Posts tagged ‘Lil’ Wayne’

December 21, 2011

Shout-Outs

by BRANDON STOKES
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Brandon Stokes

  • Shout-outs to George Jefferson’s wife AND Lil’ Wayne, for having the same voice but being two completely different Weezys.
  • Shout-out to that Lil’ Wayne CD you keep stashed, just in case you have to give your black friend a ride home.
  • Shout-out to guys who tell chicks they’ll eat their butts in text messages.
  • Shout-out to Southpole and FUBU for keeping wiggas PIMPED OUT LIKE A HOMIE G DAWG!
  • Shout-out to every time you want to say, “That shit’s racist!” but you’re not quite sure.
  • Shout-out to black people who aren’t afraid of eating fried chicken in front of white people.
  • Shout-out to everyone that couldn’t find the pussy from doggystyle when they lost their virginity… or was that just me?
  • Shout-out to Flavor Flav for getting famous with Public Enemy instead of just being that one stupid nigga from the news.
  • Shout-out to YouTube for letting the closet racists vent.
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November 10, 2011

Andrew vs. J.Miz: Heavy D Is Sinbad

by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ

From L to R: KRS-One, Scotty Pippin, Guy, Ralph Tresvant, "Sinbad," Montell Jordan, Bill Bellamy, Malcolm X, Skee-Lo, Heavy D.

ANDREW: In 1998, I made a bet with a friend that Heavy D and Sinbad were the same person. If Sinbad shows up at Heavy D’s funeral, I’m screwed.

J.MIZ: Today is Sinbad’s birthday. Irony? Or IS IT?! HES BACK, YO! And, as for determining the winner of said bet, I’m gonna go with marijuana winning that one.

ANDREW: It’d be cool if half of Heavy D could reincarnate into half of Sinbad. Imagine all those marginally funny jokes contained in all those marginally appealing rap songs.

J.MIZ: Or if they were both in the same body and had a predeliction for punching the opposing side. I’d pay top fucking dollar to see that slugfest.

ANDREW: I picture C+C Music Factory‘s Freedom Williams showing up to referee that event.

J.MIZ: Yeah! Or the fat dude from X Clan. And I’m pretty sure E-40 is the guy from P.M. Dawn.

ANDREW: I’m pretty sure Ray J is the other guy from P.M. Dawn. Which means Kim Kardashian fucked at least half of P.M. Dawn.

J.MIZ: Isnt Kardashian that Susanna chick from The Bangles with butt implants?

ANDREW: That really butch Bangle is Uncle Kracker.

J.MIZ: But didn’t Uncle Kracker turn into Bubba Sparxxx just before becoming Paul Wall? I’m pretty sure…

ANDREW: She was definitely the busiest Bangle.

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August 31, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 12

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Coroner?"

