Editing and artwork by CHRISTOPHER WOO
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Contributors: T. Allan Christopher, Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks
An Anything Goes Comedic Adventure
Editing and artwork by CHRISTOPHER WOO
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Contributors: T. Allan Christopher, Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks
sudeep: hi
sudeep: how ru
MichelleDee: Hi! I’m Bart Simpson! Who the hell are you?
sudeep_mtec: where ru forom
sudeep_mtec: this is sudeep
MichelleDee: i don’t know sudeep
sudeep: ur soooooooooo beautiful
sudeep: plz rememeber me
MichelleDee: nope, no clue
sudeep: why ur hating food
MichelleDee: i dunno
sudeep: ur sooo beautiful friend
MichelleDee: thanks
sudeep: do u have web cam now
MichelleDee: yes
sudeep: can i see u on web cam friend’
MichelleDee: no
sudeep: ur soooo ooooooooooooooooooo cute friend
MichelleDee: so you said
sudeep: what do u do friend
MichelleDee: I DON’T cam with strange men
sudeep: i mean ur soooo beautiful
MichelleDee: ‘ya… you said that
sudeep: what do u do
sudeep: where ru from?
MichelleDee: You call me friend and you don’t know?
MichelleDee: shouldn’t a friend know things like that?
sudeep: give me ur phone number
MichelleDee: LOLz
MichelleDee: no
MichelleDee: who the hell are you?
sudeep: hello friend ur good name plz
MichelleDee: i’m not your friend
MichelleDee: I like to fart
sudeep: friend this is sudeep from india
MichelleDee: do you fart?
sudeep: no mam
MichelleDee: liar
MichelleDee: everyone farts
sudeep: noooo im not a liar promise
MichelleDee: but you are
MichelleDee: everyone farts
MichelleDee: if you eat… you fart
sudeep: before one year im chating
MichelleDee: I just farted
MichelleDee: it was loud
MichelleDee: scared my cat
sudeep: noo friend im not a lier im true friend
MichelleDee: do you fart?
sudeep: plz
MichelleDee: answer me
sudeep: no
MichelleDee: LIAR!
sudeep: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
MichelleDee: YES!
sudeep: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
MichelleDee: you eat do you not?
sudeep: noooooooooooooooooo im not a liat
sudeep: yes
sudeep: eat
MichelleDee: then your stomache produces gases that must then be released from your ass! EVERYONE FARTS!
MichelleDee: those who claim not to fart are LIARS!
sudeep: nooooooooooooooo friend im not aliar
MichelleDee: then you fart!
MichelleDee: TELL ME THE TRUTH!
sudeep: im ur friend that is true
MichelleDee: tell me you FART
sudeep: before one year im chating
MichelleDee: you are NOT my friend. you LIE!
sudeep: nooo mam im not a lier
MichelleDee: DO
MichelleDee: YOU
MichelleDee: FART?
sudeep: that is true”
sudeep: fart?
MichelleDee: yes!
MichelleDee: release gas from your rear end!
sudeep: noooooo
MichelleDee: LIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
sudeep: nio im not alier
MichelleDee: LIAR!
sudeep: u know im from india
MichelleDee: liar liar pants on fire cuz you FARTED and I lit that shit!
edited by ANDREW HICKS
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ANDREW HICKS
Okay, I’ll go first. One of my guiltiest of guilty pleasures is Chicago‘s “Look Away.” It’s a Diane Warren song, even (that lady has written some of the worst pop ballads of all-time and become a billionaire in the process), and I love its maudlin gaudiness. The video, on the other hand, looks like an awful version of the depressing first half of a Folgers commercial with pyrotechnics tossed in.
ANNE GARDNER
What does “adult contemporary” mean exactly? Music that appeals to adults or music made by adults? Or both?
ERIC DOHMAN
Any music where you can replace the word “baby” with “Jesus” and it still sounds like it fits.
