Archive for ‘Woops! Someone forgot to categorize!’

March 10, 2011

Vag-a-Bond

A TASTEFUL J.MIZ DISCUSSION
edited by ANDREW HICKS


J.MIZ
Riding in the car with my brother, and he’s flipping radio stations. His moment of resignation unfortunately came from a station that went from Luda to Ke$ha. HALP! Think I have a brain bleed ):

ANDREW J HICKS
Speaking of Ke$ha, you can’t spell “vagabond” without “vag.”

J.MIZ
You can’t spell “dick” without… “dick.”
Why did my brain just create a combo of Gold Bond/denture cream for pussy?! “Vag-a-Bond! Keeps you fresh AND reduces slippage by sealing your vag tight as the day you were born! Vag-a-Bond!”
Testimonial: “I’m wearing it right now!”
Cue salsa music and two 70-somethings dancing in Puerto Rico… “Oy vey, I need a nap…” VAG-A-BOND!

ANDREW J HICKS
I dunno. Maybe I’m just biased against 70-year-old vaginas.

J.MIZ
Hey man, don’t knock 70-year-old vag till ya try it! Especially with all the strides in vagiplasty! On my 40th birthday, I’m going in for a “preteen” nip and tuck!
“Yeah, she’s forty, but she has the pussy of a ten year old!” says my future husband/celebrity pedo. And by “celebrity,” I mean he’s had a sit-down with Chris Hansen. He was the one with the four pack of purple Four Loko and the red vines. He gets out in 2013! Can’t wait! Excite! (:
And Andrew, there comes a time when you must choose between 70-year-old cooch and 70- year-old balls! WHAT DO YOU DO?!
“In a world… where all genitalia is 70… there is one man, and one man only… who will fight to renew the junk of this post-apocalyptic world… This man is THE TAINT MASTER! He alone can bring youth to a cold, dead world’s nether regions!”
Starring Bruce Campbell as Andrew P Keaton.
Jus so you know, J.Miz had the best junk discussion today!

ANDREW J HICKS
It’s Ke$ha. Say what you will about her, but she really gets us ordinary Americans talking about elderly junk like no recording artist since maybe Grace Jones.

J.MIZ
She’s sooooo young, but she has the puss of the Crypt Keeper! Ah heh heh he heh!

February 21, 2011

Top 5 Biggest Wastes of Resources in Recent History

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

5. CELEBRITY POLITICIANS

Knows what's best for you.

As if we need to add more drama to politics, endless actors feel it necessary to literally broadcast their opinions.  These opinions are inevitably laced with uninformed, fruity bullshit and are always overly dramatic. Last October, for example, Rob Reiner called everyone who didn’t support certain social changes and additions “Nazis.” Seriously?

So, because I don’t want to endlessly support some good-for-nothing leech through welfare and/or healthcare, who incidentally also begs me to trade his food stamps for cash at my local grocery store (yeah, pretty sure I already paid for those with my tax money, sport), then uses any cash he gleans from some poor schmuck on drugs, cigarettes, alcohol and cell phone minutes to call the baby momma he’s not supporting, MY character and political view are now comparable to those of a 1940s fascist dictator who wanted to wipe an entire race off the face of the planet just for shits? Yeah. Thanks for trying, but, no.

Really, Rob, shut the fuck up. When these dummies weigh in on our political climate and certain hot-topic issues, I enjoy their performance of their actual jobs a little bit less. They should just stick to what they know: acting, directing, performing, writing, collecting sick amounts of money at my expense (although not at my tax expense, thank Christ), and snorting amounts of coke worth enough to rebuild Haiti from its next disaster.

4. THE TIGER WOODS [or insert most recent celebrity here] AFFAIR

I. Don’t. Get it. What the fuck happened to a celebrity’s right to cheat? Okay, now, I know he’s a public figure with lots of little children who look up to him and want to be just like Tiger someday, but really, what the hell is going on here? We take a sick amount of interest in the private lives of our celebrities but then are genuinely amazed when one them does something that, oh my God, is just like every other celebrity.

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January 29, 2011

Rock Hate: Buddah’s List

[EDITOR’S NOTE: We thank Buddah for inspiring Saturday’s post, “Music Hate: A WNF Free-For-All,” after he shared with us this list of his picks for the crappiest of the crappy rock songs.  –Andrew Hicks]


12 Most-Hated Rock Songs

by BUDDAH ESKEW

B-52s — LOVE SHACK
I don’t even know if this qualifies as rock music. No wonder people get drunk and throw up at weddings.

BEATLES – YELLOW SUBMARINE
Hippie stoners meet preschool melody. Reminds me of the Sponge Bob theme song. For the record, I have a Mafia hit on the creators of Sponge Fucking Bob.

BILLY JOEL — WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE
The first white bitch since Deborah Harry to attempt rap music. Billy should be prison raped by Elton John for this garbage.

JANIS JOPLIN — ME AND BOBBY McGEE
Did Janis die too young? I don’t think so. And I believe she was on my 1970 Celebrity Death List.

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