Archive for ‘Old Media’

January 9, 2012

Facebook Statuses From ’80s TV Characters

LIKE WNF ON FACEBOOK AND GET DAILY ONE-LINERS IN YOUR NEWSFEED

Whatever you think is happening, it's all a misunderstanding. -Jack Tripper, Three's Company

You’re goddamn right I did that!
Steve Urkel, Family Matters

I have black friends.
-Ricky Stratton, Silver Spoons

Fucking Charo! AGAIN!!
-Captain Stubing, The Love Boat

I wish I had boobs ):
-Punky Brewster

Yes, let’s have two grown single men and a Canadian with a puppet explain menstruating to me and my sisters. If you will excuse me, I am going to ask the bag lady down the street what to do with these tampons. FML!
-D.J. Tanner, Full House

I (heart) sheep. Like REALLY (heart) sheep.
-Balki, Perfect Strangers

Keep making fun of my accent. Hope you enjoy pubic-hair soup, dicks!
-Mr. Belvedere

Soon, the revolution will begin…
-Benson

We’re all out of grits, bitch!
-Alice

I banged Winnie!
-Kevin Arnold, The Wonder Years

I watched Kevin bang Winnie!
-Paul Pfeiffer, The Wonder Years

I’m having an awesome bang day!
-Blair, The Facts of Life

Sam Malone is in a relationship with Diane Chambers and “it’s complicated.”

I. AM. A. ROBOT. NOT. AUTISTIC. YOU. FUCKING. ASSHOLES.
-Vickie, Small Wonder

I LOVE PUSSY! HA!
-Alf

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Willis, Diff’rent Strokes

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Cliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Animal, The Muppet Show

I LOVE COCAINE!
-Mork, Mork and Mindy

I’m calling immigration.
-Mindy, Mork and Mindy

Norm Peterson checked in at TGIFridays. just now

Mmm hmm, honey. Mmm hmm.
-Any castmember from 227

Why doesn’t anyone else notice my two older sisters are half-white? When will the lies stop? FML!
-Theo Huxtable, The Cosby Show

If they only knew why I wore rainbow suspenders…
-Rerun, What’s Happening!

If they only knew why I wore rainbow suspenders…
-Mork, Mork and Mindy

Is anyone else creeped out that my old-ass parents had a new kid?! Me and Alex could be his parents!
-Mallory Keaton, Family Ties

Legalize it!
-Alex P. Keaton, Family Ties

I hate it when a plan goes spectacularly tits-up. Posted from Cook County Penitentiary
-John “Hannibal” Smith, The A-Team

Joanie Cunningham changed her relationship status from “married” to “divorced.”

Chachi Arcola changed his relationship status from “married” to “widowed.”

Bitches be trippin’!
-Blake Carrington, Dynasty

They don’t call me Boner for nothing!
-Boner, Growing Pains

Homey DOES play that Farmville.
-Homey the Clown, In Living Color

We’ve gotta get a second bathroom.
-Nicole, My Two Dads

My favorite people: Samantuh, Monuh, Eangeluh.
-Tony, Who’s the Boss

Yes, cracka, my middle name is Wayne too.
-Dwayne Wayne, A Different World

Banged Joan. Banged Natasha. Banged Chrissy. Banged Margie. Banged Cynthia. All before breakfast.
-Dan Fielding, Night Court

Banged Chrissy. Banged Cynthia. Banged Natasha. Banged Joan. Banged Margie. All before lunch.
-Sam Malone, Cheers

I pity too many fools. When is it my turn to be pitied? How many chains do I have to put on before my pain is noticed?
-Mr. T, The A-Team

CONCEIVED BY: J.Miz
EDITED BY: Andrew Hicks
ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Benjamin Bennington, Eric Dohman, Tony Fyler

November 10, 2011

Andrew vs. J.Miz: Heavy D Is Sinbad

by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ

From L to R: KRS-One, Scotty Pippin, Guy, Ralph Tresvant, "Sinbad," Montell Jordan, Bill Bellamy, Malcolm X, Skee-Lo, Heavy D.

ANDREW: In 1998, I made a bet with a friend that Heavy D and Sinbad were the same person. If Sinbad shows up at Heavy D’s funeral, I’m screwed.

J.MIZ: Today is Sinbad’s birthday. Irony? Or IS IT?! HES BACK, YO! And, as for determining the winner of said bet, I’m gonna go with marijuana winning that one.

ANDREW: It’d be cool if half of Heavy D could reincarnate into half of Sinbad. Imagine all those marginally funny jokes contained in all those marginally appealing rap songs.

J.MIZ: Or if they were both in the same body and had a predeliction for punching the opposing side. I’d pay top fucking dollar to see that slugfest.

ANDREW: I picture C+C Music Factory‘s Freedom Williams showing up to referee that event.

J.MIZ: Yeah! Or the fat dude from X Clan. And I’m pretty sure E-40 is the guy from P.M. Dawn.

ANDREW: I’m pretty sure Ray J is the other guy from P.M. Dawn. Which means Kim Kardashian fucked at least half of P.M. Dawn.

J.MIZ: Isnt Kardashian that Susanna chick from The Bangles with butt implants?

ANDREW: That really butch Bangle is Uncle Kracker.

J.MIZ: But didn’t Uncle Kracker turn into Bubba Sparxxx just before becoming Paul Wall? I’m pretty sure…

ANDREW: She was definitely the busiest Bangle.

read more »

November 9, 2011

The Majesty of Karaoke

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Karaoke: Where the world's most attractive people huddle together and scream beautifully into a microphone.

“For every failed singer in this world, there is a karaoke DJ eating his weight in hot wings by dim light.”
-Voltaire

The ancient Japanese art of karaoke has never really seemed to hit its zenith in America. Even today, every bar you go to has at least one karaoke night on its chalkboard schedule, nestled between $2 Pitcher Tuesday and Thirsty Thursday.

