Posts tagged ‘Heroin’

July 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 8

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz will watch your brown baby for half-price, but he has to bring his own smokes.

  • I’m often told to think before I talk by people who talk.
  • I prefer casual sex. Formal sex is way too uptight.
  • This 5-year-old kid just offered me a dollar for ONE cigarette. I was speechless when I thought about how DISGUSTING my profitability index was going to be.
  • My favorite part of summer is when the stores put their racks outside for sidewalk steals.
  • Vegans are incapable of having beef with anyone.
  • My second favorite sex position is called the Don’t Be Boring.
  • I was going to have a yard sale for some extra cash, but it seemed too much like share cropping.
  • I stand up against the ideals of Hitler one hair coloring and spray tan at a time.
  • I wish I could remember what my friend said heroin is like. But I was WAY too distracted by the crack I was smoking at the time.
July 6, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

  • My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.
  • Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.
  • Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.
  • My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”
  • I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

  • This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.
  • Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.
  • Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.
  • I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.
  • If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.
  • There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

  • I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.
  • Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.
  • I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.
  • I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.
  • I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

  • At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.
  • According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.
  • My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.
  • My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.
  • I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

  • I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.
  • I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”
  • My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.
  • A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”
  • I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.
  • Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?
  • I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

  • I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.
  • The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!
  • Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.
  • Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

  • Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.
  • To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.
  • Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.
  • My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.
  • No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.
  • My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.
  • My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!
June 23, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Favorite Tune About Drugs and/or Alcohol

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

"Ever since he started listening to The Velvet Underground, Jesus steals all my good heroin."

JESSICA STIMSON
Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw,” by Jimmy Buffett. Because, really, what more is there to say?

ANDREW J HICKS
If it was me, the song would be called “Why Don’t We Get To That Fine-Line BAC Level Where You Don’t Look Ugly Anymore But My Dick Still Works (And, At That Point, Have Some Sex).”

JESSICA STIMSON
Same difference. You callin’ me ugly?

ANDREW J HICKS
You callin’ me a drunk?

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Split Lip Rayfield‘s “A Little More Cocaine, Please” shows a measure of polite society one isn’t accustomed to seeing in your standard coke fiend.

ERTEL GRAY
Gonna go out on a limb here, but how about “Heroin” by The Velvet Underground? I feel sorry for today’s bands — all the good drugs already have a famous song named after them. All anyone can do now is pen a soft and somber tune about the horrors of caffeine addiction.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
The Velvet Underground has two more overt heroin songs — “I’m Waiting For the Man” and “Run, Run, Run” — and another one about amphetamines (“White Light/White Heat“). They also have quite a few songs about cross-dressers and transvestites. I love this band.

WOO
Smile Empty Soul said it best: “I do it for the drugs / I do it just to feel alive / I do it for the love / That I get from the bottom of a bottle.” Just beautiful. What a grand song for an opioid enjoyer like me.

ANDREW J HICKS
Woo, when’s the next party at your house?

SCOTTY HARRIS
Fuck all y’all and your pro-drug songs — “That Smell” by Lynyrd Skynyrd takes the cake.

ANDREW J HICKS
I think the song is actually called “Thyt Smyll.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I know it’s lame to admit liking anything from Cypress Hill, but I give them kudos for their sample of Dusty Springfield‘s “Son of a Preacher Man” on their tune “Hits from the Bong.” I saw them at Lollapalooza and Smokin’ Grooves. They actually roll out a giant, smoke-spewing bong onstage for that song. Can’t say they aren’t showmen.

EMILY TOOPS
Trotter’s right. I know it’s shameful to openly and unabashedly enjoy Cypress Hill, but “Dr. Greenthumb” has an incredibly sick beat. And, of course, Bob Dylan‘s “Rainy Day Women No. 12 & 35 (Everybody Must Get Stoned).” Hearing Dylan’s abrasive-ass voice for any period of time makes you wanna toke up.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
The lyrics to “Feel Good Hit of the Summer” by Queens of the Stone Age are nothing but a roll call of drugs, repeated over and over. (“Nicotine, Valium, Vicodin, Marijuana, Ecstasy and Alcohol.”) Then the chorus is “C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cocaine.” Also repeated over and over. It’s songs like this that make me think I could be a competent lyricist.

J.MIZ
I’m a big fan of “Daisy Chain for Satan” by My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult. I LIVE FOR DRUGS! I’M THE WHITE RABBIT! And Curtis Mayfield‘s “Pusherman” from the Superfly soundtrack always makes me wish I was rockin’ a long body and slangin’ that smack.

RYAN KRAUSE
Check out these lyrics from “Crazed Country Rebel” by Hank Williams III: “I was trippin’ on some acid a Latino gave to me / I was smoking morphine till it knocked me off my feet / Then I scored some ‘H’ from my old Uncle Pete / Now I’m startin’ to feel like I might’ve OD’d.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
All you guys are wrong. The best drug song ever is a 112-way tie between every song released by Afroman.

December 26, 2010

Facebook Withdrawal

by Woo

I recently decided to take a week off of Facebook. Sometimes you just get so used to things that they don’t offer you the same high anymore. I think there’s some science behind that, but I’m no Botanist.

This is my Diary of A Week With Facebook Withdrawal:

Day 1. Hard not to think about the Facebook. I look at the calouses on my fingers from so much Facebook over the years. I feel regret for these scars, but I know if I could just get a hit of Facebook I would no longer care.

Day 2. Rocking back and forth in my chair, with knees tucked to chest. My every thought and conversation are chronoligical, from bottom to top. My soul is leaving hurtful comments on my heart. “Give up you loser, you need a hit of Facebook. 4 minutes ago.”

Day 3. Restless, and still reeling from the addiction. Everywhere I look, the TV, other websites, the sandwich I made for lunch, I want to find a “Like” to click.

I’ve developed a case of priapism. I knew this could happen with withdrawl, but who ever heard of a 9 hour boner for laying off the Facebook? Worse yet, since my dick isn’t actually on my friends list, I feel it would be dirty to have relations with it.

Day 4. I can’t stop scratching all over. It feels like my blood is itching. I’ve broken the skin in so many places, but no relief. Not even drinking an entire bottle of Calimine Lotion helped.

Day 5. The itching is gone. Humor is coming back to me. I can’t manage to actually laugh though. When something strikes me, all I can do is utter, “L.O.L.” and “L.M.A.O.”

Day 6. Offered the neighbor fellatio for 5 minutes on his computer with Facebook. I never thought my life would be this way. In my youth I swore I’d never do the hard stuff. Never be an addict. Now here I am, trying to wash the cock taste out of my mouth with White Vinegar, Windex, and MySpace.

Day 7. Waking up with nightmares and nightsweats. When I try to talk, I can say what I want, but whoever I am talking to doesn’t hear it. I figured out it’s because it was never commented. I wrote “Comment” on my left nipple, and as long as I tap that after a statement I can make conversation. It’s all very Tourette’s.

Now that the week has passed, I’ve run a Facebook spike directly into my left arm. It flows right into my veins, giving me highs with renewed vigor. My digital god, i’ll never again forsake you!