddah’s List

[EDITOR’S NOTE: We thank Buddah for inspiring Saturday’s post, “Music Hate: A WNF Free-For-All,” after he shared with us this list of his picks for the crappiest of the crappy rock songs.  –Andrew Hicks]

—

12 Most-Hated Rock Songs

by BUDDAH ESKEW

B-52s — LOVE SHACK
I don’t even know if this qualifies as rock music. No wonder people get drunk and throw up at weddings.

BEATLES – YELLOW SUBMARINE
Hippie stoners meet preschool melody. Reminds me of the Sponge Bob theme song. For the record, I have a Mafia hit on the creators of Sponge Fucking Bob.

BILLY JOEL — WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE
The first white bitch since Deborah Harry to attempt rap music. Billy should be prison raped by Elton John for this garbage.

JANIS JOPLIN — ME AND BOBBY McGEE
Did Janis die too young? I don’t think so. And I believe she was on my 1970 Celebrity Death List.

Hate Music: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

QUESTION: What enduring popular songs or music acts can you absolutely not stand?

J.MIZ: I hate anything by The Doors. I hate Metallica. I hate Trent Reznor — the only time I’d use a strap-on on a d00d. I never ever liked Nirvana. Madonna suck began with Ray of Light. I like one Led Zeppelin song. And I really don’t give two shits about Smashing Pumpkins.

ANDREW HICKS: I’ve been going to regular karaoke for almost a decade, and there are a handful of cliches whose single opening notes instantly and eternally grate on me. Bob Seger‘s “Turn the Page” might be the most heinous offender. Faith Hill‘s “Breathe,” Martina McBride‘s “My Daughter’s Eyes” and “I Hope You Dance” from Lee Ann Womack are the trifecta of suicidally bad chick adult-contemporary country.

VICKIE SAUSEDA: “Mickey.” Toni Basil is a fucking cock tease. First she wants to go home, then she wants him around. Back and forth. Also, what kind of dipshit woman tells her man he’s pretty? And, on a personal level, “Mickey” rhymes with “Vickie.” Why do people think I want this song, damn clapping and all, sung to me?

C.J. DODD: I hate Ke$ha. The dollar sign in her name comes from the large amount of single dollar bills she received when she sold out.

ANNE GARDNER: “I Honestly Love You,” by Olivia Newton John. Worst. Lyrics. Ever. Honestly.

WOO: Anything by bands with the name of a city — Boston, Chicago, etc. Fuck em all! And anything by The Eagles. Used to love them, now can’t stand them at all since that Hell Freezes Over bullshit.

MICHELLE DEE: Get over it, Woo… I hate anything by Olivia Newton John. Her voice makes my teeth ache. I also hate “We’re Not Gonna Take It” from Twisted Sister.

Still More Quickies With Buddah

by BUDDAH ESKEW

Do you know why all the king’s horses couldn’t put Humpty back together again? Because horses don’t have medical degrees!

I nearly drowned in my own family gene pool, and I was wearing floaties!

4 out of 5 dentists surveyed say they hate surveys.

I was cut from my high school football team… and it was paper football!

My wife said I needed to masturbate more… until she woke up with her hair in clumps and her eyes matted shut.

—

This has been Quickies With Buddah. Join us next week for more of the same.

______ of the Christ

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

• 

  Wanted for dining and dashing, making big promises.

  Jesus snuck out of Denny’s without paying for breakfast… DASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• I heard Jesus is representing Galilee in a beauty pageant… SASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• Got a hot Jesus you need to hide until the trail runs cold? Sounds like it’s time for… STASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• Opening his robe while in public… FLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• Dude’s got these sweet-ass gladiator sandals… FASHION OF THE CHRIST.

• He wore that belt with those robes? That’s some serious CLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• Big-booty Jesus… KARDASHIAN OF THE CHRIST.

• Divine special order at the medical marijuana dispensary? HASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• You can only get so much Jesus per day… RATION OF THE CHRIST.

• Jesus overcooked his steak. Chewing on that thing is gonna require some GNASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• I heard Jesus shaved off his beard. Yup, for the time being he’s just going with a little STACHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• Wild and wonderful Jesus of West Virginia… APPALACHIAN OF THE CHRIST.

• I don’t mind the walking on water thing, but I wish he’d stop kicking it in my face. I’m tired of the SPLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST!