So what’s the appeal? For every Joe Average, maybe it’s the dream of wooing a lady friend with a mystical version of Peter Frampton‘s “Baby, I Love Your Way.” In reality, the alcohol involved always seems to transform Frampton’s ode to loving a female’s way into a horribly off-key, off-rhythm “‘OohbabeeILove…’ where am I? The damn screen’s moving too fast. Where’s Brenda at? Get up here, y’whore! ‘WannaTeeellYou…'”

Karaoke, at its crux, is basic good fun. No one’s there to judge your performance. Oh sure, that guy who just threw up on his shirt sorta looks like Simon Cowell, but remember: you’re wearing beer goggles. I lied about the “no one’s judging you” thing, actually. If you’re singing, you should be aware that I am judging you based on pitch, vocal range and choice of material. I am your own… personal… Cowell.

But you’re not going to win a recording contract and/or make millions with me. I’m judging you solely because I don’t want to make the same mistakes you do. Recently, I made plans to go out with a girl (yeah, I was surprised, too) who absolutely loves to sing. And apparently displays the same lack of shame that I do. A keeper? After tonight’s debacle? Right? (Right!) You’re bloody well right!

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October 22, 2011

Auction War Storage Hunters

by ERTEL GRAY
with ANDREW HICKS

”]I am an addict. Step One is admitting you have a problem, and that’s why I’m here. I’ve recently become extremely obsessed with the ever-expanding glut of TV shows about storage unit auctions. You know, those C-level reality shows where people haggle over one-of-a-kind items with pawn shop owners, and/or people rummage around in dilapidated barns and garages, finding rusted-out treasures that I’m told are high-dollar items.

A 19th-century steam-powered vibrator? $300. Thomas Jefferson’s giant granite dangling-cross earring, yanked from Mount Rushmore after fierce protests from Quakers? Four thousand bucks all day. A rare acetate demo of John and Yoko’s blistering 22-minute version of “I’m Henry the VIII, I Am”? Actually, there are 2 million copies of THAT garbage, but I’d still pay at least three grand for the chance to own it.

This is all my fault. I’m addicted to junk. For those who remain uninitiated to shows like “Storage Wars” and “Auction Hunters,” the premise is this — every day, thousands of unclaimed storage lockers are put up for auction. Bidding is fierce, and rivalries develop instantaneously over these storage lockers, which just might be chock-full of rarities and untold riches. It’s the ultimate in Ponzi* schemes, the rule being “buy low, sell high.”

Oh sure, there’s storage units that turn out to be a bust. Apparently, SOME people don’t feel that a damp, 8′ x 10′ concrete storage locker is the best place to keep their priceless copies of Action Comics #1 and miscellaneous Aztec artifacts. But the rule of thumb in the “Storage Wars” world is, if something has intrinsic value, you put it in a glorified carport and lock that shit up with a high-school-locker Master Lock. Then forget you owe $400 for the past four months’ rent and lose your padlocked carport altogether.

Meanwhile, think of how many actual archaeologists have given up scouring the actual ruins of some long-forgotten city whose name Indiana Jones couldn’t even pronounce correctly. Honestly, you can’t blame them. Spending months at a time in some dense jungle, amid the constant threat of attack by large primates and bot flies that lay eggs in open wounds — not to mention the oppressive “jungle stench” — doesn’t help morale. Especially after you’ve spent several months with a Maybelline rouge brush, carefully and intently brushing the faint traces of dirt, layer by layer, from a couple of shards of clay pottery. And it’s Christmas Day.

Take any archaeologist who’s been inspired to unlock the mysteries of Indy movies past, and ask that archaeologist if he or she now feels cheated for having taken that career path, and I’m almost positive the answer will be a resounding FUCK YEAH. (“I’ve been out here in the jungles of Costa Rica for four MONTHS now, and not ONE fucking Nazi! No crystal skulls!  It’s bullshit!”)

What the budding archaeologist fails to realize when he sets out on an Indy mission is that most of the good treasure has already been looted and sold on the black market. Now it’s somewhere in an 8 x 10 storage shed that’s in default of payment, waiting for some hulking behemoth of a man with head tattoos and Oakley shades to slowly bid it up to roughly $1,200 American.

So, in short, to any and all of you potential treasure seekers out there who might be reading this, give up dreams of Custer’s Gold. Put away the maps of Oak Island, and don’t even THINK about going near Fort Knox.

Bid on a storage unit.

You may end up with Lincoln’s personal stash of bukkake tintypes. Or, you might just end up with a fuck-ton of Tupperware. Either way, you played the game.

*Given our fascination with combining celebrity couple names, I can only conclude that — somewhere along the line — Potsi Webber and Arthur Fonzarelli, both of “Happy Days,” had a brief, albeit torrid sexual affair. The offspring, carried in Potsi’s butt for three trimesters, was the now-famous word Ponzi.

September 3, 2011

Song Challenge 19: Adult-Contemporary Guilty Pleasures

edited by ANDREW HICKS

Chicago's "Look Away" video: Hot chick. Fiery explosion. Still somehow boring.

ANDREW HICKS
Okay, I’ll go first. One of my guiltiest of guilty pleasures is Chicago‘s “Look Away.” It’s a Diane Warren song, even (that lady has written some of the worst pop ballads of all-time and become a billionaire in the process), and I love its maudlin gaudiness. The video, on the other hand, looks like an awful version of the depressing first half of a Folgers commercial with pyrotechnics tossed in.

ANNE GARDNER
What does “adult contemporary” mean exactly? Music that appeals to adults or music made by adults? Or both?

ERIC DOHMAN
Any music where you can replace the word “baby” with “Jesus” and it still sounds like it fits.

T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER
The narrowed-down definition would be: music by people our age for people our age. However, you can look at “past adult contemporary” music as well, which was music for peers in that time period. Think of softer, more R+B-driven non-bubblegum pop. Michael Bolton, Kenny G, Amy Grant‘s secular stuff, Elton John, Billy Joel, etc.”

ERIC DOHMAN
“Look away, Jesus, look away…

read more »

August 25, 2011

Catching Up With the Caught

NBC has made a newsmagazine staple out of its show To Catch a Predator. If you’ve never seen it, the TCAP camera crew catches creepy gentlemen of all shapes and sizes who enter police sting setups thinking they’re inches away from a sex meeting with a piece of chat room jailbait. Then Chris Hansen — now a C-list household name — shows up to conduct a smarmy, awkward interview before the alleged perv is carted off to jail.

