Archive for July, 2011

July 30, 2011

Why Wrestling Is Awesome

by EMILY TOOPS
edited by ANDREW HICKS

A handful of WWE beefcakes Emily Toops would do naughty things with. Not pictured: Diversity.

Let me start this confession of sorts with a brief disclaimer that is common knowledge to those who know me personally: I am basically a 13-year-old boy on the inside. I adore fart jokes, monster truck rallies and the first two Transformers movies. I secretly wet myself every time I see trailers for upcoming Oscar-worthy tour de force of cinema Cowboys & Aliens. I don’t mind admitting any of that. But what I am about to tell you, I am almost never willing to reveal to friends and acquaintances without some pretty insistent prodding simply because I know it’s meant to be a guilty pleasure, not a dark obsession a la Dexter.

But to hell with it, I knew my cool kid act would never work on you people, so I’m going to come clean: I am a fan of the WWE. A big fan. Like, so much so that I have Alberto Del Rio’s theme as a ringtone on my phone. I watch Smackdown every Friday night on SyFy and Raw every Monday on USA. I yell at the screen when things don’t go my way. I went to a WWE event in Champaign, Ill., this past semester and cried tears of fan-girl joy at the realization that I am not the only girl under 200 pounds in Central Illinois who screams when she sees The Miz in person.

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July 29, 2011

Stereotypes

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

On the next COPS: "Ma'am, step out of the cooler. Ma'am... step out of the cooler."

Have you ever run into people who actually FIT a certain stereotype? Like the archetypical redneck, aka Guy Voted Most Likely To Be Arrested on COPS While Shirtless in a Pair of Cutoffs, Cigarette Dangling From His Thickly Moustached Lips, Spreadeagle in a Stained La-Z-Boy Recliner With a Glazed-Over, Not-Shocked-in-the-Least-To-See-the-Police-Within-the-Confines-of-His-Modular-Home Look in His Eyes?

Or perhaps you’ve borne witness to the dumb, post-high school jock who STILL insists on calling you Squirt Stain 15 years after he supposedly “caught” you masturbating onto a urinal cake in the boys bathroom, when all you were really trying to do was zip your pants up?

I have, and boy, it ain’t pretty at all. I should also state for the record: Arizona Jeans are shoddily crafted.

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July 28, 2011

The Forgotten Parable

by TONY FYLER
edited by WOO 

[Editors Note: Words of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ here contained in red.]

And after Jesus and The Twelve had been in Jerusalem some days, they stopped one night, to rest themselves and wipe away the cares of the day in wine and bread. And being men of many stations and minds, the conversation then fell off, and all was quiet, each avoiding the other’s eye. And Simon Peter, who never could abide a silence, addressed the Lord, saying:

“For God’s sake, let’s liven it up a bit. Rabbi, tell us one of your stories.”

But Jesus did refuse him, saying,

“You’re kidding, right? Healing lepers not enough for you now?”

“Yes but-”

“Raising the dead?”

“It’s a showstopper, to be sure. I just asked if-”

“If I wouldn’t mind doing half an hour? What do you think this is, dinner theater?”

And Simon Peter was chastened, and said no more. But the Lord looked upon him with compassionate eyes, and sighed.

“One more then, just for you,” said the Lord, and Simon Peter’s heart was filled with joy.

The Lord paused for thought, and all eyes were upon him.

“Consider the dinosaurs…” he said. “They neither toil in the fields, nor do they-”

“The what?” said Judas Iscariot, interrupting.

The Lord turned to him, and his face was wroth.

“The dinosaurs,” he said again.

“What about them?”

The Lord sighed.

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July 27, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 9

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

[Do you follow J.Miz on Twitter? That’s where she’s been writing her best shit the past few weeks. Do yourself a favor, catch the J.Miz wave early. and follow @jmiz8 on Twitter. You’ll be glad you did. –AJH]

  • Normally, I'd make a smartass comment, but instead I ask, How awesome is this picture?

    Nothing tickles Jenny more than people talking in third person.

  • As I walked across a bridge, I passed a guy riding his bike across, drunk. I tip my hat to you sir! #MadSkillz
  • I have a Christian friend that is SO devout, he often REFUSES to covet his own wife.
  • I have a friend who says her anxiety feels like the moment before the first person dies in a horror flick. I’d like to sympathize, but I’m not black.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. Guys with tiny penises usually have MUCH bigger issues. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • After chopping my hair off this last time, I decided to grow it out. I got tired of people wondering how long my boyfriend’s been gay.
  • I love making myself “to do” lists, because nothing is more important than prioritizing my failures.
  • One of my worst characteristics is losing things. It all started with my virginity.
  • Donut holes are puzzling. Don’t average donuts come WITH a hole? Why does no one find this suspicious? Who is that ball trying to fool?
  • I just LOVE the feel of my boyfriend’s sweatshirt, up against my inner conflict with stealing.
July 26, 2011

