Broken News | 2011 Year-End Review

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

So, here we are at the end of 2011. It’s been quite the eventful year for news coverage, to be sure. I’ve taken a lot of time off from We’re Not Funny to focus on other things, but when Editor-In-Chief-Comedian-Extraordinaire Andrew J. Hicks threw the idea at me to do a year-end news review… well, it just sounded right. So here you go folks, more of the same old snarky, dry jokes you’re used to from me.

Herman Cain suspends presidential campaign after allegations of marital affair and sexual harassment

Herman Cain is a pimp straight out of the old school. The man gets his whole shit busted for all of his infidelity then has the brassnuts to bow out of the race while blaming it on the media figuring out what a swine he is. That’s right. It’s not his fault he can’t keep his Calzone out of some extramarital Deep Dish, it’s the media to blame for finding the sad Train O’ Whores. That’s gangster, son… gangster.

Rapture predicted for May 21st

Another religious nutjob had an end-time prediction. Not just any prediction, but an exact date. Like a good heathen even I know the bible says not even Jesus knows ‘the day nor the hour’ the Big G will come back, but this guy thought he did. This date, of course, passed by with little incident. Well, unless you count the woman who tried to kill her kids and herself to save them all, or the numerous other folks who sold off all they owned or gave it away. Nevermind all that, though, I’m just happy I get another undefined period of time to jack-off to Emma Watson in the first Harry Potter, err… the last one… the LAST Harry Potter.

Lindsay Lohan spends 5 hours in jail for probation violation

Seriously? This made the top news of 2011? Am I on Candid Camera? OK, listen Two-Thousand Eleven, you and I have to talk. You fucked up, you fucked up real bad and I am not happy at all about it. When I made a wish on January 1, 2011 for a talentless coke-whore to die, and a talented coke-whore to find some rehabilitation, this is not at all what I meant. You mixed that shit all up, 2011. Amy Winehouse was supposed to be the one to find some rehabilitation.

Congress passes deal to raise debt ceiling

All seemed well and rational in congress, at first, until John “DJ Boner” Boehner dropped a beat and shouted out “raise ‘da roof, homeslices.” Add to this Michelle Bachmann’s confusion over the issue and it’s easy to see why this passed:

Casey Anthony found guilty of giving false info to law enforcement

Frankly, this one makes me sick. Not for the reasons you are thinking, though. First of all, how many of you were on the Jury of her trial? Yeah, I thought so… All you heard about for two weeks on Social Media sites was this woman. Y’all don’t know that she did or did not do a thing, so what’s with all the trippin’ over it? Seriously, don’t we all have some bills to pay or a book to read or something? And what makes me even more gut-hurt over this? Immediately after the trial you have porn producers trying to get a contract with her for a movie. I mean seriously? Who the hell wants to watch a porn starring a pretty attractive young woman who claims to have been sexually abused as a child and is a possible child-murderer? Who? Tell me who! Wait… who? Eric Dohman? Oh…

Major protests in Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, Greece, Iran…

The Occupy Movement, the getting-off-of-your-ass-and-doing-something-about-it movement for the video game generations. I stand in solidarity with you guys, but I must say, I think you got it mixed up a bit. I understand the thought of targeting the petty bourgeoisie on Wall Street, where they do little to make lots, I do. However, I don’t think that has the impact you could have had with a little more creativity. Like any good Ayn Rand fanatic, the 1% are completely irrational and must bed their married understudies to… wait… no that’s just Ayn Rand. The point I make here is that we should Occupy them where it hurts. Occupy the Mercedes dealership. The Lear jet manufacturer. Realdoll.com. The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Iraq, Afghanistan, or Palestine… wait, no they already have those occupied.

“Harry Potter?”

by ANDREW HICKS

A while back, my wife and I were watching our neighbor’s 2 year old, and he spent most of that time grabbing individual DVDs from the shelf, walking over to me and asking, “Harry Potter?”

