Posts tagged ‘Tom Petty’

August 31, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 12

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Coroner?"

  • Fuck trial and error! I want trial and success! Like when I’m shopping on sample day, and I get to taste a delicious new bacon or sausage product.
  • It’s gotten to the point that, under “marital status,” I write in “I HAVE A CAT.”
  • I once fucked a guy with the same name as my dad. It was SO weird hooking up with a guy named Dad.
  • My resolution for 2012 is to be wined and dined instead of nickle-and-dimed.
  • While impressed with strippers who can” make it clap”, I won’t be totally awed until they can make that shit speak American Sign Language.
  • Have you ever just listened carefully, stopped and wondered: WHAT THE FUCK IS R. KELLY TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!
  • If I rape a clown, THEN is it funny?
  • Sometimes I celebrate my whiteness. Like now. I’m enjoying a Fresca. Immensely.
  • “YO MTV VMA’S! IMMA LETCHOO FINISH, BUT….” –Beyonce’s fetus
  • I just passed a 13-year-old kid on a bike who was singing “Sweet Caroline.” I hate that fucking kid.
  • I just heard that Gary Coleman STILL isn’t buried. I’m CONVINCED it’s because he refuses to go any lower.
  • I hate being judged for being in my late 30s and owning a cat. It’s pretty unfair to skip over all my other dysfunctional qualities.
  • Screen captchas make me feel like I’m taking a field sobriety test.
  • My boyfriend’s idea of romance is holding hands. While I suck his dick.
  • Every guy who’s known me intimately has truly loved my insides.
  • I just got a piece of my vag caught in my zipper. Thank GOD there’s more where THAT came from.
  • Somebody as tall as me just asked me to reach something for them. HOLY FUCK! These pajamas give me SUPER HEIGHT!
  • GOD! I sure wish I had some candy right now! #ShitYouDontSayToAGuyWithAVan
  • I feel extremely white when I listen to Tom Petty. Even if Lil Wayne drops a remix with him, this will never change.
  • When a guy is being creepy to me via the Internet, 9 times out of 10, he’s a foreigner. Good job keeping the sterotypes alive, “buddy.”
  • You ever have an uncontrollable urge to fuck one of your friends? Cuz otherwise it’s a waste of all that raw GHB?
  • You ever wish you were back in high school? You know, so sex wasn’t so illegal anymore?
  • If I had a dollar for every time anyone said, “I didn’t know you were so smart.” Then I’d be rich, and they’d say, “I didn’t know you were so rich.”
  • I was excited to get invited to a dating sight for faithful singles. But it was Black People Meet. WIn or loss??? YOU decide!
  • I need the hip-hop community to come up with some new synonyms for my fat girl jokes.
  • I was always so grateful I wasnt one of those girls whose cousin took them to prom. THANKS Jacob Howell, Christian youth camp counselor!
  • Since I’m home alone, I’m eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese. I’m home alone because I sit at home alone eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese.
  • I SWORE I just heard a “house phone” ring in here. Either I’m stroking out, it’s the 80’s, or Jesus is coming.
  • I think most guys like dogs better because they know you can’t turn a cat lady into a housewife.
  • Legalizing prostitution would NOT increase jobs, it would DECREASE “rental assistance.”
  • Whenever my best friend is in a pinch for babysitters, I help by calling around to see who can get there the fastest from Watchtower.
  • I’m writing a book on how today’s society stalks above the law. You reading this, retweeting or responding saves me a shit-ton of research.
  • Walking home from high school in a Catholic school uniform was OBVIOUSLY a horrible idea. Rape should be more “surprisey.”
  • In high school, my nickname was “Hoover.” Don’t go thinking it was code for anything. It just came from me giving a lot of blowjobs.
  • I’ve tricked a LOT of guys into giving me oral with a little game I like to call Just The Lip.
  • I grew up in a very open family. Or at least that’s how my dad described it to his brother while discussing my mom.
  • My black friend laughed at my last name being a Scantron nightmare. But he empathized with the frustration of it just never fitting.
  • The minute than men can start paying for pussy, I’m FUCKED.
  • I had a HORRIBLE time remembering my ex’s birthday, because I was so busy loving the idea of his death.
  • I am EXTREMELY horrible at forgetting I forgave you.
  • There is nothing more disappointing than bad sex, aside from the guy NOT crying when you tell him.
  • I was asked to bring a headshot to an audition. I’m new to all this, I was a bit hurt they didn’t like the donkey punch porn my ex and I made.
  • ‎Every time I go down my stairs, I almost slip and fall on the same step. I’m CONVINCED it’s a ghost. And questioning if it’s that fifth of vodka.
  • It’s nights like this I totally understand crack addiction. Sucking dick for a piece of toast with cinnamon sugar sounds fair to me.
  • I’m cool with my boyfriend choking me during sex, just not so much when I’m sleeping.
  • The good thing about bed bugs is that you ALWAYS have something to snuggle.
  • My Pandora station is playing a whole lot of I Was Raped As a Little Boy songs. This makes me REALLY question what my brother’s up to.
  • One does not have to be humiliated in order to attain humility.
  • My boyfriend takes me to see all the rejumps of the ’80s and ’90s movies. So sex isn’t the ONLY thing I fall asleep in the middle of.
  • My boyfriend HATES it when I don’t say I love you. But I totally understand. Because sometimes I hate him.
  • People are often amazed that I eat what I want and stay thin. When they ask me my secret, I tell them. LOTS of cardio and vomiting.
  • I’m listening to Lil Wayne’s “Gonorrhea” and wondering if he knew how to spell and treat it, not just transmit it.
  • The weirdest thing about sleeping alone tonite is that feeling of “HOLY SHIT! I TOTALLY didn’t just fuck somebody!”
July 8, 2011