  • Fuck trial and error! I want trial and success! Like when I’m shopping on sample day, and I get to taste a delicious new bacon or sausage product.
  • It’s gotten to the point that, under “marital status,” I write in “I HAVE A CAT.”
  • I once fucked a guy with the same name as my dad. It was SO weird hooking up with a guy named Dad.
  • My resolution for 2012 is to be wined and dined instead of nickle-and-dimed.
  • While impressed with strippers who can” make it clap”, I won’t be totally awed until they can make that shit speak American Sign Language.
  • Have you ever just listened carefully, stopped and wondered: WHAT THE FUCK IS R. KELLY TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!
  • If I rape a clown, THEN is it funny?
  • Sometimes I celebrate my whiteness. Like now. I’m enjoying a Fresca. Immensely.
  • “YO MTV VMA’S! IMMA LETCHOO FINISH, BUT….” –Beyonce’s fetus
  • I just passed a 13-year-old kid on a bike who was singing “Sweet Caroline.” I hate that fucking kid.
  • I just heard that Gary Coleman STILL isn’t buried. I’m CONVINCED it’s because he refuses to go any lower.
  • I hate being judged for being in my late 30s and owning a cat. It’s pretty unfair to skip over all my other dysfunctional qualities.
  • Screen captchas make me feel like I’m taking a field sobriety test.
  • My boyfriend’s idea of romance is holding hands. While I suck his dick.
  • Every guy who’s known me intimately has truly loved my insides.
  • I just got a piece of my vag caught in my zipper. Thank GOD there’s more where THAT came from.
  • Somebody as tall as me just asked me to reach something for them. HOLY FUCK! These pajamas give me SUPER HEIGHT!
  • GOD! I sure wish I had some candy right now! #ShitYouDontSayToAGuyWithAVan
  • I feel extremely white when I listen to Tom Petty. Even if Lil Wayne drops a remix with him, this will never change.
  • When a guy is being creepy to me via the Internet, 9 times out of 10, he’s a foreigner. Good job keeping the sterotypes alive, “buddy.”
  • You ever have an uncontrollable urge to fuck one of your friends? Cuz otherwise it’s a waste of all that raw GHB?
  • You ever wish you were back in high school? You know, so sex wasn’t so illegal anymore?
  • If I had a dollar for every time anyone said, “I didn’t know you were so smart.” Then I’d be rich, and they’d say, “I didn’t know you were so rich.”
  • I was excited to get invited to a dating sight for faithful singles. But it was Black People Meet. WIn or loss??? YOU decide!
  • I need the hip-hop community to come up with some new synonyms for my fat girl jokes.
  • I was always so grateful I wasnt one of those girls whose cousin took them to prom. THANKS Jacob Howell, Christian youth camp counselor!
  • Since I’m home alone, I’m eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese. I’m home alone because I sit at home alone eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese.
  • I SWORE I just heard a “house phone” ring in here. Either I’m stroking out, it’s the 80’s, or Jesus is coming.
  • I think most guys like dogs better because they know you can’t turn a cat lady into a housewife.
  • Legalizing prostitution would NOT increase jobs, it would DECREASE “rental assistance.”
  • Whenever my best friend is in a pinch for babysitters, I help by calling around to see who can get there the fastest from Watchtower.
  • I’m writing a book on how today’s society stalks above the law. You reading this, retweeting or responding saves me a shit-ton of research.
  • Walking home from high school in a Catholic school uniform was OBVIOUSLY a horrible idea. Rape should be more “surprisey.”
  • In high school, my nickname was “Hoover.” Don’t go thinking it was code for anything. It just came from me giving a lot of blowjobs.
  • I’ve tricked a LOT of guys into giving me oral with a little game I like to call Just The Lip.
  • I grew up in a very open family. Or at least that’s how my dad described it to his brother while discussing my mom.
  • My black friend laughed at my last name being a Scantron nightmare. But he empathized with the frustration of it just never fitting.
  • The minute than men can start paying for pussy, I’m FUCKED.
  • I had a HORRIBLE time remembering my ex’s birthday, because I was so busy loving the idea of his death.
  • I am EXTREMELY horrible at forgetting I forgave you.
  • There is nothing more disappointing than bad sex, aside from the guy NOT crying when you tell him.
  • I was asked to bring a headshot to an audition. I’m new to all this, I was a bit hurt they didn’t like the donkey punch porn my ex and I made.
  • ‎Every time I go down my stairs, I almost slip and fall on the same step. I’m CONVINCED it’s a ghost. And questioning if it’s that fifth of vodka.
  • It’s nights like this I totally understand crack addiction. Sucking dick for a piece of toast with cinnamon sugar sounds fair to me.
  • I’m cool with my boyfriend choking me during sex, just not so much when I’m sleeping.
  • The good thing about bed bugs is that you ALWAYS have something to snuggle.
  • My Pandora station is playing a whole lot of I Was Raped As a Little Boy songs. This makes me REALLY question what my brother’s up to.
  • One does not have to be humiliated in order to attain humility.
  • My boyfriend takes me to see all the rejumps of the ’80s and ’90s movies. So sex isn’t the ONLY thing I fall asleep in the middle of.
  • My boyfriend HATES it when I don’t say I love you. But I totally understand. Because sometimes I hate him.
  • People are often amazed that I eat what I want and stay thin. When they ask me my secret, I tell them. LOTS of cardio and vomiting.
  • I’m listening to Lil Wayne’s “Gonorrhea” and wondering if he knew how to spell and treat it, not just transmit it.
  • The weirdest thing about sleeping alone tonite is that feeling of “HOLY SHIT! I TOTALLY didn’t just fuck somebody!”
July 18, 2011

WNF 101

You've found it! We're Not Funny, a comedy blog written by a group of writers, comedians and friends. We have nearly 300 original comedy posts here. To begin reading and enjoying, click the logo on the top of this page.

So you’re new to reading the WNF website? Or you want to revisit a favorite old  post? Here are a few quick ones to consider:

WNF Beers

Eight new parody beer labels from the WNF Macrobrewery.

Catching Up With the Caught

“To Catch a Predator: Where Are They Now? Edition”

12 Words Come Out of Closet

SOHO, NEW YORK — A dozen English language words, ranging from the commonly used “Under” and “Pitcher” to the more obscure “Catcher” and “Obscure,” stood onstage together at a press conference Monday to announce that they are gay.

Klan Kalls It Kwits

With membership down, the KKK re-brands its image.

Cleanup in Aisle 6

Ever view your trip through the supermarket checkout lane as your five minutes to perform for a captive audience of one?

Paired Facebook Likes

When you click “like” on two different Facebook pages, Facebook runs an announcement on your friends’ newsfeeds, with those items listed as a pair. (EX. Andrew Hicks likes Obesity and Big Macs.”) These are some classic actual examples.

My 5 Most Abused Forms of Alcohol

WNF co-founder and editor in chief Andrew Hicks, who spent a decade as a monster lush, looks back on his time spent with beer, wine, vodka, whiskey and tequila, in that order.

Know Your WNFer

Get to know the founders and senior contributors of We’re Not Funny, some of whom are no longer with us. (By which we mean, they left the group. They’re not dead. That we know of.)

June 22, 2011

More Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • This season's trendy sheep costume for wolves includes fully functioning facial features and 400-threadcount Egyptian cotton.

    When life gives you lemons, rub one out and take a nap.

