Posts tagged ‘Michael J. Fox’

December 30, 2011

2012 Celebrity Death Picks

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Dick Cheney has one thing to say to the Grim Reaper.

Almost a year ago, I posted my 2011 Celebrity Death Picks. I certainly missed the mark, but don’t ask Liz Taylor. (Liz “famously said, ‘A world without Michael Jackson just isn’t worth living in.’ I agree, so get out!”) There were the obvious misses, like Amy Winehouse, Andy Rooney, Harry Morgan, Betty Ford and even Heavy D. But Randy “Macho Man” Savage? Who saw that coming? And Dr. Jack Kevorkian? May I just say, “Bahahahaha!!!”

Also, Dick Clark still lives. He has proven to be an elusive bastard indeed. I give up, Dick. You will live on forever, even if no one ever understands another word you drool.

So here go my 2012 predictions:

  • Muhammad Ali — All of Ali’s weights are now considered Shake Weights. Even Michael J. Fox has a shot at knocking out the champ.
  • Wilford Brimley — The Cocoon jig is almost up, Willie. We have all bought enough insurance, denture cream and shitty cereal based on your endorsements. Now move over. Dick Van Dyke needs the work.
  • Dolly Parton — Insert “big titty” joke here.
  • Kirk Douglas — Last year, I picked Michael Douglas and blew it big time. Damn you, cancer cures! If I can’t have the son, I’ll take the father.
  • Zsa Zsa Gabor — For chrissakes! She has died three times in the last five years. Can a brother get a decent coroner?
  • Kelsey Grammer — Just a hunch…
  • Fidel Castro — When Fidel drops, my 1959 Castro dictator rookie card will double in value. And to think, the Cubs just hired Fidel as their new hitting coach.
  • Andy Dick — I’m calling it right here! Suicide by April 1st. No fooling.
  • Tito Jackson — Tito is the Frank Stallone of his family. He will never hit more home runs than his brother Reggie or win as many championship rings as his cousin Phil. So I forsee a sporting goods accident around mid-summer. Sleep well, La Toya, you may be up next year.
  • Joan Collins — I masturbated to Dynasty-era Joanie C in the early ’80s. Here’s a clue: Linda Evans in the library with the candlestick.
  • Dick Cheney — Sorry, no hunting accident, just a good ol’ fashioned heart attack.
  • Jerry Lewis — This guy has blown up so big, I swear I saw him floating above the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. Time to pop, Jer.
  • Andy Griffith — My lone holdover from last year. I just know 2012 is his year.
  • Adam West — Holy embalming fluid, Batman! POW!

SIDEBAR NOTE: I was all set with the great, obscure, dark-horse death pick of Francine Hurd Barker of Peaches and Herb fame. I’ll be damned if Francine didn’t one up me in 2005. R.I.P. Peaches.

July 4, 2011

Great Dates in U.S. History

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Paul Revere was the only Founding Father who had his own genie.

1773 – During a fierce intercontinental orgy, Paul Revere first shouts his signature phrase, “The British are coming!”

1776 – Signing day for the Declaration of Independence, and no one brings a pen. An enterprising Edward Papermate sells his first 12 pack of crappy disposables.

1792 – After years of horrible dry-mouthed hangovers, Eli Whitney scraps his original “cotton gin” project.

1812 – Some war is fought that future generations won’t know shit about.

1833 – At Strom Thurmond‘s Super Sweet 16 party, Strom yells at his dad for getting him a Mexican slave as a birthday gift. (“But Dad! I said I wanted a black one! You’re ruining my life! This birthday sucks! I HATE YOU!”)

1863 – One hour after awakening from a wicked bender, Abraham Lincoln is heard to scream, “I freed WHO?!”

1865 – Despite a very promising horoscope, Robert E. Lee realizes today is NOT going to be a good day.

1906Orville and Wilbur Wright each eat five grams of psilocybin mushrooms and REALLY fly.

