This Week in J.Miz, Volume 14

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Donkey Kong wizard Billy Mitchell can grab J.Miz's bananas anytime, or roll barrels at J.Miz, or climb ladders, or whatever the hell you did in Donkey Kong.

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• Integrity is SO important to me, I refuse to make exceptions. Well, I make an exception for one thing and one thing only: double standards.

• As I am reconnecting with my Catholic roots, I won’t be dressed as a typical slut for Halloween. Instead, I’m going as an altar boy.

• Creative people with high IQs are often told that they’re insane and need meds. I think we just need better doctors.

• Even as a young girl, I knew I could do WHATEVER I put my mouth to.

• I think the kids on the short bus had it all figured out. I bet THEY never had to write a term paper on The Taming of the Shrew.

• It’s totally bonkers when I’m out with my boyfriend, and I decide to duck into a bathroom and have spontaneous sex, and then he walks in on it.

• Jesus loves you more when you keep it real.

• I hate men who play games. Except for Billy Mitchell. I fucking LOVE him!

• The bathroom in this Argentinian grill is so dark, I’m not sure if I sat on a toilet or a glory hole.

• My dentist told me I wasn’t flossing enough, so I bought dubs. He thought I was retarded! But it turns out I’m racist. Because he’s black.

• J.Miz doesn’t care about bitch-ass people.

• Jesus made me miss the early train today so I could ride the one with the HOT-ASS conductor. #WearingSkirtOnTheVibratingMetraRailFTW #Ahhhhhhhhhhh

• Though life is full of scary people, I do not fear necrophiliacs.

• Dear Suburbs: Yeah. We’re done. kthxbai

• I was just given the day off at the last minute. My afternoon will now be filled with naps and grilled cheeses. Oh yes, my friends. o.h.y.e.s.

• My comforter brings all the kittehs to the bed. And they’re like, “It’s betta than yours!”

• Watched a YouTube video posted by user “golum0734.” I bet THAT guy gets SHIT-TONS of pussy.

• I prefer that my sleep be man-made.

• It seems like the day after I have sex, I’m COVERED in bruises. But I think my boyfriend said it best: “Well then stop fighting back, bitch!”

• In which religious text and on what day did God say, “Let there be religion”? And was that before or after the dinosaurs were on the ark?

• Here’s a bit of an unknown fact: cats.love.ham. And BOY do they HATE rape!

• I wish anxiety would manifest in ways other than panic attacks. For instance, an urge to start a freestyle rap battle. That way you’d stave off the attack AND get mad street cred.

• You’re NEVER too old for sprinkles.

• Dear Coworker With The Shit Attitude, Like You Hate Your Job: I know about a dozen-plus people who would love ANY JOB! Maybe our boss keeps me working a lot a shifts because I’m a pleasant person who contributes, smiles and acts as if I’m not a miserable fuck. He tells me when to come here, and I come. You’re the ONLY reason your shifts are cut or you get stuck on bitch duty. Buck up, man. You’re only fucking yourself. KTHXBAI

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EDITOR’S NOTE: J.Miz has been with WNF since Day One, and we think she’s damn hilarious. Do yourself a favor and follow @JMiz8 on Twitter. –AH

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century, Part 3

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

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[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgement to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. Click here to read Fyler’s previous Devil’s Guides. –AJH]

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Agnosticism: Theological bet-hedging.

Airplane: The dream of gods and heroes, an airplane is a magical conveyance that allows man finally to achieve the goal of flight. So magnificent is it, in fact, that it requires the invention of a special device – the airline – to turn it into a soul-sucking cavalcade of human misery. 21st century airlines are very good at their job.

Alcohol: Evolution’s accelerator pedal.

Bank: A legalised consortium of thieves, scoundrels and extortionists which, against all the laws of mathematics, collectively manages to achieve a moral standard somehow lower than any of its parts.

Baseball: The least imaginative use ever made of a baseball bat.

BFF (Best Friends Forever): A promise made by people too shallow to understand that “forever” extends beyond next week.

