This Week in J.Miz, Volume 17

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Helen Keller and the Miracle Worker in black used to play a fun game where the Miracle Worker would breathe into Helen's face, and Helen would determine exactly what the Miracle Worker ate for breakfast that morning.

“I ain’t no holla back girl!” -Helen Keller

Awhile back, somebody gave me some Fire & Ice enhancing lube. In those days, we called it “the clap.”

Money can’t buy you love, but you can buy it for yourself.

Every time I type “fucking” into my cellphone, it asks if I mean “sucking.” How THE HELL does it know I’m on my period?

I never trust a guy with a Kings of Leon ringtone.

Some men find me a little too crass. In all honesty, that’s a pretty fair assessment. I expect it. From a pussy.

Opinions are like assholes — sometimes there’s sucking involved.

I LOVE the feel of a warm body next to me as I sleep. But the downside is, it never lasts. They start smelling if you don’t ice them down.

I never trust a guy in a jean shirt.

I recently reconnected with my little cousin, thanks to the Internet. FUCK YOU, RESTRAINING ORDER! I WIN!

My boyfriend asked if I think about him when I masturbate. Honestly, I do. Then I work at replacing that image with something effective.

Isn’t kinda weird when a really hot person has a totally ugly sibling? I mean, MY brother’s totally cute…

I never trust a guy who “rocks” any article of clothing.

I am the only person who didn’t have to get me drunk to fuck me. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t.

Whenever life has my eyes down and head hanging, I say to myself, “HOLY FUCK, I HAVE A NICE RACK!” Then I go use it to get some free shit.

I never trust a guy with an “amazing” dip recipe.

Home on a Friday night with laundry to do and cat shit to clean. If that doesn’t scream MANIACAL MASTURBATION FEST, then nothing does.

I never trust a guy with food allergies.

NO amount of chocolate could take away the fact that right now, in my apartment, there is ABSOLUTELY no chocolate.

I’ve left several of my last few jobs due to sexual harrassment. Isn’t anyone into that anymore? I miss feeling pretty at work.

I never trust a guy with vanity plates.

I propose in an attempt to reduce food waste, that first-world countries fine, incarcerate and euthanize the bulimic. You hold it down, OR YOU PAY!

I think it’s a travesty that Drake is the only one with balls enough to address the fake booty epidemic.

There are guys out there who have no idea how to treat a nice girl. So I date them.

I never understood how a person with a communicable disease could still be considered communicable. I mean, nobody hangs out with Pink Eye Penny to begin with.

White people will continue to lose my respect as long as they leave their house with a wet head and wear shorts with a winter coat.

You ever have one of those days you needed somebody to fuck the self-esteem back into you?

Took a long hot shower and decided to shave. R.I.P. Yeti Leg.

My Android suggested the word “Klingon” in a text today. I didn’t plan on using it, but it fit perfectly. Well played, Klingons.

Byron Allen is the Bryant Gumbel of comedy.

I never trust a guy who calls his mother “Mother.”

I’m 37. Guys can pretty much approach sex with me like a baker would a preheated oven.

A guy friend took me out for drinks, thinking I’d fuck him. It never happened, though. I had WAY too many gin and platonics.

This black dude just told me I look like Debra Winger. Huh?! Guess they do it too.

I never trust a guy who misses having a ponytail.

Why do people have to complain about kids wearing their pants hanging off their asses. Doesn’t gravity already hate their pants enough?

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