Archive for March, 2011

March 30, 2011

3DSC, Day 9: Song to play at someone you dislike’s funeral

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


WNF SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 9
BEST SONG TO PLAY AT SOMEONE YOU DISLIKE’S FUNERAL

SARACAKES

A happy sea lion, celebrating his promotion at work, seconds before being chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane.

The Lion Sleeps Tonite,” at the funeral of some baby sea lions. (“A-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way…”) Cute and/or endangered animals seem a safe way to go.

ANDREW HICKS
It’s always cool to make fun of dead baby sea lions.

J.MIZ
Wouldn’t “In Da Club” by 50 Cent be apropos for dead baby seals as well?

BUDDAH ESKEW
My mother in-law. “Another One Bites the Dust.”

LINDSAY HARTLEY
I Hate Everyone” from Say Anything. Because… I fucking hate you.

J.MIZ
I grew up in Joliet, Ill. We had a lot of bridges. They scared me. So, for my driver’s ed teacher, who I’m sure broke eight laws a week and made me take ALL the bridges — suck on some Fergie as your send-off, you sick sadist fuck.

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March 28, 2011

3DSC, Day 8: Strangest song you’ve had sex to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 8: STRANGEST SONG YOU’VE HAD SEX TO

The members of 2 Live Crew take a peek up Lady Liberty's sexy green robe.

SCOTTY HARRIS
Unprotected Sex With Multiple Partners” is the only song I ever listen to during sex. It’s a choice I made the very first time I never got laid.

SARACAKES
Proud To Be an American,” while fucking an Iraqi. Okay, not really, but I SO wish. Not only are those dudes pretty handsome, but they for the most part grow them some awesome flavor-savers. Nothing like tasting the tricklings of my own ladybits while he’s angrily pounding away. (“Where at least I know I’m free.”)

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sabbath Bloddy Sabbath” sure can darken the mood.

J.MIZ
During like sophomore year, a guy I was gaga over knew my buttons. So when he picked me up in his gold convertible, wearing a polka-dot silk shirt, eyebrow freshly notched, patent-leather metal toes shining — AND handed me two cans of MGD and threw on 2 Live Crew… ONCE AGAIN, ITS ON!
( DISCLAIMER: I was a vaginal virgin till college, but I still popped that coochie like a fucking rider, son.)

ANDREW HICKS
I have tracks from the ’60s on my iPod where Johnny Carson is being interviewed about comedy, and that always distracts me, because I’m trying to get down with the sex and can’t tune out the background noise. And Johnny’s saying shit that makes me think, so one part of the brain is like, “Go pinch the other nipple now,” and another part of the brain is like, “He’s right about timing. A half beat pause twice during the setup, then a beat and a half just before the meat of the punchline.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Generally speaking, I’ve chosen the music for said encounters. I gotta think a song like “Short Dick Man” from 20 Fingers would be fairly upsetting though.

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March 23, 2011

3DSC, Day 7: Song you love by an artist you hate

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


Rupert Holmes: Not much into yoga.

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 7: SONG YOU LOVE BY AN ARTIST YOU HATE

RYAN KRAUSE
Rupert Holmes with “Escape (The Pina Colada Song).”

ANDREW HICKS
Krause, that’s the only song Rupert Holmes ever put out. Rupert Holmes IS “Escape.” It’s like, “I hate cash, but I love dollar bills.”

RYAN KRAUSE
He really only had one song and one song only?

ANDREW HICKS
As far as history is concerned, yes.

RYAN KRAUSE
Then he is the greatest artist EVER.

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March 21, 2011

3DSC, Day 6: Song you’re embarassed to admit you know all the words to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 6: SONG YOU’RE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO

Prince swears he's "all about the clam."

J.MIZ
Where should I begin? I pretty much have the entire Grease soundtrack memorized. I was motherfuckin Sandra Dee. Not only did I have that double-album gem on vinyl, I had two copies. Yes, two. No idea why. They both played fine. And nobody’s ever questioned it.

