Archive for ‘Advice’

July 27, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 9

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

[Do you follow J.Miz on Twitter? That’s where she’s been writing her best shit the past few weeks. Do yourself a favor, catch the J.Miz wave early. and follow @jmiz8 on Twitter. You’ll be glad you did. –AJH]

  • Normally, I'd make a smartass comment, but instead I ask, How awesome is this picture?

    Nothing tickles Jenny more than people talking in third person.

  • As I walked across a bridge, I passed a guy riding his bike across, drunk. I tip my hat to you sir! #MadSkillz
  • I have a Christian friend that is SO devout, he often REFUSES to covet his own wife.
  • I have a friend who says her anxiety feels like the moment before the first person dies in a horror flick. I’d like to sympathize, but I’m not black.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. Guys with tiny penises usually have MUCH bigger issues. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • After chopping my hair off this last time, I decided to grow it out. I got tired of people wondering how long my boyfriend’s been gay.
  • I love making myself “to do” lists, because nothing is more important than prioritizing my failures.
  • One of my worst characteristics is losing things. It all started with my virginity.
  • Donut holes are puzzling. Don’t average donuts come WITH a hole? Why does no one find this suspicious? Who is that ball trying to fool?
  • I just LOVE the feel of my boyfriend’s sweatshirt, up against my inner conflict with stealing.
July 6, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

  • My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.
  • Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.
  • Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.
  • My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”
  • I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

  • This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.
  • Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.
  • Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.
  • I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.
  • If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.
  • There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

  • I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.
  • Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.
  • I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.
  • I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.
  • I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

  • At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.
  • According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.
  • My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.
  • My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.
  • I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

  • I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.
  • I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”
  • My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.
  • A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”
  • I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.
  • Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?
  • I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

  • I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.
  • The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!
  • Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.
  • Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

  • Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.
  • To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.
  • Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.
  • My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.
  • No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.
  • My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.
  • My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!
June 26, 2011

Dear 16-Year-Old Self

by ALLISON STEIN and THE WOMEN OF WNF
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Dear 16-year-old self: You're gonna grow up to be Demi Moore in overalls.

Dear 16-year-old self:

  • Your brother’s obsession with hand lotion is NOT because he has dry skin.
  • Just because you don’t have boobs yet doesn’t mean that you wont have D’s later on in life. But your boyfriend who told you, in the back seat of his mom’s car, that his small penis is going to “get bigger” when he reaches full-on adulthood… well, that kid is sadly mistaken.
  • Penis is nothing to be afraid of. It is to be mastered and conquered, and with that comes immeasurable power.
  • Weed isn’t that bad, and your mom will never notice. Just try it.
  • You know how you wanted to get your period so you could be a real woman? Yeah, it sucks, don’t it?
    read more »

June 22, 2011

More Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • This season's trendy sheep costume for wolves includes fully functioning facial features and 400-threadcount Egyptian cotton.

    When life gives you lemons, rub one out and take a nap.

  • A wolf in sheep’s clothing should not be feared. Rather, it should be revered as nature’s most fabulous tranny.
  • Every cloud has a silver lining that will turn your neck green.
  • It’s only after walking a mile in another man’s shoes that you can truly realize, that guy’s a prick!
  • Two in the bush is worth one in the stink.
  • There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but most are illegal except in the Appalachians.
  • It takes a village to run a brothel.
  • When you wish upon a star, God kills a kitten somewhere in Iowa.
  • The straw that broke the camel’s back was a fat woman named Enid from Queens.
  • “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean,” is a stone cold lie.
  • Music calms the glowsticked raver.
  • The family that prays together is not that different from Jonestown.
  • Man cannot live on meth alone.
  • “See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil,” is why good hookers are expensive.
  • Tomorrow is a new day for life to kick you square in the dick.
  • Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course you’re a cannibal.
  • The first step is admitting that you’re powerless over assholes and need to find new friends.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try roofies and KY.
  • Time waits for no man, and sadly some men don’t wait for you to cum.
  • Certainty? In this world, nothing is certain but HPV and porn.
  • Putting all your eggs in one basket is basically what goes on with Mormons and the British monarchy.
  • All that glitters can be found in Lil Wayne’s closet.
  • Love thy brother as thyself. Dutch Rudders do not make you gay.
  • Spare the rod and spoil the woman, because dildos are so much better.
  • Don’t count your chickens before you make an omelette.
  • Where two or more are gathered in my name, that is a J.Miz fan club.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Read the original “Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz” here.

