Toy News

by JAMES DRAPER, TONY FYLER and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by JAMES DRAPER

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THIS WEEK’S TOP NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE TOY WORLD

• Fans shocked when Slinky comes out of closet totally straight

• World Champion Memory player loses game somewhere in house

• Panel of small children judges box “better than the toy” for 97th-straight year

• GI Joe takes advantage of DADT repeal, says he’s now free to be himself on front lines

• Mr. Potato Head’s parts stolen; crestfallen kids’ toy left with blank look on face

• Weeble shot in ass, wobbles, falls down

• Teddy Ruxpin confirms worst suspicions, slaughters family while singing happy songs

• Big Wheel has tires chewed up by neighborhood dog, develops traction

• Red Rider production line halted after child shoots eye out with BB gun

• Legos Eggo’d

• Slip ‘n Slide launches “Lay Down ‘n Nap” toy for elderly

• Thomas the Tank: “I’ve always dealt with body image issues”

• Care Bears stop participating in political process