You might be curious about what has happened to some of the most memorable bad guys from TCAP in the years since their pedo-busts aired on TV in between commercials for Tide and Burger King. Here are 7 follow-up stories, as We’re Not Funny presents…

CATCHING UP WITH THE CAUGHT

1. In 2006, David Kaye was enjoying a prosperous run as the only practicing rabbi in California to perform female circumcisions at bat mitzvahs. Then it all came crashing down as Kaye showed up to a TCAP sting house bare-chested and bearing iced oatmeal cookies and Four Loko. He’s since served three years in prison and, upon being paroled, entered into an intense right-wing Christian counseling program that not only “cured” him of his self-proclaimed “shorty fetish” but also his “case of the gayzies.”

.

2. John Rumsfeld of Ocean City was busted by Hansen just four days before he was scheduled to serve a sentence for another sex-solicitation charge. “I’d just seen that movie Double Jeopardy, and I figured I couldn’t be charged twice for committing the same crime. I didn’t realize they meant the exact same crime on the same victim. Oh well, what’s another few years in jail? Anyway, have you seen Ashley Judd’s kid in Double Jeopardy? Hotttttt!” In 2011, Rumsfeld is a sweater-wearing trolley operator, and he volunteers at the Olsen Twin Wax Museum on Senior Day.

read more »

August 2, 2011

Famous Literary Quotes

by ANDREW HICKS, WOO, ERIC DOHMAN and TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

“The horse owned the feed silo that the chicken ate from, the chicken would wash the car of the sheep. At one point, the donkey decided to vote Republican.”
-George Orwell, Animal Farm

“I wouldn’t call it a sex toy per se, but it does have all needed parts, my dear.”
-Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

“That’s what I have: Up Syndrome!”
-Chris Burke, My Name Is Not Corky

“YORK Jeff 2591 Hicks Pike 48791…………….414 234-03​36.”
The Real White Pages, Madison, Wis.

‎”I gave Bernie Leibowitz a toy airplane for his tenth birthday, and he never wrote me a thank you note. Who doesn’t write a thank you note? A Jew, that’s who!”
-Adolph Hitler, Mein Kampf

“At Christmas party, drink one bottle of gin and gently place breasts on copy surface. Press 100 then start.”
-Xerox 914 Operating Manual

read more »

July 30, 2011

Why Wrestling Is Awesome

by EMILY TOOPS
edited by ANDREW HICKS

A handful of WWE beefcakes Emily Toops would do naughty things with. Not pictured: Diversity.

Let me start this confession of sorts with a brief disclaimer that is common knowledge to those who know me personally: I am basically a 13-year-old boy on the inside. I adore fart jokes, monster truck rallies and the first two Transformers movies. I secretly wet myself every time I see trailers for upcoming Oscar-worthy tour de force of cinema Cowboys & Aliens. I don’t mind admitting any of that. But what I am about to tell you, I am almost never willing to reveal to friends and acquaintances without some pretty insistent prodding simply because I know it’s meant to be a guilty pleasure, not a dark obsession a la Dexter.

But to hell with it, I knew my cool kid act would never work on you people, so I’m going to come clean: I am a fan of the WWE. A big fan. Like, so much so that I have Alberto Del Rio’s theme as a ringtone on my phone. I watch Smackdown every Friday night on SyFy and Raw every Monday on USA. I yell at the screen when things don’t go my way. I went to a WWE event in Champaign, Ill., this past semester and cried tears of fan-girl joy at the realization that I am not the only girl under 200 pounds in Central Illinois who screams when she sees The Miz in person.

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July 16, 2011

Lost Rock Concept Collaborations

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by ERTEL GRAY and SARACAKES

Metallica scores movie starring Kermit and Miss Piggy: MASTER OF MUPPETS.

Woody Allen writes lyrics for Madonna album: NEUROTICA.

Courtney Love and Jonathan Davis hit the road: THE KORN/HOLE TOUR.

Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham’s album tribute to dance fads: FLEETWOOD MACARENA.

On the road with Styx and The Stones: THE WE’LL BREAK YOUR BONES TOUR.

Snoop Dogg’s long-awaited children’s album: HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGYSTYLE IN THE WINDOW?

Britney Spears covers Pink Floyd: COMFORTABLY DUMB.

read more »

July 8, 2011

Inappropriate Restaurant Music

by RYAN KRAUSE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ

Riots break out at KFC during Tuesday Two-Play day on Sirius XM's Michael Bolton Radio channel.

I’ve worked in restaurants for more than six years now, and as a music junkie I’ve always paid close attention to the music played in the dining room for the customers. I believe the music played in a restaurant is a vital component to creating a good mood in customers. Restaurants should play fun, upbeat, popular music that is considered to be tolerable by all people. These playlists are corporately compiled to be played in restaurant dining rooms, yet they frequently play the most bland, depressing, out-of-place, truly fucking shitty music that does NOT set the mood for fun.

Exhibit A for my argument: Tom Petty. You would think, Oh, a nice, light rockin’ Petty song would be good for a restaurant. My only question is, why the fuck would you play “The Waiting (Is the Hardest Part)” in a restaurant where food takes forever? You’re already pissed off, then you hear a song that reminds you of how waiting too long to fill your stomach with delicious food sucks ass. Then, after a shitty meal you hear multitracked voices chanting, “HEY! Don’t come around here no more!” You know these customers are thinking, That’s a great idea. I’m fucking NOT coming around here no more!

Another song that has royally pissed me off is Chris Rice’s “Lemonade.” Now, I listen to modern rap, and those ballers aren’t half as pompous as Chris Rice. His song is nothing but boasting how life handed him lemonade, instead of lemons from which to make lemonade. Which means his life has been easy as shit because he is a trust-fund baby. He is, and always will be, rich and “happy.” He will never have to work, or MAKE LEMONADE FROM LEMONS like the rest of us.

By the way, Chris Rice, your lyric, “Thanks for the happy ending,” is a punch in the face to all those average human beings who just waited 45 minutes for their hot-wing appetizers to come out. They already endured all that Tom Petty. Now, when they leave, they hear a song about a guy who is having the best life anyone has ever had ever! Whoever picked this song to be played during dining hours at a restaurant is a huge dick!

