Archive for ‘Relationships’

January 6, 2012

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 18

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

J.Miz: Making the seatbelt look sexy since 2011.

  • I want my new nickname to be SAUCE! S’up SAUCE? How you livin SAUCE?! You’re looking hot SAUCE!!!!
  • Our three cats keep sitting in triangle formation. What’s weirder , them lining up like that or the centaur that always appears in the middle?
  • What if it turns out 12/21/12 is actually the day Maya Angelou is supposed to die? Oprah will be PISSED!
  • The saying goes, “The best things in life are free.” But so are the worst. Like AIDS.
  • I think I was just asked out on a blind date online. But the email was in Braille, so I’m not sure.
  • The best thing about bipolar disorder is realizing you don’t need those meds anymore. Because you are FUCKING AWESOME!
  • When somebody tells me they suck at life, to the point of several suicide attempts, I feel so bad. That they suck at suicide too.
  • I am now at the age where I grunt anytime I have to bend over, not just during sex.
  • Some women think they’re cut out for motherhood, but in reality they barely pull off mother trailer park.
  • Have you ever heard tribal drums only to realize it’s your ceiling fan? #Reasons INeverTriedAcid
  • Thanks to my Advanced Task Manager, I can KILL the Messenger whenever I fucking feel like it!
  • I once had an affair with my boss. That was a totally awkward situation. For a family business.
  • White chocolate has always irked me. Not only is it gross, it’s kinda racist. Regular chocolate doesn’t remind people it’s brown.
  • The upside to being back in the dating game is that I no longer feel that terrible emptiness. In my vagina.
  • I think it’s funny when fat people jokingly call themselves fat, so I tell them they’re funny. But I don’t say they’re not fat.
  • Just ONCE, during sex, I’d like to be told, “Don’t make me turn this thing around!” And then totally make him.
  • I’ve always said that one day I would adopt. I want to show a child that I am capable of great love. Not just kidnapping.
  • I lick my phone off to clean it. Don’t get any bright ideas, dirty penises of the world.
  • To show support of my boyfriend’s busy career and still being able to spend time together, I’ve been going over to his place. To buy my drugs.
  • A slight tweak has my boyfriend and I enjoying simultaneous orgasms. The trick is to totally sync up our cheating.
  • The fact that men fake orgasms shouldn’t be surprising. They fake love and monogamy all the time.
  • I like my men cocky and my ladies perky.
  • Vacuuming is my favorite household chore. I prefer my house pets on the verge of a coronary. They’re cuter like that.
  • I’m so hungry I could eat my twin.
  • I’ll I’ve had to eat today is candy and bread. I feel like a pigeon.
  • My phone treats me like it doesn’t know me. It can always predict me typing YouTube, but never foresees “pussy,” “cunt” or “fuck.”
  • If it weren’t for nightmares and the excessive amount of premature stock I place on brand new relationships, I’d NEVER have dreams.
  • Toolbar: Any athletics themed, suburban tavern that has a DJ.
  • If I rolled around with a jacked, strong, well oiled man for 10 minutes, I’D HAVE to fuck somebody. That’s just logic.
  • Thank God you can’t get keyboards pregnant, or I’d have kids ALL OVER the Internet.
  • I wonder how many people’s lives have been ruined by the fucks on Yahoo! Answers.
  • Men are enigmas, puzzles of sorts. I always pick the complicated ones, with thousands of pieces. And one piece is inevitably missing.
  • I have a cheapie lighter that makes me feel like a crack head. I have to keep lighting and lighting and lighting it. Under this foil.
  • I love iTunes. It knows all my favourite songs.
  • I texted my boyfriend to ask him if he was ignoring me. He didn’t get back to me.
  • I’ve decided that I am not going to date anyone SERIOUSLY any time soon. Why start now?!
November 4, 2011

Online Dating Profile Disqualifications

by JUSTIN OLOMON
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Enjoys inflating heart-shaped balloons a little too much. Next!

I keep seeing other people’s posts about online dating, so I’m gonna go check out one of these matchmaking sites and see what kind of girls I can find.

*starts scrolling through profiles*

Okay, 25? Looks 50. Next!

Favorite book is Twilight. Next!

Favorite TV show is “Jersey Shore.” Next!

Single mother. Next!

Religious. Next!

Part of the 99%. Next!

Tea Partier. Next!

Too chubby. Next!

Too skinny. Next!

From Pekin, Ill. Next!

I (HEART) BIEBER! Next!

Looking for a tough man. Next!

