What’s That Sucking Sound?

edited by ANDREW J HICKS

According to Lola Tucker, a little plastic surgery isn't a bad thing. (NOT PICTURED: Lola Tucker, a little plastic surgery.)

Recently, while out and about, I heard a lady mention that she’d had liposuction on her waist and hips. I was surprised. She had always been a very attractive woman with a knockout figure.

Now, I should point out, I’m not anti-cosmetic surgery by nature. Of course, I don’t like people who take it so far that they begin to look like a Madam Tussauds Wax Museum figure, with skin so tight their eyebrows are hidden in their hairline. But a little plastic surgery here and there is cool.

I wouldn’t mind a little Restalyn or perhaps some Juvaderm. My upper lip is starting to resemble that of a woman who has been smoking for 30 years. I’ve never even picked up a cigarette.

I had breast reduction surgery. To this day, I can say without hesitation it was the best decision I ever made. And not just because I was worried about my back failing under the weight of my 38DDs. I reduced my boobs purely for vanity’s sake. Let’s face it, there is absolutely nothing attractive about a rack that enters a room several seconds before the rest of this 5’3″ frame strolls in. After my surgery, men started to look me in the eye.

Alas though, poor Bill… My husband is a “boob” man, and now he’s got a wife with tiny (albeit perky) boobs. He keeps threatening to buy those 38DDs back and reinstall them. I keep telling him he needs to become a leg/ass man, but I don’t know if a dude can change teams when the game is this far in progress.

But liposuction? That’s the one procedure that conjures up some really horrible images for me. I’ve talked to people who have had this procedure, and apparently what happens over time is, the fat you had sucked off one part of your body will appear in another area entirely. This is not an urban legend, I swear. I have anecdotal evidence.

So let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you have liposuction on your stomach. Does that mean you’ll eventually grow a butt as big as Kim Kardashian or Jennifer Lopez? Maybe, but what if the fat comes back, let’s say, around your neck, and you look like you have goiter for the rest of your life? I like scarves and all, but that would be a tough one to cover up.

Or what if you have liposuction on your thighs, and the fat comes back on your arms, and you look like you have curtain valances instead of well-toned triceps? Worse yet, it could come back around your ankles, then you’ll have a flat belly with cankles down below.

Think about it — there are worse places to have a little cushion than around your fanny or tummy. My fear of lipo has helped me develop a happy relationship with my “pooch.” And I’ve worn the crap out of some Spanx.

It sucks to grow old for a lot of reasons, not all related to physical attractiveness: memory loss, poorer eyesight and the inability to sneeze or laugh without wetting your pants. Wrinkles? They definitely suck, and I work hard to ward them off by whatever method necessary. But you know what? Eventually, they come, and you realize it will be okay.

I don’t want to look like I’m 20 again. Hell, I still had acne at 20. I’ll settle for looking ten years younger than my age. I’ll be 47 in February, but last week a gentleman guessed that I was in my late-30s. I was so elated I nearly kissed him. Really, what more could I ask for at this point in my life? And when I’m 60, and someone tells me I look 50? Hell, I’ll be REALLY happy about that. Fifty may seem a bit old now, but someday I will look back with great fondness and remember how young 50 really was.

The goal for this girl is to grow old gracefully, with a twinkle in my eye and a cocktail in my hand. I’ll take a bit of help here and there and I will still work to “maintain the buffet,” but in the end, I want to be appreciated not only for who I was years ago, but for who I am right here, right now.

And that, folks, is the lesson in growing old. Time can either drag you along with it, kicking and screaming, or you can dance alongside it and enjoy every moment. I choose to dance.

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