T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER
The narrowed-down definition would be: music by people our age for people our age. However, you can look at “past adult contemporary” music as well, which was music for peers in that time period. Think of softer, more R+B-driven non-bubblegum pop. Michael Bolton, Kenny G, Amy Grant‘s secular stuff, Elton John, Billy Joel, etc.”
ERIC DOHMAN
“Look away, Jesus, look away…
by ANDREW HICKS
We’re closing in on our 250th post, with 9+ months of near-daily fresh comedy under our collective belt. And now we finally own WereNotFunny.com, for at least the next year or two. So what better time to acquaint yourself with the WNF Crew? In-depth individual profiles and a multipart Ken Burns PBS documentary to follow.
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WE’RE NOT FUNNY STAFF LIST
ANDREW HICKS — Editor-in-Chief/Co-Founder
It’s not so weird that I’m writing about myself right now. I’ve been writing about myself online in one form or another since 1995. I blogged the Year in the Life of a Nerd journals before the term “blogger” existed. Then I went and got drunk for like 10 years. Then I went and met my beautiful wife and had a couple beautiful kids. Got sober, started writing again and, for the first time, got myself an ensemble of Midwest comics, essayists and regular old bantering friends and friends of friends. Started organizing and editing our various words and ideas into blog posts.
REQUIRED READING: Love Letter to Phil Collins
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T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER — Associate Editor/Co-Founder
T. Allan, to quote the Wu Tang Clan, is “the Osiris of this shit.” No sooner had I said, “I wonder if we could get some people together and start a site where we post daily solo pieces or group conversation highlightsor whatever the F we want,” than TAC set about getting a site up and running, for us to play around with. T. Allan is an active administrative and creative presence in our Facebook material-gathering groups, he takes care of a post or two a week for me, and every now and then we get him to write us a full solo piece, when he’s not busy working on this blog or this blog. As an aside, T. Allan Christopher has formerly written under the pseudonym Woo.
REQUIRED READING: Haiku News
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J.MIZ — Creative Coordinator/Co-Founder
I’d been on Facebook for about two months when I noticed J.Miz leaving astoundingly funny top-of-her-head comments on a mutual friend’s statuses. I sent her a friend request, we started bantering, and immediately there was a symbiosis of humor, mischievous fun and shared cultural references. Facebook got five times more entertaining when I met J.Miz. Once Woo, J.Miz and I got together, the comic chemistry was intense and immediate. Keep in mind, J.Miz had never considered writing comedy or really thought she was funny. Now she constructs and spits out jokes like a one-woman one-liner factory on Twitter. She’s given our writing group all kinds of concepts and premises to work from, and she’s helped me out of more than one creative jam. J.Miz has also brought WNF a healthy handful of like-minded contributors, and she’s proven effective at squeezing solo pieces out of existing contributors.
REQUIRED READING: WTF Facebook Friends
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TONY FYLER — Twitter Editor/Senior Contributor
Fyler is a fiercely intelligent, incisively witty writer from Great Britain or Wales or Ireland or something. His areas of interest include politics, theology (particularly, lack of) and the occasional off-the-wall food, sex or miscellaneous sociological joke. Oh, and he also fronted the money for our WereNotFunny.com domain, after I procrastinated and made excuses about being broke. Fyler’s not getting a penny of that $19 back, either.
REQUIRED READING: Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century
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MICHELLE DEE — Facebook Fan Page Editor/Senior Contributor
Mrs. Woo has been around since the beginning and has possibly posted more WNF links to Facebook than anyone on this list. Around 28 percent of times the “share” button is clicked on Facebook, Michelle Dee is the culprit. Michelle recruited WNF staple contributors Fyler, Allison Stein and Eve Ventrella. She also runs our Facebook fan page, so next time you see the word “afraid” spelled with two F’s in your news feed, address your letter of complaint to Michelle Dee. Who will write you back within three business days with the one-word response, “Haytchoo” and an ASCII-text middle finger.