Other “Horrible Mentions” in the Inappropriate Restaurant Music category go to: John Mayer, “Waiting For the World to Change”; Michael Jackson, “Man In the Mirror”; and Bryan McKnight, “Back At One.” Those three songs, back to back, are enough to make me stab a random person in the face with a fork. And guess what? A restaurant customer’s silverware rollup comes with two forks! Since this trio of crap music comes from the iPod playlist of a fauxhawked douchetard bartender at my current place of employment, maybe the customers should fork-stab him! Then maybe he won’t play the same iPod playlist every night. (I mean, seriously, this dillweed never hits the “shuffle” button).

It would be kind of cool to see a depression-induced mass suicide during the dinner rush, due to the back-to-back playing of “This Year’s Love” by David Gray and any REM song. Maybe the restaurant people would finally say to themselves, “Shit! Mass suicide! Maybe we should rethink our music playlist!” Then the playlist-making bartender would reply, “Nah, let’s go the safe and easy route, add a little Yanni and take away their forks.”

July 7, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Song That Would Play As You Stepped Up To a Major League Batter’s Box

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 17
SONG THAT WOULD PLAY AS YOU STEPPED UP TO A MAJOR LEAGUE BATTER’S BOX

"Mark McGwire likes Guns 'N Roses. You will play some Guns 'N Roses for Mark McGwire NOOOWWWWWWW!!!!"

JESSICA STIMSON
Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Linda Ronstadt. I could be totally wrong on the artist. My apologies if I am.

DRIFT ROBERTS
Pat Benatar. Have that one on vinyl. I may secretly be 44 years old.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Gotta be Big Pun‘s “Still Not a Player.” (“I’m not a playa, I just crush a lot.”) Big Pun was my favorite 700-pound rapper of all times. I’m not slight of build, but damn, that guy was a fat motherfucker. When you’re outfitting your living room with cargo-type doors and having furniture specially made, I would think a person might say to him/herself, “Maybe it’s time for a salad.”

WOO
“Ready or Not,” The Fugees.

MICHELLE DEE
Woo lies. I see him walking up to bat with Rick Ross‘s “Hustlin'” playing. Then proceeding to dry hump the catcher, Kat Williams-style.

WOO
Holy shit, I forgot about “Hustlin'”! What’s wrong with me? I CALL REDO. “Hustlin'” it is!

EMILY TOOPS
LL Cool J, ‎”Mama Said Knock You Out.” It’s also my hypothetical WWE ring entrance music.

SCOTTY HARRIS
As someone who thinks baseball is the worst thing on the planet, I think I would have to play any song that might get people to quit paying to watch this horrible sport and indirectly signing million dollar contracts for people to hit a fucking ball. I hate all professional sports, but at least in football you run the risk of getting paralyzed for being such a douche to begin with. So, maybe a two-hour loop of Michael Richards‘ meltdown. Backed with the “Barney” theme song. With vocals by Yoko Ono. And William Hung.

J.MIZ
I’m with Scotty. I’d write my own song called “SOMEBODY HELP! WTF AM I DOING HERE?! UNLESS I’M ON A SHIT-TON OF ACID, THEN I’LL PITCH A NO HITTER.”

ALLISON STEIN
“Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns ‘N Roses. (“You’re in the jungle baby! / I wanna watch you bleed!”)

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Yup, that was Mark McGwire‘s at-bat music whilst he played for the Cardinals.

ALLISON STEIN
I attribute that song choice to possible ‘roid rage: “Hey Mark, what song would you like to be played as you come up to the batter’s box?” “I want ‘Welcome to Jungle.'” Then he plays some ferocious air guitar and beats the shit out of some poor teammate.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
When Matt Morris was a Cardinal, he would come out to Phish‘s “Weekapaug Groove.” The idea that he might be playing baked always made me smile.

RYAN KRAUSE
Jumbo Shrimp, “Fuck Your Shit Up.” I only am called to the plate when they need a “game changer,” and that song definitely is a game changer!

June 16, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 6

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

If the J.Miz's Cougar Pops truck is a'rockin', it probably means the nearest high school has let out for the day.

WEDNESDAY

The next time I see cupcakes in a bar, I’m gonna start punching white people.

About to go from living solo to cohabitation. I am beginning to realize the necessity of censoring my flatulence.

My guy friend was saying how awesome the Jedi mind trick would be for getting laid. Then I realized, I have that! It’s called a vagina!

I’m so committed to being a cougar I bought an ice cream truck that only plays “Milkshake” by Kelis.

Sobriety’s made me socially awkward. When I go out I still pretend to drink, I act wasted, and I walk home shamefully the next morning.


TUESDAY

When I see a fat kid with fat parents, I feel bad. I mean, those poor parents are stuck having to love a fat kid!

No matter who you are, what you do or what you think, you do not have haters. You’re not that important. To anyone. That is all.

I’ll know I’ve hit rock bottom when I fuck a ventriloquist, a guy who does impressions or that dude who wanted me to call his cock a “crank.”

My mom is always stealing my lighters. I hate it! And besides, at her age, she should really stop smoking crack.

My cat just pooped on my futon. I was angry until I did some quick math and figured out that, long term, it would be more cost-effective than using kitty litter.

 

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June 14, 2011

When I Was A Kid In The 80’s…

by ANNE GARDNER and ANDREW HICKS
edited by WOO and ANDREW HICKS

Wait, that's not a box of Chicken McNuggets, it's a crazy Transformer hanging out in a fake styrofoam box!

There were no gender-specific McDonald’s Happy Meal toys back in the day. Boy or girl, you got the same toy, like it or not. They were shitty, and they got exactly one play session — during the ride home — before being sentenced to life imprisonment in the toy box. Now kids get Barbie dolls and Littlest Pet Shop (“That’s who!”) figurines. I’m talking the real toys.  Lucky kids. Of course, these children are fatter, slower and weaker now than we were, but whatever. I still feel ripped off.