SARA J ROSE
Went out last night and was surprised I knew so many words to “Pussy Control” by Prince. I should have known the marriage wasn’t going to work out when I found out the guy liked Prince so much.

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sadly, “Mandy,” by Barry Manilow, although this nugget helped me write an inappropriate Michael J. Fox joke.

J.MIZ
I love “Copacabana.” Wait, I meant cabana boys. Never mind.

DRIFT ROBERTS
What “song”? Try the entire discography of Tom Petty, KISS, Boston, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, The Who, CCR, Deep Purple, Genesis, Talking Heads, Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, Dylan, Queen, Jethro Tull, Rainbow, T.Rex, Simon and Garfunkel, Beatles, Yes, Fleetwood Mac, Doors, Stevie Wonder, David Bowie, AC/DC, Wings, Rush, Devo, Alice Cooper, Van Halen, Zappa, Elton John, Steely Dan, BOC, Van Morrison, Kinks, Cars, Judas Priest, Janis Joplin, Thin Lizzy, Uriah Heep, ZZ Top, Montrose, UFO, Boston, Cheap Trick, Joan Jett, Heart, Kansas and Warren Zevon. I’m 18. I should be spending my time getting laid and underage drinking, not being Buddah’s music buddy.

BUDDAH ESKEW
I got your “music buddy.” Pink Floyd?! Zep?! Them’s fighting words! You forgot Aerofuckinsmith!

DRIFT ROBERTS
Who’s Aerosmith?? (Hah! Gotcha!)

J.MIZ
Oh em gee… *hands Drift some pussy, then wonders if he and Buddah were any other kind of “buddies” since Buddah once warned me to be gentle with Drift*

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March 18, 2011

3DSC, Day 5: Favorite commercial jingle

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 5: FAVORITE COMMERCIAL JINGLE

^ Exists.

RYAN KRAUSE
“Big or small
Short or tall
Gay or straight
You can find it all at Overweight Date.

That’s right, http://www.overweightdate.com.

J.MIZ
OMG! Ryan needs pussy if he’s chubby-chasing. Poor guy. Fuck… And that’s now my fav jingle as well.

RYAN KRAUSE
I heard it on AOL Radio while listening to the metal station.

SARA J ROSE
Always did like the Kit Kat jingle… “Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of that…”

JAMES DRAPER
“Pow-Pow Power Wheels!” The “588-2300-Empire” jingle from broadcasts of Cubs games. Jim Gaffigan built his whole career from the Hot Pockets song.

BUDDAH ESKEW
FreeCreditReport.com band is awesome… “I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner…” The Chili’s baby back ribs song is catchy too… Too many to choose from… Damn you, Hicks!

MICHELLE DEE
I used to like “My Buddy” when I was younger, but now I’m older, I know what stalking is, and I’ve seen Child’s Play. So now it’s just creepy.

J.MIZ
I hate one. Sounds horrible, but the Stand Up To Cancer theme song. It’s like some halfwit, special-ed, B-list, meh-type, wannabe “We Are the World” / “Do They Know It’s Christmas” shit, bad attempt at gaining some cancer-based solidarity. Like fuck, you couldn’t even have gotten the “She Bangs” guy from Idol or any pseudo-singer to stand their ass up for cancer? And what if they have cancer and can’t stand up? Racists!

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March 17, 2011

3DSC, Day 4: A song that infuriates you

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 4: A SONG THAT INFURIATES YOU

"COLLECTION OF BUTCHERY IN MY TOOL SHED! / FEMALE HEADS AND ENTRAILS HANG FROM THE CEILING! / RATS FEASTING ON CHUNKS OF SKIN! / SHIT AND BLOOD STAINS SMEARED ON THE FLOOR! / NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!!!"

SCOTTY HARRIS
Any song that contains use of “words” that can’t be found in a dictionary. By that, I mean rap, whatever that screaming crap is where they change pitch but never actually say anything, and a surprisingly large number of country songs.