• Jesus likes to get all the lumps out of his potatoes… MASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• The Jesus I grew up with was all HOOD, always talkin about bustin caps… BLASSIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• I always imagined when Jesus comes back it will be like a nuclear alarm sounding off… CLAXON OF THE CHRIST.

• Jesus was mostly a good kid, but he got a detention at school once for talking too much about himself in class… INFRACTION OF THE CHRIST.

• Jesus got a D in Driver’s Ed… CRASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• If Jesus took over the body of O.J… yes, SLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

• Mel Gibson made a movie once… CASH-IN OF THE CHRIST.

Pirate Hooker Hysterics

by NATALIE “PIRATE HOOKER” STEINACKER

• Ever feel like giving someone a love pat? Right on the head, with a 2×4?
• Nursing Home residents like to blare classical and Johnny Cash, my generation will be blaring Disturbed and Eminem… just saying.
• You know those signs you see that say “Drive Carefully. We love our children”? Well, DUH!!! You’re not gonna see a sign that says, “Gun it, we’ll make more!”
• I betcha that in 1910 they thought that a hundred years later, there would be flying cars and robots. But NO, all we have is funny-shaped rubber bands and backwards robes.
• As the tornado warnings scrolled across the bottom of my TV screen, I noticed the scroll was sponsored by “John Beal, 1-800-NEW-ROOF.” Ironic…
• While it’s raining today I thought it would be fun to run outside and scream, “It burns!! It burns!!”
• The kids are currently in the kitchen, training to be Jedis. They said Darth Vader is coming for Christmas, and they need to be ready. I sure hope Santa’s not bringing Darth. What will he do if he doesn’t like the ham I am making? Mind-choke me?

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 25, 2011

[Editors Note: This bitch crazy!]

Hey y’all.  I apoligize for the late post.  I had my cousins weddin to attend this weekend. Beauteful weddin at the First Baptist Church.  The whole family thought this was a long time comin.  They have been together off and on for 18 years, so we were all happy to see her hitched finally.  All 9 of her kids were in the ceremony and it was very touchin. Unfortunately her other baby daddy showed up at the American Legion (father of the 2nd, 3rd, and 7th babies) and made quite a ruckus at the receptin. That man is always reeking of beer and ciggarettes.  But anyhoo, he got all up in my cousins face, and in turn I told him my piece then his loud mouthed lady friend got all up in my face.  That trailer trash princess had put her hands on me and well… I needed a place to put out my ciggarrette.  I was ready to tear into her. Took 3 officers to escort me out. So that’s how I ended up in county lock up over the weekend. I just got released this morning after visitin with that handsome judge I often see at the American Legion singles dances. I think he fancys me.  But anyhoo, I’m here to answer questions and late or not thats what I’m gonna do.

—–

Dear Chevelle,

Yo C, I got a situation. I gots this roomate and he be ‘illin. Leaving his socks all on the floor and laundry piled up outside his door. He got dishes stacked up in the sink, and don’t do shit up in this piece. It’s like he’s waiting for his momma to come over and magically make it all disappear. I’ve mentioned it and he gets all hype on me, stompin’ off like a whiny little bitch. How should I approach this?

Peace,
Dissed In Denver

Dear Dissed,

Look Honey, never underestimate the power of your momma, and judgin by the way you talk- go for his big momma. You tell them and have them come over.  I always tell my kids you aren’t too big for me to bust your ass. Same goes in your case. If that don’t work I would suggest throwing his crap out on the lawn. He’ll pick it up then! I know thats right!

Dear Chevelle,

I have entered myself in this Miss Kentucky Beauty Pageant. I am super nervous about the questions they are going to ask me, and I wonder if you can provide any tips on how to represent us country girls proper-like!

Lost In Louisville

Dear Lost,

Sugar you need to cram. May I suggest Jepordy re-runs or for more current happenins and news type questions take some lessons off the good folks at Fox News.  When in doubt World Piece and the Children are our future. Damn I love me some Whitney Houston.  Oh and always remember… You can never have too much hair spray!

—–

Y’all can write 2 me with this here in4mayshun:

Chevelle Danniels
117 Walton Way
Trayler # 13
Dumas, AR 71639

or Emale me at:
baybiezmomma78@aol.com

Whims By Woo

by Woo (duh!)

