Posts tagged ‘Paul Lao’

October 31, 2011

2011’s Least Popular Halloween Costumes

  • Rocky Dennis was named People's Sexiest-On-The-Inside Man Alive in 1985.

    Rocky Dennis from Mask

  • Octomom’s placenta
  • Tom from MySpace
  • Any costume you have to buy
  • Obese, bacon-intoxicated Ghandi
  • Gas station marquee from the future
  • Andy Rooney’s pubescent bed sheets from 1923
  • Freshly fucked couch

CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Hicks, Paul Lao, Probably Matt Linville, Jessica Stimson, Eve Ventrella and Woo
EDITED BY
Andrew Hicks

August 23, 2011

Know Your WNFer

by ANDREW HICKS

Image by Eric Dohman.

We’re closing in on our 250th post, with 9+ months of near-daily fresh comedy under our collective belt. And now we finally own WereNotFunny.com, for at least the next year or two. So what better time to acquaint yourself with the WNF Crew? In-depth individual profiles and a multipart Ken Burns PBS documentary to follow.

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WE’RE NOT FUNNY STAFF LIST

ANDREW HICKS — Editor-in-Chief/Co-Founder

It’s not so weird that I’m writing about myself right now. I’ve been writing about myself online in one form or another since 1995. I blogged the Year in the Life of a Nerd journals before the term “blogger” existed. Then I went and got drunk for like 10 years. Then I went and met my beautiful wife and had a couple beautiful kids. Got sober, started writing again and, for the first time, got myself an ensemble of Midwest comics, essayists and regular old bantering friends and friends of friends. Started organizing and editing our various words and ideas into blog posts.

REQUIRED READING: Love Letter to Phil Collins

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T. ALLAN CHRISTOPHER — Associate Editor/Co-Founder

T. Allan, to quote the Wu Tang Clan, is “the Osiris of this shit.” No sooner had I said, “I wonder if we could get some people together and start a site where we post daily solo pieces or group conversation highlightsor whatever the F we want,” than TAC set about getting a site up and running, for us to play around with. T. Allan is an active administrative and creative presence in our Facebook material-gathering groups, he takes care of a post or two a week for me, and every now and then we get him to write us a full solo piece, when he’s not busy working on this blog or this blog. As an aside, T. Allan Christopher has formerly written under the pseudonym Woo.

REQUIRED READING: Haiku News

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J.MIZ — Creative Coordinator/Co-Founder

I’d been on Facebook for about two months when I noticed J.Miz leaving astoundingly funny top-of-her-head comments on a mutual friend’s statuses. I sent her a friend request, we started bantering, and immediately there was a symbiosis of humor, mischievous fun and shared cultural references. Facebook got five times more entertaining when I met J.Miz. Once Woo, J.Miz and I got together, the comic chemistry was intense and immediate. Keep in mind, J.Miz had never considered writing comedy or really thought she was funny. Now she constructs and spits out jokes like a one-woman one-liner factory on Twitter. She’s given our writing group all kinds of concepts and premises to work from, and she’s helped me out of more than one creative jam. J.Miz has also brought WNF a healthy handful of like-minded contributors, and she’s proven effective at squeezing solo pieces out of existing contributors.

REQUIRED READING: WTF Facebook Friends

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TONY FYLER — Twitter Editor/Senior Contributor

Fyler is a fiercely intelligent, incisively witty writer from Great Britain or Wales or Ireland or something. His areas of interest include politics, theology (particularly, lack of) and the occasional off-the-wall food, sex or miscellaneous sociological joke. Oh, and he also fronted the money for our WereNotFunny.com domain, after I procrastinated and made excuses about being broke. Fyler’s not getting a penny of that $19 back, either.

REQUIRED READING: Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

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MICHELLE DEE — Facebook Fan Page Editor/Senior Contributor

Mrs. Woo has been around since the beginning and has possibly posted more WNF links to Facebook than anyone on this list. Around 28 percent of times the “share” button is clicked on Facebook, Michelle Dee is the culprit. Michelle recruited WNF staple contributors Fyler, Allison Stein and Eve Ventrella. She also runs our Facebook fan page, so next time you see the word “afraid” spelled with two F’s in your news feed, address your letter of complaint to Michelle Dee. Who will write you back within three business days with the one-word response, “Haytchoo” and an ASCII-text middle finger.

ಠ_ಠ

Required Reading: Possession 101

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ERIC DOHMAN — Senior Contributor

Dohman distinguished himself in the WNF group immediately upon being discovered and added by J.Miz. Not everyone knows how to take Eric, and others think he traffics too heavily in dick and poop jokes. To me, Dohman is a solid, insightful, even innovative comic voice on most every topic he touches. High brow, medium brow, low brow and lower brow. Dohman also has graphic skills and has come through with the (still too few) image assignments we’ve given him. “But Andrew,” you say, “I thought you steal all your art straight from Google Image.” Well, that’s mostly true, but we’re gonna lean on Dohman more and more heavily in the very near future. He just doesn’t know it yet.