Inappropriate Restaurant Music

by RYAN KRAUSE
edited by ANDREW HICKS and J.MIZ

Riots break out at KFC during Tuesday Two-Play day on Sirius XM's Michael Bolton Radio channel.

I’ve worked in restaurants for more than six years now, and as a music junkie I’ve always paid close attention to the music played in the dining room for the customers. I believe the music played in a restaurant is a vital component to creating a good mood in customers. Restaurants should play fun, upbeat, popular music that is considered to be tolerable by all people. These playlists are corporately compiled to be played in restaurant dining rooms, yet they frequently play the most bland, depressing, out-of-place, truly fucking shitty music that does NOT set the mood for fun.

Exhibit A for my argument: Tom Petty. You would think, Oh, a nice, light rockin’ Petty song would be good for a restaurant. My only question is, why the fuck would you play “The Waiting (Is the Hardest Part)” in a restaurant where food takes forever? You’re already pissed off, then you hear a song that reminds you of how waiting too long to fill your stomach with delicious food sucks ass. Then, after a shitty meal you hear multitracked voices chanting, “HEY! Don’t come around here no more!” You know these customers are thinking, That’s a great idea. I’m fucking NOT coming around here no more!

Another song that has royally pissed me off is Chris Rice’s “Lemonade.” Now, I listen to modern rap, and those ballers aren’t half as pompous as Chris Rice. His song is nothing but boasting how life handed him lemonade, instead of lemons from which to make lemonade. Which means his life has been easy as shit because he is a trust-fund baby. He is, and always will be, rich and “happy.” He will never have to work, or MAKE LEMONADE FROM LEMONS like the rest of us.

By the way, Chris Rice, your lyric, “Thanks for the happy ending,” is a punch in the face to all those average human beings who just waited 45 minutes for their hot-wing appetizers to come out. They already endured all that Tom Petty. Now, when they leave, they hear a song about a guy who is having the best life anyone has ever had ever! Whoever picked this song to be played during dining hours at a restaurant is a huge dick!

Other “Horrible Mentions” in the Inappropriate Restaurant Music category go to: John Mayer, “Waiting For the World to Change”; Michael Jackson, “Man In the Mirror”; and Bryan McKnight, “Back At One.” Those three songs, back to back, are enough to make me stab a random person in the face with a fork. And guess what? A restaurant customer’s silverware rollup comes with two forks! Since this trio of crap music comes from the iPod playlist of a fauxhawked douchetard bartender at my current place of employment, maybe the customers should fork-stab him! Then maybe he won’t play the same iPod playlist every night. (I mean, seriously, this dillweed never hits the “shuffle” button).

It would be kind of cool to see a depression-induced mass suicide during the dinner rush, due to the back-to-back playing of “This Year’s Love” by David Gray and any REM song. Maybe the restaurant people would finally say to themselves, “Shit! Mass suicide! Maybe we should rethink our music playlist!” Then the playlist-making bartender would reply, “Nah, let’s go the safe and easy route, add a little Yanni and take away their forks.”

