Posts tagged ‘Satire’

September 11, 2011

Klan Kalls it Kwits?

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

K3 recruitment drive starts at the top!

LITTLE ROCK, ARK. – Today, the Klu Klux Klan announced that it will be going through a bit of an identity change. Spokesman John “Chilli” Mac issues this statement, “After some bit’a consideration, we come to think the youths of today don’t find us hip enough to join up with.”

Membership is down over 85 percent since 1995. Mac blames this on the rapid growth and popularity of the Internet.

“Seems with all the message boards and social media to express your views on, the kids today are much more independent racists. Hell, my own 10-year-old boy would rather shout racial slurs into his Xbox microphone than come to a meet-up,” Mac stated.

With these things in mind, the decision came to re-brand the Klan. It seemed a natural fit to give it a new name, in the style of a web 2.0 business.

“From here on out we’re to be known as ‘K3: The Klan.’ The kids love it, ‘cuz you can make a K and a 3 with your hands. My kids run around hollerin’ “K3 Represent” and tossin’ the K3 sign up all the time.” It seems the irony of the hip-hop ‘gangsta’ culture seeping into Klan life has gone over the head of Mr. Mac.

Along with the name change, K3 has realized its sense of fashion is seriously outdated. Mac says, “We discovered that wearing our bedsheets out, especially after Labor Day, is just not hip at all.”

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August 26, 2011

From the WNF Macro-brewery…

by ERIC DOHMAN with ANDREW HICKS, EVE VENTRELLA and J.MIZ

You know about our official line of We’re Not Funny T-shirts. Now get crunk WNF-style with our new product roll-out of eight beer brands, ranging in price from “dirt cheap” to “rigoddamdiculous.”

Miller Low Life: The Over-40 40!

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This genie has been stuck in this bottle since 1979.

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Australian For "Irrational Multicultural Adoption Fetish."

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When "The Best" Is Just Too Damn Good...

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Blue Poon: The Perfect Companion For Blue Balls.

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Goes Down Like Milk.

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Isn't it Time For Your Pabst Smear?

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Lance Bass Pale Ale: Lighter Than Loafers!

August 8, 2011

Taco Liquors

by Eric DOHMAN
 
Irvine, Calif., June 24, 2011 – Taco Bell® is calling out to those ready to celebrate, who want to be the “life of the party,” and has announced the launch of an experimental store combining its immensely popular “Late Night” menu with an extensive liquor selection. The new entity is to be open 24 hours a day and is to be marketed as, “Taco Liquors.”To combat the impending rebuttal and outrage from groups such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD), Taco Liquors is creating a new “Pink Taco” menu. “A minimum of 25% of the proceeds from the Pink Taco Menu will go directly to breast cancer research.” said Roger Eaton, Chief Executive Officer. The Pink Taco Menu will include new specialties, all served on pink hard and soft shells such as the: Tuna Taco, Skirt Steak Enchilada, Roast Beef Burrito, Head Cheese Chalupa and Pork Pudding Taquitos.Along with traditional liquors, Chief Operating Officer for Yum! Brands, Inc. Emil Brolick stated that Taco Liquors plans on accentuating their line up with such specialties as: Cockburn’s Port, Drysack Liquors, Fat Ass Tequila, Crystal Head Vodka, Black Bush Whiskey and Beefeater London Dry Gin.
Initial stores are to be launched this October in selected areas. Those currently announced are: Bernal Heights in San Francisco, CA, West Village in NYC, NY and West Hollywood, CA.Taco Bell® Corp. (“Taco Bell®”), a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, Inc., (NYSE: YUM), is the nation’s leading Mexican-style quick service restaurant chain. Taco Bell® serves tacos, burritos, signature quesadillas, Grilled Stuft Burritos, nachos, and other specialty items such as Crunchwrap Supreme®, in addition to the Why Pay More® Value Menu. Taco Bell® serves more than 36.8 million consumers each week in nearly 5,600 restaurants in the U.S.

June 27, 2011

Broken News, June 26, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Ryan Dunn both drunk and speeding @ time of crash

Film recently obtained from MTV Productions, makers of Jackass, shows Dunn just before entering his vehicle for its fated rendezvous, making the statement, ‎”I’m Ryan Dunn, and this is Fatal Crash.”

What a Jackass…

New Android Phone Works Even After Bathing in Sweat

Finally, a phone women can carry around in nature’s holster, the underboob.

Now nothing has to stop for a text or Facebook status update. People will be swexting — having sloppy, sweaty sex, while also texting their buddies about how awesome or lousy it is. Who are we kidding; is sex ever bad for men?