ಠ_ಠ
Required Reading: Possession 101
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ERIC DOHMAN — Senior Contributor
Dohman distinguished himself in the WNF group immediately upon being discovered and added by J.Miz. Not everyone knows how to take Eric, and others think he traffics too heavily in dick and poop jokes. To me, Dohman is a solid, insightful, even innovative comic voice on most every topic he touches. High brow, medium brow, low brow and lower brow. Dohman also has graphic skills and has come through with the (still too few) image assignments we’ve given him. “But Andrew,” you say, “I thought you steal all your art straight from Google Image.” Well, that’s mostly true, but we’re gonna lean on Dohman more and more heavily in the very near future. He just doesn’t know it yet.
REQUIRED READING: Santorum Shit Bags
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ANNE GARDNER — Senior Contributor
Anne is a lady whose path I crossed briefly at the age of 18 and reunited with thanks to the magic of Facebook. She’d leave a sarcastic comment here or there on my statuses, and when WNF came into being, I invited her into the group. A.G. has maintained a presence ever since, contributing one-liners to group pieces and writing her own solo articles. And she has an infant at home and everything.
REQUIRED READING: Facebook-Baked Glee
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ERTEL GRAY — Senior Contributor
I found Ertel via Facebook one day while bored and searching for an old Dana Carvey SNL sketch called “Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual.” Ertel had posted the video on his wall at some point. I friended him on the basis of that alone, but I had no idea how completely and instantaneously Ertel would fit in with the WNF Crew. Funny dude, Ertel Gray, and I think he knows even more obscure ’80s and ’90s pop culture than even I do.
REQUIRED READING: Reg Strikes Back
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PAUL LAO — Senior Contributor
Paul lives in California, so we almost always publish whatever he sends us.
REQUIRED READING: 9 Demons of the College House Party
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There are a dozen other current contributors I rely on for material. Many of them are Illinois comedians — Andrew Cline, C.J. Dodd, James Draper, Scotty Harris, Ryan Krause, Probably Matt Linville, K.B. Marion, Drift Roberts, Saracakes (who also spent many hours legitimizing WNF’s Twitter feed) and Emily Toops. Another, Lola Tucker, joined our ranks after reading and enjoying the WNF blog.
Two others — Buddah Eskew and Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter — are no longer writing for We’re Not Funny but have some great stuff scattered throughout our archives. I also want to thank Saracakes for her many hours of work editing and posting to our Twitter feed.
I want to thank everyone mentioned above for loaning us some of their time and creativity. And thank YOU for reading.
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The London rioters have pointed to prejudice and poverty as reasons for their actions. They then laughed maniacally and set more buildings ablaze. We hear the rioters are so pissed they might even set sail for new lands and build their own nation.
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We think of this story as a very sad reality, and yet, a fucking amazing premise for a sitcom. Something along the lines of “Three’s A Crowd.” Every week there would be wacky struggle to keep the women from knowing the other exists. Perhaps a Mr. Furley-type nosy neighbor as well.
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While picking up your cheap vodka and box of condoms, and thinking about the hooker you having waiting out in the car, purchasing a quick HMO or PPO might not be such a bad thing. Although you may be tempted by insignificant health insurance impulse-buy add-ons while you wait to check out. Really, though, Walgreens will be selling insurance? Isn’t that a bit like your heroin dealer opening a rehab?
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We are coming after you, rich swindling-ass muthafuckas! Taking advantage of everyday people’s decency. We will bring you to justice by mob rule. But we have to do the laundry first. Man, does that shit pile up quick.
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She’s from Iowa, is a congresswomen in Minnesota, and one of her favorite books is about how the South was in the right in the Civil War? Keep up the state pride, Michelle.
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Get Your Child to Like Veggies Before Birth
Women who fellated their spouses regularly seemed to produce cock-hungry teenagers. Some connection seems to have been made between the use of plastics in sex toys, and the desire for oily fried foods. Perhaps the consideration of using a cucumber in place of a dildo during pregnancy should be strongly considered, given this new evidence.
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It would be awesome, since it’s Alaska, if it was just an endless geyser of Orange Julius.
