You Have 326 Friends And 1 Robot

by J. MIZ

A few weeks back, I had a random chick friend me on Facebook. I don’t know her but probably should. We grew up in the same area and must have traveled in similar social circles. I am basically a Facebook whore now, in order to generate some readers for my blogging ventures. I barely look at my news feed and rarely look at a “friend’s” wall unless I’m on some type of stealth-like stalking mission. However, her updates, activities and likes are so dull I question if she’s truly human or not. Seriously, that kid Kip Drordy, from South Park, who had one friend… this chick makes him look like that Dos Equis Guy. Allow me to provide some examples:

• I hear my hometown is about to get a big snow storm.
• I’m at the movies right now.
• I am watching Spartacus: Gods of the Arena.
• I am watching Face/Off. (Wait, did I hit some Facebook time travel wormhole?!?!)
• I am watching Top Chef All-Stars.
• ~ Likes SIRIUS XM Radio. (Do ya? Do ya like it? Do ya?)
• I am watching The Social Network. (And OBVIOUSLY living the fucking dream, lady!)

The only reason her friendship is secured with me on Facebook is she has family members that are NOTORIOUS gang bangers back home, and she keeps “LEVELING UP” on Mafia Wars.

NIFOTK: Piperisms

NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS

Our Weekly Family-Friendly Sunday Segment

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Piperisms

by CHANELL B.

 

Piper is my 6-year-old daughter. She has a wild imagination and often says many funny things unintentionally. The results are what you see below:

PIPER: Mommy, does this hotel have the food delivered to our room?
MOMMY: No, I don’t think so.
PIPER: Awww, I wish it did, ’cause I like servants!

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PIPER: Why can’t Squidward (from Sponge Bob) just do a little love and stop bein’ mean all the time?

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PIPER: There’s gonna be GALLONS of zombies at the zombie walk, isn’t there mommy?

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PIPER: Look, mommy! Its a HERD of birds!!!

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PIPER: Mommy, you have to lick it, and THEN you can stick it. You have to lick it before you stick it. Lick. Stick. Lick. Stick. Licksticklicksticklstlstlstlstlsticklstlstlickllllllll!!!

5 Comedy Techniques That Have Stuck With Me

by ANDREW HICKS

While on the phone with my dad the other night, we were talking about comedy and my history with comedy, and he asked me, “Well, what are some of the early types of humor you liked that still stick with you?” I was a little tired, a little brain dead, and my immediate answer was, “Uh… as a kid until now, I’ve always enjoyed silly stuff. But not all silly stuff. Some of it’s stupid silly, some of it’s intellectual silly, and there’s good and bad examples of each, which kinda makes it all more silly.”

I stopped right there, as I was making not a single lick of rational sense, but my dad’s question led me to think a little bit about which forms and methods of comedy I appreciated early on and still carry with me. So I wrote this:

5 COMEDY TECHNIQUES

THAT HAVE STUCK WITH ME

1. DEADPAN

At the age of 11, after seeing the 1989 Tim Burton movie, I became obsessed with all things Batman. The ’60s TV show, in particular. I took it rather seriously at first, but as I grew into my sense of humor throughout adolescence, I started to appreciate the deadpan genius of Adam West and a few of the veteran character actors on the show.

Neil Hamilton, who played Commissioner Gordon, was a master of finding the super-serious side of funny in the often-outlandish dialogue he was given and performances he was surrounded by. The man was a brilliant straight man, whether he realized it or not. The style and rhythm of his dialogue delivery influence me to this day.

Also, I fell hard for Airplane! at an impressionable age. I loved the combination of obvious, elementary-level jokes and straight-faced performances of Leslie Nielson, Peter Graves and Robert Stack. I recently learned that the studio balked at the casting of dramatic actors in those parts and wanted Chevy Chase, Dom Deluise and Bill Murray instead. Which would not have been nearly as sublimely silly.

Hooker Or Slut? You Decide!

by Allison Stein

[Editors Note: Please join us here at WNF as we welcome our latest addition to the writing staff. She loves Unicorns and Black Cock, though we’re never quite sure which she is actually referring to. – Woo]

So, I am here blogging, well sort of. This is my first blog, and it stems from a friend of mine thinking I am funny. So now I feel on the spot to be funny. Its kind of like knowing someone can do something and you walk up to them and demand that they do it. Like, walking up to a pirate and demand they say “ARR Matey”, then laugh hysterically and walk away.

So, I may be funny, I may not. Time will tell. The one thing I do know for certain is, that I have often been called a Pirate Hooker, so without further adieu, here’s an “ARR Matey!!” for ya, but because I am a pirate HOOKER, I needs me cash now for performing for you. Just sayin, Hookers get paid, sluts do it for free, and I don’t want to be considered a “slut”. You know… ’cause that would be bad umkay.

Comedy In Purgatory: Hell Gigs

by Andrew King

Every comedian I know has a great story of a really bad gig. The better ones have several. Hell Gigs are a rite of passage in the comedian community, an integral part of the journey of being a stand-up comic. There are many ingredients to a Hell Gig, they can have a combination of,  or all of these things:

[_] Heckler (You suck!)

[_] Oblivious/Bad Audience (What? Comedians? WTF is a comedian?)

[_] Awkward Set-Up (So here’s a milk-crate you can stand on… What? No, the TV’s will still be on.)
Now this particular gig had all of the above…

It was a benefit show for a guy who had cancer. I say “had” because he died before the show. So the benefit changed goals and now the proceeds would be going to a cancer charity. The show itself took place outside of a biker bar in East Moline, Illinois. Already there are enough signs to know that it’s going to be rough.

The stage was a Semi-truck’s flatbed trailer. There was a ladder nailed to it so you could get onto it. The trailer faced the brick wall of the bar and the audience was at an angle eating curly fries. I’ll try to illustrate below:

Whims By Woo

by Woo (duh!)

 

There is no “I” in Team. There is, however, “Meat”. Mmmmmm.

 

Sisyphus: An STD which causes your penis to have to roll your testicles uphill, only to have them roll back down, for the rest of eternity.

If you missed the joke – sources: 1 and 2

 

I think I’m getting Dyslexia. I tried to choke that bitch, but ended up giving her a neck rub.

 

Newsflash: Jason Statham releases new movie. Same movie as 8 others he’s done.

 

Dear Baby Boomers,

We get it. Rap is about rhyming words. Crap rhymes with rap. Calling it “that rap crap” is just hi-lar-ious. You can stop now. Really. Stop.

 

This is the first post in the Whims By Woo series. Stay tuned for more!