June 19, 2011

Daddy Lessons

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

"Yeah, yeah, I'm lickin' your balls..."

[EDITOR’S NOTE: On this Hallmark holiday that finishes a distant third to Valentine’s and Mother’s Day, the fathers on the WNF staff have united to share a few words of (mostly immature) wisdom to all the dads and expecting dads who might be reading. Which probably won’t be many, given that our readership demographic is 91% female since Friday’s “Shit Bags” post. Also, a couple of our contributors who don’t have kids felt the need to contribute anyway, proving they don’t pay a lick of attention to instruction. I’m just desperate enough for material that I’m using their jokes anyway. Happy Father’s Day, everyone! –AJH]

DADDY LESSONS

  • When the labels say “Keep out of reach of children,” remember your children will be able to reach about twice as far as you think they can.
  • Any time you change a diaper, you’re engaging in a delicate game of Russian Roulette. Maybe not this time, and maybe not next time, but one of these times, you’re gonna get smoked.
  • You will think your kids are awesome. You will think everyone else’s kids suck. This is how the other parents feel, too.
  • When potty training your toddler, you will have to juggle the actions of wiping your little one’s bum and preventing the dog from eating baby poop.
    read more »

June 10, 2011

That’s Not Funny…

Print it out and sign it, you unfunny twatwaffle.

… according to PAUL LAO
edited by WOO

[Editors Note: This piece, while containing plenty of humor, is more of an advice column for those striving in the Stand-Up comedy arena. We could all use advise from one who has been around, and we all know Paul Lao has been around!] 


I have been doing stand up for 8 years and I know how to spot a hack, a train wreck, a complete waste of time.  Here is (from my findings) what I consider to make one suck at the hard art:

1. Don’t hate fuck the crowd.
If you think this is going to go well because you shocked the crowd with a raping grandma’s corpse joke while curb stomping a baby, then guess again.  Also don’t talk shit about the venue, the owner, the staff, and the audience.  You are there to make people laugh. At least start with a welcome and a smile before you decide to fist them with no lube.  Wait for them to wrong you then come down on them with furious vengeance.

2. Don’t dress up and make a joke about it.
Resourcefulness is a very admirable attribute when we think of a hero.  And what’s worse than to give him/her a situation that they are completely prepared for?  Diehard would have sucked if John McClane had the Ironman suit.  I have seen guys wear Hawaiian Shirts, 3 piece suits, hats of every genre, t-shirts, props glued to their chest, a doll house on their head, and a guy who slammed his hands on his shorts and popped red fake blood onto the floor.  If you make a joke about a circumstance that you put yourself in you will not get any laughs because the surprise isn’t there.  Or the punch is going to be weak if they see it coming.  Comedy is about misdirection and an awakening of the mind.

Do material about the body you are born with, and how you deal with it.

read more »

June 9, 2011

Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Tell ya who Nancy Reagan DIDN'T "just say no" to -- Frank Sinatra. Bow chicka wow wow!

    If at first you don’t succeed, try something you don’t suck at.

  • To thine own self be true, but lie to others so you look better.
  • What goes up must defy physics, so catch that shit, exploit it, and sell it by the gram.
  • That which does not kill us only proves it’s a pussy.
  • Misery loves hostages.
  • Those who see the glass as half-full are optimists. Those who see it as half-empty are alcoholics.
  • Just say no way am I passing up free drugs.
  • He who laughs last is retarded and didn’t get the joke.
  • Rome wasn’t built in a day, because they didn’t have enough Africans and Jews.
  • Silence now has less value than gold.
  • If you love somebody, set them free. If they come back, they obviously didn’t hear about your new boyfriend.
May 31, 2011

Doesn’t Get Much Better Than That

by ANDREW CLINE
edited by ANDREW HICKS

John Lennon: Followed Andrew's advice about wearing multiple sunglasses. Did not follow Andrew's advice about having a nice haircut. Got shot. Learned lesson.

You ever ask yourself, Hey, why don’t I get the ladies or have a cool laser guitar or other fabulous things? If you’re currently noting, Yes, I DO think that all the time, then congratulations. This essay is for you. If not, then think to yourself, Hey, why don’t I get the ladies or have a cool laser guitar or other fabulous things? then get back to me, because right now you’re wasting everyone’s time. Dummy.