Famous Last Words

by ERIC DOHMAN, WOO and WNF STAFF WRITERS
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"Hurry! Call 911! Act now! Call 911" -Billy Mays

  • “Is that Bubbles?” “No.” “I meant in the syringe.” –Michael Jackson
  • ‎”What the fuck, Brutus?” –Julius Caesar
  • ‎”Maybe I shoulda just eaten that donut.” –Karen Carpenter
  • “Always left, left, left. Let’s see what happens if I go right for a change.” – Dale Earnhardt
  • ‎”Delete all my texts from that black chick.” –Thomas Jefferson
  • ‎”Fuck, I forgot the eyebrows.” –Leonardo DaVinci
  • ‎”I’m on a horse!” –Christopher Reeve
  • “Maybe I was TOO easy?” -Eazy E
  • “Birds. I dedicated my life to a bunch of fucking birds.” –J.J. Audubon
  • ‎”A Tyson fight? I am SO there! Just let me finish this 827 hours of recording time, that’ll in no way fuel rumors that I faked my death by continuing to release CDs posthumously. -Tupac Shakur
  • ‎”If the casket fit… oh… oh shit.” -Johnnie L. Cochran Jr.
  • “O.J., that knife is too big to cut up veggies.” –Nicole Brown Simpson
  • “That white light’s way too small for me to fit through.” –Andre the Giant
  • ‎”I’m still alive, FUCKER!” –Betty White
July 25, 2011

Broken News, July 25, 2011

compiled and edited by WOO

—–

Amy Winehouse found dead in her London home

Found in the early morning, the person finding her was reportedly calling, “♫ Amy Amy Aaaaamy ♫”, but received no response. The smell of her rapidly decomposing career is said to have led to the discovery. Long known for her usage of cocaine, her last words were reportedly recorded in her home studio as, “♫ They try ta make me go to Rehab, but I said noooo noooo *croak* ♫.” Courtney Love, known for similar habits, tweeted: “Pshh… what an amateur! #Winehouse.”

—–

These Tongs Are Actually an FDA-Approved Vibrator for Men (NSFW)

Who has an anniversary coming up? We do! We’re wondering if we can get our Salad Tong in CyberSkin, or maybe bedazzled with plastic gems? Have they created DoubleTongs yet? Erm…

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July 24, 2011

Inappropriate Candy Product Names

by WOO and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • SweetSharts
  • Senior Mo’Mints
  • 3 Musky Skeeters
  • Reese’s Peanut Butter D-Cups: “When you hunger for more than a handful!”
  • Charleston Jew
  • Razonets: “Sharper than ever!”
  • Allmen Joy
  • Jelly Beaners: “¡Son tan dulces!”
  • Skattles
  • ‎Reasonits: “Tofu coated in Kierkegaard”
  • Bling Pops
  • Mounds Deferens
July 23, 2011

17 Promises

by LOLA TUCKER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Jesus was totally going to come back in May, but he got stuck attending a wedding he’d forgotten to put in his Outlook calendar. (“Save the date, Jesus!”) So Our Lord has rescheduled his appearance — he’ll be back October 21st this time. I have less than three months to get myself rapture-ready, and I’m going to take it seriously.

I promise to:

  • Not sweat the small stuff. Instead, I will obsess only about really BIG shit that has not yet happened.
  • Stop comparing myself to skinny women under the age of 30. Instead, I will only compare myself to overweight women over the age of 50, which will lead to a healthier level of self-esteem.
  • Spend more time with family, right up to the point where they become completely intolerable.
  • Not let my ass become the size of a truck. The size of a bicycle is my limit.
  • Not spend more than one hour a day on the Internet. Of course, I’m not much of a clock watcher, so that one is a bit of a crap shoot.
  • Work with neglected children, namely my daughter.
  • Stop sending my husband text messages while I am talking to him on the phone.
  • Give up at least three clothing items whose year of origin was 1986-93.
  • read more »

July 22, 2011

Toy News

by JAMES DRAPER, TONY FYLER and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS

creatively conceived by JAMES DRAPER

THIS WEEK’S TOP NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE TOY WORLD

  • Fans shocked when Slinky comes out of closet totally straight
  • World Champion Memory player loses game somewhere in house
  • Panel of small children judges box “better than the toy” for 97th-straight year
  • GI Joe takes advantage of DADT repeal, says he’s now free to be himself on front lines
  • Mr. Potato Head’s parts stolen; crestfallen kids’ toy left with blank look on face
  • Weeble shot in ass, wobbles, falls down
  • Teddy Ruxpin confirms worst suspicions, slaughters family while singing happy songs
  • Big Wheel has tires chewed up by neighborhood dog, develops traction
  • Red Rider production line halted after child shoots eye out with BB gun
  • Legos Eggo’d
  • Slip ‘n Slide launches “Lay Down ‘n Nap” toy for elderly
  • Thomas the Tank: “I’ve always dealt with body image issues”
July 21, 2011

Share Your Toys

Clifford braces himself for another love attack from a marauding 1 year old.

by ANDREW HICKS

Much of the tedium in parenting comes in the little moments. They’ll always need their diapers changed, they’ll always need to be fed, you’ll always have to clean up after them. And so on. But sometimes, those routine activities can produce a satisfaction that spreads across the spectrum of human emotion. I had one such unexpected reaction a couple nights ago.