J.MIZ
Ugh, I hate screamo Cookie Monster music too. “Gimme cookie / Gimme cookie / Gimme cookie / Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!” And I hate country, save for some old stuff or the more pop-sounding new stuff.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I really fucking hate the Ween song “Push th’ Little Daisies.” Not only is the song irritating like a “Judging Amy “marathon, but I also find the abbreviated “the” to be so incredibly fucking stupid that I very nearly don’t have the words. Fuck this song. Fuck this band and the two douchebags it’s comprised of with their made up fucking rhymefest names.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I fucking hate WEEN!

J.MIZ
I hate weenises.

MICHELLE DEE
American Pie.” That’s right, I went there. Hate that song ever since I started frequenting karaoke. What kind of timecow are you to sing “American Pie” when 25 other people only have 3.5 hours to sing as many songs as they can?

Jenny Lewis. Don't worry, we haven't heard of her either.

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March 16, 2011

3DSC, Day 3: Favorite song recorded by an actor

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 3: FAVORITE SONG RECORDED BY AN ACTOR/ACTRESS

Mr. T and The Mothers

J.MIZ
Any time I catch Mr. T‘s “Treat Your Mother Right,” time stands still, my jaw goes slack, and I stop breathing due to its awesomeness.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’d like to nominate Marilyn Monroe‘s rendition of the birthday song for John F. Kennedy. JFK could pull some serious tail… That’s why I still say Jackie O had him killed.

J.MIZ
Anything by Juliette and The Licks! I got somethin’ she can lick! But seriously, she’s badass.

C.J. DODD
“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Miley Cyrus on her Breakout album, Platinum Edition. Don’t fucking judge me.

J.MIZ
On the down low — I get “She’s Like the Wind” stuck in my head like two times a year. I’m never sure if that makes me wanna slit my wrists or don a tutu.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Hmmm… that’s dangerously close to being a Patrick Swayze joke. The last thing we want to do is put people off of watching Dirty Dancing the next time it comes on Oxygen. Though, now that I think about it, Swayze probably wouldn’t mind being on oxygen right now.

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March 15, 2011

3DSC, Day 2: Least favorite patriotic anthem

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 2: LEAST FAVORITE PATRIOTIC ANTHEM

SAAD AHMED
The ones from other countries.

J.MIZ
I hate them all. Every American anthem sounds like fucking Pilgrim rubbish or a fucking Ford commercial. Canada had the right idea: gank somebody else’s song and toss some new words on it. We ain’t gots times fo’ dis booshit!

C.J. DODD
Whichever one Christina Aguilera fucked up.

MICHELLE DEE
“God Bless the USA,” by everyone and anyone who had a slight amount of talent after 9/11. Especially the American Idol fucks.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
That song is a blast at karaoke. You cannot go too far over the top with it.

ANDREW HICKS
Narrowly escaped with my life in a hillbilly bar in 2003 after changing the lyrics to “God Bless Saddam Hussein.”

Soviet WWF wrestler Nikolai Volkoff, in his trademark black hat and red women's underwear.

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March 14, 2011

3DSC, Day 1: Song that makes you feel the most gangster

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’re like us, your Facebook feed has been flooded with people participating in the 30 Day Song Challenge. And if you’re also like us, you love music but don’t want to answer questions like, “What song do you listen to you when you’re sad?” and, “If your poodle was a Gloria Estefan song, which one would it be?” So we’re doing our own 30-day music challenge, with our own questions, and we invite you to contribute your own picks to our comments section below.

THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 1: SONG THAT MAKES YOU FEEL THE MOST GANGSTER

J.MIZ
“Whats My Name” by DMX gets me hype. I used to bump the shit out of Gangsta Boo‘s “What U N*%#$z Want From a Bitch” in my Acura while driving to my job at a high-end private government hotel in my wool suit. THUG LYFE!

Before he was famous, Warren G used to get paid $4.80 an hour to make sure that streetlight didn't fall over.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
For me, it’s absolutely “Regulate” by Warren G and Nate Dogg. First, it starts off with a speech taken from Young Guns, a movie for which I have unabashed love. Second, this song came out while I was in high school. Two of my fellow Burger King coworkers at the time were gangster types. Now, you need to keep in mind that this came from the perspective of a Whitey McWhite guy who had just moved from Minnesota, where we the only black people I saw were on TV. So, in my mind, any black guy older than me who liked rap music and didn’t finish high school may as well have been an extra in Boyz in the Hood. Working the night shift, we’d throw Warren G in the CD player (resisting temptation to say “boombox”), and by the end of the summer, I had every cut on that album down cold. Definitely the thuggest time of my life.

