Archive for ‘Politics’

October 19, 2011

Get The Fuck Off Wall Street!

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

You want to hit corporations where it hurts? Make your own protest signs instead of buying the protest signs sold at Walmart.

Let’s be absolutely clear on one point – non-violent direct action is a truly kickass idea. It’s changed the world time and time and time again. It’s effective, it’s community-building and, if you do it right, it has the double-edged effect of making the forces of oppression absolutely livid while also ensuring they have no effective way of dealing with their lividity.

In essence, the key to great non-violent direct action is not so much using your opponent’s strength against him as it is making him so furious his head explodes, while you sing “Kumbayah” and eat quiche.
But let’s be clear about one other point, while we’re here. Non-violent direct passivity is just plain dull.

There seems to be a strain of really earnest hippie thinking at work in 21st century protest that makes me think the people doing the protesting haven’t actually read the manual. I mean, everything’s “plug and play” these days, so why bother with a manual, right? Your iProtest should just… work.

It’s as if these neo-hippies have seen pictures of protests from days gone by, and they think just showing up is pretty much enough to topple governments. Or change laws. Or suddenly make shitty people be just a smidgen less shitty to everybody who isn’t them.

Point of order: If the Boston Tea Party had been run in this new manner, the revolutionaries would have arrived, chanted their slogans about taxation and representation and yadda yadda yadda, and been shot stone dead, leaving the British to get on with their busy day of evil fuckery.

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October 13, 2011

Woo Stands Erect In Solidarity With Occupy Wall Street

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

October 6, 2011

Lesser-Known 2012 Presidential Candidates

Editing and artwork by CHRISTOPHER WOO

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Contributors: T. Allan Christopher, Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks

September 19, 2011

Haiku News, 19 September 2011

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

It's 'policy' when you take from the poor to keep the rich happy. It's 'warfare' when you take money from a millionaire who will still be a millionaire afterwards.

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Republicans Call Obama’s Tax Plan ‘Class Warfare’

Kill the middle class.
And then call the Kettle black.
Neo-Con trash Pots.

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New England faces possible pumpkin shortage

A Pumpkin shortage?
I bet it’s Peter. Peter
Damn Pumpkin Eater.

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Windows 8: What you need to know

Same as Win 7
with a fugly Start Menu.
The future is here.

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PlayStation Network Updates Protect Sony from Lawsuits

You can’t sue Sony.
I did not know my console
was an H.M.O.

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Exclusive: Lohan ‘Distressed’ By Bad Girl Reports

Left Rehab today.
Interview held in Night Club.
Don’t call me ‘Bad Girl.’

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US gamers crack puzzle in AIDS research that stumped scientists for years

Three-Hundred Fifty.
Is not only Gamer weight,
but I.Q. as well!

August 15, 2011

Broken News, August 15, 2011

compiled and edited by WOO

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London rioters point to poverty and prejudice

The London rioters have pointed to prejudice and poverty as reasons for their actions. They then laughed maniacally and set more buildings ablaze. We hear the rioters are so pissed they might even set sail for new lands and build their own nation.

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Man Locks Wife in Basement for 8 Years (Keeps Girlfriend Upstairs)

We think of this story as a very sad reality, and yet, a fucking amazing premise for a sitcom. Something along the lines of “Three’s A Crowd.” Every week there would be wacky struggle to keep the women from knowing the other exists. Perhaps a Mr. Furley-type nosy neighbor as well.

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Walgreens to sell health insurance

While picking up your cheap vodka and box of condoms, and thinking about the hooker you having waiting out in the car, purchasing a quick HMO or PPO might not be such a bad thing. Although you may be tempted by insignificant health insurance impulse-buy add-ons while you wait to check out. Really, though, Walgreens will be selling insurance? Isn’t that a bit like your heroin dealer opening a rehab?

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Carnage on Wall Street: Dow sinks 634 points as panic rules

We are coming after you, rich swindling-ass muthafuckas! Taking advantage of everyday people’s decency. We will bring you to justice by mob rule. But we have to do the laundry first. Man, does that shit pile up quick.

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Michele Bachmann: What do her favorite books tell us?