ME: No, Ben, that’s 9 1/2 Weeks, Kim Basinger’s smoldering turn in a tale of eroticism and obsession.

He’d toss the DVD, grab another one, present it to me. “Harry Potter?”

ME: Not Harry Potter. That’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, Stanley Kubrick’s metaphorical journey into the spiritual influence of history and time on our universe. It’s letterboxed.

“Harry Potter?”

ME: This one’s called Birth of a Nation, D.W. Giffith’s epic 1915 portrayal of a young American through the Civil War and its aftermath. Griffith’s villains are white actors in blackface, and the Ku Klux Klan rides in to save the day. It won a bunch of awards.

Then the 2 year old asked me what the hell I was doing with a three-hour, century-old racist silent film. I told him it syncs up really well with Public Enemy’s Fear of a Black Planet album when you’re stoned.

Drift and C.J.: The Early Years, Pt. 2

by DRIFT ROBERTS and C.J. DODD

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[EDITOR’S NOTE: The following post was excerpted by myself from comments on a Facebook wall post, in which our protagonists — Drift and C.J. — spontaneously mined their old Xanga and LiveJournal diaries. To read Part 1, click here. –Andrew Hicks]

—

C.J.:[From 2007]

Don’t you just wanna punch everyone in the face when they ask,
“You’re sick? How’d you get sick?”
OH I DUNNO BITCH, MAYBE SOME MICROSCOPIC SHIT HAPPENED THAT I WASN’T AWARE OF?

—

DRIFT: [Online survey question and response.]

Ever… Get drunk? Never, and never will.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Sex on the first date? NO

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Fag.

Ever looked a porn online? Yes, I used to all the time… I’m ashamed of it now…

HAHAHAHAHA.

CJ.: HAHAHAHAAHA

—

C.J.: Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

So, apparently I’m considered an adult now. Cuz I have a “job.” And am “over 18.” And “have 4 children on child support with their whore of a mother.”
And yet you’ll more than likely find me on Glen Oak Playground past 9:00 pm, sitting, chatting with friends or playing tag.
Growing up? It’s just a passing trend.
Maturity? A concept. A laughable one at that.
Dead baby jokes? Yep, still funny.

DRIFT: You there is where I’m at now. Fucking creepy.

Drift and C.J.: The Early Years, Pt. 1

by DRIFT ROBERTS and C.J. DODD

—

Excerpted from comments on a Facebook wall post.

—

DRIFT: I buy non-biodegradable Styrofoam in bulk. I buy so much of it, I can’t use it all and end up burying large portions of it in my backyard, completely unused.

C.J.: You do not, you big fucking fibber. You buy a certain amount of Styrofoam, use said amount, then properly dispose of that amount. Then you go home, get on your Tumblr and blog about your good deed for your three followers to read. Hilariously enough, they’re all members of the Audubon Society.

DRIFT: FUCK YOU THAT’S OFFENSIVE! I DON’T HAVE A TUMBLR.

C.J.: YOU ALSO HAVE A XANGA.

DRIFT: Not since ’06.

C.J.: ‎Wooooow.

DRIFT: HOLY FUCK, IT’S STILL UP! I’m reading the posts. This is embarrassing.

C.J.: Copy and paste your angst for us, please. Also, I’m just as surprised it’s still up.

DRIFT: NOOOOO. Fuck a bunch of that.

C.J.: Come on, Driiiiiift. We want to laaaaaaugh.

DRIFT: Ughhh. I’m talking about getting baptized into the Mormon church. And there’s junior high-era copy-and-pasted AIM conversations. Jesus Christttt.

C.J.: I just checked my private LiveJournal. August 5th, 2005, was the first post about one of my exes. Also, I had a public account before that for years. Oh God.

DRIFT: February 09, 2006 — I’m complaining about my dad not letting me participate in my grade school spelling bee because I was sick. Even going as far as saying, “This is bullcrap.” Powerful words.