Capitalism: Economic system that gives the rights of personhood to corporations and the rights of deities to currencies, in the belief that money, if sufficiently worshipped, will reproduce.

Catholicism: Pyramid scheme with pointy hats and promises.

Celebrity: Egomaniac with entertainment value.

Chocolate:  Throughout the whole of recorded history, mystics, alchemists and other assorted hippies have searched and toiled and sweated to discover the distilled elixir of life. Now available at Walmart.

Cocaine: Sugar for those with more money than sense.

Coalition: System of government specifically designed to ensure nobody gets what they want. A finely-tuned misery engine, in essence.

Communism: Economic and political system based on the idea that many idiots are better than one.

Compromise: A 21st century notion by which everybody loses. Originally the invention of desperate parents of multiple siblings, it was never meant to be taken seriously by anyone over the age of 8.

Credit Card: A plastic lie which guarantees not only its own discovery but also its own punishment.

Cynicism: Accuracy.

Debt Ceiling: The economic value of exactly how much sincerity can be forced into this statement: “The check is in the mail.”

Ecology: The idea that extinction should be avoided at all costs. Currently unsupported by large groups of people who appear to believe that, so long as everyone else dies first, they win.

Fashion: A subtle co-mixture of style and stupidity.

Fast Food:  If you watch chimpanzees eat, several facts become apparent. They eat with their hands, grunt and squeal unintelligibly and will, if the occasion demands it, happily ingest a mouthful of feces. The theory of evolution claims mankind diverged from his chimpanzee cousins some 5-7 million years ago. Fast food restaurants prove that the theory of evolution may not be all it’s cracked up to be.

Gym: A voluntary torture chamber.

Gymnastics: Sadomasochism with a scoring system.

Homeland Security: The notion that the nation can only be truly safe once everyone’s under suspicion.

iMac: The supermodel of computers – very pretty to look at but functionally illiterate.

Infomercial: An extended commercial. Strict linguists are now demanding these be referred to more accurately as “bullshimercials.”

Islam: A relatively immature religion, currently going through its teenage phase of slamming doors, yelling “I never asked to be manifested!” and killing thousands of people for no readily identifiable reason. Many Christians look down on Islam for this kind of behaviour, almost as if the 15th century never happened. Or the 16th century. Or the 17th, come to that.

Journalism: An alternative to earning an honest living.

Looting: Revolution for personal gain.

Microsoft: The ultimate profanity. Known euphemistically as “the M Bomb,” it is generally only used when all other linguistic ordinances have been exhausted. Sadly, the nature of 21st century work means the M Bomb can be heard in every office in the world on a daily basis. Usually around two minutes before an important deadline or meeting.

NASCAR: A popular motorsport, the chief attraction of which appears to be the opportunity to watch hillbillies explode into greasy balls of flame.

Nouvelle Cuisine: The Emperor’s new dinner.

Novelist: A professional liar.

Olympics: The celebration of a collection of sports that no one gave a flying 50-yard fuck about for the past three years and 50 weeks.

O’Reilly, Bill: Proof that 3.5 million people can be wrong after all.

Philosophy: The contemplation of the universe’s navel, and the investment of serious time and effort in trying to describe the fluff found therein.

Ready Meals: Food that should come with a handful of barbiturates or a shotgun to take the taste away.

Resumé: A structured lie.

Romance: Man’s most effective sexual lubricant. Also, in the long run, his most expensive. It is possible there is some sort of mystical connection between these two facts.

Search Engine: Device that makes actual searching entirely obsolete. Should more accurately be described as a command engine. Or a genie.

Sobriety: State of being which allows one to see things as they actually are. The history of mankind has been one long flight from such a ghastly prospect.

Staycation: The fashionable name for sitting your poor ass on the couch.

TiVo: Device that allows you to record television programmes you didn’t care enough about to watch and store them so you can not watch them over and over and over again.