Abacuses: Name of a Parental Advisory labeled rap album released by P. Diddy which contains all remixes of Abba songs.

Abandonment: What happens when you spit out a cinnamon Altoid you thought was Peppermint.

Dude: After it’s been done. “Did you get your assignment completed?” – “Yes, I dude it.”

Abaft: What you are post-bath.

Abdomen: Special Diet Ramen noodles for body-builders.

Heuristics: A description of why she cannot stop jerking her wrist uncontrollably when nervous.

 

This has been a post in the Whims By Woo series. Stay tuned for more!

All The Small Things

by J. Miz

My best friend has been obsessed with having sex with a male midget human since she heard their “junk” is “normal” sized. It isn’t enough for her to have a Mardi Gras style flashing situation, the little dude HAS to enter her. Who am I to judge, I’ve fucked an amputee for the hash mark. The whole concept – when revealed – threw me into a tizzy of hopes and planning:

“So do you want him be all missionary so you can see if you can spin him like a top, ala Tucker Max?!?”

“You know it’d be like an instant boob job as soon as he touched your titties. Your tits would look HUGE.”

“In fact, I’d have him rub on my butt so I could feel like J-LO… badonkadonk!”

“Are midgets really small or are they just far away?”

“Objects in mirror aren’t smaller than they appear… THEY’RE MOTHERFUCKING MIDGETS!”

Hooker Or Slut? You Decide!

by Allison Stein

[Editors Note: Please join us here at WNF as we welcome our latest addition to the writing staff. She loves Unicorns and Black Cock, though we’re never quite sure which she is actually referring to. – Woo]

So, I am here blogging, well sort of. This is my first blog, and it stems from a friend of mine thinking I am funny. So now I feel on the spot to be funny. Its kind of like knowing someone can do something and you walk up to them and demand that they do it. Like, walking up to a pirate and demand they say “ARR Matey”, then laugh hysterically and walk away.

So, I may be funny, I may not. Time will tell. The one thing I do know for certain is, that I have often been called a Pirate Hooker, so without further adieu, here’s an “ARR Matey!!” for ya, but because I am a pirate HOOKER, I needs me cash now for performing for you. Just sayin, Hookers get paid, sluts do it for free, and I don’t want to be considered a “slut”. You know… ’cause that would be bad umkay.

Woo’s News, Jan. 22, 2011

by Woo

‘American Idol’ gives Fox its best Thursday ratings in 16 years

Fox also received a hand-job from Steven Tyler to score some blow.

Rumour also has it J-Lo and Tyler are hooking up, sources close to the pair indicate Lopez as feeling Steven is the only man alive who could possibly be uglier than Mark Anthony.

Bank of America Posts 4th-Quarter Loss of $1.2 Billion

We’ll have something to say on this subject once we give a fuck!

Larynx transplant restores voice to Central Valley woman

Husband said to be suing hospital and all Doctors involved, as he now can’t get the bitch to shut-up.

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords leaves Tucson

Too soon? Too soon.

It’s National Hugging Day

National Hugging Day? Sounds like National Free Pass On Sexual Harassment Day.

Comedy In Purgatory: Ωpen Mics

by ANDREW KING

Open mics: the Alpha and Omega of stand up comedy. It’s where every comedian starts, and I have no doubt that it’s where several comedians have called it their end. An open mic has the ability to make you feel invincible, giving a high like no other. It can also crush your soul and make you doubt every decision you’ve ever made. Now, performing in general already can have those results, but with open mics… you’re doing it for free.

Here in Purgatory, where the majority of open mics are for musicians who want you to hear their brilliant covers they spent a couple of afternoons learning, comedy is considered alien, and it is often ignored. On the other side of that, however, is a great feeling of accomplishment if you can actually win the crowd. It’s not easy by any means, and depending on the location, the odds are heavily stacked against you. But it is possible.

There are different types of open mics:
—-

Bar Open Mics

Found here are TV’s blaring, people playing pool, drunks arguing over sports teams and more. Oh, and don’t forget the jukebox. What’s more fun than trying to win over a crowd who’s trying to drink away sorrows, the abandonment of dreams, or just another day at the office/coal mine? Trying to win over said crowd while the Ghostbusters theme is playing in the background.