Makes less than $20,000 a year. Next!

Luvs to paaartay hard in the name of Cthullu! Not sure what that means. Next!

read more »

November 1, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 15

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Being fat on Halloween is an extra-special thing.

  • For Halloween, I’m going as a shy, conservative, demure, celibate lady. Now THAT’S a fucking costume!
  • Handing out “treats.” My Halloween costume is “The Bad Influence.” I’m giving the kids cigarettes, airplane bottles of booze, and HPV.
  • The Jack-O-Lantern started with turnips. Suck on that, Hallmark! I want a damn Turnip-O-Lantern.
  • Why do fat women always look so angry? I’d be ECSTATIC if I got to eat that much delicious shit!
  • An 80-year-old woman asked me, “How has such a pretty girl like you never been married?” My reply, “Guys only like to FUCK crazy girls, Gramma!”
  • If you discover a shortcut and it then replaces your regular route, it’s no longer a shortcut.
  • Whenever I masturbate, I have this EXTREMELY detailed fantasy about having sex.
September 27, 2011

How Not To Internet Date, 27 Sep 2011

AN ACTUAL ONLINE MATCHMAKING CONVERSATION BETWEEN MICHELLE DEE AND AN INDIAN NAMED SUDEEP

A middle-aged woman pretending to be a thirtysomething British man falls in love with a middle-aged black man pretending to be a young, foxy Jewish chick.

sudeep: hi
sudeep: how ru
MichelleDee: Hi! I’m Bart Simpson! Who the hell are you?
sudeep_mtec: where ru forom
sudeep_mtec: this is sudeep
MichelleDee: i don’t know sudeep
sudeep: ur soooooooooo beautiful
sudeep: plz rememeber me
MichelleDee: nope, no clue
sudeep: why ur hating food
MichelleDee: i dunno
sudeep: ur sooo beautiful friend
MichelleDee: thanks
sudeep: do u have web cam now
MichelleDee: yes
sudeep: can i see u on web cam friend’
MichelleDee: no
sudeep: ur soooo ooooooooooooooooooo cute friend
MichelleDee: so you said
sudeep: what do u do friend
MichelleDee: I DON’T cam with strange men
sudeep: i mean ur soooo beautiful
MichelleDee: ‘ya… you said that
sudeep: what do u do
sudeep: where ru from?
MichelleDee: You call me friend and you don’t know?
MichelleDee: shouldn’t a friend know things like that?
sudeep: give me ur phone number
MichelleDee: LOLz
MichelleDee: no
MichelleDee: who the hell are you?
sudeep: hello friend ur good name plz
MichelleDee: i’m not your friend
MichelleDee: I like to fart
sudeep: friend this is sudeep from india
MichelleDee: do you fart?
sudeep: no mam
MichelleDee: liar
MichelleDee: everyone farts
sudeep: noooo im not a liar promise
MichelleDee: but you are
MichelleDee: everyone farts
MichelleDee: if you eat… you fart
sudeep: before one year im chating
MichelleDee: I just farted
MichelleDee: it was loud
MichelleDee: scared my cat
sudeep: noo friend im not a lier im true friend
MichelleDee: do you fart?
sudeep: plz
MichelleDee: answer me
sudeep: no
MichelleDee: LIAR!
sudeep: nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
MichelleDee: YES!
sudeep: noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
MichelleDee: you eat do you not?
sudeep: noooooooooooooooooo im not a liat
sudeep: yes
sudeep: eat
MichelleDee: then your stomache produces gases that must then be released from your ass! EVERYONE FARTS!
MichelleDee: those who claim not to fart are LIARS!
sudeep: nooooooooooooooo friend im not aliar
MichelleDee: then you fart!
MichelleDee: TELL ME THE TRUTH!
sudeep: im ur friend that is true
MichelleDee: tell me you FART
sudeep: before one year im chating
MichelleDee: you are NOT my friend. you LIE!
sudeep: nooo mam im not a lier
MichelleDee: DO
MichelleDee: YOU
MichelleDee: FART?
sudeep: that is true”
sudeep: fart?
MichelleDee: yes!
MichelleDee: release gas from your rear end!
sudeep: noooooo
MichelleDee: LIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!
sudeep: nio im not alier
MichelleDee: LIAR!
sudeep: u know im from india
MichelleDee: liar liar pants on fire cuz you FARTED and I lit that shit!

September 20, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 13

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz enjoys her first virtual wine tasting*. (*Not actually J.Miz.)

