This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

• My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.

• Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.

• Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.

• My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”

• I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

• This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.

• Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.

• Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.

• I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.

• If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.

• There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

• I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.

• Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.

• I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.

• I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.

• I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

• At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.

• According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.

• My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.

• My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.

• I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

• I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.

• I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”

• My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.

• A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”

• I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.

• Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?

• I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

• I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.

• The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!

• Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.

• Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

• Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.

• To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.

• Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.

• My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.

• No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.

• My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.

• My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

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[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. -AJH]

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A: Indefinite article. (See also: “Sarah Palin’s Brain.”)

Advertising: A subtle combination of lies, damned lies and statistics.

American football: A good run, ruined.

Axis of Evil: A collective term for the nations of Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Any student of geography or geometry of course knows that these three countries do not form an axis of any kind. If using straight lines, they are at best an Angle of Evil. If curves are allowed into the proposition, they become an Arc of Evil. Both of these more accurate terms, however, were discarded as being insufficiently terrifying.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 6

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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If the J.Miz's Cougar Pops truck is a'rockin', it probably means the nearest high school has let out for the day.

WEDNESDAY

The next time I see cupcakes in a bar, I’m gonna start punching white people.

About to go from living solo to cohabitation. I am beginning to realize the necessity of censoring my flatulence.

My guy friend was saying how awesome the Jedi mind trick would be for getting laid. Then I realized, I have that! It’s called a vagina!

I’m so committed to being a cougar I bought an ice cream truck that only plays “Milkshake” by Kelis.

Sobriety’s made me socially awkward. When I go out I still pretend to drink, I act wasted, and I walk home shamefully the next morning.

TUESDAY

When I see a fat kid with fat parents, I feel bad. I mean, those poor parents are stuck having to love a fat kid!

No matter who you are, what you do or what you think, you do not have haters. You’re not that important. To anyone. That is all.

I’ll know I’ve hit rock bottom when I fuck a ventriloquist, a guy who does impressions or that dude who wanted me to call his cock a “crank.”

My mom is always stealing my lighters. I hate it! And besides, at her age, she should really stop smoking crack.

My cat just pooped on my futon. I was angry until I did some quick math and figured out that, long term, it would be more cost-effective than using kitty litter.

 

APPocalypse Now

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Separate issue: Does the easy availability of stock photographs from Google Image create laziness and unoriginality?

Imagine this scene — a family, all with individual gadgets, is at the dinner table. The father has the paper, the mother is looking at a television in the living room, the son is playing a Nintendo DS, and the daughter is texting her best friend. Lines are drawn, and as their heads move, the lines follow. No one is making eye contact.

And then something horrifying happens: a baby cries, and the mother nonchalantly walks into the bedroom where Shrek is rolling end credits, picks the baby up and brings little Timothy into the kitchen. She totally forgot him!

This is a nuclear family’s by-numbers delusional progress via “family time.” A boy who sleeps for 16 hours a day, never has had a girlfriend and never leaves the house. A girl who misses her soulmate because she is too busy texting her best friend about how horrible her day was, complaining that no one pays attention to her. A father who has had the same an office job for 17 years and never gotten a promotion because of his fear of responsibility. And a mother who does the bare minimum of parenting because her mother took care of the first two while she was in high school.

People, this is one of my greatest fears. We have reached an age in which iPhone applications fill the void of life but consume our ability to imagine.

How Not To Internet Date, 15 Feb. 2011

by Michelle Dee

Being a girl on a social networking site you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter what your relationship status. I found so much humor in this that I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

leftyboy:
hi im Glenn

leftyboy:
good morn sweety i just read ur profile n it seems we r interested in some the same things hit me up if u wanna talk but b4 5 cuz i gotta worl btw im Glenn

Michelle Dee:
did you read the part where I hate text speech?

leftyboy:
yes i did wat u saying want a phone number lol!

Michelle Dee:
No I’m saying I like words to be spelled out or to translate foryou”No i’m saying I like wordz 2 b spelt out.”

leftyboy:
ok im sorry i got ya im a lil new at this whole dating site thing

Michelle Dee:
the dating site has nothing to do with one’s cognitive functions;)

leftyboy:
ok smarty pants i said ill type full words for you laugh out loud!