Prince’s Birthday Itinerary

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

1 pm - Play symbol-shaped guitar in field of blue fiber optic wires and purple posies while a sheep looks on.

The Purple One turned 51 yesterday, and it was a special birthday for the little man. We know it was special because WNF operatives managed to get ahold of his symbol-shaped day planner. Here’s how Prince planned to spend his birthday time:

5 am – Get woken up by alarm clock that blurts out “Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Chaka Khan Chaka Khan, Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Chaka Ch-Ch-Ch-Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.”

5:30 am – Eat bowl of Cap’n Crunch with soy milk.

6 am – Open blinds, check to see if sky is all purple and people are running everywhere.

6:30-8 am – Do Pilates while listening to 90-minute version of “Batdance.”

8:15 am – Finally shave off that eighth grade mustache.

9 am – Walk door to door asking neighbors if they’re ready for Jehovah’s return.

10 am – Call Rebecca Black. Ask her if she’s interested in collaborating on a song about Hump Day. When she excitedly says yes, laugh loudly, scream “No way, bitch!” and hang up.

‎10:15 am – Grab aloe vera tissue, gently wipe away tears from eyes of pet dove.

10:30 am – Go online and see if there are any sweet new axes on PhallicGuitars.com.
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11 am – Open package in the mail, roll eyes when it turns out to be a strawberry beret. Realize your friends don’t know you at all.

Easy Living Made Easier

Now Jenny is finally ready to watch TV safely.

by ERTEL GRAY and ANDREW HICKS

If life has taught us anything, it’s this: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. In fact, stay away from horses. In fact, just stay away from any animal that has a better-than-average chance of mauling or trampling you to death. In fact, just stay away from animals altogether. This includes invertebrates and microscopic nuisances.

There’s an easier way to make like Prince and “get through this crazy thing we call life.” If you’re interested in learning how, slide back from the edge of your seat (You could fall!), and listen up:

• Duct tape couch cushions and pillows around your torso and limbs, and wear a bike helmet everywhere you go. Fashion probably isn’t your friend if you’re reading these words, so why not make safety goal No. 1?

• Breakfast is the most important meal, yes, but it can also be downright deadly. The solution is to eat soft foods with rounded corners and avoid crispy foods. Blend cereals together if possible. Or, better yet, prepare your cereal weeks in advance, so those crispy, jagged flakes become a gruel-like paste that you can intake easily through a straw. The roof of your mouth will thank you for liberating it from the daily bloody assaults of that sadist seaman Cap’n Crunch.

From the Mind of J.Miz, Volume 2

Cemetery: The singles' bar for the new millennium.

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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I’m going to start using the obituaries as a dating tool. I can be very comforting to recently widowed penis.

The religious will tell you to pray and repent in order to be spared on Judgment Day. Fuck that, just make sure you’re in line behind ME.

As a single woman in her thirties, it’s difficult for me to meet guys. I’m starting to miss my old job as Glory Hole Attendant.

My Jewish boyfriend would like to thank the Pope for all the time I spent in Catholic church, kneeling.

I confronted my boyfriend about his sex addiction, and he’s in therapy now. Sadly for me, it’s hands-on therapy to improve his technique.

With this humidity, I should just wear my hair curly, but I can’t find my Black Power pick. And I’m nothing without my accessories.

I once dated a guy with ED. Yeah, his dick would fail… at recognizing who its girlfriend was.

I would never get paid for sex. Robbing dudes afterward is way more fun.

I will never forget my senior prom. That was the night my daughter Toiletta was born.

3DSC, Day 13: Song you naively put on a mix tape thinking it was a panty dropper

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

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WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 13: SONG YOU NAIVELY PUT ON A MIX TAPE THINKING IT WAS A PANTY DROPPER

Samwell: sexual chocolate consuming sexual chocolate.

J.MIZ
Guys: “Me So Horny,” 2 Live Crew will always work on me. End of story.

ANDY HUBER
“Thong Song” worked for me, but when I asked where she got her Coleman panties from, she told me the camping section at Wal-Mart. I also once put “Closer” by NIN on as foreplay, but the girl got mad when I misunderstood the chorus and brought out a labrador.

ANDREW HICKS
‎“I want this enormous dog to feel you from the inside.”

J.MIZ
I threw on “In the Butt” by Samwell cuz I wanted a guy to hit the backdoor, but that was before I knew his past history of being anally raped in prison. Shoulda known something was up when he disappeared into the shower, crying and comfort rocking for three hours.

ANDREW HICKS
I used to think “Gett Off” by Prince would have the magic effect on a lady, but it’s too much work to stop and think about those dumbass lyrics. “So Prince has a friend named Vanessa Bett? I’ve never heard of anyone with the last name Bett. I think he just needed a word to rhyme with wet. How fucking elementary. And I’m supposed to get turned on that Vanessa Bett had a fantasy about ‘a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside’? Is this ‘box’ as in ‘vagina’? Or an actual box with a mirror and tongue? Is the mirror there so the tongue can groom itself? Does the tongue lick the mirror and THAT’S sexy? Does the tongue have nostrils and is snorting coke off the mirror?” And at that point, I’m just like, “Okay, let me drive you home now.”

3DSC, Day 6: Song you’re embarassed to admit you know all the words to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 6: SONG YOU’RE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO

Prince swears he's "all about the clam."

J.MIZ
Where should I begin? I pretty much have the entire Grease soundtrack memorized. I was motherfuckin Sandra Dee. Not only did I have that double-album gem on vinyl, I had two copies. Yes, two. No idea why. They both played fine. And nobody’s ever questioned it.

SARA J ROSE
Went out last night and was surprised I knew so many words to “Pussy Control” by Prince. I should have known the marriage wasn’t going to work out when I found out the guy liked Prince so much.

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sadly, “Mandy,” by Barry Manilow, although this nugget helped me write an inappropriate Michael J. Fox joke.

J.MIZ
I love “Copacabana.” Wait, I meant cabana boys. Never mind.

DRIFT ROBERTS
What “song”? Try the entire discography of Tom Petty, KISS, Boston, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, The Who, CCR, Deep Purple, Genesis, Talking Heads, Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, Dylan, Queen, Jethro Tull, Rainbow, T.Rex, Simon and Garfunkel, Beatles, Yes, Fleetwood Mac, Doors, Stevie Wonder, David Bowie, AC/DC, Wings, Rush, Devo, Alice Cooper, Van Halen, Zappa, Elton John, Steely Dan, BOC, Van Morrison, Kinks, Cars, Judas Priest, Janis Joplin, Thin Lizzy, Uriah Heep, ZZ Top, Montrose, UFO, Boston, Cheap Trick, Joan Jett, Heart, Kansas and Warren Zevon. I’m 18. I should be spending my time getting laid and underage drinking, not being Buddah’s music buddy.

BUDDAH ESKEW
I got your “music buddy.” Pink Floyd?! Zep?! Them’s fighting words! You forgot Aerofuckinsmith!

DRIFT ROBERTS
Who’s Aerosmith?? (Hah! Gotcha!)

J.MIZ
Oh em gee… *hands Drift some pussy, then wonders if he and Buddah were any other kind of “buddies” since Buddah once warned me to be gentle with Drift*