REQUIRED READING: Santorum Shit Bags

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ANNE GARDNER — Senior Contributor

Anne is a lady whose path I crossed briefly at the age of 18 and reunited with thanks to the magic of Facebook. She’d leave a sarcastic comment here or there on my statuses, and when WNF came into being, I invited her into the group. A.G. has maintained a presence ever since, contributing one-liners to group pieces and writing her own solo articles. And she has an infant at home and everything.

REQUIRED READING: Facebook-Baked Glee

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ERTEL GRAY — Senior Contributor

I found Ertel via Facebook one day while bored and searching for an old Dana Carvey SNL sketch called “Lyle, the Effeminate Heterosexual.” Ertel had posted the video on his wall at some point. I friended him on the basis of that alone, but I had no idea how completely and instantaneously Ertel would fit in with the WNF Crew. Funny dude, Ertel Gray, and I think he knows even more obscure ’80s and ’90s pop culture than even I do.

REQUIRED READING: Reg Strikes Back

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PAUL LAO — Senior Contributor

Paul lives in California, so we almost always publish whatever he sends us.

REQUIRED READING: 9 Demons of the College House Party

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There are a dozen other current contributors I rely on for material. Many of them are Illinois comedians — Andrew Cline, C.J. Dodd, James Draper, Scotty Harris, Ryan Krause, Probably Matt Linville, K.B. Marion, Drift Roberts, Saracakes (who also spent many hours legitimizing WNF’s Twitter feed) and Emily Toops. Another, Lola Tucker, joined our ranks after reading and enjoying the WNF blog.

Two others — Buddah Eskew and Inscrutable JeffRey Trotter — are no longer writing for We’re Not Funny but have some great stuff scattered throughout our archives. I also want to thank Saracakes for her many hours of work editing and posting to our Twitter feed.

I want to thank everyone mentioned above for loaning us some of their time and creativity. And thank YOU for reading.

August 4, 2011

9 Demons of the College House Party

By PAUL LAO and HIS UNFORTUNATE EXPERIENCES
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"If you're white, lemme hear ya say 'HOAHH!'"

At its best, a party contains abundant drink, music, laughter, possibility, magic, literal fire, humor and conversation. But parties are more often destructive than constructive, and they’re like a storm — you can predict the time, the size and the location, but you can’t predict the severity until it’s too late. These are the nine demons of the college party:

1. The Host
You cannot have a parasite without a host. The Host is essentially the brood mother or party summoner. One thing The Host doesn’t have to be is the owner of the location. Simply, The Host is the walking green light that says, “Hey guys, it’s okay! Come over here, and we are going to fuck shit up!” And if The Host is renting the house or apartment, rest assured he doesn’t care about getting his deposit back. The deposit could be his life and that of one innocent person. It doesn’t matter — as soon as he has the keys, they’re both gone. To the party host, a deposit is just the cover charge for some good home demolition.

2. The Libation Peasants
In the old Warcraft game, you have these little peasants who collect resources for your army. They are the work horses who drive the campaign, much like the beer runners at a party. Often, these alcohol hunters will settle for the cheapest and least-passable sensory-dulling libation to pour down the mouths of babes. But, surprisingly, what they lack in beer sense, they make up for in the quality of their hard liquor and weed. Nothing’s quite as strange and glorious as the party combo of Johnny Walker Blue, Arab Diesel Kush and a 30-pack of Natty.

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July 9, 2011

Can I Write My Jokes in Peace?

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Newman and Ms. Swan have a glorious message to share with you, unprompted, in the mall food court.

I was sitting in a comfortable wicker chair at the Irvine Spectrum with my comedy buddy Ryan Papazian. We were working on standup bits at the Red Rock Bar. I was in good company, and the jokes were starting to flow out. We analyzed Ryan’s routine about his problems with girls. Add this. Leave this out. Maybe if you use an act-out or use this type of voice. The beginnings of a productive afternoon were underway. We were sitting in public, though. When you sit in public, people can approach you for absolutely no good reason.

Enter the odd couple. He wore a powder-blue button-down shirt and khakis, and he also looked just like Newman from “Seinfeld.” She looked like a Filipino Ms. Swan (from “MADtv”). They approached us as if they knew us, asking, “So what do you guys think of this May 21st business?”