Poll: Weird Al’s Parody Of “Grenade”

“Harry Potter?”

by ANDREW HICKS

A while back, my wife and I were watching our neighbor’s 2 year old, and he spent most of that time grabbing individual DVDs from the shelf, walking over to me and asking, “Harry Potter?”

ME: No, Ben, that’s 9 1/2 Weeks, Kim Basinger’s smoldering turn in a tale of eroticism and obsession.

He’d toss the DVD, grab another one, present it to me. “Harry Potter?”

ME: Not Harry Potter. That’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, Stanley Kubrick’s metaphorical journey into the spiritual influence of history and time on our universe. It’s letterboxed.

“Harry Potter?”

ME: This one’s called Birth of a Nation, D.W. Giffith’s epic 1915 portrayal of a young American through the Civil War and its aftermath. Griffith’s villains are white actors in blackface, and the Ku Klux Klan rides in to save the day. It won a bunch of awards.

Then the 2 year old asked me what the hell I was doing with a three-hour, century-old racist silent film. I told him it syncs up really well with Public Enemy’s Fear of a Black Planet album when you’re stoned.

And All That Jazz, Jan. 18, 2011

Coming Out Of My Heathen Closet

by Vickie Sauseda

Telling my family that I am atheist has had the most peculiar repercussions…

I didn’t think that the revelation would even be noticed:

“Oh, hey, I don’t believe in God.”

“Ok, Vickie, can you pass the butter?”

How wrong I was. Getting yelled at by my Father was a shock; I nodded, smiled, and didn’t press the issue. My Mother, on the other hand, posted on Facebook: “Vickie was just kidding about that atheist crap. We all know she’s Methodist!”

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 17, 2011

Dear Chevelle,

I am looking for impartial advice from you.  My fiancé and I are getting married next month.  We have a 5-year old together.  My mother-in-law has always been good to me.  Until now.  She is in charge of the rehearsal dinner and instead of having it catered, she decided to host a barbeque!  I was disappointed but agreed.   I gave her the list of who to invite and she says she is adding six of her family to the list.  She knows my feelings and is blatantly disregarding them.  I told her to forget about the dinner, I would host it myself in a restaurant.  Now she says that she will not be attending my dinner.  My fiancé and I agree that this our wedding and we should be able to have things the way we wish.  She has no right to dictate to us.  I do not want my mother-in-law to walk all over me.  I think I deserve an apology from her!

Stuck-Up In Saskatchewan

Late-Night Channel Surfing

by ANDREW HICKS

Late one night, you’ll realize your wife is asleep, Child #1 is asleep, and Child #2 has finally settled into a restful slumber. You’ll go pee, you’ll clean up the kitchen a little, and you’ll realize you’ve got a moment that can be just about you. The things you enjoy. The things you treasure. Like TV.

So you channel surf, and this is what you find at 1:16 am:

Channel 2 (ABC affiliate): An older, larger fellow is sitting next to his wife giving an infomercial testimonial about a vaccuum penis pump. Time spent watching: 38 seconds.

Channel 3 (CBS affiliate): Commercial for local nursing home gives way to Mario Lopez interviewing Randy Jackson on Extra. Randy says a nice word about new judge Steven Tyler. Time spent: 23 seconds.

Channel 4 (public access): Local woman preaches about Satan wanting to mess with your life because he knows his own days are numbered. Time spent: 19 seconds.

Channel 5 (local advertising): Informercial for Joan Rivers beauty products. Yes, now people can spend good money to look beautiful like Joan Rivers. Time spent: 3.5 seconds.

 

2011 Celebrity Death Picks

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

[EDITOR’S NOTE: News organizations always have obituary files ready to go for celebrities who are nearing the end of the ride. Buddah wanted everyone at We’re Not Funny to put down five bucks or whatever and submit their picks for famous people who wouldn’t make it to see 2012. None of the WNF crew turned in a list, because for one, we’re above that sort of thing. Secondly, we’re too lazy to make lists. The following death picks are for entertainment purposes only. We wish no ill will upon any of the people named below. Except Abe Vigoda. That dude’s got it coming to him. -Andrew Hicks]

—

 

ED ASNER — Even Mary Tyler Moore thinks Mr. Grant has overstayed his welcome.

ERNEST BORGNINE — Actually, I think Ernest died in 1997, but his eyebrows are still alive and well.