My wife had bought the kids a set of four plush toys, characters from “Clifford, the Big Red Dog.” These are my 2-and-a-half year old Sarah’s new favorite toys — she calls them her “puppies,” and she makes sure they travel with her to every room in the house. Meanwhile, Silas, the 1 year old, just really likes Clifford. Specifically, he likes to grab Clifford by the neck, crawl on top of him and roll around while chewing on whatever plush protrusion is near his mouth.

Silas was in the middle of his Clifford Love ritual the other night when Sarah decided to take the big red dog away from her brother. We’ve been trying to teach Sarah to share her toys — and have instituted a zero-tolerance policy — but to this point, we’d been met with defiance and old-fashioned ignoring of instructions.

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July 20, 2011

New Facebook Slogans

Facebook - Because you can't throw a sheep on Twitter.

Facebook – Share the stuff you care about with people you mostly don’t.

Facebook – When the world needs to know you’ve farted, accept no substitute!

Facebook – Yep, I still have only one black friend.

Facebook – Porn intermission.

Facebook – Accidentally letting your boss know you think he’s a douche has never been easier.

Facebook – Proving one good profile pic can make any woman popular.

Facebook – Where attention seeking mothers come to ignore their kids.

Facebook – Dear stalkers: You’re welcome.

Facebook – Where you can pretend you have 400 friends.

Facebook – Check out these ugly people’s ugly kids!

Facebook – It’s on the computer, so it looks like you’re working!

Facebook – Answering the question, “Whose birthday can I not give a shit about today?”

Facebook – Where socially anxious people can still be social.

Facebook – Completely obsolete since 2013.

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July 19, 2011

Haiku News, 19 July 2011

by WOO

Source: J.Lo and Anthony had ‘heated, horrible fights’

If I gave a fuck
I would express such a fuck
alas, no fuck here

Search Engines Negatively Affect Information Retention

The quicker we learn
The faster we forget it
How many syllables are supposed to be on the very last line of a haiku?

Is media giving US women’s soccer team a free pass for its World Cup Fail?

A pass? Don’t think so
Reality obvious
Soccer just sucks ass

read more »

July 18, 2011

WNF 101

You've found it! We're Not Funny, a comedy blog written by a group of writers, comedians and friends. We have nearly 300 original comedy posts here. To begin reading and enjoying, click the logo on the top of this page.

So you’re new to reading the WNF website? Or you want to revisit a favorite old  post? Here are a few quick ones to consider:

WNF Beers

Eight new parody beer labels from the WNF Macrobrewery.

Catching Up With the Caught

“To Catch a Predator: Where Are They Now? Edition”

12 Words Come Out of Closet

SOHO, NEW YORK — A dozen English language words, ranging from the commonly used “Under” and “Pitcher” to the more obscure “Catcher” and “Obscure,” stood onstage together at a press conference Monday to announce that they are gay.

Klan Kalls It Kwits

With membership down, the KKK re-brands its image.

Cleanup in Aisle 6

Ever view your trip through the supermarket checkout lane as your five minutes to perform for a captive audience of one?

Paired Facebook Likes

When you click “like” on two different Facebook pages, Facebook runs an announcement on your friends’ newsfeeds, with those items listed as a pair. (EX. Andrew Hicks likes Obesity and Big Macs.”) These are some classic actual examples.

My 5 Most Abused Forms of Alcohol

WNF co-founder and editor in chief Andrew Hicks, who spent a decade as a monster lush, looks back on his time spent with beer, wine, vodka, whiskey and tequila, in that order.

Know Your WNFer

Get to know the founders and senior contributors of We’re Not Funny, some of whom are no longer with us. (By which we mean, they left the group. They’re not dead. That we know of.)

July 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 8

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz will watch your brown baby for half-price, but he has to bring his own smokes.

  • I’m often told to think before I talk by people who talk.
  • I prefer casual sex. Formal sex is way too uptight.
  • This 5-year-old kid just offered me a dollar for ONE cigarette. I was speechless when I thought about how DISGUSTING my profitability index was going to be.
  • My favorite part of summer is when the stores put their racks outside for sidewalk steals.
  • Vegans are incapable of having beef with anyone.
  • My second favorite sex position is called the Don’t Be Boring.
  • I was going to have a yard sale for some extra cash, but it seemed too much like share cropping.
  • I stand up against the ideals of Hitler one hair coloring and spray tan at a time.
  • I wish I could remember what my friend said heroin is like. But I was WAY too distracted by the crack I was smoking at the time.
July 16, 2011

Lost Rock Concept Collaborations

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by ERTEL GRAY and SARACAKES

Metallica scores movie starring Kermit and Miss Piggy: MASTER OF MUPPETS.

