Posts tagged ‘Elton John’

September 3, 2011

Song Challenge 19: Adult-Contemporary Guilty Pleasures

edited by ANDREW HICKS

Chicago's "Look Away" video: Hot chick. Fiery explosion. Still somehow boring.

ANDREW HICKS
Okay, I’ll go first. One of my guiltiest of guilty pleasures is Chicago‘s “Look Away.” It’s a Diane Warren song, even (that lady has written some of the worst pop ballads of all-time and become a billionaire in the process), and I love its maudlin gaudiness. The video, on the other hand, looks like an awful version of the depressing first half of a Folgers commercial with pyrotechnics tossed in.

ANNE GARDNER
What does “adult contemporary” mean exactly? Music that appeals to adults or music made by adults? Or both?

ERIC DOHMAN
Any music where you can replace the word “baby” with “Jesus” and it still sounds like it fits.

T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER
The narrowed-down definition would be: music by people our age for people our age. However, you can look at “past adult contemporary” music as well, which was music for peers in that time period. Think of softer, more R+B-driven non-bubblegum pop. Michael Bolton, Kenny G, Amy Grant‘s secular stuff, Elton John, Billy Joel, etc.”

ERIC DOHMAN
“Look away, Jesus, look away…

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July 18, 2011

WNF 101

You've found it! We're Not Funny, a comedy blog written by a group of writers, comedians and friends. We have nearly 300 original comedy posts here. To begin reading and enjoying, click the logo on the top of this page.

So you’re new to reading the WNF website? Or you want to revisit a favorite old  post? Here are a few quick ones to consider:

WNF Beers

Eight new parody beer labels from the WNF Macrobrewery.

Catching Up With the Caught

“To Catch a Predator: Where Are They Now? Edition”

12 Words Come Out of Closet

SOHO, NEW YORK — A dozen English language words, ranging from the commonly used “Under” and “Pitcher” to the more obscure “Catcher” and “Obscure,” stood onstage together at a press conference Monday to announce that they are gay.

Klan Kalls It Kwits

With membership down, the KKK re-brands its image.

Cleanup in Aisle 6

Ever view your trip through the supermarket checkout lane as your five minutes to perform for a captive audience of one?

Paired Facebook Likes

When you click “like” on two different Facebook pages, Facebook runs an announcement on your friends’ newsfeeds, with those items listed as a pair. (EX. Andrew Hicks likes Obesity and Big Macs.”) These are some classic actual examples.

My 5 Most Abused Forms of Alcohol

WNF co-founder and editor in chief Andrew Hicks, who spent a decade as a monster lush, looks back on his time spent with beer, wine, vodka, whiskey and tequila, in that order.

Know Your WNFer

Get to know the founders and senior contributors of We’re Not Funny, some of whom are no longer with us. (By which we mean, they left the group. They’re not dead. That we know of.)

June 7, 2011

Reg Strikes Back

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

An epic battle is waged between Ertel and his supposed twin at a convenience store that is very, very blue.

Ever have a friend come up to you and say, “Man, you look EXACTLY like ______ who works at _______”? My buddy recently told me there was a dude at a Sunoco convenience store who was my twin. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me who in his right mind would want to look like me. Was it a lack-of-self-respect thing? Did this other me not realize I already had the market cornered on the disheveled, night-fry-cook-at-Denny’s look?

Totally off the subject, but a waiter once remarked to me that I look a lot like “an older Elton John.” An older Elton? That fucker’s like 65. I left the dude a .000001% tip, which was less than a penny, so I actually left him a rudely worded IOU instead of a tip. However, in honor of the Tiny Dancer himself, I’m going to name my nameless body double “Reg,” which was Elton’s nickname before he was Elton.

In my head, I kept hearing the phrase, “You look just like____” until it consumed me. I started having visions of Highlander-style epic sword battles with my doppelganger*. So, after a sensible breakfast, some impromptu sword training courtesy of Nintendo Wii tennis, and a bagged lunch of various condiment packages I stole from Wendy’s, I had to drive to the Sunoco store to meet Reg.

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May 3, 2011

Osama: Hole In The Turban Edition

Funniest thing about this photo? The apostrophe is in the wrong place, and it means "Got them," not "Got him." Oh, America...

by BUDDAH ESKEW and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Breaking news from the We’re Not Funny Washington bureau and every corner of Facebook — well, okay, it’s old news now — Osama bin Laden is dead, and every male in America is growing a freedom stache.

Not to editorialize, but doesn’t it seem a little un-American for us to have gone in and murdered this guy in front of his family, and not broadcast it via satellite? The networks could’ve charge triple their Super Bowl rates for a quick commercial in between the first and second gunshots.

They took Osama by surprise. He was minding his own business, watching Kirstie Alley waddle-waltz on “Dancing With the Stars” and drinking a Miller Lilililililight at the time of the CIA attack.

After his death, bin Laden expected to join 72 virgins in heaven. Osama, sorry man, Charlie Sheen deflowered all six dozen of them before they made it to the pearly Caucasian gates. It was a popular Heidi Fleiss off-menu whore special in 1991.

Osama, look, your virgins weren’t virgins, and you’re in hell now. On the plus side, you do get to listen to the obscure Winger B-side “Seventy Two Virgins” at top volume on drive thru speakers for all eternity. The guitar solo has been cut out, too. Nothing but screaming vocals and off-rhythm drums in Hades.

Poor Osama expected to be top dog in hell, too, but now he’s sharing an unairconditioned camp cabin with Hitler, and 50 bucks says Adolph gets the top bunk.