  • Anyone who’s surprised Sarah Palin fucked a black guy OBVIOUSLY never fucked a black guy.
  • When a methhead loses a tooth, does the Tooth Fairy put a box of Sudafed under their pillow?
  • My boyfriend said that I’m boring in bed. So, being a good girlfriend, I suggested he try waking me up.
  • You know the economy is fucked when rappers are rhyming about how much gas they have. Seriously? Chains, diamonds, self-made premium alcohol, clothing line, record company? OUT! Full gas tank? That’s GANGSTER!
  • It’s extremely hard to have a committed relationship with a drug addict. Unless you’re his dealer.
  • About 10 years ago, I had a miscarriage. And it really gets me down. At tax time.
  • I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the afterlife. I like surprises. And sinning.
  • They say you can please a woman by watching her please herself. I say just ask my cat. He’s SEEN things.
  • Watching a show about a man who knowingly spread HIV. Boy, that takes all the fun out of me “surprise clapping” guys.
  • I’ve always wanted to learn how to say, “What?! ARE YOU DEAF?!” in American Sign Language.
  • When you realize you HAVE to be up in less than seven hours but SHOULD be up in five, everything you did for the last two hours seems pretty fucking pointless.
  • You can tell a lot about a city by its white people in the fall.
  • In retrospect, I’m pretty sure the song “I Got 5 On It” was about hand jobs.
  • Women count the ways they love you in inches and dollars. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • Your probation officer doesn’t appreciate you showing up for drug testing with poppy seed muffins “for everyone!” #SoIveHeard
  • I’m such a narcissist, it’s taken me MONTHS to go through my phone and part with all the amazing and supportive texts I have. Sent.
  • My boyfriend recently started having faint memories of being sodomized. Being a good girlfriend, I immediately increased his dosage of GHB.
  • Anytime I see a crack-addicted couple, it upsets me. Then I smoke some crack. Cuz it must work for them. Modern dating is weird.
  • I just got spam for a “virtual wine tasting.” What’s next? An IM blow job?? #IHateTheFuture
  • I never trust a grown man who owns more than three track suits.
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… that doesnt happen. i just havent reacted yet and probably was never fooled in the first place.
  • I hate finding pubic hair on a toilet seat. Not as much as I hate finding a newborn on a toilet seat, but still.
  • Polly wanna cracker because that bitch Polly is a fucking racist. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” -Coping With ED tips from your friends at Cialis.
  • It’s life’s greatest joy to find somebody who just “gets” us. But life’s cruel joke is that it’s never just that simple.
  • My boyfriend thinks I’m really into doggystyle, but I’m really not. Into his face. #ClassicJMiz
  • I’m so dedicated to being a cougar, I only date guys who get a student discount at the movies.
  • Growing up with a dad in entertainment taught me that I NEVER want to be the girl who “blew him when…”
  • Even though I taught him to do it, every time my cat says “Mama,” I feel like one of those guys on Maury.
  • My boyfriend’s comedy video is popular on YouTube. It has 500 views and 450 likes. Which means out of all those views, only 90 percent were him.
  • I sometimes worry my current boyfriend thinks a lot of these jokes are about him. And doesn’t get the hint.
  • My cat likes going down the porch steps and scratching the neighbors’ door. I’m checking his pockets for Watchtower pamphlets.
August 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 11

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Dead Elvis jokes: Too soon?

    Today marks the 34th anniversary of me still not giving a shit that Elvis died.