There were TWO different brown M&M’s during my childhood. A light brown and a dark brown. Someone must’ve misheard the acronym for the colors of the rainbow — “Broy G. Biv,” or some shit. The company finally realized brown was one color and killed the lighter-skinned M&M, but I wonder what kind of personality the light brown M&M would’ve had if it’d survived to be a part of the current ad campaign. Like the green one’s all sexy, the yellow one’s a fatass with a comb-over, the red one is gay… what would the light brown one have been like? Social reject? Awkward jokester? Corner pouter at the cocktail party? Or would he just get pulled over by cops all the time because he’s BROWN?

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June 8, 2011

Prince’s Birthday Itinerary

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

1 pm - Play symbol-shaped guitar in field of blue fiber optic wires and purple posies while a sheep looks on.

The Purple One turned 51 yesterday, and it was a special birthday for the little man. We know it was special because WNF operatives managed to get ahold of his symbol-shaped day planner. Here’s how Prince planned to spend his birthday time:


5 am
– Get woken up by alarm clock that blurts out “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.”

5:30 am – Eat bowl of Cap’n Crunch with soy milk.

6 am – Open blinds, check to see if sky is all purple and people are running everywhere.

6:30-8 am – Do Pilates while listening to 90-minute version of “Batdance.”

8:15 am – Finally shave off that eighth grade mustache.

9 am – Walk door to door asking neighbors if they’re ready for Jehovah’s return.

10 am – Call Rebecca Black. Ask her if she’s interested in collaborating on a song about Hump Day. When she excitedly says yes, laugh loudly, scream “No way, bitch!” and hang up.

10:15 am – Grab aloe vera tissue, gently wipe away tears from eyes of pet dove.

10:30 am – Go online and see if there are any sweet new axes on PhallicGuitars.com.

11 am – Open package in the mail, roll eyes when it turns out to be a strawberry beret. Realize your friends don’t know you at all.

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June 6, 2011

Song Challenge 16: Most Irritating Kids’ Song

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

You know what makes you wiggle? Meth.

SARACAKES
The lyrics to “The Alphabet Song” are kinda lame.

JESSICA STIMSON
Barney‘s theme song: “I love you, you love me / Mommy’s gonna need some PCP.”

ALLISON STEIN
Everything by Barney sucks. Barney needs to die in a horrible, fiery car explosion after having his prostate examined by a doctor nicknamed Big Knuckles McGee.

J.MIZ
I think anything Barney needs to be mind-sucked from every generation that had to endure that Clockwork Orange-type shit! If I saw that as a kid, I’d be shitting my bed every night… Instead, there are other reasons.

ERTEL GRAY

I gotta go with that Fruit Salad” song by The Wiggles. Scratch that — anything ever recorded, uttered or even remotely associated with The Wiggles gets my vote.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I would say “The Potty Dance Song,” but I kinda burned it onto a CD, and I kinda listen to it like every day now.

ANNE GARDNER
The Cuppy Cake Song.” I don’t think I even need to explain why I hate it. Click the link. You’ll hate it too.

RYAN KRAUSE

Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen‘s “Peanut Butter,” from their hit album Brother For Sale. The Olsen/ twins are so young in this song that they sound like a duo of metally handicapped adult ladies. Kinda funny how I would’ve loved to smother them both in peanut butter and lick it off when I was 18. (I can say that shit. Mary Kate and Ashley are the same age as me.)

ANDREW HICKS
I’d lick peanut butter off either Olsen twin or both simultaneously. (I can say that shit. I love peanut butter that much.)

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May 25, 2011

Song Challenge 15: Most Shameless Song About Jailbait

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 15: MOST SHAMELESS SONG ABOUT JAILBAIT

Barney's "friends."

JAMES DRAPER
“I Love You, You Love Me,” by Barney the Dinosaur.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
That dirty bastard Gary Puckett and his perv-o buddies the Union Gap confessed and harmonized their obsession with Young Girl. (“Young girl, get out of my mind / My love for you is way outta line / You’d better run, girl! / You’re much too young, girl!”) Seriously, that entire song is about a guy who’s popping a chubby over the neighborhood girl scout.

ANDREW HICKS
I get creeped-out chills when I hear Ringo congratulate that girl in the song on turning 16. I figure he’s had his eye on her for awhile.

J.MIZ
“Meet My Ex-Boyfriend,” by J.Miz.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Since he’s been found with child porn on his computer, deported from Cambodia for suspected statutory rape and convicted in Vietnam of statutory rape, it’s hard not to read meaning into some of Gary Glitter‘s supposedly innocuous lyrics. I think a good rule of thumb would be to assume any songwriter named Gary is a pedophile.

ANDREW HICKS
Googled G. Glitter. When he was convicted for his kid porn, the judge noted that his stash was “carefully, deliberately and enthusiastically done.” No joke necessary. This guy was clearly a connoisseur.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I am now going over the lyrics of Rascal Flatts songs to find evidence of the secret yearnings of high-voiced lead singer Gary LeVox.

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May 16, 2011

From the Mind of J.Miz, Volume 2

Cemetery: The singles' bar for the new millennium.

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

I’m going to start using the obituaries as a dating tool. I can be very comforting to recently widowed penis.

The religious will tell you to pray and repent in order to be spared on Judgment Day. Fuck that, just make sure you’re in line behind ME.

As a single woman in her thirties, it’s difficult for me to meet guys. I’m starting to miss my old job as Glory Hole Attendant.

My Jewish boyfriend would like to thank the Pope for all the time I spent in Catholic church, kneeling.

I confronted my boyfriend about his sex addiction, and he’s in therapy now. Sadly for me, it’s hands-on therapy to improve his technique.

With this humidity, I should just wear my hair curly, but I can’t find my Black Power pick. And I’m nothing without my accessories.

I once dated a guy with ED. Yeah, his dick would fail… at recognizing who its girlfriend was.

I would never get paid for sex. Robbing dudes afterward is way more fun.

I will never forget my senior prom. That was the night my daughter Toiletta was born.

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May 13, 2011

From the Mind of J.Miz

Yoko Ono, what HAVEN'T you ruined?