Living a glamorous life like that of your regular ol’ garden-variety Andrew is a fairly simple process that I’mma let you in on right now. (WARNING: This process is not fairly simple and shouldn’t be executed unless you’re totally hardcore about committing to it). It can be accomplished via the following three steps:

read more »

May 19, 2011

Easy Living Made Easier

Now Jenny is finally ready to watch TV safely.

by ERTEL GRAY and ANDREW HICKS

If life has taught us anything, it’s this: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. In fact, stay away from horses. In fact, just stay away from any animal that has a better-than-average chance of mauling or trampling you to death. In fact, just stay away from animals altogether. This includes invertebrates and microscopic nuisances.

There’s an easier way to make like Prince and “get through this crazy thing we call life.” If you’re interested in learning how, slide back from the edge of your seat (You could fall!), and listen up:

  • Duct tape couch cushions and pillows around your torso and limbs, and wear a bike helmet everywhere you go. Fashion probably isn’t your friend if you’re reading these words, so why not make safety goal No. 1?
  • Breakfast is the most important meal, yes, but it can also be downright deadly. The solution is to eat soft foods with rounded corners and avoid crispy foods. Blend cereals together if possible. Or, better yet, prepare your cereal weeks in advance, so those crispy, jagged flakes become a gruel-like paste that you can intake easily through a straw. The roof of your mouth will thank you for liberating it from the daily bloody assaults of that sadist seaman Cap’n Crunch.
    read more »

April 25, 2011

APPocalypse Now

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Separate issue: Does the easy availability of stock photographs from Google Image create laziness and unoriginality?

Imagine this scene — a family, all with individual gadgets, is at the dinner table. The father has the paper, the mother is looking at a television in the living room, the son is playing a Nintendo DS, and the daughter is texting her best friend. Lines are drawn, and as their heads move, the lines follow. No one is making eye contact.

And then something horrifying happens: a baby cries, and the mother nonchalantly walks into the bedroom where Shrek is rolling end credits, picks the baby up and brings little Timothy into the kitchen. She totally forgot him!

This is a nuclear family’s by-numbers delusional progress via “family time.” A boy who sleeps for 16 hours a day, never has had a girlfriend and never leaves the house. A girl who misses her soulmate because she is too busy texting her best friend about how horrible her day was, complaining that no one pays attention to her. A father who has had the same an office job for 17 years and never gotten a promotion because of his fear of responsibility. And a mother who does the bare minimum of parenting because her mother took care of the first two while she was in high school.

People, this is one of my greatest fears. We have reached an age in which iPhone applications fill the void of life but consume our ability to imagine.

read more »

April 23, 2011

Simple English

by WOO

  • Shouldn’t words look more like what they are? Shouldn’t Mirror be MirrororriM?
  • “I” before “E” except aft… No! FUCK YOU!
  • What do you have to do to make the sound “onomatopoeia”?
  • I don’t use no double negatives just for the attention.
  • There are English words meant to confuse because they’re all alike in their sound.
  • If you have more sense than a gnat, you would know when to use then.
  • If I see another person refer to multiple homicides as a “cereal” killing I am going to serially rape them in the earhole.
  • You cannot graduate an entity. You graduate FROM it. The same goes for released. You don’t graduate college, and you don’t get released prison. You graduate from college, and are released from prison.
February 14, 2011

Valentine’s Quickies With Buddah

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

For the lovers and just plain masturbators out there, this is my bouquet of twisted Valentine tips:

  • Introduce your white girlfriend to your black girlfriend and serenade them with a sexy version of “Ebony and Ivory.”
  • Guys, write her a romantic poem: “Through all the things that came to pass / Our love has grown / And so has your ass.” Um, Hallmark cards are also an affordable way to tell her how much you love her.
  • Give her a box of chocolates. Tip: if you make it dark chocolate, you can celebrate two Valentine’s Day and Black History Month simultaneously.
  • Stop after work and pick up some flowers. Most cemeteries are open until sundown. To save even more money, skip buying a vase and have lady hold legs in air and insert flowers directly into vagina.
  • Duct tape. Because silence is golden. Although showers can be golden, too.
February 8, 2011

Comedy In Purgatory: Catharsis

by ANDREW KING

Writer’s block. It happens to everyone. I’m experiencing it right now. Mine is a combination of indecisiveness and lack of motivation. I can’t decide what to write about: the legendary comedy boom of the ’80s, hecklers, alt comedy, idols, maybe a personal story or two… I don’t know. Can’t decide.

I have screenplays that need work, stand up material that needs to be refined, hundreds of recordings that I can salvage a few good ideas from, and, worst of all, an abundance of free time, but I just can’t do it. I don’t think it’s laziness or procrastination, though I am a master of both. It has to be something else… but what?