March 21, 2011

3DSC, Day 6: Song you’re embarassed to admit you know all the words to

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 6: SONG YOU’RE EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO

Prince swears he's "all about the clam."

J.MIZ
Where should I begin? I pretty much have the entire Grease soundtrack memorized. I was motherfuckin Sandra Dee. Not only did I have that double-album gem on vinyl, I had two copies. Yes, two. No idea why. They both played fine. And nobody’s ever questioned it.

SARA J ROSE
Went out last night and was surprised I knew so many words to “Pussy Control” by Prince. I should have known the marriage wasn’t going to work out when I found out the guy liked Prince so much.

BUDDAH ESKEW
Sadly, “Mandy,” by Barry Manilow, although this nugget helped me write an inappropriate Michael J. Fox joke.

J.MIZ
I love “Copacabana.” Wait, I meant cabana boys. Never mind.

DRIFT ROBERTS
What “song”? Try the entire discography of Tom Petty, KISS, Boston, REO Speedwagon, Journey, Black Sabbath, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Rolling Stones, The Who, CCR, Deep Purple, Genesis, Talking Heads, Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, Dylan, Queen, Jethro Tull, Rainbow, T.Rex, Simon and Garfunkel, Beatles, Yes, Fleetwood Mac, Doors, Stevie Wonder, David Bowie, AC/DC, Wings, Rush, Devo, Alice Cooper, Van Halen, Zappa, Elton John, Steely Dan, BOC, Van Morrison, Kinks, Cars, Judas Priest, Janis Joplin, Thin Lizzy, Uriah Heep, ZZ Top, Montrose, UFO, Boston, Cheap Trick, Joan Jett, Heart, Kansas and Warren Zevon. I’m 18. I should be spending my time getting laid and underage drinking, not being Buddah’s music buddy.

BUDDAH ESKEW
I got your “music buddy.” Pink Floyd?! Zep?! Them’s fighting words! You forgot Aerofuckinsmith!

DRIFT ROBERTS
Who’s Aerosmith?? (Hah! Gotcha!)

J.MIZ
Oh em gee… *hands Drift some pussy, then wonders if he and Buddah were any other kind of “buddies” since Buddah once warned me to be gentle with Drift*

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February 23, 2011

Today in Music History

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

1961 Petula Clark has her first #1 single in Britain. The same day, 32 British mothers name their newborn babies Petula. Not a one of those 32 British broads grows up happy to be named Petula.

"Spring breeeeaaaaakkk!!!"

1965 — First day of filming on The Beatles‘ second movie, with the working title Eight Arms to Hold You. The young son of a Japanese gaffer on set is so inspired by the title that he begins an obsession culminating decades later with the birth of tentacle hentai.

1971 George Harrison is fined and banned from driving for a year. What is he being fined? Probably for handing out flowers at the airport. My Sweet Lord.

In 1977, members of The Eagles, Fleetwood Mac and The Bee Gees have a three-day drunken, drugged-out orgy, after which they all make a pact to never talk about it. In 1978, when all three acts win Grammies and make acceptance speeches, they prove what liars they are.

1978 — David Coverdale’s Whitesnake makes its concert debut at the Sky Bird Club in England. Funny that Coverdale named his band “Whitesnake” after his own penis. Equally funny that every male WNF writer named his penis “Sky Bird Club.”

1978 Sex Pistols front man Sid Vicious is arrested in New York for possession of drugs. Sid’s mother is shocked. She’s the only one.

1979 Dire Straits play their first American show in Boston. (Unfortunately, the Celtics beat them 104-12.) The concert is cut short so they can make a couple quick bucks helping some guy in the front row move some refrigerators, and also, some color TVs.

1985 Stevie Wonder is arrested during an anti-apartheid demonstration outside the South African Embassy in Washington. Just before the cuffs go on, Stevie is thinking to himself that McDonald’s seems awfully busy for a Saturday morning. Wonder is released after questioning by police (“Mr. Wonder, can you tell us what you saw here today?”).

‎1985 The Smiths are #1 on British album charts with Meat Is Murder (But Bacon Is Goddamn Beautiful).

1988 Michael Jackson kicks off the second leg of his Bad World Tour, which is also the debut of his problematic third leg (“allegedly”).

1989 Isaac Hayes is jailed by an Atlanta judge for owing almost $350,000 in child support and alimony. The judge remarks that Isaac is a guilty mother–SHUT YO MOUTH!

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