Posts tagged ‘Abraham Lincoln’

July 26, 2011

Famous Last Words

by ERIC DOHMAN, WOO and WNF STAFF WRITERS
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"Hurry! Call 911! Act now! Call 911" -Billy Mays

  • “Is that Bubbles?” “No.” “I meant in the syringe.” –Michael Jackson
  • ‎”What the fuck, Brutus?” –Julius Caesar
  • ‎”Maybe I shoulda just eaten that donut.” –Karen Carpenter
  • “Always left, left, left. Let’s see what happens if I go right for a change.” – Dale Earnhardt
  • ‎”Delete all my texts from that black chick.” –Thomas Jefferson
  • ‎”Fuck, I forgot the eyebrows.” –Leonardo DaVinci
  • ‎”I’m on a horse!” –Christopher Reeve
  • “Maybe I was TOO easy?” -Eazy E
  • “Birds. I dedicated my life to a bunch of fucking birds.” –J.J. Audubon
  • ‎”A Tyson fight? I am SO there! Just let me finish this 827 hours of recording time, that’ll in no way fuel rumors that I faked my death by continuing to release CDs posthumously. -Tupac Shakur
  • ‎”If the casket fit… oh… oh shit.” -Johnnie L. Cochran Jr.
  • “O.J., that knife is too big to cut up veggies.” –Nicole Brown Simpson
  • “That white light’s way too small for me to fit through.” –Andre the Giant
  • ‎”I’m still alive, FUCKER!” –Betty White
July 4, 2011

Great Dates in U.S. History

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Paul Revere was the only Founding Father who had his own genie.

1773 – During a fierce intercontinental orgy, Paul Revere first shouts his signature phrase, “The British are coming!”

1776 – Signing day for the Declaration of Independence, and no one brings a pen. An enterprising Edward Papermate sells his first 12 pack of crappy disposables.

1792 – After years of horrible dry-mouthed hangovers, Eli Whitney scraps his original “cotton gin” project.

1812 – Some war is fought that future generations won’t know shit about.

1833 – At Strom Thurmond‘s Super Sweet 16 party, Strom yells at his dad for getting him a Mexican slave as a birthday gift. (“But Dad! I said I wanted a black one! You’re ruining my life! This birthday sucks! I HATE YOU!”)

1863 – One hour after awakening from a wicked bender, Abraham Lincoln is heard to scream, “I freed WHO?!”

1865 – Despite a very promising horoscope, Robert E. Lee realizes today is NOT going to be a good day.

1906Orville and Wilbur Wright each eat five grams of psilocybin mushrooms and REALLY fly.

1929 – America is plunged into a Great Depression. For a decade, America lies on the couch in sweatpants all day and night, with curtains drawn, getting no enjoyment from everyday activity.

1938 – The automobile is given a back seat, leading to a population explosion.

1963Ralph Kramden is arrested for domestic violence after finally sending Alice to the moon.

1969 – While walking on the moon, Neil Armstrong retrieves a dazed Alice and brings her back to Earth.

1981Wham! is formed, and American/British relations become very gay.

1984Nancy Reagan tells America’s youth to “just say no” to drugs, while Ronald Reagan orders the CIA to infiltrate the nation’s ghettos with a shit-ton of crack cocaine.

1985 – No cure for Parkinson’s disease is found.

1989 – Release of comedy classic Look Who’s Talking. We just love that movie. It’s Bruce Willis doing the voice over for a baby — come on, what’s not to love?

‎1995Monica Lewinsky gets private lessons on how to smoke a cigar. With her vagina.

2001Michael J. Fox takes the Delorean back to 1985 to find a cure for Parkinson’s disease.

‎2009 – The socially disturbing documentary Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is released. Virginia, which politely asked West Virginia to leave 150 years ago, now files for a legal separation.

2011 – Comedy website We’re Not Funny celebrates its 200th post on July 5.

CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Eric Dohman, James Draper, Buddah Eskew, Ryan Krause, Saracakes and Lola Tucker

July 3, 2011

Our Favorite Presidents

by ANDREW HICKS and BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Every U.S. president (Not pictured: The black guy)

George W. Bush — Just kidding.

Gerald Ford — You’ve gotta love the fact that this guy never got elected, which means he didn’t have to make promises to voters, corporations or party allies, and he still pissed off a ton of people with all the shit he didn’t get done.

John F. Kennedy — There are five main reasons we love JFK: because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe and because he banged Marilyn Monroe.

William Henry Harrison — Due to the fact that he caught pneumonia at his own inauguration and died a month later, Harrison will forever be known to history as Funniest President Ever. What a joker!

Andrew Jackson — Twenty dolla bill, y’all!

Abraham Lincoln — Freed the slaves so that we may enjoy what is known today as the NBA. Also, Abraham Lincoln was a good old man / He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand / He said, “Excuse me ladies, I’m doin my duty / So pull down your pants, and give me some booty.”*

James Madison — Enforced something called the Non-Intercourse Act, which sounds like a law we would absolutely hate, but Madison’s wife Dolly could make some wicked snack cakes. Bonus!

Richard Nixon — Promptly at 4 pm every day, Nixon had a dainty tea party on the White House lawn with the voices in his head. We like tea, and we LOVE schizophrenics!

Ronald Reagan — His presidential accomplishments sometimes overshadow his body of acting work, but allow us to say: Reagan’s performance in the 1991 surfer crime caper Point Break was a trickle-down of pure brilliance. He shot Keanu Reeves, for chrissakes! And, if you pay close attention, you can spot Reagan in the original Contra game for the NES.

Franklin Roosevelt — In 1932, after a particularly shitty hand in a poker game, FDR jokingly requested a “new deal.” The rest is history.

Teddy Roosevelt — Had a vision of passing a law that would make it punishable by firing squad for any man to walk into a Starbucks and order a Soy Mocha Coconut Frappuccino® Light with non-fat cream and cinnamon sprinkles. You get coffee and bacon, dammit!

William Howard Taft — This dude was like all Three Stooges rolled into one. Lay off the pork rinds, fatty!

Martin Van Buren — Our eighth president only served one term, but sources say he was hung like a Clydesdale.

*Reference 2 Live Crew‘s “Nursery Rhymes”

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Ertel Gray and Woo