It might be that I can usually rationalize the wasting of time.

When it comes to screenplays, I tell myself, “Well, I have one finished and a couple others are mostly done. That’s enough considering where I am.”

The hundreds of recordings are a little intimidating to go through. I have over 500 recordings collecting virtual dust in my computer. They contain stand-up premises, story ideas, daily memos, tag lines, rants, and it’s just a mess. I tell myself, “I’ll get more serious when I’m closer to leaving, I’m not getting out of here for at least another year, what’s the point?” Which is terrible. All I’m doing is hurting my development as a comedian by doing that.

On the other side of that, however, is, Okay, what if I did go through those recordings? What if I went through them? I probably have a good 10 minutes buried in those archives. Even if I found it all and worked it all out I’d have a hell of a time trying to find a place to test it. You can’t count on the reactions of bars and coffee house open mics, and since comedians are constantly writing new material, that newer material is going to take priority over older, unfinished ideas when you go to a comedy open mic.

read more »

February 3, 2011

An Open Letter To An Old A-Hole

Fellow Grocery Store Patrons,

If I have the happy and fortunate position to precede you in line, MY groceries go first, then yours. When I put the plastic divider down, that is your ‘green light’ to unload away, not before. I should not have to stack my bread on top of itself because you’re driven by some unknown urge to unload your cart as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation.

Best,
Anne Gardner

Dear Old Rude Ass Jackass Man At The Grocery Store,

Clearly my previous post regarding grocery store etiquette did not reach you. Probably this has something to do with you not having a Facebook account, or probably even owning a computer.

As previously mentioned, however, MY groceries go first, then yours. Today I even offered for you to go in front of me since you were obviously in a hurry to get through the check out line. And what did you do? You refused, explaining that the cashier was fast and it wouldn’t be necessary. So I said, “yes, she is, but I’m eight months pregnant and not fast.” To which you replied, “Oh, well would you like me to help you unload?” and proceeded to touch my groceries prior to receiving an answer from me! So I hurriedly responded, “No, that’s ok.” But what I was really thinking was, “No. I dont want help unloading. I want you to go in front of me so I don’t have to feel rushed to unload my groceries as I hold my breath bending over the side of my cart with a huge pregnant belly. I want you to get your shopping done without any further interaction with you. And I want you to get your fucking hands off my bread! And really, truly, more than anything, I want to get out of this store with my groceries without getting further harassed, creating a scene, or getting arrested for elder abuse.”

read more »

January 31, 2011

Possession 101

by MICHELLE DEE

[Editor’s Note: We’ve previously underestimated our popularity with the ethereal and undead. Please accept this piece as our apology to you, you demonic bastards.]

1. You are weak. You are a fucking ghost/demon. An entity from the SPIRITUAL world. YOU HAVE NO PHYSICALITY.

2. Energy must be drawn from human emotion. Fear and anger are the quickest ways to go about this and, let’s face it, the most fun.*

3. You must start out small, planting the seed into your victim’s–er, resident’s–mind that you are there.  Do things like toss keys on the ground, knock things over or move small things out of their usual spots.

4. After that, you can do more obnoxious things that effect them financially. Turning on their water faucets or electronics, for instance.  You have the power to make it extremely cold in pockets of the house. Try to hang out by the thermostat. This is effective to achieve the anger we mentioned earlier.  Also, messing with kitchen cabinets and doors might seem lame, but do it just to watch the look on their faces. BWAHAHAHAHA!

read more »

January 25, 2011

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 25, 2011

[Editors Note: This bitch crazy!]

Hey y’all.  I apoligize for the late post.  I had my cousins weddin to attend this weekend. Beauteful weddin at the First Baptist Church.  The whole family thought this was a long time comin.  They have been together off and on for 18 years, so we were all happy to see her hitched finally.  All 9 of her kids were in the ceremony and it was very touchin. Unfortunately her other baby daddy showed up at the American Legion (father of the 2nd, 3rd, and 7th babies) and made quite a ruckus at the receptin. That man is always reeking of beer and ciggarettes.  But anyhoo, he got all up in my cousins face, and in turn I told him my piece then his loud mouthed lady friend got all up in my face.  That trailer trash princess had put her hands on me and well… I needed a place to put out my ciggarrette.  I was ready to tear into her. Took 3 officers to escort me out. So that’s how I ended up in county lock up over the weekend. I just got released this morning after visitin with that handsome judge I often see at the American Legion singles dances. I think he fancys me.  But anyhoo, I’m here to answer questions and late or not thats what I’m gonna do.