Twitter: Website where those who can only be interesting or funny for 140 characters or fewer are the most successful.

Walmart: Ultimate 21st century practitioner of the Find The Lady trick, the “lady” in this case being sweatshop production labor, de-unionised store labor, minimum-wage exploitation and shoddy product quality. But ooh, look, sneakers for a dollar ninety-five. How do they do that?

WMDs: Weapons of mass destruction. In the 21st century, these were discovered to be not only invisible but actually nonexistent.

Can I Write My Jokes in Peace?

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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Newman and Ms. Swan have a glorious message to share with you, unprompted, in the mall food court.

I was sitting in a comfortable wicker chair at the Irvine Spectrum with my comedy buddy Ryan Papazian. We were working on standup bits at the Red Rock Bar. I was in good company, and the jokes were starting to flow out. We analyzed Ryan’s routine about his problems with girls. Add this. Leave this out. Maybe if you use an act-out or use this type of voice. The beginnings of a productive afternoon were underway. We were sitting in public, though. When you sit in public, people can approach you for absolutely no good reason.

Enter the odd couple. He wore a powder-blue button-down shirt and khakis, and he also looked just like Newman from “Seinfeld.” She looked like a Filipino Ms. Swan (from “MADtv”). They approached us as if they knew us, asking, “So what do you guys think of this May 21st business?”

Oh, the Rapture? That’s nonsense. I don’t care. I am an atheist. That’s what I should have said. Instead, I answered thoroughly and seriously, and so did Ryan. We talked about the mass manipulation and misallocated funds of the Mormon religion and the guilt builders of the Catholic religion. We chastised the Saddleback Church for spending 4 million dollars on a basketball court and Crystal Cathedral Ministries for declaring bankruptcy to the tune of $48 million.

Christians-Only Restrooms

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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"What's my crime?" "You wished me 'Happy Holidays,' heathen!"

Is it me, or does everyone want to have a hard luck story? “Growing up was so hard. We only had one car, and mom and dad couldn’t go on vacations, and I had to babysit my kid sister when I was 13.” “Life is so hard being slightly overweight.” “Life is so hard being a white male because of affirmative action.” “Life is hard because I have ADHD.” EMOOOOOOOO!!!

The big one I’m not understanding is Christians who claim they are persecuted in America. Really, isn’t the statistic that three out of every four Americans are Christians in this country? There are 305 million people in America, so that means there are 224.75 million Christians outnumbering the remaining 80.25 million. And they feel discriminated against? I haven’t seen a Christian-only bathroom or water fountain. People don’t yell at you for praying in public. In fact, breast feeding in public is more looked down upon than praying. If you wear a crucifix around your neck, no one will tell you to take it off.

So is it the media? Does it mess with freedom of religion? True, sex and violence run rampant on television, but do they purposely attack Christianity in the media? In horror movies, Catholic church scandals and Tim Curry in Disney’s The Three Musketeers? In the science of Jurassic Park, maybe? Feel free to add any other titles you can think of.

From the Mind of J.Miz, Volume 2

Cemetery: The singles' bar for the new millennium.

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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I’m going to start using the obituaries as a dating tool. I can be very comforting to recently widowed penis.

The religious will tell you to pray and repent in order to be spared on Judgment Day. Fuck that, just make sure you’re in line behind ME.

As a single woman in her thirties, it’s difficult for me to meet guys. I’m starting to miss my old job as Glory Hole Attendant.

My Jewish boyfriend would like to thank the Pope for all the time I spent in Catholic church, kneeling.

I confronted my boyfriend about his sex addiction, and he’s in therapy now. Sadly for me, it’s hands-on therapy to improve his technique.

With this humidity, I should just wear my hair curly, but I can’t find my Black Power pick. And I’m nothing without my accessories.

I once dated a guy with ED. Yeah, his dick would fail… at recognizing who its girlfriend was.

I would never get paid for sex. Robbing dudes afterward is way more fun.

I will never forget my senior prom. That was the night my daughter Toiletta was born.