DRIFT ROBERTS
I used to wrestle, and my introductory music — Simon and Garfunkel‘s “The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)” — got me all hyphy and shit. Barbra Streisand‘s “People” does it for me too.

ANDREW HICKS
For me, it’s 2Pac and Digital Underground, “I Get Around.” The second that beat drops, I become Al Capone in M.C. Hammer pants. I hope to live long enough to see this song exist on karaoke so I can tommygun my way through all three rappers’ verses.

J.MIZ
“Hail Mary” on 2Pac‘s alter ego CD causes me immediate vaginal sealing and penile growth. But I have to follow up with “Fuck the World” to complete the transformation with a set of full-functioning testicles.

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March 12, 2011

Shoulda Died Young: A WNF Free-For-All

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
So Elton John was seriously a genius for the first half of the ’70s. Then he put out the godawful “Crocodile Rock,” became a cartoon character, started writing almost exclusively for cartoon characters, almost went bankrupt because he spends some stupid amount on fresh flowers and now is just an aged celebrity more famous for being out of the closet than anything he’s actually done over the last 15 to 20 years.

ANDREW HICKS
That gets me thinking, who are some pop culture stars who would’ve had more respectable careers had they died early? Would Gallagher have become a revered cult comedian had he been assassinated in 1985?

BUDDAH ESKEW
I thought Gallagher drowned in a freak melon juice accident in 2002.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I think a lot of rock stars will fit under here. Does anyone revere anything the Rolling Stones or The Who have put out in the last 30 years? Those are pretty easy targets, though.

ANDREW HICKS
I think “Beast of Burden” is 31 years old, so you’re probably right.

Brando, after he should've been long-dead

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’m gonna go with Marlon Brando. By the time he went toes up, he was just a crazy fat man who spent the majority of his time on his private island. Let’s say he actually died during the making of Apocalypse Now. Sure he’d be remembered as being a bit strange, but that would be far, far outweighed by his career as an actor. On top of that, Apocalypse Now (which already has a mythic quality to it) goes to a whole new level in the history of film.

LINDSAY HARTLEY
Michael Jackson. I woulda loved to have seen one of the mommas of the little boys he touched just slit his throat.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
MJ is another way-too-easy target, though. If I’m going pop stars of the ’80s, I’d say Madonna. I know Ray of Light and Music are solid works, but what if she had died in 1989 after putting out Like a Prayer? She goes out with possibly her most ambitious album and becomes the <a href="John Cazale of pop music. More importantly if she croaks in 1989, she avoids all the drama of Dennis Rodman, Jose Canseco and Alex Rodriguez. The Kabbalah nonsense never comes up. Her marriage to Guy Ritchie and the subsequently horrid film Swept Away never happen. No one makes any jokes about how muscled up she’s become.

ANDREW HICKS
A Madonna who dies in 1989 is still a Madonna who starred in Shanghai Surprise.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Well… no career is perfect. Except John Cazale’s, as he can’t help that Francis Ford Coppola raped his corpse by putting footage of him into Godfather III.

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March 10, 2011

Vag-a-Bond

A TASTEFUL J.MIZ DISCUSSION
edited by ANDREW HICKS


J.MIZ
Riding in the car with my brother, and he’s flipping radio stations. His moment of resignation unfortunately came from a station that went from Luda to Ke$ha. HALP! Think I have a brain bleed ):

ANDREW J HICKS
Speaking of Ke$ha, you can’t spell “vagabond” without “vag.”