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Chicken-murdering tornados, the Royal Wedding, Bin Laden and Donald Trump. With all the conspiracy theorists out there, why is no one seeing these eerie coincidences and asking, “Where the fuck is Yoko Ono?!”

If you let him, my boyfriend would level the world, start it all over his way, and we’d invent alcohol, Xanax and AA simultaneously.

I had an ex who liked me to say how “big” he was during sex. I had no problem with that until i mistook a polygraph machine for some kinky shit. Grown men crying ain’t a sexy look.

I went on a dinner/first date last week. Even before dessert, he asked me if I wanted kids. I thought, Not till I see you pay our check, buddy! Then I thought, Shit, maybe he’s down for some “practice” tonight. So I answered, “Wow, that’s such a refreshing question to be asked by a guy. Let’s get the bill and discuss this over drinks. Teeheehee!” SUCKER!

My ex-boyfriend called me last night to see if I wanted to fool around. I said, “Isn’t that basically all we did for two years?” He then offered to do oral, and I told him no again. As a last ditch effort, he said he’d do “that thing you like.” I told him, “Fucking other guys? What do you think your call interrupted?!”

My cat Dwight is hating me pretty hard right now, for what he calls Showing Off and what I call Making Myself A Sammich.

I have the volume turned low on the ‘puter and could swear I just heard Robert Smith beautifully sing the word “tits.”

If life was like Facebook, my “single” vagina would “report abuse.”

My ex-boyfriend was really into me staring him in the eyes and giving him handy j’s. It was really uncomfortable to laugh so hard with him gawking at me like that.

The Mother’s Day photo campaign on Facebook is a bit insensitive to people whose moms may have died. It’s more of a smack in the face than Facebook denying the pic of my mom from a porn shoot she did in the ’80s.

The last guy I slept with took so long to finish, by the time he was done, I was already fucking the next guy.

My friend called me today to see how I was. I answered the phone solely so I could make him jealous that I was listening to Hall and Oates.

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May 8, 2011

3DSC, Day 14: Best song by a boy band or girl group

This pic stolen from Rofl Razzi.

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 14: FAVORITE SONG BY A BOY BAND OR GIRL GROUP

WOO
“I Want It That Way” by the Backstreet Boys not only has a nice soft groove to move to, it also serves as reminder that “Y” can be used as a vowel sound. (“Tell me why-eeeeee.”)

ANNE GARDNER
I wasnt really allowed to listen to secular music growing up, so I missed a lot. I was, however, “down with the DC Talk.” I liked that song, “That Kinda Girl,” about the perfect Christian woman. I felt like the boys were singing it just for me. I was, after all, the picture of virtuousness… Virtuosity… Virtuously…. Virtuism… Fuck it… Whatever…

WOO
I used to listen to this Messikan rapper named T-Bone who did Christian hip-hop. Of course, I always listened to secular too. I was rather lucky, as my parents took a religious hiatus from the time I was 9 until I was 19. I got to enjoy my teen years without psychotic restrictions on things like music and clothing. However, my attempts to draw a pentagram on the basement floor were always thwarted before I could get the candles lit.

ANNE GARDNER
I used to sneak-listen to New Kids on the Block. I loved their song “Hangin’ Tough” and had a poster of a cat on my wall hanging by just one paw from a clothes line or something. It was my private rebellion against my parents. And, I had a secret crush on Donnie Walhberg. I didn’t find out until later that it was his brother Mark that gave me the really good vibrations. #funkybunch

ANDREW HICKS
“MMMBop” is still damn catchy, and I bet in the years since, the members of Hanson have grown up to be some very stunning, handsome women.

C.J. DODD
“Judas” by Lady Gaga. I technically consider her recordings to be a “band performance” because she has two sets of genitals.

ANNE GARDNER
I heard somewhere that Gaga’s shoulder horns are going to start backup singing on her next tour.

EMILY TOOPS
Too bad Enrique Iglesias doesn’t count as a group. “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)” is today’s answer to Frank Sinatra‘s “The Way You Look Tonight.”

Fun game: See how many of these haircuts you can spot during your next trip to Wal-Mart.

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May 4, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 3

Recently reincarnated as middle-aged Illinois barfly. Yes, gentlemen, she is single.

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

MONDAY

My boyfriend is visiting from New York. He kept emphatically insisting, “You should move, baby! You should move!” Honestly, I was pretty afraid until I realized I was laying on his nuts.

My boyfriend says I’m pretty when I cry. This makes me happy. The rape and domestic violence, not so much.

I’m finally dating an older guy who likes to dance. Unfortunately, in the years I’ve been waiting, there has been an end to the need for glow sticks.

I just had my first argument with my new boyfriend. It was hot and wet. He only needed 28 stitches.

SATURDAY

Looking at a woman. Late 40s/early 50s. Black tank, stretch jeans, white three-quarters blazer, white gym shoes, pork pie hat. Somewhere, Duckie from Pretty in Pink is pissed! And half-naked.

I wonder if anyone ever used multiple personality disorder as a DUI defense: “Officer, only one of us was drunk, and that guy was NOT driving!”

I put effort into what I’m wearing for work. An old dude just said, “I like your overall look!” Then he said, “But I’m a prick, what do I know?!” Fuck your old-saggy-balls compliment, Indian giver!

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May 1, 2011

Dicks: A Song About Sausage Fests

Paul Lao is himself a dick.

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

[To the tune of any piece-of-shit song by Papa Roach]

VERSE 1
This place is so great, there is so much beer.
Alright Mikey, we’ll walk around
If you and I split up we’ll cover more ground
In a half an hour we’ll try and meet here
Once we find girls we’ll probably find more beer
Oh, wait a minute, I’ve become out of touch
There’s something amiss, there’s something too much.
A guy over here, a guy over there
OMG, what a nightmare!
I hope this is some kind of trick
’cause I think we are surrounded by DICK.

CHORUS
Dicks! Dicks! Dicks!
I’m sick of looking at pricks
Dicks! Dicks! Dicks!
These are horrible statistics.
You know that there is a confounding factor
One obvious detractor
That that none of us can fix
It’s the incredible population of dicks! Dicks! Dicks!