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Contributors: Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks, Eve Ventrella, Eric Dohman, J. Miz, Ertel Gray, Scotty Harris
Jesus Jonas
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CONTRIBUTORS: Justin Crouch, Michelle Dee, Eric Dohman, Tony Fyler, Andrew Hicks, Eve Ventrella and Woo
edited by ANDREW HICKS
by ERIC DOHMAN, WOO and WNF STAFF WRITERS
edited by ANDREW HICKS
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Facebook – Share the stuff you care about with people you mostly don’t.
Facebook – When the world needs to know you’ve farted, accept no substitute!
Facebook – Yep, I still have only one black friend.
Facebook – Porn intermission.
Facebook – Accidentally letting your boss know you think he’s a douche has never been easier.
Facebook – Proving one good profile pic can make any woman popular.
Facebook – Where attention seeking mothers come to ignore their kids.
Facebook – Dear stalkers: You’re welcome.
Facebook – Where you can pretend you have 400 friends.
Facebook – Check out these ugly people’s ugly kids!
Facebook – It’s on the computer, so it looks like you’re working!
Facebook – Answering the question, “Whose birthday can I not give a shit about today?”
Facebook – Where socially anxious people can still be social.
Facebook – Completely obsolete since 2013.
by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO
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Film recently obtained from MTV Productions, makers of Jackass, shows Dunn just before entering his vehicle for its fated rendezvous, making the statement, ”I’m Ryan Dunn, and this is Fatal Crash.”
What a Jackass…
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Finally, a phone women can carry around in nature’s holster, the underboob.
Now nothing has to stop for a text or Facebook status update. People will be swexting — having sloppy, sweaty sex, while also texting their buddies about how awesome or lousy it is. Who are we kidding; is sex ever bad for men?
While unable to reach anyone via phone for comment, we did receive a written statement from Sony Ericcson as follows: “Because Apple and iPhone refused to accept that 77% of their market was sweaty overweight men, we have developed the Xperia to cater exclusively to them. We look forward to shaking their clammy, fat hands.”
by ALLISON STEIN and THE WOMEN OF WNF
edited by ANDREW HICKS
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Dear 16-year-old self:
By MICHELLE DEE
Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the ones below. Please, enjoy the outcome!
This week we have three short pieces for you! Keep in mind, some guys are just morons right out of the gate, and the conversation never gets going.
RandyCool: HI…… howz u doing…. send me you conatct detailz… my ya…hoo id is… ravianXXX_99…….. talk to u soon…..
Michelle Dee: I’mz doinz wellz. Am Iz uzin my Z’s properly? Iz don’t givez outz personal informationz untilz Iz knowz you better. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
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Exception: Hi
Michelle Dee: Exception to what?
Exception: noone fits what you are looking for, except me Lol:)))
Michelle Dee: What can you offer that no one else can?
*crickets*
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fclock2: In STL tonight ….wanna cuddle tonight?
Michelle Dee: Ummm… no?
fclock2: Really …cute boy willing to do anything :)
Michelle Dee: oh desperate AND creepy!
fclock2: Yikes …nevermind then
by MICHELLE DEE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO
I have seen a lot of hoopla about Judgment Day approaching on 5/21, and it got me thinking, What would happen if all the world’s true believers disappeared on this day? Lucky for me, I’d be around to see it!
Everyone knows I’d miss the Rapture, but there’d be some surprise heathens in my midst — President Obama and the entire on-air team at Fox News. I’m pretty sure Obama is a closeted atheist, because what Christian fights for the right of those with no religion? And the Fox News team pretends to be extreme right-wing, but it’s an obviously an act for ratings. They would be left behind in the Judgment Day disappearances, but their viewership would vanish from existence.
The only “crazy conservatives” in the public eye who truly believe the diarrhea coming out of their mouths are Fred “God Hates Everyone But Us” Phelps and his family. They would be taken in the 5/21 Rapture. Sure, they rub many of us the wrong way, but they are true overachievers for Jesus.
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