J.MIZ
You can’t spell “dick” without… “dick.”
Why did my brain just create a combo of Gold Bond/denture cream for pussy?! “Vag-a-Bond! Keeps you fresh AND reduces slippage by sealing your vag tight as the day you were born! Vag-a-Bond!”
Testimonial: “I’m wearing it right now!”
Cue salsa music and two 70-somethings dancing in Puerto Rico… “Oy vey, I need a nap…” VAG-A-BOND!

ANDREW J HICKS
I dunno. Maybe I’m just biased against 70-year-old vaginas.

J.MIZ
Hey man, don’t knock 70-year-old vag till ya try it! Especially with all the strides in vagiplasty! On my 40th birthday, I’m going in for a “preteen” nip and tuck!
“Yeah, she’s forty, but she has the pussy of a ten year old!” says my future husband/celebrity pedo. And by “celebrity,” I mean he’s had a sit-down with Chris Hansen. He was the one with the four pack of purple Four Loko and the red vines. He gets out in 2013! Can’t wait! Excite! (:
And Andrew, there comes a time when you must choose between 70-year-old cooch and 70- year-old balls! WHAT DO YOU DO?!
“In a world… where all genitalia is 70… there is one man, and one man only… who will fight to renew the junk of this post-apocalyptic world… This man is THE TAINT MASTER! He alone can bring youth to a cold, dead world’s nether regions!”
Starring Bruce Campbell as Andrew P Keaton.
Jus so you know, J.Miz had the best junk discussion today!

ANDREW J HICKS
It’s Ke$ha. Say what you will about her, but she really gets us ordinary Americans talking about elderly junk like no recording artist since maybe Grace Jones.

J.MIZ
She’s sooooo young, but she has the puss of the Crypt Keeper! Ah heh heh he heh!

March 9, 2011

Where Is The “Fun” In “Dysfunctional”?

by NATALIE STEINACHER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Having a family member with a mental illness is one thing. Most can handle that. You just roll with the punches and deal with it when the person’s issues pop up. After all, it’s not their fault; it’s a chemical imbalance in the brain. But it’s much harder to roll with a family member whose mental illness was brought on by their own doing.

My biological dad was a bisexual heroin and cocaine addict, pill-popping Mexican gangsta. Now, as a result of his lifestyle, he is a bipolar methadone addict who is HIV positive, has borderline multiple-personality disorder and is still a pill popper.

No, before anyone asks, I was NOT raised by this man. He was too busy raving and chasing chicks with dicks and poppin’ caps in people’s asses to be a full-time dad. I guess kids cramped his O.G. lifestyle. (O.G. stands for Original Gangsta, for those of you not familiar with Dr. Dre’s The Chronic.)

If you sense some sort of disdain in my writing, you are right. I have a very negatively biased view of my biological dad, a.k.a. sperm donor. I’ve tried to “be there” for him — like he wasn’t for me and my brother — because he is dying of AIDS. I figured I had no time to be mad; just roll with it, and be happy for the time he is here.

So after 12 years of him being here, I am a little pissed that, a) the more I learn of this man, the more I’m disgusted by him, and, b) if I would have known he would live this long, I would have let his ass have it when he first came back into my life, when I was 19, after 17 years of him being nowhere to be found.

All that aside, I let him live with me when he had no place to go. When he did get an apartment, I went to his house three days a week and cooked, cleaned and ran errands for him. After awhile, he offered to pay me for that “service” if I would give him some money every time I get paid, so he’d have money for bills.

Well, after awhile, that money for bills became money for pills, and I no longer felt comfortable being in the house with him. He is a 58-year-old teenager. He still lives like a 16-year-old boy, just without the random boners, cracking voice and acne.

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March 8, 2011

Scariest Celebrity Women To Not Have Sex With

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

HILARY CLINTON
I predict there is a lot of pent-up sexual frustration here, and her penis is   bigger than Bill’s. So I’ve heard.

FRAN DRESCHER
The voice! The voice! Did I mention the voice?

ZSA ZSA GABOR
One foot in the grave is sexy. Zsa Zsa has both feet in, and they’re Size 14s. Too old? Well, yeah, but bottom line: Too wrinkled and dry.

ANGELINA JOLIE
Hot? Yes, in a certain light, though I shrink up like a scared turtle.

