Posts tagged ‘Masturbation’

July 25, 2011

Broken News, July 25, 2011

compiled and edited by WOO

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Amy Winehouse found dead in her London home

Found in the early morning, the person finding her was reportedly calling, “♫ Amy Amy Aaaaamy ♫”, but received no response. The smell of her rapidly decomposing career is said to have led to the discovery. Long known for her usage of cocaine, her last words were reportedly recorded in her home studio as, “♫ They try ta make me go to Rehab, but I said noooo noooo *croak* ♫.” Courtney Love, known for similar habits, tweeted: “Pshh… what an amateur! #Winehouse.”

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These Tongs Are Actually an FDA-Approved Vibrator for Men (NSFW)

Who has an anniversary coming up? We do! We’re wondering if we can get our Salad Tong in CyberSkin, or maybe bedazzled with plastic gems? Have they created DoubleTongs yet? Erm…

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May 19, 2011

Easy Living Made Easier

Now Jenny is finally ready to watch TV safely.

by ERTEL GRAY and ANDREW HICKS

If life has taught us anything, it’s this: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. In fact, stay away from horses. In fact, just stay away from any animal that has a better-than-average chance of mauling or trampling you to death. In fact, just stay away from animals altogether. This includes invertebrates and microscopic nuisances.

There’s an easier way to make like Prince and “get through this crazy thing we call life.” If you’re interested in learning how, slide back from the edge of your seat (You could fall!), and listen up:

  • Duct tape couch cushions and pillows around your torso and limbs, and wear a bike helmet everywhere you go. Fashion probably isn’t your friend if you’re reading these words, so why not make safety goal No. 1?
  • Breakfast is the most important meal, yes, but it can also be downright deadly. The solution is to eat soft foods with rounded corners and avoid crispy foods. Blend cereals together if possible. Or, better yet, prepare your cereal weeks in advance, so those crispy, jagged flakes become a gruel-like paste that you can intake easily through a straw. The roof of your mouth will thank you for liberating it from the daily bloody assaults of that sadist seaman Cap’n Crunch.
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February 2, 2011

Not So Good With Women

by Buddah Eskew

I am not very good with women. Even when I undress a woman with my eyes I still have trouble getting the bra unhooked. Although, several women have told me I have a face for porn… but a penis for radio. THANKS ladies.

Some people call me Maurice, even though I specifically told them to call me the gangster of love! A special thanks to Steve Miller for that line. I tried to be all gangster with the chicks but they preferred to call me Gangster-Amish. Buddah, you have no electricity or indoor plumbing. Yeah that is true but my horse has a gold tooth and my buggy has chrome spinner wheels. That’s just how I roll, ladies. I was confused by the whole Gangster-Amish thing. I never knew from day to day if I should wear overalls or baggy pants, straw hat or dew rag, pitch fork or switch blade.

I even stooped as low as date rape a few times, but all that happened is I passed out and women just walked right by me, kind of like when I’m awake. Could one of you girls at least grind a stiletto heel into my back when you step over me? I gotta re-read the instructions on this pill bottle.

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January 28, 2011

Still More Quickies With Buddah

by BUDDAH ESKEW

Do you know why all the king’s horses couldn’t put Humpty back together again? Because horses don’t have medical degrees!

I nearly drowned in my own family gene pool, and I was wearing floaties!

4 out of 5 dentists surveyed say they hate surveys.

I was cut from my high school football team… and it was paper football!

My wife said I needed to masturbate more… until she woke up with her hair in clumps and her eyes matted shut.

This has been Quickies With Buddah. Join us next week for more of the same.

  • Andrew Hicks The Almighty takes his paycheck to the bank… CASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 1:09pm ·
  • Andrew Hicks Robe-and-sandal chic… FASHION OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 1:09pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Andrew Hicks Jesus likes to get all the lumps out of his potatoes… MASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 1:09pm ·
  • Andrew Hicks He turned water into wine and drank it all… TRASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 1:13pm ·
  • Andrew Hicks Divine special order at the medical marijuana dispensary? HASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 1:14pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Andrew Hicks You can only get so much Jesus per day… RATION OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 1:15pm · · 3 peopleLoading…
  • Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter Jesus overcooked his steak. Chewing on that thing is gonna require some GNASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 1:19pm · · 2 peopleLoading…
  • Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter Got a hot Jesus you need to hide until the trail runs cold? Sounds like it’s time for the STASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 1:22pm · · 2 peopleLoading…
  • C.j. Dodd Hope this isn’t your new bit because it’s total garbage. TRASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 1:23pm · · 4 peopleLoading…
  • Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter ‎(Because homonyms are fun)
    I heard Jesus shaved off his beard. Yup, for the time being he’s just going with the STACHIN’ OF THE CHRIST. 

    January 20 at 1:24pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter I do love your word play games Mr. Hicks. It reminds me of the episode of Arrested Development when G.O.B. goes to work for Stan Sitwell. He keeps ratcheting up the idea of Single City until he finally comes up with F*** Mountain.

    January 20 at 1:30pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Andrew Hicks Jeff, it’s not the most brilliant stuff, but it is fun to arrive at a cheap wordplay punchline and then throw a few words of descriptive intro in front of it. Then repeat several times until you run out of easy ones.

    January 20 at 1:41pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Andrew Hicks Also, as an aside — I can’t believe it took me until 2010 to fall in love with the entire run of “Arrested Development.”