She’s from Iowa, is a congresswomen in Minnesota, and one of her favorite books is about how the South was in the right in the Civil War? Keep up the state pride, Michelle.

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Get Your Child to Like Veggies Before Birth

Women who fellated their spouses regularly seemed to produce cock-hungry teenagers. Some connection seems to have been made between the use of plastics in sex toys, and the desire for oily fried foods. Perhaps the consideration of using a cucumber in place of a dildo during pregnancy should be strongly considered, given this new evidence.

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Facebook Tackles IM With ‘Messenger’ App

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Mystery Orange Goo Invades Alaska Village

It would be awesome, since it’s Alaska, if it was just an endless geyser of Orange Julius.

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Contributors: Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks, Eve Ventrella, Eric Dohman, J. Miz, Ertel Gray, Scotty Harris

July 13, 2011

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century, Part 2

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS


[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. Read the first part of Tony’s brilliant invective here. -AJH]

Altruism: Self-interest in full camouflage.

Astrology: Entrail reading’s less socially awkward cousin.

Atheism: The understanding that there is no grand plan for human existence. Life has about as much meaning as the existence of Brussels sprouts, so everything we do is ultimately, in the long term, pointless. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?

Baby: A young human. Also a term misapplied to fetuses, embryos and even blastocytes by those who seek to deny a woman her reproductive rights. The proof of this misapplication, of course, lies in the fact that humanity has bothered to come up with entirely different words for these different stages of life. By “pro-life” logic, teenagers too should be considered babies, and it should be illegal to destroy them. Clearly, that way madness lies.

Beck, Glenn: It is commonly believed that there are only Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This is the result of a transcription error in the King James Bible. In reality, there are Five Horsemen – War, Famine, Pestilence, Death and Hysteria. Anyone who has watched Glenn Beck’s show knows that the Fifth Horseman is already here. Of course, most people who have watched Glenn Beck’s show rather wish that the Fourth Horseman had preceded him.

Creationism: Proof that evolution does not necessarily select for intelligence.

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July 12, 2011

A Pothead Speaks: Why Marijuana Should NOT Be Legalized

by KB MARION
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

It's a quick leap from legalization to corporatization. But there won't be any Dollar Menu for weed.

I absolutely cannot stand the progressive mentality. Progress is not always the best thing for society. Take, for instance, the Internet. Yes, it allows us to download free music and keep up with the latest ever-so-important celebrity gossip, but the web is also a widespread tool for degenerates with an exorbitant amount of resources. Prior to the Internet, you could always tell the perverts by their wiry grin, ’70s mustache and windowless van. Well, unfortunately, progressivism is butting its ugly head into my stash. There is a movement to legalize marijuana, and as a weed smoker, I am against it.

Many people have stated that the marijuana crop will help with our nation’s deficit. However, for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction (or so I’ve heard). Proponents of legalization are idealistic and too trusting of the American government. Anything that has value in the United States always garner greedy lobbyists who ruin it for everyone except the few who would benefit — in this case, Wall Street and the would-be corporate growers. This is already occurring in California, where medical marijuana growers helped vote down the legalization bill. Nope, marijuana ain’t just for hippies anymore. Our beloved green has been going corporate, and this is just the beginning.

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July 2, 2011

Why We Love America

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • In America, we get our daily exercise by taking the dog for a nice, long walk.

    As a nation, we have been unbelievably tolerant of broads, negroes, homos and retards.