Elton John expressed interest in singing at Osama’s funeral (“And it seemed to me you lived your life / Like an airplane-turned-projectile-missile in the wind”), but the U.S. government had already given the jackass (Osama, not Elton) a traditional Islamic burial at sea. All the more reason not to drink the water in Mexico.

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March 21, 2011

3DSC, Day 6: Song you’re embarassed to admit you know all the words to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 6: SONG YOU’RE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO

Prince swears he's "all about the clam."

J.MIZ
Where should I begin? I pretty much have the entire Grease soundtrack memorized. I was motherfuckin Sandra Dee. Not only did I have that double-album gem on vinyl, I had two copies. Yes, two. No idea why. They both played fine. And nobody’s ever questioned it.

SARA J ROSE
Went out last night and was surprised I knew so many words to “Pussy Control” by Prince. I should have known the marriage wasn’t going to work out when I found out the guy liked Prince so much.

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sadly, “Mandy,” by Barry Manilow, although this nugget helped me write an inappropriate Michael J. Fox joke.

J.MIZ
I love “Copacabana.” Wait, I meant cabana boys. Never mind.

DRIFT ROBERTS
What “song”? Try the entire discography of Tom Petty, KISS, Boston, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, The Who, CCR, Deep Purple, Genesis, Talking Heads, Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, Dylan, Queen, Jethro Tull, Rainbow, T.Rex, Simon and Garfunkel, Beatles, Yes, Fleetwood Mac, Doors, Stevie Wonder, David Bowie, AC/DC, Wings, Rush, Devo, Alice Cooper, Van Halen, Zappa, Elton John, Steely Dan, BOC, Van Morrison, Kinks, Cars, Judas Priest, Janis Joplin, Thin Lizzy, Uriah Heep, ZZ Top, Montrose, UFO, Boston, Cheap Trick, Joan Jett, Heart, Kansas and Warren Zevon. I’m 18. I should be spending my time getting laid and underage drinking, not being Buddah’s music buddy.

BUDDAH ESKEW
I got your “music buddy.” Pink Floyd?! Zep?! Them’s fighting words! You forgot Aerofuckinsmith!

DRIFT ROBERTS
Who’s Aerosmith?? (Hah! Gotcha!)

J.MIZ
Oh em gee… *hands Drift some pussy, then wonders if he and Buddah were any other kind of “buddies” since Buddah once warned me to be gentle with Drift*

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March 12, 2011

Shoulda Died Young: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
So Elton John was seriously a genius for the first half of the ’70s. Then he put out the godawful “Crocodile Rock,” became a cartoon character, started writing almost exclusively for cartoon characters, almost went bankrupt because he spends some stupid amount on fresh flowers and now is just an aged celebrity more famous for being out of the closet than anything he’s actually done over the last 15 to 20 years.

ANDREW HICKS
That gets me thinking, who are some pop culture stars who would’ve had more respectable careers had they died early? Would Gallagher have become a revered cult comedian had he been assassinated in 1985?

BUDDAH ESKEW
I thought Gallagher drowned in a freak melon juice accident in 2002.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I think a lot of rock stars will fit under here. Does anyone revere anything the Rolling Stones or The Who have put out in the last 30 years? Those are pretty easy targets, though.

ANDREW HICKS
I think “Beast of Burden” is 31 years old, so you’re probably right.

Brando, after he should've been long-dead

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’m gonna go with Marlon Brando. By the time he went toes up, he was just a crazy fat man who spent the majority of his time on his private island. Let’s say he actually died during the making of Apocalypse Now. Sure he’d be remembered as being a bit strange, but that would be far, far outweighed by his career as an actor. On top of that, Apocalypse Now (which already has a mythic quality to it) goes to a whole new level in the history of film.

LINDSAY HARTLEY
Michael Jackson. I woulda loved to have seen one of the mommas of the little boys he touched just slit his throat.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
MJ is another way-too-easy target, though. If I’m going pop stars of the ’80s, I’d say Madonna. I know Ray of Light and Music are solid works, but what if she had died in 1989 after putting out Like a Prayer? She goes out with possibly her most ambitious album and becomes the <a href="John Cazale of pop music. More importantly if she croaks in 1989, she avoids all the drama of Dennis Rodman, Jose Canseco and Alex Rodriguez. The Kabbalah nonsense never comes up. Her marriage to Guy Ritchie and the subsequently horrid film Swept Away never happen. No one makes any jokes about how muscled up she’s become.

ANDREW HICKS
A Madonna who dies in 1989 is still a Madonna who starred in Shanghai Surprise.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Well… no career is perfect. Except John Cazale’s, as he can’t help that Francis Ford Coppola raped his corpse by putting footage of him into Godfather III.

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January 29, 2011

Rock Hate: Buddah’s List

[EDITOR’S NOTE: We thank Buddah for inspiring Saturday’s post, “Music Hate: A WNF Free-For-All,” after he shared with us this list of his picks for the crappiest of the crappy rock songs.  –Andrew Hicks]


12 Most-Hated Rock Songs

by BUDDAH ESKEW

B-52s — LOVE SHACK
I don’t even know if this qualifies as rock music. No wonder people get drunk and throw up at weddings.

BEATLES – YELLOW SUBMARINE
Hippie stoners meet preschool melody. Reminds me of the Sponge Bob theme song. For the record, I have a Mafia hit on the creators of Sponge Fucking Bob.

BILLY JOEL — WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE
The first white bitch since Deborah Harry to attempt rap music. Billy should be prison raped by Elton John for this garbage.

JANIS JOPLIN — ME AND BOBBY McGEE
Did Janis die too young? I don’t think so. And I believe she was on my 1970 Celebrity Death List.

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