JIMMY CARTER — Used to con countries out of American hostages; now often overheard saying, “I will die with hammer in hand before I go rescue any more citizens dumb enough to visit third-world shithole countries.”

DICK CLARK — Everyone used to joke about how Dick was preserved in time and would be an eternal teenager. When’s the last time you heard anyone say that? It’s been a rough road for Dick since his stroke. He’s become very difficult to understand, and Dick refuses to relearn the English language on Rosetta Stone due to the software program’s high cost.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS – Men with wives this hot don’t deserve a long life.

MICHAEL J. FOX — Still young and a bit of a shaky pick. What? Go ahead and hate me, I’m used to it.

ANDY GRIFFITH — Have you seen his new commercials? This guy looks so bad that, if Barney Fife were still alive today, he would put that one bullet he carried around in his pocket right into Andy’s temple just to put him out of his misery.

LIL’ WAYNE — Can you say “fatal gunshot wound”?

PENNY MARSHALL – I met her once at a sportscard convention. She’s more out of shape than Buddha, so she won’t be ticking much longer. And, what, you’re surprised I was at a sportscard convention?

KEITH RICHARDS — It’s just time. For the record, I am a big Stones fan.

JERRY STILLER — SERENITY NOW! Go in piece, Mr. Costanza.

ELIZABETH TAYLOR — Famously said, “A world without Michael Jackson just isn’t worth living in.” I agree, so get out!

ABE VIGODA — This dude is so old that first he started to smell like his Barney Miller character, Fish, and now he smells more like a dead fish.

BETTY WHITE — Let’s hope not, but why not go out on top of your game? When Betty passes, I personally will miss her huge tits.

Drift and C.J.: The Early Years, Pt. 2

by DRIFT ROBERTS and C.J. DODD

—

[EDITOR’S NOTE: The following post was excerpted by myself from comments on a Facebook wall post, in which our protagonists — Drift and C.J. — spontaneously mined their old Xanga and LiveJournal diaries. To read Part 1, click here. –Andrew Hicks]

—

C.J.:[From 2007]

Don’t you just wanna punch everyone in the face when they ask,
“You’re sick? How’d you get sick?”
OH I DUNNO BITCH, MAYBE SOME MICROSCOPIC SHIT HAPPENED THAT I WASN’T AWARE OF?

—

DRIFT: [Online survey question and response.]

Ever… Get drunk? Never, and never will.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Sex on the first date? NO

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Fag.

Ever looked a porn online? Yes, I used to all the time… I’m ashamed of it now…

HAHAHAHAHA.

CJ.: HAHAHAHAAHA

—

C.J.: Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

So, apparently I’m considered an adult now. Cuz I have a “job.” And am “over 18.” And “have 4 children on child support with their whore of a mother.”
And yet you’ll more than likely find me on Glen Oak Playground past 9:00 pm, sitting, chatting with friends or playing tag.
Growing up? It’s just a passing trend.
Maturity? A concept. A laughable one at that.
Dead baby jokes? Yep, still funny.

DRIFT: You there is where I’m at now. Fucking creepy.

And All That Jazz, Jan. 13, 2011

Just because I don’t have much junk in the trunk doesn’t mean I don’t like sex

 

by Vickie Sauseda

Many of my friends made the New Year’s resolution to get fit, while others are expressing, what I call “hefty pride.” They join groups like, “Curvy girls are better than skinny girls!” or post updates about being fat in “all the right places.”

I’m happy for any person comfortable in his or her own skin, but damn it, I feel left out. I want a group that will boost my self esteem. “The body of a 13 year old boy is sexy!” or ” Just because I don’t have much junk in the trunk doesn’t mean I don’t like sex.” For the sake of not being arrested or shaming my family, I suppose I should keep that to myself.

This is the first post in the And All That Jazz series by Vickie Sauseda. Stay tuned for more!

More Quickies With Buddah

by BUDDAH ESKEW

I trained my dog to recognize the “kill command,” but I didn’t know he had suicidal tendencies.

I was hooked on phonics, but now I’m in rehab.

I married Miss Right… well, I call her “Miss Never Wrong.”

How long do you have to hold a fish under water before it drowns?

I may have amnesia, but I can’t remember.

—

This has been Quickies With Buddah. Tune in next week for more of the same.