  • A white kid’s rite of passage from childhood to adulthood, is the first time they say “fuck” to their mom SUCCESSFULLY.
  • I broke up with my ex like 3 months ago, and he’s STILL sending me dirty texts! I FINALLY told him, “Dude, if I didn’t cum by now…”
  • Glee makes my vagina seal shut.
  • Cats are horrible at handshakes and hugs.
  • Anytime somebody tells me, “I’ll pray for you!” I think, “OH FUCK! To YOUR God?!”
  • I’ve finally had it with guys talking to me like they’re 12. So I just dumped my boyfriend. After I dropped him off at day camp.
  • If I had a dollar for everytime I heard “Cherry Pie” last week, I’d be a HORRIBLE stripper.
  • I only hook up with guys who are AT LEAST 23. It used to be 25, but I recently had a birthday.
  • I miss living alone. And by living alone, I mean masturbating.
  • The best thing about quitting drinking was all the free time I suddenly had. To do cocaine.
  • I REALLY love cake. And by “cake” I mean “oral.”
  • Weaves are now considered fashionable. I doubt white people thought that a few hundred years ago when it was called “scalping.”
  • I once broke up with a guy when I discovered he had a small penis. In his mouth.
  • Sometimes I worry I’m OCD. Wait… Sometimes I get worried that… FUCK! Wait… I often worry… DAMMIT!
  • I’m going to open a cupcake shop and name it Curvez. #FirstOneIsFree
  • I believe sex is the HIGHEST expression of love. For sex.
  • When ever somebody acts like a bitch to me, I assume she’s in heat. So I hump her leg.
  • It’s hard to watch people drink themselves to death. So I do my BEST to encourage them. To drink alone at home.
  • I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you. As soon as you start laughing.
  • When I attempt to have a conversation with somebody who then has nothing but Bible citations, it reminds me of my mom: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”
  • Whenever I watch Unsolved Mysteries, I wonder who the fuck abducts women and children THAT ugly.
  • I wish the weather was ALWAYS like this. #WhiteGirlThoughts
  • The last time a chick tried to get me to gossip, I IMMEDIATELY walked away. And talked shit about her.
  • I like big cocks and I cannot lie. #SirDicksALot
  • Love is like laryngitis. They both start with “L.”
  • I’ve had boyfriends that I LOVED. And I’ve had boyfriends that I’ve LIKED. More than loneliness.
  • Thunderstorms make me wet.
  • Jesus may be my co-pilot, but Satan is CLEARLY my navigator.
  • “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” –St. Francis of Assisi
  • Some people are born who are good at EVERTHING they do. Then there are those who aren’t me.
  • You know you live in the hood when the car alarms stay on beat with the radio.
  • I never hit snooze because I fear commitment. I prefer that my tardiness be spontaneous.
  • People think I commit a lot of sins because I don’t have God. I just know that I don’t want to be an old person who is always cold.
  • It’s very difficult to explain why I enjoy being single to people who are in relationships. Especially if they are my boyfriend.
  • I’ve always wanted to have children but have never wanted to keep them.
  • I HATE hypocrites. That being said, I love you guys.
  • What do illiterate people do while they eat their cereal?
  • I have often been called a “slut,” but I prefer to think of myself as a “people pleaser.”
  • I wish my boyfriend made me want to cum as hard as I want to go.
  • Any urban squirrel’s pole work could put even the BEST stripper to shame.
  • I only date guys with long hair because I like my boyfriends unemployed or “working in entertainment.”
  • I’m either getting a huge zit on my forehead or my skull’s about to release the Kraken.
  • Safe words are for pussies and quitters.
  • My boyfriend recently started refusing to wear a condom. I sat him down and explained how that makes it unsafe to assume this may be his baby.
  • You ever get that “pee your pants” feeling, just following peeing your pants?
  • My boyfriend is always encouraging me to try new things. So I did. And he was RIGHT! HIS cock IS bigger than his brother’s.
  • I can hear my roommate moaning in the next room. It’s making me EXTREMELY excited. That the cyanide’s FINALLY working.
  • I will listen to what you do, not what you say, the moment you get to fucking off.
August 5, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 10

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Don't let this old dog's air of sophistication fool you -- there's crack-cocaine in that pipe!

    If you walk a mile in a man’s shoes, that’s NOTHING compared to a man walking a mile in my “fuck me pumps.”

  • Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I have a motherfucking chainsaw.
  • As a child, I always wanted a lot of pets. Just not from my uncle.
  • All empty relationships can be aided by a full bottle.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but he will VOLUNTARILY do anything you want. Once you get him addicted to crack. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • I caught my boyfriend trying to cheat on me with a hooker! I was FURIOUS that’s how he found out about my new job.
  • In regard to my sex life, I am a proponent of the “buddy system.”
  • When I found out my boyfriend had another girlfriend, I felt REALLY bad. For her.
July 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 8

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz will watch your brown baby for half-price, but he has to bring his own smokes.