    January 20 at 1:42pm ·
  • Stephanie Gardner Stempf What Jesus does to shameless blasphemers like us… The THRASHIN’ of the Christ…

    January 20 at 1:49pm · · 1 personChristopher Trader likes this.
  • Open Mike Mayberry big booty jesus. Kardashian of the christ
    a wild and wonderful jesus of west virginia? appalachian of the christ.
    modernize killing jesus! kalashnikov the christ. 

    January 20 at 2:06pm · · 2 peopleYou and Buddah Eskew like this.
  • Andrew Hicks Vicious scolding on the way… LASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 2:06pm · · 1 personChristopher Trader likes this.
  • Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter I don’t mind the walking on water thing, but I wish he’d stop kicking it in my face. I’m tired of the SPLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST!

    P.S. I resisted the urge to work a water sports joke into this one.

    January 20 at 2:36pm · · 2 peopleLoading…
  • Larry Smith Opening his robe while in public…Flashin’ of the Christ.

    January 20 at 2:42pm · · 4 peopleLoading…
  • Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter He wore that belt with those robes? That’s some serious CLASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 2:44pm · · 2 peopleLoading…
  • Tina Rose ‎:(

    January 20 at 2:47pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter Jesus loves jokes. Seriously, ever talk to a Republican? Pure comedy.

    January 20 at 2:48pm · · 2 peopleLoading…
  • Tina Rose

    i know..fine line i struggle with….
    I’ve been blessed, saved, gotten fresh start more times than I deserve..so……….when family guy, etc..gets into all that, I change the channel.
    loyalty.
    I’d stand up for a friend too! if people were joking..I’d say HEY!!!!!
    bobs a great guy~
    See More
    January 20 at 2:54pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Tina Rose we’re all too blessed to joke.
    i’m grateful, thats all.
    have a good sense of humor too! 

    January 20 at 3:00pm ·
  • Buddy Redman I heard Jesus is representing Galilee in a beauty pageant… SASHIN’ OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 3:04pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Buddy Redman I hear Jesus doesn’t do too well with the ladies… NO ACTION FOR THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 3:06pm · · 1 personChristopher Trader likes this.
  • Buddy Redman JK Jesus is always hooking up…wait for it… PASSION OF THE CHRIST.

    January 20 at 3:21pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter I just got off the phone with Elmer Fudd. He’s really pissed about everyone’s TWASHIN’ OF THE CHWIST.

    January 20 at 3:25pm · · 3 peopleLoading…
  • Jennifer Misiurewicz i got these sweet ass gladiator sandals
    ….FASHION of the christ 

    January 20 at 3:42pm ·
  • Jennifer Misiurewicz why is jeebus always yellin at me….TONGUE LASHIN of the christ

    January 20 at 3:45pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Jennifer Misiurewicz i showed jeebus meh bewbz….the FLASHIN of the christ

    January 20 at 3:48pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Christopher Trader The Jesus I grew up with was all HOOD, always talkin about bustin caps… The BLASSIN of the Christ

    January 20 at 4:06pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Christopher Trader I heard Jesus left Marry Magdeline a little bundle of joy before he took the ascension highway to heaven… Illegitimate Son Of The Christ.

    January 20 at 4:07pm ·
  • Christopher Trader Jesus sides with WikiLeaks, and tells State Secrets… The Treason Of The Christ.

    January 20 at 4:10pm ·
  • Christopher Trader Jesus tried to come to america, but he had to scale a fence and duck the border guards, The Migration Of The Christ.

    January 20 at 4:11pm · · 2 peopleLoading…
  • Christopher Trader I heard Jesus is all about Mario Kart, the Double Dashin of the christ

    January 20 at 4:13pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Christopher Trader I always imagined when Jesus comes back it will be like a Nuclear alarm sounding off, The Claxon Of The Christ.

    January 20 at 4:17pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Jennifer Misiurewicz RELEASE THE KRAKEN

    January 20 at 4:19pm ·
  • Christopher Trader ‎… OF THE CHRIST

    January 20 at 4:20pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Christopher Trader Jesus loves to drive offroad, through snow and on ice and whatnot. I knew he could walk on water, but damn, he can get out of anything in his ride. The Traction Of The Christ.

    January 20 at 4:21pm ·
  • Christopher Trader Jesus was mostly a good kid, but he did get a detention at school once for talking too much about himself in class. The Infraction Of The Christ.

    January 20 at 4:23pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Buddah Eskew Jesus got a D in drivers Ed class….the crashin of the Christ

    January 20 at 5:41pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Buddah Eskew When Jesus created woman he called it gashing of the Christ

    January 20 at 5:43pm ·
  • Buddah Eskew if Jesus took over the body of O.J. that would be, yes the slashin of the Christ

    January 20 at 5:44pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Buddah Eskew we are all going to hell for partaking in this….the kickasshin of the Christ

    January 20 at 5:46pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Buddah Eskew can we bash Jesus lesser known brother now, BeJesus?

    January 20 at 5:48pm · · 1 personLoading…
  • Buddah Eskew WAIT A GODAMN MINUTE, why the hell would Jesus eat at Denny’s? Unless he was shitfaced and it 4 a.m…..carry on

    January 20 at 5:50pm ·
  • C.j. Dodd Mel Gibson made a movie once. CASH-IN OF THE CHRIST.

    22 hours ago ·