Porn Stars Rush To Aid Weiner

by ERTEL GRAY and J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

We feel bad for chicks. Now when they Google "wiener pics," this is what they have to work with.

NEW YORK – Recently disgraced U.S. House Representative Anthony Weiner, deeply embroiled in a recent Twitter/nude penis photo scandal, found unlikely allies among the nation’s top male adult film stars.

“We’re here to lend our support. It’s a shame that our country is so desperate for scandal that we’ve resorted to a modern-day Salem Witch Trial, ” noted James “Buster Banger” Edmunson, 37, star of the Adult Video News Award-winning smut masterpiece The Semen Bitch Trials and 350 other skin flicks.

Martin “Ricky Spankadocious” Francis, 41, is a gay-for-pay adult film star and chairman of the porn industry free-speech activist group Don’t Be A Punk, Show Your Junk. He told WNF reporters he has posted pictures of his penis on various social media websites, including Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, 4Chan, ChatRoulette, eHarmony.com, Google Earth, Craigslist, Bing, AskJeeves and RamenNoodleRecipes.com.

“Chances are if you’ve ever entered the search terms ‘Midget,’ ‘Sex,’ ‘Midget Sex,’ or ‘Choke Me While I Cry And Masturbate On Your Yearbook Photo’ anywhere on the Internet, you’ve seen my work,” said Francis. “I’d place Weiner’s below-waist self-portraits right up there with my finest photography. It would be a shame to silence such a master craftsman.”

Francis added that the Show Your Junk foundation will be shooting a gonzo film called The Fist Amendment tomorrow morning and donating 3 percent of the proceeds to Weiner’s reelection campaign. If that doesn’t raise enough money, Francis said the folks at SYJ will spend half a morning filming a 240-minute Washington-themed porn parody called Sex and Balances.

“Okay, I admit it, I giggled when I heard that Tony Weiner was being taken down by a wiener shot,” said celebrated size queen and well-hung hermaphrodite spit fetishist Juan “Sweat NutZ” Peroni, 43. “I thought to myself, ‘These things come in twos. You’d better watch your ass, John Boehner!’ Then I thought, ‘Wait a minute, it’s the media who keeps shoving this Weiner thing down our throats.'”

Completely off the subject and without being prompted, Peroni added that, starting this Saturday, he’ll begin performing under the name Hugh AsstronutZ. After several more minutes of unsolicited self-promotion, Peroni turned his thoughts back to Weiner.

“It’s too bad,” Peroni said. “Weiner was one of the few politicians who was getting things done and was actually reaching across the aisle. Unfortunately, it was with his dick.”

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Hicks, Anne Gardner and Eric Dohman

One Comment to “Porn Stars Rush To Aid Weiner”

  1. “We feel bad for chicks. Now when they Google “wiener pics,” this is what they have to work with.” Hehehe.

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