LADY GAGA
Can you say “dominatrix”?

DOLLY MADISON
Okay, she’s dead, that’s sick. However, any chick with snack cakes makes me hard.

MARILYN MANSON
This chick can sing, but there is just something about her…

SARAH PALIN
See LADY GAGA.

OPRAH WINFREY
Damned! Look at the bank account on this chick. Now look at her body.  Throwing up a little. OKAY, A LOT!

RENEE ZELLWEGER
I think she is doggy. I foresee a sequel: Bridget Jones’ Diarrhea.

No matter how tempted you are by fortune, fame or kickass snack cakes, do not — I repeat, DO NOT! — have sex with these celebrities.

March 7, 2011

Cerebral Ballsy

by JAMES DRAPER

I am not an intelligent person. I just think everyone should know this as a fact. I don’t want anyone thinking I have the correct answer to anything, although I have plenty of answers. Nor should they believe I’ve done enough research on anything I may speak to, other than drawing from personal experience. No, this is not a disclaimer, just something to put in your hat for whenever my life intersects yours.

A person of my mental prowess rarely has the use for a word like “ponder.” However, this is something I have pondered for some time. How is it I get by? I mean, I am nowhere near the intelligence level I am expected to be. I know this because many of the people I come across talk to me as if I have a single clue. What the fuck they are talking about? I just agree and smile. Once they’re gone, I Google it and laugh that I didn’t know what they meant, or I hurry up, as I’ve spent a lot of project time finding out what I agreed to do.

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March 6, 2011

Constipation Music Mix

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Much like the sound of running water will help you get your pee stream going, the right music mix will cure constipation. Next time you find yourself chomping on Ex-Lax with no results, play these songs, in this order, and we promise poop productivity. You’ll just have to sit through 13 songs first. –Andrew Hicks]

Everyone poops. Even the blond from Abba.

CONSTIPATION MUSIC MIX
1. Ashford and Simpson – Solid as a Rock
2. The Supremes – You Keep Me Hangin’ On
3. Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax
4. Melissa Etheridge – Come to My Window
5. En Vogue – Give it Up, Turn it Loose
6. The Band – The Weight
7. The Police – King of Pain
8. The Doors – Break on Through to the Other Side
9. Aerosmith – Deuces Are Wild
10. Cypress Hill – When the Shit Goes Down
11. Snoop Dogg – Drop It Like It’s Hot
12. Tom Petty – Free Fallin
13. Lynyrd Skynyrd – That Smell

CONTRIBUTORS: Buddah Eskew, J.Miz, Chris Reitz, Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter, Andrew Hicks

March 3, 2011

A Charlie Sheen Rant, Dr. Seuss-Style

by KATE HAYES
special to WE’RE NOT FUNNY

[EDITOR’S NOTE: WNF staff is still taking the week off, but timeliness forces me off my butt to post the following rant written as Charlie Sheen in the style of Dr. Seuss, who would have turned 107 yesterday if he wasn’t busy being not alive anymore. If you like what you see here, please check out Kate’s blog, Adventures in Parenting. –Andrew Hicks]

I’m Charlie Sheen, and I like to win.
Don’t give me that look. Don’t judge me in sin.

You scoff at my mind ’cause your brain can’t behold it.
How could you, when it took Adonis to mold it?

Adonis? Who’s he? What’s that, you say?
I said I’ve the genes of a god in my DNA.

The genes of a god and the blood of a tiger.
You can measure my gamma rays using a Geiger.

I’m winning here, and I’m winning there.
Winning, winning everywhere!

I had a hit show called “Two and a Half Men.”
It would have been nothing without my ken.

That means “knowledge,” for all you losers.
You suck, just like my show’s producers.

The fun ends at one when they arrive on the set.
They puke on my genius. No thanks do I get!

I called them some names and they canceled the show.
Sad trolls. What a way to throw out good dough!

I’m going to sue. TO SUE! Wouldn’t you?
I’ll sue for money and gold and their toupees too.

I’ll be winning here and winning hair!
Winning, winning everywhere!

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