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April 29, 2011

3DSC, Day 13: Song you naively put on a mix tape thinking it was a panty dropper

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 13: SONG YOU NAIVELY PUT ON A MIX TAPE THINKING IT WAS A PANTY DROPPER

Samwell: sexual chocolate consuming sexual chocolate.

J.MIZ
Guys: “Me So Horny,” 2 Live Crew will always work on me. End of story.

ANDY HUBER
Thong Song” worked for me, but when I asked where she got her Coleman panties from, she told me the camping section at Wal-Mart. I also once put “Closer” by NIN on as foreplay, but the girl got mad when I misunderstood the chorus and brought out a labrador.

ANDREW HICKS
“I want this enormous dog to feel you from the inside.”

J.MIZ
I threw on In the Butt” by Samwell cuz I wanted a guy to hit the backdoor, but that was before I knew his past history of being anally raped in prison. Shoulda known something was up when he disappeared into the shower, crying and comfort rocking for three hours.

ANDREW HICKS
I used to think “Gett Off” by Prince would have the magic effect on a lady, but it’s too much work to stop and think about those dumbass lyrics. “So Prince has a friend named Vanessa Bett? I’ve never heard of anyone with the last name Bett. I think he just needed a word to rhyme with wet. How fucking elementary. And I’m supposed to get turned on that Vanessa Bett had a fantasy about ‘a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside’? Is this ‘box’ as in ‘vagina’? Or an actual box with a mirror and tongue? Is the mirror there so the tongue can groom itself? Does the tongue lick the mirror and THAT’S sexy? Does the tongue have nostrils and is snorting coke off the mirror?” And at that point, I’m just like, “Okay, let me drive you home now.”

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April 23, 2011

Simple English

by WOO

  • Shouldn’t words look more like what they are? Shouldn’t Mirror be MirrororriM?
  • “I” before “E” except aft… No! FUCK YOU!
  • What do you have to do to make the sound “onomatopoeia”?
  • I don’t use no double negatives just for the attention.
  • There are English words meant to confuse because they’re all alike in their sound.
  • If you have more sense than a gnat, you would know when to use then.
  • If I see another person refer to multiple homicides as a “cereal” killing I am going to serially rape them in the earhole.
  • You cannot graduate an entity. You graduate FROM it. The same goes for released. You don’t graduate college, and you don’t get released prison. You graduate from college, and are released from prison.
April 21, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 2

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Which one's the creepy one? We're still not sure.

TUESDAY

There are ten Christmas Peanut M&Ms resting peacefully on a ledge inside the trash chute door. I’m soooooo tempted… *crunch crunch crunch*

For 2 seconds, I thought I was Facebook friends with the creepy uncle from “Full House.” Turns out its just a guy from high school. And no, I did NOT go to Montesorri Statutory Rape Academy.

Tonight, I felt compeled by my heritage to cook in the style of my families’ homelands. The downside is I singlehandedly made my entire floor smell like an eastern European fart.

I’m standing in my kitchen, with a 15-year-old Mighty Ducks sweatshirt on, no pants, one sock, chopping green onions for my dinner. Happy wet dream, people.

MONDAY

When I got home last night, thanks to my new Rastafarian neighbor who has rappist shows on the weekends, the whole floor smelled like weed. I said, “Holy marijuana, Batman!” but not like the old TV show. More in a Malibu Barbie kinda way. I want to meet him and mysteriously call him MB. Because fucking with stoners is my passion.

I was going back through my Facebook newsfeed when it hit me — I honestly don’t give a flying fuck what ANYONE does before noon.

I am a man trapped in a lesbian’s body. That man REALLY hates eating pussy.

As a reward for not populating the earth with EVEN MORE FUCKING PEOPLE, women of a certain age should be graced with the gift of lactating the alcoholic beverage of their desire.

While working as a cocktail waitress, “just the tip” is a lifestyle.

SUNDAY

I’ve never heard my cat Dwight fart. Maybe that’s why he’s always so pissed.

Do you think when I’m not home, Dwight puts on my pannies and plays Fancy Lady Tea Party?

I am so super thirsty, you woulda swore i was just moggin’ on a salt lick or something. Sheesh.

“WTF kinda chicken is this? Tell me, bitch! Tell me! What makes you think I’d eat this trailer park shit?! Look at me, bitch! Answer me!!” -Dwight’s reaction to cream of mushroom chicken

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April 18, 2011

50 dance songs whose titles double as euphemisms for masturbation

by WOO

  1. Get It on the Floor – DMX
  2. Rock the Bells – LL Cool J
  3. U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
  4. Party Starter – Will Smith
  5. The Real Slim Shady – Eminem
  6. Pump It – Black Eyed Peas
  7. Crank That – Soulja Boy
  8. Rock Your Body – Justin Timberlake
  9. Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ – Michael Jackson
  10. Breathe, Stretch, Shake – Mase
  11. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It – Will Smith
  12. Let’s Get It Started – Black Eyed Peas
  13. Whoomp! There It Is – Tag Team
  14. Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch feat. Loleatta Holloway
  15. Get Ready For This – 2 Unlimited
  16. Here Comes the Hotstepper – Ini Kamoze
  17. C’mon ‘N Ride It (The Train) – Quad City DJs
  18. I Like To Move It – Real 2 Real feat. The Mad Stuntman
  19. Touch Me (All Night Long) – Cathy Dennis
  20. Rhythm of the Night – Corona
    read more »

April 17, 2011

Who cooks their french fries in gasoline?

by MICHELLE DEE

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN AMERICA GOES TO HELL

  • Electricity is now a rare commodity – A nationwide outcry of “I’M BORED” is eerily heard in the night from America’s unplugged children.
  • The Internet has become even more rare – Tens of millions of Facebook and World of Warcraft addicts now turn to more attainable methadone to dull the effects of withdrawal.
  • Oil production ceases – The streets of America are filled with hilarious sightings of Fat-Former-French-Fry-Eating-Mofos on rusted little bikes.
  • Looting, violence, and protection of life and property are now the norm – Fear of crazy right-wing gun owners reaches an all time high, resulting in extreme hippie liberals becoming sought after with their arsenal of weapons and ammunition to combat this growing threat.
  • The end of digital music creates “The Lost Generation” – These people will be out of the loop with the “new” way of music, as cassettes and CDs make a huge comeback in battery-powered devices.
  • Extreme capitalism takes over – Biff Tannen becomes President.
April 13, 2011

3DSC, Day 12: Song you just like because of the video

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 12: SONG YOU JUST LIKE BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO

J.MIZ

When asked about being so close to a vicious, deadly creature, the snake said Britney was cool, but that song she did called "Lucky" was a piece of crap.