—–

Dear Chevelle,

Yo C, I got a situation. I gots this roomate and he be ‘illin. Leaving his socks all on the floor and laundry piled up outside his door. He got dishes stacked up in the sink, and don’t do shit up in this piece. It’s like he’s waiting for his momma to come over and magically make it all disappear. I’ve mentioned it and he gets all hype on me, stompin’ off like a whiny little bitch. How should I approach this?

Peace,
Dissed In Denver

Dear Dissed,

Look Honey, never underestimate the power of your momma, and judgin by the way you talk- go for his big momma. You tell them and have them come over.  I always tell my kids you aren’t too big for me to bust your ass. Same goes in your case. If that don’t work I would suggest throwing his crap out on the lawn. He’ll pick it up then! I know thats right!

Dear Chevelle,

I have entered myself in this Miss Kentucky Beauty Pageant. I am super nervous about the questions they are going to ask me, and I wonder if you can provide any tips on how to represent us country girls proper-like!

Lost In Louisville

Dear Lost,

Sugar you need to cram. May I suggest Jepordy re-runs or for more current happenins and news type questions take some lessons off the good folks at Fox News.  When in doubt World Piece and the Children are our future. Damn I love me some Whitney Houston.  Oh and always remember… You can never have too much hair spray!

—–

Y’all can write 2 me with this here in4mayshun:

Chevelle Danniels
117 Walton Way
Trayler # 13
Dumas, AR 71639

or Emale me at:
baybiezmomma78@aol.com

January 21, 2011

Comedy In Purgatory: Ωpen Mics

by ANDREW KING

Open mics: the Alpha and Omega of stand up comedy. It’s where every comedian starts, and I have no doubt that it’s where several comedians have called it their end. An open mic has the ability to make you feel invincible, giving a high like no other. It can also crush your soul and make you doubt every decision you’ve ever made. Now, performing in general already can have those results, but with open mics… you’re doing it for free.

Here in Purgatory, where the majority of open mics are for musicians who want you to hear their brilliant covers they spent a couple of afternoons learning, comedy is considered alien, and it is often ignored. On the other side of that, however, is a great feeling of accomplishment if you can actually win the crowd. It’s not easy by any means, and depending on the location, the odds are heavily stacked against you. But it is possible.

There are different types of open mics:
—-

Bar Open Mics

Found here are TV’s blaring, people playing pool, drunks arguing over sports teams and more. Oh, and don’t forget the jukebox. What’s more fun than trying to win over a crowd who’s trying to drink away sorrows, the abandonment of dreams, or just another day at the office/coal mine? Trying to win over said crowd while the Ghostbusters theme is playing in the background.

read more »

January 17, 2011

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 17, 2011

Dear Chevelle,

I am looking for impartial advice from you.  My fiancé and I are getting married next month.  We have a 5-year old together.  My mother-in-law has always been good to me.  Until now.  She is in charge of the rehearsal dinner and instead of having it catered, she decided to host a barbeque!  I was disappointed but agreed.   I gave her the list of who to invite and she says she is adding six of her family to the list.  She knows my feelings and is blatantly disregarding them.  I told her to forget about the dinner, I would host it myself in a restaurant.  Now she says that she will not be attending my dinner.  My fiancé and I agree that this our wedding and we should be able to have things the way we wish.  She has no right to dictate to us.  I do not want my mother-in-law to walk all over me.  I think I deserve an apology from her!

Stuck-Up In Saskatchewan

read more »

January 11, 2011

Comedy In Purgatory: Hell Gigs

by Andrew King

Every comedian I know has a great story of a really bad gig. The better ones have several. Hell Gigs are a rite of passage in the comedian community, an integral part of the journey of being a stand-up comic. There are many ingredients to a Hell Gig, they can have a combination of,  or all of these things:

[_] Heckler (You suck!)

[_] Oblivious/Bad Audience (What? Comedians? WTF is a comedian?)

[_] Awkward Set-Up (So here’s a milk-crate you can stand on… What? No, the TV’s will still be on.)
Now this particular gig had all of the above…

It was a benefit show for a guy who had cancer. I say “had” because he died before the show. So the benefit changed goals and now the proceeds would be going to a cancer charity. The show itself took place outside of a biker bar in East Moline, Illinois. Already there are enough signs to know that it’s going to be rough.