1929 – America is plunged into a Great Depression. For a decade, America lies on the couch in sweatpants all day and night, with curtains drawn, getting no enjoyment from everyday activity.

1938 – The automobile is given a back seat, leading to a population explosion.

1963Ralph Kramden is arrested for domestic violence after finally sending Alice to the moon.

1969 – While walking on the moon, Neil Armstrong retrieves a dazed Alice and brings her back to Earth.

1981Wham! is formed, and American/British relations become very gay.

1984Nancy Reagan tells America’s youth to “just say no” to drugs, while Ronald Reagan orders the CIA to infiltrate the nation’s ghettos with a shit-ton of crack cocaine.

1985 – No cure for Parkinson’s disease is found.

1989 – Release of comedy classic Look Who’s Talking. We just love that movie. It’s Bruce Willis doing the voice over for a baby — come on, what’s not to love?

‎1995Monica Lewinsky gets private lessons on how to smoke a cigar. With her vagina.

2001Michael J. Fox takes the Delorean back to 1985 to find a cure for Parkinson’s disease.

‎2009 – The socially disturbing documentary Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is released. Virginia, which politely asked West Virginia to leave 150 years ago, now files for a legal separation.

2011 – Comedy website We’re Not Funny celebrates its 200th post on July 5.

CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Eric Dohman, James Draper, Buddah Eskew, Ryan Krause, Saracakes and Lola Tucker

January 15, 2011

2011 Celebrity Death Picks

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS


[EDITOR’S NOTE: News organizations always have obituary files ready to go for celebrities who are nearing the end of the ride. Buddah wanted everyone at We’re Not Funny to put down five bucks or whatever and submit their picks for famous people who wouldn’t make it to see 2012. None of the WNF crew turned in a list, because for one, we’re above that sort of thing. Secondly, we’re too lazy to make lists. The following death picks are for entertainment purposes only. We wish no ill will upon any of the people named below. Except Abe Vigoda. That dude’s got it coming to him. -Andrew Hicks]


 

2011 CELEBRITY DEATH PICKS

ED ASNER — Even Mary Tyler Moore thinks Mr. Grant has overstayed his welcome.

ERNEST BORGNINE — Actually, I think Ernest died in 1997, but his eyebrows are still alive and well.

JIMMY CARTER — Used to con countries out of American hostages; now often overheard saying, “I will die with hammer in hand before I go rescue any more citizens dumb enough to visit third-world shithole countries.”

DICK CLARK — Everyone used to joke about how Dick was preserved in time and would be an eternal teenager. When’s the last time you heard anyone say that? It’s been a rough road for Dick since his stroke. He’s become very difficult to understand, and Dick refuses to relearn the English language on Rosetta Stone due to the software program’s high cost.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS – Men with wives this hot don’t deserve a long life.

MICHAEL J. FOX — Still young and a bit of a shaky pick. What? Go ahead and hate me, I’m used to it.

ANDY GRIFFITH — Have you seen his new commercials? This guy looks so bad that, if Barney Fife were still alive today, he would put that one bullet he carried around in his pocket right into Andy’s temple just to put him out of his misery.

LIL’ WAYNE — Can you say “fatal gunshot wound”?

PENNY MARSHALL – I met her once at a sportscard convention. She’s more out of shape than Buddha, so she won’t be ticking much longer. And, what, you’re surprised I was at a sportscard convention?

KEITH RICHARDS — It’s just time. For the record, I am a big Stones fan.

JERRY STILLER — SERENITY NOW! Go in piece, Mr. Costanza.

ELIZABETH TAYLOR — Famously said, “A world without Michael Jackson just isn’t worth living in.” I agree, so get out!

ABE VIGODA — This dude is so old that first he started to smell like his Barney Miller character, Fish, and now he smells more like a dead fish.

BETTY WHITE — Let’s hope not, but why not go out on top of your game? When Betty passes, I personally will miss her huge tits.