Woody Allen writes lyrics for Madonna album: NEUROTICA.

Courtney Love and Jonathan Davis hit the road: THE KORN/HOLE TOUR.

Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham’s album tribute to dance fads: FLEETWOOD MACARENA.

On the road with Styx and The Stones: THE WE’LL BREAK YOUR BONES TOUR.

Snoop Dogg’s long-awaited children’s album: HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGYSTYLE IN THE WINDOW?

Britney Spears covers Pink Floyd: COMFORTABLY DUMB.

read more »

July 15, 2011

de·caf (/ˈdēˌkaf/) n. – Coffee without coffee

by ANNE GARDNER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Image from Cubiclecoffee.com

Today begins like any other day, except that by the time I roll out of bed it’s already too hot outside to be alive. This morning, we get up, we take baths, and we get ready for my 4 year old’s play date. If you do not yet have children, doubtless you are unaware of the glorious splendor of the drop-off play date. And if you only have one child, please realize the play date becomes exponentially more glorious once you are parent to multiple children.

So we get ready, and we load ourselves into the car and head down to my daughter’s friend’s house. I drop her off, make plans with the mom for pick up, and then head on over to my happy haven, Starbucks. At this point, I just have my 4 month old in the car. It’s 105 degrees outside, so we decide to take advantage of the drive thru. Just my luck, there’s no line. I pull up, place my order, and pull around to the window to await my pseudo-refreshment.

Why do you call it pseudo-refreshment, Anne? you ask. Well, since my son was born, I’ve sworn off caffeine. Caffeine passes through breast milk, and since I’m breastfeeding and would prefer not to have to care for a rowdy infant, I’ve been assuaging my coffee addiction by ordering decaf instead. And in terms of taste, I’ve actually grown accustomed to decaf and can no longer tell the difference.

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July 13, 2011

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century, Part 2

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS


[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. Read the first part of Tony’s brilliant invective here. -AJH]

Altruism: Self-interest in full camouflage.

Astrology: Entrail reading’s less socially awkward cousin.

Atheism: The understanding that there is no grand plan for human existence. Life has about as much meaning as the existence of Brussels sprouts, so everything we do is ultimately, in the long term, pointless. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?

Baby: A young human. Also a term misapplied to fetuses, embryos and even blastocytes by those who seek to deny a woman her reproductive rights. The proof of this misapplication, of course, lies in the fact that humanity has bothered to come up with entirely different words for these different stages of life. By “pro-life” logic, teenagers too should be considered babies, and it should be illegal to destroy them. Clearly, that way madness lies.

Beck, Glenn: It is commonly believed that there are only Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. This is the result of a transcription error in the King James Bible. In reality, there are Five Horsemen – War, Famine, Pestilence, Death and Hysteria. Anyone who has watched Glenn Beck’s show knows that the Fifth Horseman is already here. Of course, most people who have watched Glenn Beck’s show rather wish that the Fourth Horseman had preceded him.

Creationism: Proof that evolution does not necessarily select for intelligence.

read more »

July 12, 2011

A Pothead Speaks: Why Marijuana Should NOT Be Legalized

by KB MARION
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

It's a quick leap from legalization to corporatization. But there won't be any Dollar Menu for weed.

I absolutely cannot stand the progressive mentality. Progress is not always the best thing for society. Take, for instance, the Internet. Yes, it allows us to download free music and keep up with the latest ever-so-important celebrity gossip, but the web is also a widespread tool for degenerates with an exorbitant amount of resources. Prior to the Internet, you could always tell the perverts by their wiry grin, ’70s mustache and windowless van. Well, unfortunately, progressivism is butting its ugly head into my stash. There is a movement to legalize marijuana, and as a weed smoker, I am against it.

Many people have stated that the marijuana crop will help with our nation’s deficit. However, for every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction (or so I’ve heard). Proponents of legalization are idealistic and too trusting of the American government. Anything that has value in the United States always garner greedy lobbyists who ruin it for everyone except the few who would benefit — in this case, Wall Street and the would-be corporate growers. This is already occurring in California, where medical marijuana growers helped vote down the legalization bill. Nope, marijuana ain’t just for hippies anymore. Our beloved green has been going corporate, and this is just the beginning.

read more »

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July 11, 2011

Broken News, July 11, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Portugal’s Debt Downgrade: Why Nobody Cares

We support a U.S. government bailout of Iceland but not Portugal. Portugal has never exported any artist with anywhere near the quirky talents of Bjork. And what exactly would you downgrade Portugal to, Kentucky?

—–

Is there cash in Casey Anthony’s story?