  • A pound of fresh fruit costs eight times the price of a box of Kraft Mac-N-Cheese.
  • We complain about gas prices while paying $6.40 a gallon for bottled water.
  • We have Florida for a penis.
  • They took away Milli Vanilli‘s Grammy.
  • This simple irony: America is working hard to kill off its working class.
  • America has successfully facilitated the three-way union of hillbillies, paintball guns and the TV show Cheaters.
  • Personal anecdote: During a private fireworks display last Fourth of July, everyone was watching the fireworks in the sky. Everyone, that is, except the 637-pound gentleman sitting in a lawnchair about to explode from pressure, eating a plate of brownies. Your average plate of brownies might contain two or three brownies, but this dude’s PLATE OF BROWNIES held two or three dozen chocolate squares. The dark night must’ve been messing with his brownie-plate visibility, because he quickly ripped the glow-stick necklace off his son’s neck and ringed it around his paper plate, so he wouldn’t miss any of his chocolate delight. This is by far the most broadly stereotypical American thing any We’re Not Funny staffer has ever witnessed, and it still makes us tear up.
  • We capitalize on unfortunate everyday circumstances — having a car or storage unit repossessed — and make them into killer cable reality TV.
  • In America, we save water in our public pools. Recipe: Fill two-thirds, then add 10 McDonald’s-grease-laden plumpy fuckers. Then watch the water level magically rise to the top.
  • We have Twofer Tuesdays. Try getting that in a non-American-speaking country like Mexico. ¿Dos por Martes? We’re not buying that for a second!
  • We blame our iniquities on other cultures. Didn’t pay you for the bet I made? I welshed on it. Conned you into selling me your 2002 Honda for half of its value? I gyped you. Told you that you could have my CD collection but didn’t give it up? I was an Indian giver. Tried to haggle you on price? I was Jewing you down. I did something stupid? I’m a Polack. I knocked on your door and ran away? Well, we’ll leave that one out…
  • Only in America would you be given every opportunity known to the human race, only to find yourself 50 years old, toothless, broke, living in a trailer park and proudly owning a Cadillac Escalade. We love American priorities.
  • We get to make fun of everything we love, including our country.

CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Cline, Michelle Dee, Eric Dohman, Scotty Harris, J.Miz, Ryan Krause, Lola Tucker and Woo

June 25, 2011

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS


[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. -AJH]

A: Indefinite article. (See also: “Sarah Palin’s Brain.”)

Advertising: A subtle combination of lies, damned lies and statistics.

American football: A good run, ruined.

Axis of Evil: A collective term for the nations of Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Any student of geography or geometry of course knows that these three countries do not form an axis of any kind. If using straight lines, they are at best an Angle of Evil. If curves are allowed into the proposition, they become an Arc of Evil. Both of these more accurate terms, however, were discarded as being insufficiently terrifying.

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June 17, 2011

An Amazing New Product: Santorum Shit Bags

by ERIC DOHMAN and ANDREW HICKS
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

OAKLAND, CALIF. — The Clorox Company, parent corporation of Glad Trash Bags, is scheduled to launch a new specialty product line this week called Santorum Shit Bags.

The plastic Shit Bags, which resemble a four-gallon kitchen trash bag with holes, will be stocked in supermarkets and drugstores next to adult diapers. However, company execs are quick to point out that the Santorum Shit Bag is a completely new, innovative product.

“This is not a diaper, this is something that was pioneered by the indigent community. We thank them for their homeless, pantsless efforts,” said Clorox Corporation CEO Donald Knauss.

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June 16, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 6

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

If the J.Miz's Cougar Pops truck is a'rockin', it probably means the nearest high school has let out for the day.

WEDNESDAY

The next time I see cupcakes in a bar, I’m gonna start punching white people.

About to go from living solo to cohabitation. I am beginning to realize the necessity of censoring my flatulence.

My guy friend was saying how awesome the Jedi mind trick would be for getting laid. Then I realized, I have that! It’s called a vagina!

I’m so committed to being a cougar I bought an ice cream truck that only plays “Milkshake” by Kelis.

Sobriety’s made me socially awkward. When I go out I still pretend to drink, I act wasted, and I walk home shamefully the next morning.


TUESDAY

When I see a fat kid with fat parents, I feel bad. I mean, those poor parents are stuck having to love a fat kid!

No matter who you are, what you do or what you think, you do not have haters. You’re not that important. To anyone. That is all.

I’ll know I’ve hit rock bottom when I fuck a ventriloquist, a guy who does impressions or that dude who wanted me to call his cock a “crank.”

My mom is always stealing my lighters. I hate it! And besides, at her age, she should really stop smoking crack.

My cat just pooped on my futon. I was angry until I did some quick math and figured out that, long term, it would be more cost-effective than using kitty litter.

 

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May 29, 2011

Christians-Only Restrooms

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"What's my crime?" "You wished me 'Happy Holidays,' heathen!"