  • I’m often told to think before I talk by people who talk.
  • I prefer casual sex. Formal sex is way too uptight.
  • This 5-year-old kid just offered me a dollar for ONE cigarette. I was speechless when I thought about how DISGUSTING my profitability index was going to be.
  • My favorite part of summer is when the stores put their racks outside for sidewalk steals.
  • Vegans are incapable of having beef with anyone.
  • My second favorite sex position is called the Don’t Be Boring.
  • I was going to have a yard sale for some extra cash, but it seemed too much like share cropping.
  • I stand up against the ideals of Hitler one hair coloring and spray tan at a time.
  • I wish I could remember what my friend said heroin is like. But I was WAY too distracted by the crack I was smoking at the time.
July 15, 2011

de·caf (/ˈdēˌkaf/) n. – Coffee without coffee

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Image from Cubiclecoffee.com

Today begins like any other day, except that by the time I roll out of bed it’s already too hot outside to be alive. This morning, we get up, we take baths, and we get ready for my 4 year old’s play date. If you do not yet have children, doubtless you are unaware of the glorious splendor of the drop-off play date. And if you only have one child, please realize the play date becomes exponentially more glorious once you are parent to multiple children.

So we get ready, and we load ourselves into the car and head down to my daughter’s friend’s house. I drop her off, make plans with the mom for pick up, and then head on over to my happy haven, Starbucks. At this point, I just have my 4 month old in the car. It’s 105 degrees outside, so we decide to take advantage of the drive thru. Just my luck, there’s no line. I pull up, place my order, and pull around to the window to await my pseudo-refreshment.

Why do you call it pseudo-refreshment, Anne? you ask. Well, since my son was born, I’ve sworn off caffeine. Caffeine passes through breast milk, and since I’m breastfeeding and would prefer not to have to care for a rowdy infant, I’ve been assuaging my coffee addiction by ordering decaf instead. And in terms of taste, I’ve actually grown accustomed to decaf and can no longer tell the difference.

read more »

July 6, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

  • My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.
  • Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.
  • Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.
  • My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”
  • I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

  • This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.
  • Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.
  • Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.
  • I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.
  • If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.
  • There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

  • I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.
  • Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.
  • I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.
  • I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.
  • I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

  • At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.
  • According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.
  • My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.
  • My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.
  • I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

  • I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.
  • I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”
  • My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.
  • A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”
  • I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.
  • Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?
  • I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

  • I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.
  • The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!
  • Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.
  • Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

  • Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.
  • To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.
  • Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.
  • My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.
  • No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.
  • My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.
  • My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!
June 26, 2011

Dear 16-Year-Old Self

by ALLISON STEIN and THE WOMEN OF WNF
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Dear 16-year-old self: You're gonna grow up to be Demi Moore in overalls.

Dear 16-year-old self:

  • Your brother’s obsession with hand lotion is NOT because he has dry skin.
  • Just because you don’t have boobs yet doesn’t mean that you wont have D’s later on in life. But your boyfriend who told you, in the back seat of his mom’s car, that his small penis is going to “get bigger” when he reaches full-on adulthood… well, that kid is sadly mistaken.
  • Penis is nothing to be afraid of. It is to be mastered and conquered, and with that comes immeasurable power.
  • Weed isn’t that bad, and your mom will never notice. Just try it.
  • You know how you wanted to get your period so you could be a real woman? Yeah, it sucks, don’t it?
    read more »

June 3, 2011

Dear Ex: Anonymous Kiss-Offs

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by ALLISON STEIN

Dear Ex: You were not as attractive as I led you to believe.

Dear Ex: Thanks for all the child support. You’re not her father.

Dear Ex: I feel like I can tell you now — you don’t have to pray about EVERYthing. Pretty sure you’ve got the green light from the Almighty if you wanna have a popsicle.

Dear Ex: I’d undercook your meat sometimes.

Dear Ex: I still laugh my ass off that the guy you married after me turned out to be huuuuuugely gay. Not mature, but funny as hell.

Dear Ex: Weekday daddy busted a jizzload on your side of the bed.

Dear Ex: I made out with your mom more than I made out with you. And she was better at it. But that’s no secret.

Dear Ex: Remember how I said you were the best sex I ever had? The only orgasms I ever had during our marriage were the ones I gave myself. Thanks for nothing. Love, Me.

Dear Ex: I could tell you were not a habitual marijuana smoker when we got high and you spent the next two hours scratching down your entire body while singing a song called “Itchy Time.”

Dear Ex: Your brother used to try to have sex with me every time you weren’t home.

Dear Ex: I find it completely hilarious that I actually slept with more women than you did, and they were better in bed.

Dear Ex: I still get good laughs telling people how, every time you saw a stray dog or cat walking on the side of the road, you would stop the car, pull over, throw open the passenger side door and yell, “Go home! Go home! Go home, doggy! You have a home! Go there and be safe!”

Dear Ex: Your mother doesn’t love you. She told me once she wished you’d never been born.

Dear Ex: We might have worked out if we hadn’t been so hopelessly incompatible in bed. We made the best of it, but in all fairness, your squeaking noises during sex ruined the mood. Also, it would have helped if your dick stayed hard the whole time.

