Posts tagged ‘Homeland Security’

August 16, 2011

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century, Part 3

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgement to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. Click here to read Fyler’s previous Devil’s Guides. –AJH]

Agnosticism: Theological bet-hedging.

Airplane: The dream of gods and heroes, an airplane is a magical conveyance that allows man finally to achieve the goal of flight. So magnificent is it, in fact, that it requires the invention of a special device – the airline – to turn it into a soul-sucking cavalcade of human misery. 21st century airlines are very good at their job.

Alcohol: Evolution’s accelerator pedal.

Bank: A legalised consortium of thieves, scoundrels and extortionists which, against all the laws of mathematics, collectively manages to achieve a moral standard somehow lower than any of its parts.

Baseball: The least imaginative use ever made of a baseball bat.

BFF (Best Friends Forever): A promise made by people too shallow to understand that “forever” extends beyond next week.

Capitalism: Economic system that gives the rights of personhood to corporations and the rights of deities to currencies, in the belief that money, if sufficiently worshipped, will reproduce.

Catholicism: Pyramid scheme with pointy hats and promises.

Celebrity: Egomaniac with entertainment value.

Chocolate:  Throughout the whole of recorded history, mystics, alchemists and other assorted hippies have searched and toiled and sweated to discover the distilled elixir of life. Now available at Walmart.

Cocaine: Sugar for those with more money than sense.

Coalition: System of government specifically designed to ensure nobody gets what they want. A finely-tuned misery engine, in essence.

Communism: Economic and political system based on the idea that many idiots are better than one.

Compromise: A 21st century notion by which everybody loses. Originally the invention of desperate parents of multiple siblings, it was never meant to be taken seriously by anyone over the age of 8.

Credit Card: A plastic lie which guarantees not only its own discovery but also its own punishment.

Cynicism: Accuracy.

Debt Ceiling: The economic value of exactly how much sincerity can be forced into this statement: “The check is in the mail.”

Ecology: The idea that extinction should be avoided at all costs. Currently unsupported by large groups of people who appear to believe that, so long as everyone else dies first, they win.

Fashion: A subtle co-mixture of style and stupidity.

Fast Food:  If you watch chimpanzees eat, several facts become apparent. They eat with their hands, grunt and squeal unintelligibly and will, if the occasion demands it, happily ingest a mouthful of feces. The theory of evolution claims mankind diverged from his chimpanzee cousins some 5-7 million years ago. Fast food restaurants prove that the theory of evolution may not be all it’s cracked up to be.

Gym: A voluntary torture chamber.

Gymnastics: Sadomasochism with a scoring system.

Homeland Security: The notion that the nation can only be truly safe once everyone’s under suspicion.

iMac: The supermodel of computers – very pretty to look at but functionally illiterate.

Infomercial: An extended commercial. Strict linguists are now demanding these be referred to more accurately as “bullshimercials.”

Islam: A relatively immature religion, currently going through its teenage phase of slamming doors, yelling “I never asked to be manifested!” and killing thousands of people for no readily identifiable reason. Many Christians look down on Islam for this kind of behaviour, almost as if the 15th century never happened. Or the 16th century. Or the 17th, come to that.

Journalism: An alternative to earning an honest living.

Looting: Revolution for personal gain.

Microsoft: The ultimate profanity. Known euphemistically as “the M Bomb,” it is generally only used when all other linguistic ordinances have been exhausted. Sadly, the nature of 21st century work means the M Bomb can be heard in every office in the world on a daily basis. Usually around two minutes before an important deadline or meeting.

NASCAR: A popular motorsport, the chief attraction of which appears to be the opportunity to watch hillbillies explode into greasy balls of flame.

Nouvelle Cuisine: The Emperor’s new dinner.

Novelist: A professional liar.

Olympics: The celebration of a collection of sports that no one gave a flying 50-yard fuck about for the past three years and 50 weeks.

O’Reilly, Bill: Proof that 3.5 million people can be wrong after all.

Philosophy: The contemplation of the universe’s navel, and the investment of serious time and effort in trying to describe the fluff found therein.

Ready Meals: Food that should come with a handful of barbiturates or a shotgun to take the taste away.

Resumé: A structured lie.

Romance: Man’s most effective sexual lubricant. Also, in the long run, his most expensive. It is possible there is some sort of mystical connection between these two facts.

Search Engine: Device that makes actual searching entirely obsolete. Should more accurately be described as a command engine. Or a genie.

Sobriety: State of being which allows one to see things as they actually are. The history of mankind has been one long flight from such a ghastly prospect.

Staycation: The fashionable name for sitting your poor ass on the couch.

TiVo: Device that allows you to record television programmes you didn’t care enough about to watch and store them so you can not watch them over and over and over again.

Twitter: Website where those who can only be interesting or funny for 140 characters or fewer are the most successful.

Walmart: Ultimate 21st century practitioner of the Find The Lady trick, the “lady” in this case being sweatshop production labor, de-unionised store labor, minimum-wage exploitation and shoddy product quality. But ooh, look, sneakers for a dollar ninety-five. How do they do that?

WMDs: Weapons of mass destruction. In the 21st century, these were discovered to be not only invisible but actually nonexistent.