Is it me, or does everyone want to have a hard luck story? “Growing up was so hard. We only had one car, and mom and dad couldn’t go on vacations, and I had to babysit my kid sister when I was 13.” “Life is so hard being slightly overweight.” “Life is so hard being a white male because of affirmative action.” “Life is hard because I have ADHD.” EMOOOOOOOO!!!

The big one I’m not understanding is Christians who claim they are persecuted in America. Really, isn’t the statistic that three out of every four Americans are Christians in this country? There are 305 million people in America, so that means there are 224.75 million Christians outnumbering the remaining 80.25 million. And they feel discriminated against? I haven’t seen a Christian-only bathroom or water fountain. People don’t yell at you for praying in public. In fact, breast feeding in public is more looked down upon than praying. If you wear a crucifix around your neck, no one will tell you to take it off.

So is it the media? Does it mess with freedom of religion? True, sex and violence run rampant on television, but do they purposely attack Christianity in the media? In horror movies, Catholic church scandals and Tim Curry in Disney’s The Three Musketeers? In the science of Jurassic Park, maybe? Feel free to add any other titles you can think of.

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May 3, 2011

Osama: Hole In The Turban Edition

Funniest thing about this photo? The apostrophe is in the wrong place, and it means "Got them," not "Got him." Oh, America...

by BUDDAH ESKEW and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Breaking news from the We’re Not Funny Washington bureau and every corner of Facebook — well, okay, it’s old news now — Osama bin Laden is dead, and every male in America is growing a freedom stache.

Not to editorialize, but doesn’t it seem a little un-American for us to have gone in and murdered this guy in front of his family, and not broadcast it via satellite? The networks could’ve charge triple their Super Bowl rates for a quick commercial in between the first and second gunshots.

They took Osama by surprise. He was minding his own business, watching Kirstie Alley waddle-waltz on “Dancing With the Stars” and drinking a Miller Lilililililight at the time of the CIA attack.

After his death, bin Laden expected to join 72 virgins in heaven. Osama, sorry man, Charlie Sheen deflowered all six dozen of them before they made it to the pearly Caucasian gates. It was a popular Heidi Fleiss off-menu whore special in 1991.

Osama, look, your virgins weren’t virgins, and you’re in hell now. On the plus side, you do get to listen to the obscure Winger B-side “Seventy Two Virgins” at top volume on drive thru speakers for all eternity. The guitar solo has been cut out, too. Nothing but screaming vocals and off-rhythm drums in Hades.

Poor Osama expected to be top dog in hell, too, but now he’s sharing an unairconditioned camp cabin with Hitler, and 50 bucks says Adolph gets the top bunk.

Elton John expressed interest in singing at Osama’s funeral (“And it seemed to me you lived your life / Like an airplane-turned-projectile-missile in the wind”), but the U.S. government had already given the jackass (Osama, not Elton) a traditional Islamic burial at sea. All the more reason not to drink the water in Mexico.

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April 20, 2011

Show Me Your String: A WNF rap anthem

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS (sorry, mom)

[Track built around a sample of Nena’s “99 Red Balloons”]

LIL DICK:
I saw this one bitch with a shine in her eye
I said, “Fuck me bitch, or I’m gonna make you cry”
She said, “I can’t do it, as much as I want,
“Sorry Cat Daddy, it’s my time of the month”
I called that bitch lyin’, and she started up and cryin’
I said, “Then prove that thing! Bitch, show me your string!”

CHORUS:
Show me your string
Show me your string
Show me your string
Bitch, show me your string

OSTEOFEROCIOUS:
Babysitter shows up and it’s time to go clubbin’
But before I leave I’m gonna need some clit rubbin’
I offer her an extra twenty bucks to do me right
But she looks sheepish, and she says, “Not tonight”
I said, “I’ll make it 40, baby, let’s get it on ”
She said, “Uh uh, mister man, I got this tampon”
Now I’m holdin’ my cock over this nowhere fling
Thought I had it made until she showed me her string

CHORUS:
Show me your string
Show me your string
Show me your string
Show me your string
(WAILING R+B CHICK: Shoooooowww meeeeeeeee)
Show me your string
Show me your string
Show me your string
Bitch, show me your string
(WAILING R+B CHICK: Yoooooooooo striiiiiiiiiiing)

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March 12, 2011

Shoulda Died Young: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
So Elton John was seriously a genius for the first half of the ’70s. Then he put out the godawful “Crocodile Rock,” became a cartoon character, started writing almost exclusively for cartoon characters, almost went bankrupt because he spends some stupid amount on fresh flowers and now is just an aged celebrity more famous for being out of the closet than anything he’s actually done over the last 15 to 20 years.