Dear Ex: Dental hygiene is important. Brush up!

Dear Ex: I used your toothbrush to clean the sink. Every time.

Dear Ex: I fucked a random Italian man the night before our wedding.

Dear Ex: Your hair is not growing back in. Not even a little, so stop spending the equivalent of the national deficit on Rogaine. You’re fucking bald.

Dear Ex: Remember that night you were so drunk, but you swore we had sex? We didn’t. I had sex with your best friend. You watched from a chair in the corner, holding your dick in your hand.

Dear Ex: If I’d known when I left that you’d become an evangelical Christian… nah, screw it, I still would have left.

Dear Ex: I appreciate you staying in contact with me for seven or eight years after I broke up with you, saying you always wanted to be friends. I do find it curious, however, that since you’ve married that doctor, I haven’t heard a single word.

CONTRIBUTORS: Allison Stein, Lola Tucker, Andrew Hicks, J.Miz, Tony Fyler, Woo

June 1, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 5

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz-brand Shellack: Now available in Jewfro Strength!

MONDAY

Men who ask me out and have no notion of dating etiquette will be asking out a lot more girls.

Today, I start hiding people in my Facebook news feed. It’s like a modern day book burning of sorts.

There’s a group of dudes outside talking. I wish all those bros* would shut up and just let the South African dude talk. I don’t know what he’s saying, but it’s HOT!

*white meathead guys

My white friend just used the phrase “dip set” in a sentence. Correctly. #NapervilleIsGangster

SUNDAY

This Midwest humidity is fucking up my fabulous, so I invented a new product — Shellack: Anti-Humectant! Now available in Jewfro Strength.

I miss my Geo Prizm. #ShitINeverSay

My 4-year-old niece Azzy just asked why I’m not married and my apartment is so small. Mentally I kicked her in the chest, and it was satisfying.

Going out in public with my niece allows me to rock the I’m Just A Tired, Dissheveled Hippie Soccer Mom look. #ImReallyJustLazy

I’d rather wake up next to a one-night stand than my 4-year-old niece. They forget your name, she says it repeatedly. #INeedCoffee

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May 11, 2011

Route 69: Double Entendre Road Signs

by BUDDAH ESKEW

While out driving the other day, I saw a bunch of road signs that somehow all reminded me of my sex life. Half of these signs should hang above my side of the bed, and the other half should hang on Mrs. Buddah’s side of the bed.

Over Buddah’s side of the bed:
1. Dip
2. Falling Rocks
3. No U-Turns
4. Road Closed To Thru Traffic
5. Speed Bump
6. Handicapped Parking Only
7. Slow Children at Play
8. Mile Marker 69
9. Loose Gravel
10. Rough Grooved Surface

Over Mrs. Buddah’s side of the bed:
1. Road Narrows
2. Bridge Out Ahead
3. Wrong Way
4. Sharp Curve Ahead
5. No Parking At Any Time
6. Road Construction Next 5 Miles
7. Do Not Enter
8. Slippery When Wet
9. No Dumping Allowed
10. Parking in Rear

I acted out the Loose Gravel sign, and Mrs. Buddah was somehow turned off. Tonight I’m gonna work hard on obeying No Dumping Allowed.

May 4, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 3

Recently reincarnated as middle-aged Illinois barfly. Yes, gentlemen, she is single.

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

MONDAY

My boyfriend is visiting from New York. He kept emphatically insisting, “You should move, baby! You should move!” Honestly, I was pretty afraid until I realized I was laying on his nuts.

My boyfriend says I’m pretty when I cry. This makes me happy. The rape and domestic violence, not so much.

I’m finally dating an older guy who likes to dance. Unfortunately, in the years I’ve been waiting, there has been an end to the need for glow sticks.

I just had my first argument with my new boyfriend. It was hot and wet. He only needed 28 stitches.

SATURDAY

Looking at a woman. Late 40s/early 50s. Black tank, stretch jeans, white three-quarters blazer, white gym shoes, pork pie hat. Somewhere, Duckie from Pretty in Pink is pissed! And half-naked.

I wonder if anyone ever used multiple personality disorder as a DUI defense: “Officer, only one of us was drunk, and that guy was NOT driving!”

I put effort into what I’m wearing for work. An old dude just said, “I like your overall look!” Then he said, “But I’m a prick, what do I know?!” Fuck your old-saggy-balls compliment, Indian giver!

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