Comedy In Purgatory: Hell Gigs

by Andrew King

Every comedian I know has a great story of a really bad gig. The better ones have several. Hell Gigs are a rite of passage in the comedian community, an integral part of the journey of being a stand-up comic. There are many ingredients to a Hell Gig, they can have a combination of,  or all of these things:

[_] Heckler (You suck!)

[_] Oblivious/Bad Audience (What? Comedians? WTF is a comedian?)

[_] Awkward Set-Up (So here’s a milk-crate you can stand on… What? No, the TV’s will still be on.)
Now this particular gig had all of the above…

It was a benefit show for a guy who had cancer. I say “had” because he died before the show. So the benefit changed goals and now the proceeds would be going to a cancer charity. The show itself took place outside of a biker bar in East Moline, Illinois. Already there are enough signs to know that it’s going to be rough.

The stage was a Semi-truck’s flatbed trailer. There was a ladder nailed to it so you could get onto it. The trailer faced the brick wall of the bar and the audience was at an angle eating curly fries. I’ll try to illustrate below:

Whims By Woo

by Woo (duh!)

 

There is no “I” in Team. There is, however, “Meat”. Mmmmmm.

 

Sisyphus: An STD which causes your penis to have to roll your testicles uphill, only to have them roll back down, for the rest of eternity.

If you missed the joke – sources: 1 and 2

 

I think I’m getting Dyslexia. I tried to choke that bitch, but ended up giving her a neck rub.

 

Newsflash: Jason Statham releases new movie. Same movie as 8 others he’s done.

 

Dear Baby Boomers,

We get it. Rap is about rhyming words. Crap rhymes with rap. Calling it “that rap crap” is just hi-lar-ious. You can stop now. Really. Stop.

 

This is the first post in the Whims By Woo series. Stay tuned for more!

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 10, 2011

Dear Chevelle:

Hello. This is Clara Mae Jenkins, and I has a concern I would like your assistance with. You see, I think my husband has been sexualizin with the babysitter. The kids tell me they “wrestle” together, the sitter and my man. They do it in the bedroom after hubbie comes home from work but before I get home from my evenin’ shift at Denny’s. Please tell me what I should do, I can’t stand the thought of him with that skank.

Sincerely,
Worried In Wichita

Dear Worried,

Once I thawt my 3rd baby’s daddy was cheatin on me while I was at work.  I called his momma, Paster Greg, and Raydene – the big mouthed tubby-slut across the street – over for sum pie and coffee while the kids were in school.  I busted right in on him and that cum-guzzling hussy.  Now, not only is he paying me an obscene amount of child support, his momma knows his baby ain’t got no daddy,  he had to confess before the priest, and the entire town knows he was with that 4-toothed, chain-smoking whore.  Maybe this will work for you, sister? Lord willin!

Sincerely,
Chevelle
♥

Woo’s News, Jan. 10, 2011

by Woo

Victoria Beckham pregnant with 4th child

I guess when you can bend it like Beckham, baby making is bound to result.

Verizon iPhone to attract 9 to 12 million new US users for Apple

12 Million more anti-social zombies, just what America needs.

John F. Kennedy ‘sex fiend’ TV show pulled in US

Lord knows we have to immortalize the dead in this country. We tried to impeach Clinton, but for you, dead guy, we’ll let it slide…

U.S. Subpoenas Twitter Over WikiLeaks

Just when you thought it was safe to use a service online to toss out witty one-liners about your dinner plans, and how your favorite shirt got ruined. It turns out anyone following @Wikileaks could be subject to a Federal probe. Speaking of probes, bend over and drop those trousers for this one.

Thanks to Ethanol Plant, Cars Using Four Loko for Locomotion

You read that correctly. And no we’re not talking about a dance and song from Ike and Tina Turner. The now banned alcoholic energy drink Four Loko is being converted into fuel for your Suburban, the one with Tap Out bumper stickers all over the back window.

Quackery

by Vicki Sauseda

I suffer from bipolar disorder. No, jackass, that doesn’t mean I find both girls and guys sexually attractive. Every once in awhile my brain engages in a great suicide debate, and when it does, I go to the hospital.

At the first Group Time – mind out of the gutter children –  during my last stay in the hospital, I was shocked and disgusted. Why? A HUGE poster was hanging on the wall: Dr. Phil’s Rules of Living. What? I’m trusting my fragile mental state with people who are following Dr. Phil McQuack’s advice? Does Jerry Springer do their relationship counseling class?