The stage was a Semi-truck’s flatbed trailer. There was a ladder nailed to it so you could get onto it. The trailer faced the brick wall of the bar and the audience was at an angle eating curly fries. I’ll try to illustrate below:

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January 10, 2011

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 10, 2011

Dear Chevelle:

Hello. This is Clara Mae Jenkins, and I has a concern I would like your assistance with. You see, I think my husband has been sexualizin with the babysitter. The kids tell me they “wrestle” together, the sitter and my man. They do it in the bedroom after hubbie comes home from work but before I get home from my evenin’ shift at Denny’s. Please tell me what I should do, I can’t stand the thought of him with that skank.

Sincerely,
Worried In Wichita

Dear Worried,

Once I thawt my 3rd baby’s daddy was cheatin on me while I was at work.  I called his momma, Paster Greg, and Raydene – the big mouthed tubby-slut across the street – over for sum pie and coffee while the kids were in school.  I busted right in on him and that cum-guzzling hussy.  Now, not only is he paying me an obscene amount of child support, his momma knows his baby ain’t got no daddy,  he had to confess before the priest, and the entire town knows he was with that 4-toothed, chain-smoking whore.  Maybe this will work for you, sister? Lord willin!

Sincerely,
Chevelle

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January 9, 2011

Dear Chevelle: A Weekly Advice Column

This iz me, right after my weddin y'all

My name is Chevelle Danniels. I am a 33 year old single mother of 7 kids: 14, 10, 8 , 4 year old triplets, and my 17 munth old. I was born in Grady, AR and moved to Dumas, AR, to live with my triplets daddy and for more oppurtoonity. I work hard to do for my kids. I am a checker for Wal-mart during the day and a PT bartender in the evenings.  I enjoy watching Wheel of Fortoone and readin Cosmo magazines. I enjoy my bowling legue and trivial nights at the American Legion, which is also where I do my bartending. I can bake better than anybodies grandma. I am an ex smoker and current drinker, Workin hard wit the Lord and AA on that one.  I married my senyor year of highskool and that didn’t work out so well so I’ve been looking for my Prince Charmin every cents. If you are him then  don’t you be afraid to buy me no drink ;)

Until then Our Lord and Savior will do.  I am a Christian but I don’t judge. Jesus Christ is the only perfect being so write in with any quesitons, heathens.  I have real solootons for real delimmus.

Y’all can write 2 me with this here in4mayshun:

Chevelle Danniels
117 Walton Way
Trayler # 13
Dumas, AR 71639

or Emale me at:
baybiezmomma78@aol.com

December 21, 2010

Inconspicuously Lit

by ANDREW HICKS

The Long Island Iced Tea was invented in Prohibition times to throw off the law, because it actually looked like an innocent, non-alcoholic beverage. Prohibition is long over, but you might find yourself in need of a drink that no one knows is a drink. So if you’re somewhere that doesn’t allow conspicuous consumption, all you need to make this innocent-looking drink is:

  • A bottle of vodka
  • A bottle of gin
  • A bottle of rum
  • A bottle of tequila
  • A bottle of triple sec
  • A bottle of sour mix
  • A bottle of Coke
  • A ton of ice
  • A flash blender
  • A quart-sized silver mixing tin
  • Seven towels to wrap your glass bottles in, so they don’t clank
  • An enormous duffel bag to put all this shit in

Smuggle these 12 things into whichever place prohibits alcohol, and you too can walk around with your “iced tea” and a knowing wink to flash the cool people. This plan is genius, and this plan is utterly foolproof.

December 7, 2010

The 12 Don’ts of Christmas

by MICHELLE DEE and WOO

Do you have holiday pet peeves? Aside from the term “pet peeve” itself, I mean? I’m sure we all do, and here we have decided to take note of a few for you. Perhaps you are one of the offenders. Please, take our advice, and correct your behaviors. We have a PhD In Christmas, after all.

1. Save the bow if you must, but wrapping paper is meant to be ripped open. Don’t sit there and have a 20 minute conversation with everyone waiting while you try to pry off the scotch tape. Seriously Grandma, this one is for you. Stop denying it now!

2. Always bring the hostess a gift, but not cheese balls/logs. If everyone brings cheese balls the rest will go spoiled before the first one is ever used. I think we all can relate to spoiled cheesy balls. Oh yes you can, go take a shower! How about your bring Wine instead. Wine is better with age, and your family is more acceptable when you’re sloshed.

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