We foresee an episode of Law & Order: SVU with a fictional story that will sound an awful lot like this one.

We hear she already has a book deal, with a working title of If I Did It: I Brought You Into This World And I Can Take You Out Of It.

—–

Skype And Facebook Get Integrated

Will we have to wear pants now?

—–

Research find new way to measure penis length

We’re too busy taking hand measurements to comment, but we will say that we’ll no longer be saddened by our stubby fingers.

—–

Willie Nelson’s weed-related plea deal rejected by a Texas judge

Arresting Willie for weed is like tripping over a fat kid at McDonald’s. Is there no pertinent crime in Texas? Go build your fence, fuckwads. I mean, at this point Willie Nelson is drug paraphernalia!

—–

Coked Up Florida Man Brandishes ‘Biggest Penis In the World’ To Wide Audience

We’re pretty sure “Wide Audience” is a nice way of saying “Biggest Vagina In the World.” And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

—–

CONTRIBUTORS: Eric Dohman, Michelle Dee, Eve Ventrella, Woo, Andrew Hicks and Jeff Bailey

July 10, 2011

Lemme Learn You Some Kentucky

by PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ

The Kentucky slogan committee could never agree on anything but this slogan. Eventually, they fell.

I’m from Kentucky. Let me share some information that I’ve collected about the land that I loathe. Let me start with something to impress you. Kentucky is the 37th largest state. Our population is the 26th highest in the nation. With those numbers, I am amazed that we have managed to become No. 1 in prescription pill abuse, and No. 3 in meth labs. (Good job, Indiana, you came in first on that one!)

Thanks to the Kentucky judicial system, I learned all that in DUI class. We also have the largest percentage of smokers of any state which of course is accompanied by the highest cancer rate of the entire country.

Now, let’s have some good news. 83 percent of our kids graduate high school, and our dropout rate is only 2.89 percent. You may think I’m bad at math, but I actually got that statistic from an official government web site. I guess there’s truth in our state slogan: “Where Education Pays.” For the record, I don’t think suicides count toward the dropout rate, but Kentucky ranks in the top 10 for suicide as well.

My home state is also host to the Kentucky Derby, North America’s largest and most famous annual horse-racing event. The race is known as “the fastest two minutes in sports,” which I’m sure reminds female Derby attendees of disappointing men from their pasts, and which is why the Mint Julep was created.

The Kentucky Derby: Old men, hot chicks, big hats, lots of alcohol.

The Kentucky Derby has an old tradition for women: the wearing of the big hat. I can only assume they don’t want to worry about their hair when they get hammered as they flirt with whichever random bored C-list celebrity happens to show up. Personally, I don’t need to use the Kentucky Derby as an excuse to get drunk and flirt with a higher class of women that don’t want to talk to me. I do that all the time

For me, the most exciting Kentucky-related information of all is that Muhammed Ali, George Clooney and Johnny Depp are all from here. To me, this is exciting because they found a way to escape. All three managed to accomplish huge things, which gives me hope that I, too, one great day, will bang women who like me for my money, even if I am from Kentucky.

July 9, 2011

Can I Write My Jokes in Peace?

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Newman and Ms. Swan have a glorious message to share with you, unprompted, in the mall food court.

I was sitting in a comfortable wicker chair at the Irvine Spectrum with my comedy buddy Ryan Papazian. We were working on standup bits at the Red Rock Bar. I was in good company, and the jokes were starting to flow out. We analyzed Ryan’s routine about his problems with girls. Add this. Leave this out. Maybe if you use an act-out or use this type of voice. The beginnings of a productive afternoon were underway. We were sitting in public, though. When you sit in public, people can approach you for absolutely no good reason.

Enter the odd couple. He wore a powder-blue button-down shirt and khakis, and he also looked just like Newman from “Seinfeld.” She looked like a Filipino Ms. Swan (from “MADtv”). They approached us as if they knew us, asking, “So what do you guys think of this May 21st business?”

Oh, the Rapture? That’s nonsense. I don’t care. I am an atheist. That’s what I should have said. Instead, I answered thoroughly and seriously, and so did Ryan. We talked about the mass manipulation and misallocated funds of the Mormon religion and the guilt builders of the Catholic religion. We chastised the Saddleback Church for spending 4 million dollars on a basketball court and Crystal Cathedral Ministries for declaring bankruptcy to the tune of $48 million.

read more »

July 8, 2011

Inappropriate Restaurant Music

by RYAN KRAUSE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ

Riots break out at KFC during Tuesday Two-Play day on Sirius XM's Michael Bolton Radio channel.

I’ve worked in restaurants for more than six years now, and as a music junkie I’ve always paid close attention to the music played in the dining room for the customers. I believe the music played in a restaurant is a vital component to creating a good mood in customers. Restaurants should play fun, upbeat, popular music that is considered to be tolerable by all people. These playlists are corporately compiled to be played in restaurant dining rooms, yet they frequently play the most bland, depressing, out-of-place, truly fucking shitty music that does NOT set the mood for fun.