ANDREW HICKS
That gets me thinking, who are some pop culture stars who would’ve had more respectable careers had they died early? Would Gallagher have become a revered cult comedian had he been assassinated in 1985?

BUDDAH ESKEW
I thought Gallagher drowned in a freak melon juice accident in 2002.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I think a lot of rock stars will fit under here. Does anyone revere anything the Rolling Stones or The Who have put out in the last 30 years? Those are pretty easy targets, though.

ANDREW HICKS
I think “Beast of Burden” is 31 years old, so you’re probably right.

Brando, after he should've been long-dead

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’m gonna go with Marlon Brando. By the time he went toes up, he was just a crazy fat man who spent the majority of his time on his private island. Let’s say he actually died during the making of Apocalypse Now. Sure he’d be remembered as being a bit strange, but that would be far, far outweighed by his career as an actor. On top of that, Apocalypse Now (which already has a mythic quality to it) goes to a whole new level in the history of film.

LINDSAY HARTLEY
Michael Jackson. I woulda loved to have seen one of the mommas of the little boys he touched just slit his throat.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
MJ is another way-too-easy target, though. If I’m going pop stars of the ’80s, I’d say Madonna. I know Ray of Light and Music are solid works, but what if she had died in 1989 after putting out Like a Prayer? She goes out with possibly her most ambitious album and becomes the <a href="John Cazale of pop music. More importantly if she croaks in 1989, she avoids all the drama of Dennis Rodman, Jose Canseco and Alex Rodriguez. The Kabbalah nonsense never comes up. Her marriage to Guy Ritchie and the subsequently horrid film Swept Away never happen. No one makes any jokes about how muscled up she’s become.

ANDREW HICKS
A Madonna who dies in 1989 is still a Madonna who starred in Shanghai Surprise.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Well… no career is perfect. Except John Cazale’s, as he can’t help that Francis Ford Coppola raped his corpse by putting footage of him into Godfather III.

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February 21, 2011

Top 5 Biggest Wastes of Resources in Recent History

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

5. CELEBRITY POLITICIANS

Knows what's best for you.

As if we need to add more drama to politics, endless actors feel it necessary to literally broadcast their opinions.  These opinions are inevitably laced with uninformed, fruity bullshit and are always overly dramatic. Last October, for example, Rob Reiner called everyone who didn’t support certain social changes and additions “Nazis.” Seriously?

So, because I don’t want to endlessly support some good-for-nothing leech through welfare and/or healthcare, who incidentally also begs me to trade his food stamps for cash at my local grocery store (yeah, pretty sure I already paid for those with my tax money, sport), then uses any cash he gleans from some poor schmuck on drugs, cigarettes, alcohol and cell phone minutes to call the baby momma he’s not supporting, MY character and political view are now comparable to those of a 1940s fascist dictator who wanted to wipe an entire race off the face of the planet just for shits? Yeah. Thanks for trying, but, no.

Really, Rob, shut the fuck up. When these dummies weigh in on our political climate and certain hot-topic issues, I enjoy their performance of their actual jobs a little bit less. They should just stick to what they know: acting, directing, performing, writing, collecting sick amounts of money at my expense (although not at my tax expense, thank Christ), and snorting amounts of coke worth enough to rebuild Haiti from its next disaster.

4. THE TIGER WOODS [or insert most recent celebrity here] AFFAIR

I. Don’t. Get it. What the fuck happened to a celebrity’s right to cheat? Okay, now, I know he’s a public figure with lots of little children who look up to him and want to be just like Tiger someday, but really, what the hell is going on here? We take a sick amount of interest in the private lives of our celebrities but then are genuinely amazed when one them does something that, oh my God, is just like every other celebrity.

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