I could go on and on about how much the poster bothered me, but I’m sure you can come up with your own reasons why bipolars, schizophrenics, the depressed, and so on, need better care/advice than Dr. Phil. His number one rule: Either you get it, or you don’t. Apparently, I fall into the latter category. I found humor and a snippet of comfort in that.

Dear Chevelle: A Weekly Advice Column

This iz me, right after my weddin y'all

My name is Chevelle Danniels. I am a 33 year old single mother of 7 kids: 14, 10, 8 , 4 year old triplets, and my 17 munth old. I was born in Grady, AR and moved to Dumas, AR, to live with my triplets daddy and for more oppurtoonity. I work hard to do for my kids. I am a checker for Wal-mart during the day and a PT bartender in the evenings.  I enjoy watching Wheel of Fortoone and readin Cosmo magazines. I enjoy my bowling legue and trivial nights at the American Legion, which is also where I do my bartending. I can bake better than anybodies grandma. I am an ex smoker and current drinker, Workin hard wit the Lord and AA on that one.  I married my senyor year of highskool and that didn’t work out so well so I’ve been looking for my Prince Charmin every cents. If you are him then  don’t you be afraid to buy me no drink ;)

Until then Our Lord and Savior will do.  I am a Christian but I don’t judge. Jesus Christ is the only perfect being so write in with any quesitons, heathens.  I have real solootons for real delimmus.

Y’all can write 2 me with this here in4mayshun:

Chevelle Danniels
117 Walton Way
Trayler # 13
Dumas, AR 71639

or Emale me at:
baybiezmomma78@aol.com

SWF In Search Of…

By J. MIZ

I few years ago, I had a boyfriend with extreme ADD and ADHD. I’d grown up with a sibling who had ADD, which made me extremely patient. HOWEVER… it was EXHAUSTING! My boyfriend’s IQ was half of mine, and he was always stoned, so I had continual opportunities to Jedi Mind Fuck him. He pretty much believed anything I told him and expected nothing but niceties from me. That, good people, is exactly where he fucked up.

Far be it from me to claim full sanity. I have suffered depression, anxiety and slight obsessive-compulsive disorder in regards to my closet. Clothes are hung by sleeve length, collar type, skirts, pants, suits then dresses. I get nutters if it isn’t maintained that way. As my mom says, “A little OCD is okay if it’s productive.”

One year, a few days before his birthday, he went on one of his blabbermouth tirades. All he did was bitch and moan and whine as I sat there on our bed, brain completely numb. I believe people should be able to vent, but CHRIST! MAN UP BRO!

Drift and C.J.: The Early Years, Pt. 1

by DRIFT ROBERTS and C.J. DODD

—

Excerpted from comments on a Facebook wall post.

—

DRIFT: I buy non-biodegradable Styrofoam in bulk. I buy so much of it, I can’t use it all and end up burying large portions of it in my backyard, completely unused.

C.J.: You do not, you big fucking fibber. You buy a certain amount of Styrofoam, use said amount, then properly dispose of that amount. Then you go home, get on your Tumblr and blog about your good deed for your three followers to read. Hilariously enough, they’re all members of the Audubon Society.

DRIFT: FUCK YOU THAT’S OFFENSIVE! I DON’T HAVE A TUMBLR.

C.J.: YOU ALSO HAVE A XANGA.

DRIFT: Not since ’06.

C.J.: ‎Wooooow.

DRIFT: HOLY FUCK, IT’S STILL UP! I’m reading the posts. This is embarrassing.

C.J.: Copy and paste your angst for us, please. Also, I’m just as surprised it’s still up.

DRIFT: NOOOOO. Fuck a bunch of that.

C.J.: Come on, Driiiiiift. We want to laaaaaaugh.

DRIFT: Ughhh. I’m talking about getting baptized into the Mormon church. And there’s junior high-era copy-and-pasted AIM conversations. Jesus Christttt.

C.J.: I just checked my private LiveJournal. August 5th, 2005, was the first post about one of my exes. Also, I had a public account before that for years. Oh God.

DRIFT: February 09, 2006 — I’m complaining about my dad not letting me participate in my grade school spelling bee because I was sick. Even going as far as saying, “This is bullcrap.” Powerful words.