Oh Baby Baby” and “I’m a Slave 4 U” by Miss Britney. Who says chicks can’t have school girl and snake fantasies?! And she danced her white girl booty off. I loved “Slave” on MTV and in the club, but neither got put on a J.Miz mix tape of any sort.

ANDREW HICKS
I put “Slave” on a mix CD. And I don’t think I would have paid attention to any Britney Spears song if not for the videos. Except “Toxic.” “Toxic” is pure pop genius.

J.MIZ
She’s sexy when she’s not banging K-Fed or batshit.

ANDREW HICKS
At first, I thought you meant when Britney’s not banging K-Fed or banging batshit.

J.MIZ
I’m pretty over “Thriller,” but that’s by far one of the best videos ever made ever ever.

ANDREW HICKS
I’m pretty over YouTube videos of flash mobs imitating the “Thriller” graveyard dance sequence.

J.MIZ
I like the pseudo-lesbianism of Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler in the AerosmithCrazy” video, but the meter of that song gets my goat. (What am I, 80 now? Gets my goat? WTF.) Not to hate on Aerosmith and get simultaneously jooked by Buddah, but that’s my least favorite song of theirs. The bitches be banging though.

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March 30, 2011

3DSC, Day 9: Song to play at someone you dislike’s funeral

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


WNF SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 9
BEST SONG TO PLAY AT SOMEONE YOU DISLIKE’S FUNERAL

SARACAKES

A happy sea lion, celebrating his promotion at work, seconds before being chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane.

The Lion Sleeps Tonite,” at the funeral of some baby sea lions. (“A-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way, a-wee-ma-way…”) Cute and/or endangered animals seem a safe way to go.

ANDREW HICKS
It’s always cool to make fun of dead baby sea lions.

J.MIZ
Wouldn’t “In Da Club” by 50 Cent be apropos for dead baby seals as well?

BUDDAH ESKEW
My mother in-law. “Another One Bites the Dust.”

LINDSAY HARTLEY
I Hate Everyone” from Say Anything. Because… I fucking hate you.

J.MIZ
I grew up in Joliet, Ill. We had a lot of bridges. They scared me. So, for my driver’s ed teacher, who I’m sure broke eight laws a week and made me take ALL the bridges — suck on some Fergie as your send-off, you sick sadist fuck.

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March 28, 2011

3DSC, Day 8: Strangest song you’ve had sex to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 8: STRANGEST SONG YOU’VE HAD SEX TO

The members of 2 Live Crew take a peek up Lady Liberty's sexy green robe.

SCOTTY HARRIS
Unprotected Sex With Multiple Partners” is the only song I ever listen to during sex. It’s a choice I made the very first time I never got laid.

SARACAKES
Proud To Be an American,” while fucking an Iraqi. Okay, not really, but I SO wish. Not only are those dudes pretty handsome, but they for the most part grow them some awesome flavor-savers. Nothing like tasting the tricklings of my own ladybits while he’s angrily pounding away. (“Where at least I know I’m free.”)

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sabbath Bloddy Sabbath” sure can darken the mood.

J.MIZ
During like sophomore year, a guy I was gaga over knew my buttons. So when he picked me up in his gold convertible, wearing a polka-dot silk shirt, eyebrow freshly notched, patent-leather metal toes shining — AND handed me two cans of MGD and threw on 2 Live Crew… ONCE AGAIN, ITS ON!
( DISCLAIMER: I was a vaginal virgin till college, but I still popped that coochie like a fucking rider, son.)

ANDREW HICKS
I have tracks from the ’60s on my iPod where Johnny Carson is being interviewed about comedy, and that always distracts me, because I’m trying to get down with the sex and can’t tune out the background noise. And Johnny’s saying shit that makes me think, so one part of the brain is like, “Go pinch the other nipple now,” and another part of the brain is like, “He’s right about timing. A half beat pause twice during the setup, then a beat and a half just before the meat of the punchline.”

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Generally speaking, I’ve chosen the music for said encounters. I gotta think a song like “Short Dick Man” from 20 Fingers would be fairly upsetting though.

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March 17, 2011

3DSC, Day 4: A song that infuriates you

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS


THE WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 4: A SONG THAT INFURIATES YOU

"COLLECTION OF BUTCHERY IN MY TOOL SHED! / FEMALE HEADS AND ENTRAILS HANG FROM THE CEILING! / RATS FEASTING ON CHUNKS OF SKIN! / SHIT AND BLOOD STAINS SMEARED ON THE FLOOR! / NUM NUM NUM NUM NUM!!!"

SCOTTY HARRIS
Any song that contains use of “words” that can’t be found in a dictionary. By that, I mean rap, whatever that screaming crap is where they change pitch but never actually say anything, and a surprisingly large number of country songs.

J.MIZ
Ugh, I hate screamo Cookie Monster music too. “Gimme cookie / Gimme cookie / Gimme cookie / Dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!” And I hate country, save for some old stuff or the more pop-sounding new stuff.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I really fucking hate the Ween song “Push th’ Little Daisies.” Not only is the song irritating like a “Judging Amy “marathon, but I also find the abbreviated “the” to be so incredibly fucking stupid that I very nearly don’t have the words. Fuck this song. Fuck this band and the two douchebags it’s comprised of with their made up fucking rhymefest names.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I fucking hate WEEN!

J.MIZ
I hate weenises.

MICHELLE DEE
American Pie.” That’s right, I went there. Hate that song ever since I started frequenting karaoke. What kind of timecow are you to sing “American Pie” when 25 other people only have 3.5 hours to sing as many songs as they can?

Jenny Lewis. Don't worry, we haven't heard of her either.

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