Posts tagged ‘Top News’

June 27, 2011

Broken News, June 26, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Ryan Dunn both drunk and speeding @ time of crash

Film recently obtained from MTV Productions, makers of Jackass, shows Dunn just before entering his vehicle for its fated rendezvous, making the statement, ‎”I’m Ryan Dunn, and this is Fatal Crash.”

What a Jackass…

New Android Phone Works Even After Bathing in Sweat

Finally, a phone women can carry around in nature’s holster, the underboob.

Now nothing has to stop for a text or Facebook status update. People will be swexting — having sloppy, sweaty sex, while also texting their buddies about how awesome or lousy it is. Who are we kidding; is sex ever bad for men?

While unable to reach anyone via phone for comment, we did receive a written statement from Sony Ericcson as follows: “Because Apple and iPhone refused to accept that 77% of their market was sweaty overweight men, we have developed the Xperia to cater exclusively to them. We look forward to shaking their clammy, fat hands.”

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January 22, 2011

Woo’s News, Jan. 22, 2011

by Woo

‘American Idol’ gives Fox its best Thursday ratings in 16 years

Fox also received a hand-job from Steven Tyler to score some blow.

Rumour also has it J-Lo and Tyler are hooking up, sources close to the pair indicate Lopez as feeling Steven is the only man alive who could possibly be uglier than Mark Anthony.

Bank of America Posts 4th-Quarter Loss of $1.2 Billion

We’ll have something to say on this subject once we give a fuck!

Larynx transplant restores voice to Central Valley woman

Husband said to be suing hospital and all Doctors involved, as he now can’t get the bitch to shut-up.

Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords leaves Tucson

Too soon? Too soon.

It’s National Hugging Day

National Hugging Day? Sounds like National Free Pass On Sexual Harassment Day.

January 10, 2011

Woo’s News, Jan. 10, 2011

by Woo

Victoria Beckham pregnant with 4th child

I guess when you can bend it like Beckham, baby making is bound to result.

Verizon iPhone to attract 9 to 12 million new US users for Apple

12 Million more anti-social zombies, just what America needs.

John F. Kennedy ‘sex fiend’ TV show pulled in US

Lord knows we have to immortalize the dead in this country. We tried to impeach Clinton, but for you, dead guy, we’ll let it slide…

U.S. Subpoenas Twitter Over WikiLeaks

Just when you thought it was safe to use a service online to toss out witty one-liners about your dinner plans, and how your favorite shirt got ruined. It turns out anyone following @Wikileaks could be subject to a Federal probe. Speaking of probes, bend over and drop those trousers for this one.

Thanks to Ethanol Plant, Cars Using Four Loko for Locomotion

You read that correctly. And no we’re not talking about a dance and song from Ike and Tina Turner. The now banned alcoholic energy drink Four Loko is being converted into fuel for your Suburban, the one with Tap Out bumper stickers all over the back window.