Exhibit A for my argument: Tom Petty. You would think, Oh, a nice, light rockin’ Petty song would be good for a restaurant. My only question is, why the fuck would you play “The Waiting (Is the Hardest Part)” in a restaurant where food takes forever? You’re already pissed off, then you hear a song that reminds you of how waiting too long to fill your stomach with delicious food sucks ass. Then, after a shitty meal you hear multitracked voices chanting, “HEY! Don’t come around here no more!” You know these customers are thinking, That’s a great idea. I’m fucking NOT coming around here no more!

Another song that has royally pissed me off is Chris Rice’s “Lemonade.” Now, I listen to modern rap, and those ballers aren’t half as pompous as Chris Rice. His song is nothing but boasting how life handed him lemonade, instead of lemons from which to make lemonade. Which means his life has been easy as shit because he is a trust-fund baby. He is, and always will be, rich and “happy.” He will never have to work, or MAKE LEMONADE FROM LEMONS like the rest of us.

By the way, Chris Rice, your lyric, “Thanks for the happy ending,” is a punch in the face to all those average human beings who just waited 45 minutes for their hot-wing appetizers to come out. They already endured all that Tom Petty. Now, when they leave, they hear a song about a guy who is having the best life anyone has ever had ever! Whoever picked this song to be played during dining hours at a restaurant is a huge dick!

Other “Horrible Mentions” in the Inappropriate Restaurant Music category go to: John Mayer, “Waiting For the World to Change”; Michael Jackson, “Man In the Mirror”; and Bryan McKnight, “Back At One.” Those three songs, back to back, are enough to make me stab a random person in the face with a fork. And guess what? A restaurant customer’s silverware rollup comes with two forks! Since this trio of crap music comes from the iPod playlist of a fauxhawked douchetard bartender at my current place of employment, maybe the customers should fork-stab him! Then maybe he won’t play the same iPod playlist every night. (I mean, seriously, this dillweed never hits the “shuffle” button).

It would be kind of cool to see a depression-induced mass suicide during the dinner rush, due to the back-to-back playing of “This Year’s Love” by David Gray and any REM song. Maybe the restaurant people would finally say to themselves, “Shit! Mass suicide! Maybe we should rethink our music playlist!” Then the playlist-making bartender would reply, “Nah, let’s go the safe and easy route, add a little Yanni and take away their forks.”

July 7, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Song That Would Play As You Stepped Up To a Major League Batter’s Box

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 17
SONG THAT WOULD PLAY AS YOU STEPPED UP TO A MAJOR LEAGUE BATTER’S BOX

"Mark McGwire likes Guns 'N Roses. You will play some Guns 'N Roses for Mark McGwire NOOOWWWWWWW!!!!"

JESSICA STIMSON
Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Linda Ronstadt. I could be totally wrong on the artist. My apologies if I am.

DRIFT ROBERTS
Pat Benatar. Have that one on vinyl. I may secretly be 44 years old.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Gotta be Big Pun‘s “Still Not a Player.” (“I’m not a playa, I just crush a lot.”) Big Pun was my favorite 700-pound rapper of all times. I’m not slight of build, but damn, that guy was a fat motherfucker. When you’re outfitting your living room with cargo-type doors and having furniture specially made, I would think a person might say to him/herself, “Maybe it’s time for a salad.”

WOO
“Ready or Not,” The Fugees.

MICHELLE DEE
Woo lies. I see him walking up to bat with Rick Ross‘s “Hustlin'” playing. Then proceeding to dry hump the catcher, Kat Williams-style.

WOO
Holy shit, I forgot about “Hustlin'”! What’s wrong with me? I CALL REDO. “Hustlin'” it is!

EMILY TOOPS
LL Cool J, ‎”Mama Said Knock You Out.” It’s also my hypothetical WWE ring entrance music.

SCOTTY HARRIS
As someone who thinks baseball is the worst thing on the planet, I think I would have to play any song that might get people to quit paying to watch this horrible sport and indirectly signing million dollar contracts for people to hit a fucking ball. I hate all professional sports, but at least in football you run the risk of getting paralyzed for being such a douche to begin with. So, maybe a two-hour loop of Michael Richards‘ meltdown. Backed with the “Barney” theme song. With vocals by Yoko Ono. And William Hung.

J.MIZ
I’m with Scotty. I’d write my own song called “SOMEBODY HELP! WTF AM I DOING HERE?! UNLESS I’M ON A SHIT-TON OF ACID, THEN I’LL PITCH A NO HITTER.”

ALLISON STEIN
“Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns ‘N Roses. (“You’re in the jungle baby! / I wanna watch you bleed!”)

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Yup, that was Mark McGwire‘s at-bat music whilst he played for the Cardinals.

