Posts tagged ‘Unsolved Mysteries’

August 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 11

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Dead Elvis jokes: Too soon?

    Today marks the 34th anniversary of me still not giving a shit that Elvis died.

  • A white kid’s rite of passage from childhood to adulthood, is the first time they say “fuck” to their mom SUCCESSFULLY.
  • I broke up with my ex like 3 months ago, and he’s STILL sending me dirty texts! I FINALLY told him, “Dude, if I didn’t cum by now…”
  • Glee makes my vagina seal shut.
  • Cats are horrible at handshakes and hugs.
  • Anytime somebody tells me, “I’ll pray for you!” I think, “OH FUCK! To YOUR God?!”
  • I’ve finally had it with guys talking to me like they’re 12. So I just dumped my boyfriend. After I dropped him off at day camp.
  • If I had a dollar for everytime I heard “Cherry Pie” last week, I’d be a HORRIBLE stripper.
  • I only hook up with guys who are AT LEAST 23. It used to be 25, but I recently had a birthday.
  • I miss living alone. And by living alone, I mean masturbating.
  • The best thing about quitting drinking was all the free time I suddenly had. To do cocaine.
  • I REALLY love cake. And by “cake” I mean “oral.”
  • Weaves are now considered fashionable. I doubt white people thought that a few hundred years ago when it was called “scalping.”
  • I once broke up with a guy when I discovered he had a small penis. In his mouth.
  • Sometimes I worry I’m OCD. Wait… Sometimes I get worried that… FUCK! Wait… I often worry… DAMMIT!
  • I’m going to open a cupcake shop and name it Curvez. #FirstOneIsFree
  • I believe sex is the HIGHEST expression of love. For sex.
  • When ever somebody acts like a bitch to me, I assume she’s in heat. So I hump her leg.
  • It’s hard to watch people drink themselves to death. So I do my BEST to encourage them. To drink alone at home.
  • I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you. As soon as you start laughing.
  • When I attempt to have a conversation with somebody who then has nothing but Bible citations, it reminds me of my mom: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”
  • Whenever I watch Unsolved Mysteries, I wonder who the fuck abducts women and children THAT ugly.
  • I wish the weather was ALWAYS like this. #WhiteGirlThoughts
  • The last time a chick tried to get me to gossip, I IMMEDIATELY walked away. And talked shit about her.
  • I like big cocks and I cannot lie. #SirDicksALot
  • Love is like laryngitis. They both start with “L.”
  • I’ve had boyfriends that I LOVED. And I’ve had boyfriends that I’ve LIKED. More than loneliness.
  • Thunderstorms make me wet.
  • Jesus may be my co-pilot, but Satan is CLEARLY my navigator.
  • “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” –St. Francis of Assisi
  • Some people are born who are good at EVERTHING they do. Then there are those who aren’t me.
  • You know you live in the hood when the car alarms stay on beat with the radio.
  • I never hit snooze because I fear commitment. I prefer that my tardiness be spontaneous.
  • People think I commit a lot of sins because I don’t have God. I just know that I don’t want to be an old person who is always cold.
  • It’s very difficult to explain why I enjoy being single to people who are in relationships. Especially if they are my boyfriend.
  • I’ve always wanted to have children but have never wanted to keep them.
  • I HATE hypocrites. That being said, I love you guys.
  • What do illiterate people do while they eat their cereal?
  • I have often been called a “slut,” but I prefer to think of myself as a “people pleaser.”
  • I wish my boyfriend made me want to cum as hard as I want to go.
  • Any urban squirrel’s pole work could put even the BEST stripper to shame.
  • I only date guys with long hair because I like my boyfriends unemployed or “working in entertainment.”
  • I’m either getting a huge zit on my forehead or my skull’s about to release the Kraken.
  • Safe words are for pussies and quitters.
  • My boyfriend recently started refusing to wear a condom. I sat him down and explained how that makes it unsafe to assume this may be his baby.
  • You ever get that “pee your pants” feeling, just following peeing your pants?
  • My boyfriend is always encouraging me to try new things. So I did. And he was RIGHT! HIS cock IS bigger than his brother’s.
  • I can hear my roommate moaning in the next room. It’s making me EXTREMELY excited. That the cyanide’s FINALLY working.
  • I will listen to what you do, not what you say, the moment you get to fucking off.