Prince’s Birthday Itinerary

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

1 pm - Play symbol-shaped guitar in field of blue fiber optic wires and purple posies while a sheep looks on.

The Purple One turned 51 yesterday, and it was a special birthday for the little man. We know it was special because WNF operatives managed to get ahold of his symbol-shaped day planner. Here’s how Prince planned to spend his birthday time:


5 am
– Get woken up by alarm clock that blurts out “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.”

5:30 am – Eat bowl of Cap’n Crunch with soy milk.

6 am – Open blinds, check to see if sky is all purple and people are running everywhere.

6:30-8 am – Do Pilates while listening to 90-minute version of “Batdance.”

8:15 am – Finally shave off that eighth grade mustache.

9 am – Walk door to door asking neighbors if they’re ready for Jehovah’s return.

10 am – Call Rebecca Black. Ask her if she’s interested in collaborating on a song about Hump Day. When she excitedly says yes, laugh loudly, scream “No way, bitch!” and hang up.

10:15 am – Grab aloe vera tissue, gently wipe away tears from eyes of pet dove.

10:30 am – Go online and see if there are any sweet new axes on PhallicGuitars.com.

11 am – Open package in the mail, roll eyes when it turns out to be a strawberry beret. Realize your friends don’t know you at all.

12-2 pm – Continue search of entire state of Minnesota for that poofy George Washington shirt you lost in 1988.

2:30 pm – Make sure Kirby Puckett is still dead and that you’re still the only black guy in Minnesota.

3 pm – Take dump. Wipe ass with Grammy. Discard Grammy.

3:15 pm – Skype ex-wife and perform intimate acoustic versions of “Adore,” “When U Were Mine,” “I Would Die 4 U,” “Take Me With U” and “Friend Lover Sister Mother Wife,” then realize you’ve been singing to the .gif pic that’s her auto-answer.

3:30-4:30 pm – Work on Pages 165-190 of screenplay for Graffiti Bridge sequel.

4:30 pm – Get down to government building close to put in paperwork for new name: &.

5 pm – Randomly do splits in house foyer.

5:45 pm – See if Jerome has finished polishing your petite red Corvette.

6:15 pm – Find random hot girl. Rename her Viola Pioggia, and tell her you’ll begin work on her sure-to-be-platinum debut album right after you guys have a little “sack time.”

7 pm – Appear at NAACP Image Awards to accept trophy for Strangest Religion For a Semi-Black Entertainer Who Is Palatable To White Folks. Tell the audience that you’ll never be able to fill Sammy Davis Jr‘s shoes, but you’ll certainly try.

8 pm – Dinner at Olive Garden with NBA star Joakim Noah to exchange beard-growing tips.

9 pm – Challenge Charlie Murphy to a game of basketball in front of his people. Then make everyone some blueberry pancakes.

11:30 pm – Arrive for your concert that started at 8.

CONTRIBUTORS: Eric Dohman, Buddah Eskew, Anne Gardner, J.Miz and Woo

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