ALLISON STEIN
I attribute that song choice to possible ‘roid rage: “Hey Mark, what song would you like to be played as you come up to the batter’s box?” “I want ‘Welcome to Jungle.'” Then he plays some ferocious air guitar and beats the shit out of some poor teammate.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
When Matt Morris was a Cardinal, he would come out to Phish‘s “Weekapaug Groove.” The idea that he might be playing baked always made me smile.

RYAN KRAUSE
Jumbo Shrimp, “Fuck Your Shit Up.” I only am called to the plate when they need a “game changer,” and that song definitely is a game changer!

July 6, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

  • My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.
  • Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.
  • Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.
  • My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”
  • I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

  • This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.
  • Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.
  • Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.
  • I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.
  • If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.
  • There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

  • I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.
  • Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.
  • I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.
  • I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.
  • I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

  • At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.
  • According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.
  • My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.
  • My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.
  • I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

  • I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.
  • I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”
  • My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.
  • A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”
  • I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.
  • Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?
  • I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

  • I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.
  • The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!
  • Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.
  • Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

  • Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.
  • To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.
  • Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.
  • My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.
  • No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.
  • My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.
  • My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!
July 4, 2011

Great Dates in U.S. History

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Paul Revere was the only Founding Father who had his own genie.

1773 – During a fierce intercontinental orgy, Paul Revere first shouts his signature phrase, “The British are coming!”

1776 – Signing day for the Declaration of Independence, and no one brings a pen. An enterprising Edward Papermate sells his first 12 pack of crappy disposables.

1792 – After years of horrible dry-mouthed hangovers, Eli Whitney scraps his original “cotton gin” project.

1812 – Some war is fought that future generations won’t know shit about.

1833 – At Strom Thurmond‘s Super Sweet 16 party, Strom yells at his dad for getting him a Mexican slave as a birthday gift. (“But Dad! I said I wanted a black one! You’re ruining my life! This birthday sucks! I HATE YOU!”)

1863 – One hour after awakening from a wicked bender, Abraham Lincoln is heard to scream, “I freed WHO?!”

1865 – Despite a very promising horoscope, Robert E. Lee realizes today is NOT going to be a good day.

1906Orville and Wilbur Wright each eat five grams of psilocybin mushrooms and REALLY fly.

1929 – America is plunged into a Great Depression. For a decade, America lies on the couch in sweatpants all day and night, with curtains drawn, getting no enjoyment from everyday activity.

1938 – The automobile is given a back seat, leading to a population explosion.

1963Ralph Kramden is arrested for domestic violence after finally sending Alice to the moon.

1969 – While walking on the moon, Neil Armstrong retrieves a dazed Alice and brings her back to Earth.

1981Wham! is formed, and American/British relations become very gay.

1984Nancy Reagan tells America’s youth to “just say no” to drugs, while Ronald Reagan orders the CIA to infiltrate the nation’s ghettos with a shit-ton of crack cocaine.

1985 – No cure for Parkinson’s disease is found.

1989 – Release of comedy classic Look Who’s Talking. We just love that movie. It’s Bruce Willis doing the voice over for a baby — come on, what’s not to love?

‎1995Monica Lewinsky gets private lessons on how to smoke a cigar. With her vagina.

2001Michael J. Fox takes the Delorean back to 1985 to find a cure for Parkinson’s disease.

‎2009 – The socially disturbing documentary Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is released. Virginia, which politely asked West Virginia to leave 150 years ago, now files for a legal separation.

2011 – Comedy website We’re Not Funny celebrates its 200th post on July 5.

CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Eric Dohman, James Draper, Buddah Eskew, Ryan Krause, Saracakes and Lola Tucker

July 3, 2011

Our Favorite Presidents

by ANDREW HICKS and BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Every U.S. president (Not pictured: The black guy)

George W. Bush — Just kidding.

Gerald Ford — You’ve gotta love the fact that this guy never got elected, which means he didn’t have to make promises to voters, corporations or party allies, and he still pissed off a ton of people with all the shit he didn’t get done.

John F. Kennedy — There are five main reasons we love JFK: because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe and because he banged Marilyn Monroe.

William Henry Harrison — Due to the fact that he caught pneumonia at his own inauguration and died a month later, Harrison will forever be known to history as Funniest President Ever. What a joker!

Andrew Jackson — Twenty dolla bill, y’all!

Abraham Lincoln — Freed the slaves so that we may enjoy what is known today as the NBA. Also, Abraham Lincoln was a good old man / He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand / He said, “Excuse me ladies, I’m doin my duty / So pull down your pants, and give me some booty.”*

James Madison — Enforced something called the Non-Intercourse Act, which sounds like a law we would absolutely hate, but Madison’s wife Dolly could make some wicked snack cakes. Bonus!

Richard Nixon — Promptly at 4 pm every day, Nixon had a dainty tea party on the White House lawn with the voices in his head. We like tea, and we LOVE schizophrenics!