August 9, 2011

Fake Facebook Forwards From Fools

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

PARENT ALERT…..there is somebody called Harry Graham requesting kids on facebook to be his friend. He is posing as a 14yr old when actually he is a 48 yr.old man. He is known to the police. Please be aware and tell everyone you know. We must keep our kids safe…..please, please copy and paste.

–Recent false Facebook status forward

This middle-aged man, who is not real, poses as a 14-year-old, who is not real, on Facebook. And goddamn, check out that hair! Thanks gocryemokid.com

We all have idiot Facebook friends who forward unsubstantiated lies like these as gospel truth. They just post this stuff, of course. They never try to research or dirt-dig or verify facts. And see, I go on Facebook to read exciting things. I take pride in my friend group, and I want to hear about, for instance, a baby oil/Twister threesome with conjoined amputee twins. Then I want to leave a comment below the status asking, “Is sex with conjoined amputees really a threesome?”

Instead, my news feed is clogged with this crap. They invade my Facebook like Germany invaded Poland. These copy-‘n-paste statuses are basically barometers to gauge how many of your friends chew with their mouths open, refer to Walmart as “Wally World” and write lengthy erotic short stories involving the cast of “Hee Haw” in contrived porno scenarios. More people on the Internet than you might think immortalize their elaborate sex fantasies about long-cancelled TV shows in 2,000-word fan-fiction prose.

So, in an effort to dispel yet another Facebook chain post, with a little detective work, I decided to pick this one apart, phrase by phrase:

PARENT ALERT…..
Yes, parents, please take some time away from Farmville and do your civic duty. Alert your neighbors and relatives to the latest menace stalking Facebook. We everyday folk have to spread the word because the FBI aren’t getting on Facebook themselves to tell us. Government agencies are lazy and technologically backward. *ahem* What?! No, we’re not talking about you, Deparment of Homeland Security!

there is somebody [bad grammar] called Harry Graham requesting kids on facebook to be his friend.
I did a quick Google search on this dastardly Harry Graham. The top match is for English poet Harry Graham, 1873-1936 — which, if this is the Harry Graham in question, your first question should be, “How are you communicating to us from beyond the grave?” Then you should tell resurrected English poet Harry Graham, “I read on your Wikipedia page that Harry is only a nickname for you, and your real name is Jocelyn. That’s a sissy name. Why are you trying to friend my 13 year old, sissy?” The next top match is Scottish professional cricketer Harry Graham, 1887-? This Mr. Graham is more suspect, since no determined date of death is known, though it is generally accepted that he died sometime after 1925. Which clearly makes him “hide yo kids, hide yo wife” material.

He is posing as a 14yr old when actually he is a 48 yr.old man.
True story: I saw a “hipster dad” the other day, black cargo shorts, hair dyed jet black, pierced lip, etc. I found it especially ironic and stunning that a man who was clearly older than me preferred Escape the Fate (the post-hardcore band pictured on his T-shirt) to Foghat. I thought maybe I’d entered some strange vortex melding and skewing the timelines I was used to. Shouldn’t this guy be telling me that Bad Company’s first album was their best? I thought to myself, Where… are… we? That it only took the thought of Nancy Reagan sitting on Mr. T’s lap to ease my anxiety is a testament to how far we’ve come in pop culture-related therapy exercises.

He is known to the police
Apparently, his band, Harry Graham and The 14/48 Year Olds opened for The Police at two dates during their ’79 Red Light Tour. Sting was quoted at the time as saying, “Really guys, we couldn’t get Dire Straits to open?”

Please be aware and tell everyone you know. We must keep our kids safe…..
Yes, we must keep our kids safe. That’s indisputable. If not morally, then by law we’re bound to keep children safe. So let’s let them make profiles they can easily hide from us as parents, since we’re not as tech-savvy as they are.

please, please copy and paste.
I imagined this closing line delivered in ultra-dramatic, Lifetime Channel Original Movie-style by Sally Field, Meredith Baxter-Birney or perhaps even Buddah’s fantasy gal Valerie Bertinelli.
In conclusion, I’d like Sally, Meredith and Valerie to dig deep into their emotion-filled past and implore the users of Facebook to please PLEASE think twice before copying and pasting status updates that make you look like an uneducated dullard.

Repost if you AGREE!

July 22, 2011

Toy News

by JAMES DRAPER, TONY FYLER and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS

creatively conceived by JAMES DRAPER

THIS WEEK’S TOP NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE TOY WORLD

  • Fans shocked when Slinky comes out of closet totally straight
  • World Champion Memory player loses game somewhere in house
  • Panel of small children judges box “better than the toy” for 97th-straight year
  • GI Joe takes advantage of DADT repeal, says he’s now free to be himself on front lines
  • Mr. Potato Head’s parts stolen; crestfallen kids’ toy left with blank look on face
  • Weeble shot in ass, wobbles, falls down
  • Teddy Ruxpin confirms worst suspicions, slaughters family while singing happy songs
  • Big Wheel has tires chewed up by neighborhood dog, develops traction
  • Red Rider production line halted after child shoots eye out with BB gun
  • Legos Eggo’d
  • Slip ‘n Slide launches “Lay Down ‘n Nap” toy for elderly
  • Thomas the Tank: “I’ve always dealt with body image issues”