  • A wolf in sheep’s clothing should not be feared. Rather, it should be revered as nature’s most fabulous tranny.
  • Every cloud has a silver lining that will turn your neck green.
  • It’s only after walking a mile in another man’s shoes that you can truly realize, that guy’s a prick!
  • Two in the bush is worth one in the stink.
  • There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but most are illegal except in the Appalachians.
  • It takes a village to run a brothel.
  • When you wish upon a star, God kills a kitten somewhere in Iowa.
  • The straw that broke the camel’s back was a fat woman named Enid from Queens.
  • “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean,” is a stone cold lie.
  • Music calms the glowsticked raver.
  • The family that prays together is not that different from Jonestown.
  • Man cannot live on meth alone.
  • “See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil,” is why good hookers are expensive.
  • Tomorrow is a new day for life to kick you square in the dick.
  • Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course you’re a cannibal.
  • The first step is admitting that you’re powerless over assholes and need to find new friends.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try roofies and KY.
  • Time waits for no man, and sadly some men don’t wait for you to cum.
  • Certainty? In this world, nothing is certain but HPV and porn.
  • Putting all your eggs in one basket is basically what goes on with Mormons and the British monarchy.
  • All that glitters can be found in Lil Wayne’s closet.
  • Love thy brother as thyself. Dutch Rudders do not make you gay.
  • Spare the rod and spoil the woman, because dildos are so much better.
  • Don’t count your chickens before you make an omelette.
  • Where two or more are gathered in my name, that is a J.Miz fan club.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Read the original “Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz” here.

January 15, 2011

2011 Celebrity Death Picks

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS


[EDITOR’S NOTE: News organizations always have obituary files ready to go for celebrities who are nearing the end of the ride. Buddah wanted everyone at We’re Not Funny to put down five bucks or whatever and submit their picks for famous people who wouldn’t make it to see 2012. None of the WNF crew turned in a list, because for one, we’re above that sort of thing. Secondly, we’re too lazy to make lists. The following death picks are for entertainment purposes only. We wish no ill will upon any of the people named below. Except Abe Vigoda. That dude’s got it coming to him. -Andrew Hicks]


 

2011 CELEBRITY DEATH PICKS

ED ASNER — Even Mary Tyler Moore thinks Mr. Grant has overstayed his welcome.

ERNEST BORGNINE — Actually, I think Ernest died in 1997, but his eyebrows are still alive and well.

JIMMY CARTER — Used to con countries out of American hostages; now often overheard saying, “I will die with hammer in hand before I go rescue any more citizens dumb enough to visit third-world shithole countries.”

DICK CLARK — Everyone used to joke about how Dick was preserved in time and would be an eternal teenager. When’s the last time you heard anyone say that? It’s been a rough road for Dick since his stroke. He’s become very difficult to understand, and Dick refuses to relearn the English language on Rosetta Stone due to the software program’s high cost.

MICHAEL DOUGLAS – Men with wives this hot don’t deserve a long life.

MICHAEL J. FOX — Still young and a bit of a shaky pick. What? Go ahead and hate me, I’m used to it.

ANDY GRIFFITH — Have you seen his new commercials? This guy looks so bad that, if Barney Fife were still alive today, he would put that one bullet he carried around in his pocket right into Andy’s temple just to put him out of his misery.

LIL’ WAYNE — Can you say “fatal gunshot wound”?

PENNY MARSHALL – I met her once at a sportscard convention. She’s more out of shape than Buddha, so she won’t be ticking much longer. And, what, you’re surprised I was at a sportscard convention?

KEITH RICHARDS — It’s just time. For the record, I am a big Stones fan.

JERRY STILLER — SERENITY NOW! Go in piece, Mr. Costanza.

ELIZABETH TAYLOR — Famously said, “A world without Michael Jackson just isn’t worth living in.” I agree, so get out!

ABE VIGODA — This dude is so old that first he started to smell like his Barney Miller character, Fish, and now he smells more like a dead fish.

BETTY WHITE — Let’s hope not, but why not go out on top of your game? When Betty passes, I personally will miss her huge tits.

December 31, 2010

2010: Year in Review

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

Pop a bottle of champagne. Shoot a gun in the air. Enjoy the lousy, unseasonably warm Smarch weather. And look back with us on 2010 in the news, entertainment and sports.

The BP Oil Spill catapulted almost five million barrels of oil into the Persian Gulf. The images were haunting and made us want to drink more black coffee. Since the oil spill, we at WNF stopped meticulously separating our recycling. Everything goes straight into the landfill now. At 162,000 barrels spilled per day, we figured there was no number of empty aluminum cans of Diet Ruby Red Squirt we could recycle to make up for it. It is our policy at WNF, when presented with a seemingly insurmountable challenge, to give up immediately.

The BP oil rig explosion that led to the spill happened on 4/20. It is purely coincidental that WNF senior staff was vacationing in Louisiana at the time and bragging to all our new Creole friends about the “giant underwater bong” we were going to “go put a torch to.”

Republicans took back a number of seats in the midterm elections. Christine O’Donnell insisted she was not a witch. We insisted, “It’d be a lot cooler if you were.”

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