Ronald Reagan — His presidential accomplishments sometimes overshadow his body of acting work, but allow us to say: Reagan’s performance in the 1991 surfer crime caper Point Break was a trickle-down of pure brilliance. He shot Keanu Reeves, for chrissakes! And, if you pay close attention, you can spot Reagan in the original Contra game for the NES.

Franklin Roosevelt — In 1932, after a particularly shitty hand in a poker game, FDR jokingly requested a “new deal.” The rest is history.

Teddy Roosevelt — Had a vision of passing a law that would make it punishable by firing squad for any man to walk into a Starbucks and order a Soy Mocha Coconut Frappuccino® Light with non-fat cream and cinnamon sprinkles. You get coffee and bacon, dammit!

William Howard Taft — This dude was like all Three Stooges rolled into one. Lay off the pork rinds, fatty!

Martin Van Buren — Our eighth president only served one term, but sources say he was hung like a Clydesdale.

*Reference 2 Live Crew‘s “Nursery Rhymes”

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Ertel Gray and Woo

July 2, 2011

Why We Love America

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • In America, we get our daily exercise by taking the dog for a nice, long walk.

    As a nation, we have been unbelievably tolerant of broads, negroes, homos and retards.

  • A pound of fresh fruit costs eight times the price of a box of Kraft Mac-N-Cheese.
  • We complain about gas prices while paying $6.40 a gallon for bottled water.
  • We have Florida for a penis.
  • They took away Milli Vanilli‘s Grammy.
  • This simple irony: America is working hard to kill off its working class.
  • America has successfully facilitated the three-way union of hillbillies, paintball guns and the TV show Cheaters.
  • Personal anecdote: During a private fireworks display last Fourth of July, everyone was watching the fireworks in the sky. Everyone, that is, except the 637-pound gentleman sitting in a lawnchair about to explode from pressure, eating a plate of brownies. Your average plate of brownies might contain two or three brownies, but this dude’s PLATE OF BROWNIES held two or three dozen chocolate squares. The dark night must’ve been messing with his brownie-plate visibility, because he quickly ripped the glow-stick necklace off his son’s neck and ringed it around his paper plate, so he wouldn’t miss any of his chocolate delight. This is by far the most broadly stereotypical American thing any We’re Not Funny staffer has ever witnessed, and it still makes us tear up.
  • We capitalize on unfortunate everyday circumstances — having a car or storage unit repossessed — and make them into killer cable reality TV.
  • In America, we save water in our public pools. Recipe: Fill two-thirds, then add 10 McDonald’s-grease-laden plumpy fuckers. Then watch the water level magically rise to the top.
  • We have Twofer Tuesdays. Try getting that in a non-American-speaking country like Mexico. ¿Dos por Martes? We’re not buying that for a second!
  • We blame our iniquities on other cultures. Didn’t pay you for the bet I made? I welshed on it. Conned you into selling me your 2002 Honda for half of its value? I gyped you. Told you that you could have my CD collection but didn’t give it up? I was an Indian giver. Tried to haggle you on price? I was Jewing you down. I did something stupid? I’m a Polack. I knocked on your door and ran away? Well, we’ll leave that one out…
  • Only in America would you be given every opportunity known to the human race, only to find yourself 50 years old, toothless, broke, living in a trailer park and proudly owning a Cadillac Escalade. We love American priorities.
  • We get to make fun of everything we love, including our country.

CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Cline, Michelle Dee, Eric Dohman, Scotty Harris, J.Miz, Ryan Krause, Lola Tucker and Woo

July 1, 2011

America: Red, White and Awesome

by ANDREW CLINE
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Ben Franklin looks so terse and condescending on the hundred-dollar bill, like "You're spending me on WHAT?!"

There’s an old joke that goes along the lines of “What’s black and white and red all over?” and the answer is, “A sunburnt zebra.” Well, guess what? No. It’s not. Even if a zebra somehow miraculously were to get sunburnt, the red wouldn’t show through its fur. That joke’s a crock.

A more appropriate joke would be, “What’s red, white, blue, and awesome all over?” and the answer would be “America.” More comedians should start off with that joke and stop telling racy stories about their unholy bedroom antics. But really, no, that wouldn’t work, because it’s not a joke. It’s the undisputed truth. America is awesome.

America, according to a recent survey, is the oldest and best country on Earth, and we didn’t get that reputation just because we invented the lightbulb, fundamentalist Christianity and Pizza Hut. We got it because we’re awesome at everything.

Did you know that the first rainbow ever appeared in 1647 in Springfield, Mass.? And that Ben Franklin coined the term “kickin’ it” in a 1736 edition of Poor Richard’s Almanack? Simple truths like these are what separate this country from third-world nations like France and Canada, whose respective languages don’t even have a word for “freedom.” And that’s just sad.

So next time you ever hear that old joke, “What’s black and white and red all over?” just smile and say, “A sunburnt zebra. And America’s the greatest planet in the whole universe.”