Broken News, July 25, 2011

compiled and edited by WOO

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Amy Winehouse found dead in her London home

Found in the early morning, the person finding her was reportedly calling, “♫ Amy Amy Aaaaamy ♫”, but received no response. The smell of her rapidly decomposing career is said to have led to the discovery. Long known for her usage of cocaine, her last words were reportedly recorded in her home studio as, “♫ They try ta make me go to Rehab, but I said noooo noooo *croak* ♫.” Courtney Love, known for similar habits, tweeted: “Pshh… what an amateur! #Winehouse.”

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These Tongs Are Actually an FDA-Approved Vibrator for Men (NSFW)

Who has an anniversary coming up? We do! We’re wondering if we can get our Salad Tong in CyberSkin, or maybe bedazzled with plastic gems? Have they created DoubleTongs yet? Erm…

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Lindsay Lohan Back in Court

Sources close to Ms. Lohan tell us, “Lindsay was unaware table-dancing and glory-hole queen were not counted towards days of community service.”

In our round-table discussion regarding this article, we mostly agreed none of us would procreate with Lindsay Lohan, even if we were using YOUR penis. A few detractors believed Lindsay’s character in Mean Girls to be quite hot, but our resident poet responded with this:

“I would not fuck her Sam I am. I would not stick it in her clam. I would not could not at any age. I would not could not for any wage. I would not fuck her in her can. I would not fuck her, pale or tan. I would not fuck her and leave a necklace of pearls, I wouldn’t even fuck her character from Mean Girls.”

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Obama Certifies End to Ban on Gays in Military

This week President Obama ends the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy initiated in the Clinton-era. Gay soldiers are now free be asked, or tell, all they wish. They are also free to make statements like, “Oh noooo! I just broke a nail on my rocket launcher!” and “We’re here! We’re queer! We have M-16’s!”

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Woman accused of beating son for not going to church

Neighbors report the woman as screaming, ‎”You’re gonna go ta church <thwap> and you’re gonna <thwap> like it <thwap> god damnit! <thwap>” She was released after police determined that, indeed, beating your children into submission on Sundays for church-related reasons was on the books in Georgia, and 7 other southern states.

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University of Illinois cancels aviation program

Apparently there were not enough young Saudi immigrants to keep the program aloft.

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Contributors: Eve Ventrella, Woo, Eric Dohman, Ertel Gray, Anne Gardner

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