While unable to reach anyone via phone for comment, we did receive a written statement from Sony Ericcson as follows: “Because Apple and iPhone refused to accept that 77% of their market was sweaty overweight men, we have developed the Xperia to cater exclusively to them. We look forward to shaking their clammy, fat hands.”

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June 17, 2011

An Amazing New Product: Santorum Shit Bags

by ERIC DOHMAN and ANDREW HICKS
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

OAKLAND, CALIF. — The Clorox Company, parent corporation of Glad Trash Bags, is scheduled to launch a new specialty product line this week called Santorum Shit Bags.

The plastic Shit Bags, which resemble a four-gallon kitchen trash bag with holes, will be stocked in supermarkets and drugstores next to adult diapers. However, company execs are quick to point out that the Santorum Shit Bag is a completely new, innovative product.

“This is not a diaper, this is something that was pioneered by the indigent community. We thank them for their homeless, pantsless efforts,” said Clorox Corporation CEO Donald Knauss.

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January 10, 2011

Dear Chevelle, Jan. 10, 2011

Dear Chevelle:

Hello. This is Clara Mae Jenkins, and I has a concern I would like your assistance with. You see, I think my husband has been sexualizin with the babysitter. The kids tell me they “wrestle” together, the sitter and my man. They do it in the bedroom after hubbie comes home from work but before I get home from my evenin’ shift at Denny’s. Please tell me what I should do, I can’t stand the thought of him with that skank.

Sincerely,
Worried In Wichita

Dear Worried,

Once I thawt my 3rd baby’s daddy was cheatin on me while I was at work.  I called his momma, Paster Greg, and Raydene – the big mouthed tubby-slut across the street – over for sum pie and coffee while the kids were in school.  I busted right in on him and that cum-guzzling hussy.  Now, not only is he paying me an obscene amount of child support, his momma knows his baby ain’t got no daddy,  he had to confess before the priest, and the entire town knows he was with that 4-toothed, chain-smoking whore.  Maybe this will work for you, sister? Lord willin!

Sincerely,
Chevelle

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January 9, 2011

Dear Chevelle: A Weekly Advice Column

This iz me, right after my weddin y'all

My name is Chevelle Danniels. I am a 33 year old single mother of 7 kids: 14, 10, 8 , 4 year old triplets, and my 17 munth old. I was born in Grady, AR and moved to Dumas, AR, to live with my triplets daddy and for more oppurtoonity. I work hard to do for my kids. I am a checker for Wal-mart during the day and a PT bartender in the evenings.  I enjoy watching Wheel of Fortoone and readin Cosmo magazines. I enjoy my bowling legue and trivial nights at the American Legion, which is also where I do my bartending. I can bake better than anybodies grandma. I am an ex smoker and current drinker, Workin hard wit the Lord and AA on that one.  I married my senyor year of highskool and that didn’t work out so well so I’ve been looking for my Prince Charmin every cents. If you are him then  don’t you be afraid to buy me no drink ;)

Until then Our Lord and Savior will do.  I am a Christian but I don’t judge. Jesus Christ is the only perfect being so write in with any quesitons, heathens.  I have real solootons for real delimmus.

Y’all can write 2 me with this here in4mayshun:

Chevelle Danniels
117 Walton Way
Trayler # 13
Dumas, AR 71639

or Emale me at:
baybiezmomma78@aol.com

December 3, 2010

Hannah Montana’s Achy Breaky Start

by Andrew Hicks

Veterans Day just passed, and as our website wasn’t yet launched in November, I’d like to take a moment to sincerely acknowledge the men and women who have served our country. Veterans have had it rough over the years. They’ve had to endure Agent Orange,HAIL SATAN! insufficient disability compensation, and a Billy Ray Cyrus album titled, Some Gave All.

I doubt there are many Vegas oddsmakers who take bets on the career longevity of musicians, but I would have lost serious money on Bret Michaels, Flavor Flav, Darius “Hootie” Rucker, and Billy Ray in particular. Who would predict the loins located three feet below that feathery brown mullet would spawn the billionaire teen multimedia sensation known as Miley? Also known as Hannah. Also known as Finally Almost 18.

Billy Ray Cyrus, it turns out, made the shrewdest deal with the devil of any music celebrity. During the negotiation process, Satan laid out the usual, “I’ll get you three Top 10 hits from two albums, a couple Grammy noms and the respect of your peers.” And Billy Ray said, “Nah, Satan. I’m a humble man. I’m good with being a one-hit wonder punchline… but could you bless my sperm?”

The Devil has been paying out of his smoldering ass for that one since like 2005. He’s had to take a second mortgage out on hell. It’s actually lukewarm down there now because Satan can’t pay his utilities in full. We’re all paying the karmic price for Miley Cyrus’s meteoric success.