Oh, the Rapture? That’s nonsense. I don’t care. I am an atheist. That’s what I should have said. Instead, I answered thoroughly and seriously, and so did Ryan. We talked about the mass manipulation and misallocated funds of the Mormon religion and the guilt builders of the Catholic religion. We chastised the Saddleback Church for spending 4 million dollars on a basketball court and Crystal Cathedral Ministries for declaring bankruptcy to the tune of $48 million.

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June 10, 2011

That’s Not Funny…

Print it out and sign it, you unfunny twatwaffle.

… according to PAUL LAO
edited by WOO

[Editors Note: This piece, while containing plenty of humor, is more of an advice column for those striving in the Stand-Up comedy arena. We could all use advise from one who has been around, and we all know Paul Lao has been around!] 


I have been doing stand up for 8 years and I know how to spot a hack, a train wreck, a complete waste of time.  Here is (from my findings) what I consider to make one suck at the hard art:

1. Don’t hate fuck the crowd.
If you think this is going to go well because you shocked the crowd with a raping grandma’s corpse joke while curb stomping a baby, then guess again.  Also don’t talk shit about the venue, the owner, the staff, and the audience.  You are there to make people laugh. At least start with a welcome and a smile before you decide to fist them with no lube.  Wait for them to wrong you then come down on them with furious vengeance.

2. Don’t dress up and make a joke about it.
Resourcefulness is a very admirable attribute when we think of a hero.  And what’s worse than to give him/her a situation that they are completely prepared for?  Diehard would have sucked if John McClane had the Ironman suit.  I have seen guys wear Hawaiian Shirts, 3 piece suits, hats of every genre, t-shirts, props glued to their chest, a doll house on their head, and a guy who slammed his hands on his shorts and popped red fake blood onto the floor.  If you make a joke about a circumstance that you put yourself in you will not get any laughs because the surprise isn’t there.  Or the punch is going to be weak if they see it coming.  Comedy is about misdirection and an awakening of the mind.

Do material about the body you are born with, and how you deal with it.

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May 20, 2011

Dirty Humor

by Paul Lao

Comedy is a lot like magic in the way Alan Moore explains it. The phrase “casting a spell on you,” is a literal meaning. Words in music, words that inspire, words that provoke anger, words that provoke sadness, words that hypnotize, words that are funny, forgotten words, words that build efficiency, words that define other words. If you think about it, there are many genres for the human language. In some cases we use what is called onomatopoeia which is what humans use to describe a sound of an animal or object that can’t be spelled but symbolized. We use imagery to help someone who is listening to visualize something less tangible like the fear of heights or how one copes with being numb from the waist down.

I have studied and dabbled in many aspects of comedy. I have done self deprecating comedy, impressions, story telling, one-liners, misdirection, religious, political, prop, sexual, racial, offensive, themed, low energy, high-energy, physical, satire, improvisational, sketch, mime, and a little bit of roasting. I even wrote a musical.

I have a lot of different friends, who all have different senses of humor that I had to adapt to in order to stay friends with. After a while I may forget their name but I will know to use a pun with those that can appreciate it. Or talk about the latest episode of Entourage and do a quick impression. Or even tell someone who knows my dad an embarrassing story.

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May 12, 2011

Can You Purchase A Bazooka At Walmart?

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS and WOO

At work, I was serving a couple who were curious to know my nationality. They were half-Filipino/half-white, and I was trying to describe to them the general location of Cambodia on a map. So I basically broke down Asia into the big pieces: Mainland China, Japan and Southeast Asia (Vietnam, Laos, Thailand, Cambodia) in relation to the Philippines. I mentioned India, Afghanistan and Pakistan, and they immediately exploded into prejudice comments. (“Damn towelheads! Red dot hodgies!”)

Two weeks after 9/11, when I was in school at IU, a girl from Indonesia was reported to have been punched in the face by a male on campus. She may have been Muslim. But there are over a billion Muslims worldwide who have no ties to Al Queda, just as neo-Nazis and Klansmen who are Christians don’t represent the whole religion or all white people, even though they would certainly like to.

Quick judgments based on profiling frustrate me. We dehumanize foreigners while America’s reputation as a nation of elitists is overshadowed by impatient, fat, lazy, selfish domestic attitudes. As Americans, we are divided on when our nation should go to war. Should we go to war to stop genocide? Should we go to war with Central and/or South American nations because they ship drugs into our country? One definite — we can always wage war in the name of revenge. See: Pearl Harbor and 9/11.

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May 1, 2011

Dicks: A Song About Sausage Fests

Paul Lao is himself a dick.

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

[To the tune of any piece-of-shit song by Papa Roach]

VERSE 1
This place is so great, there is so much beer.
Alright Mikey, we’ll walk around
If you and I split up we’ll cover more ground
In a half an hour we’ll try and meet here
Once we find girls we’ll probably find more beer
Oh, wait a minute, I’ve become out of touch
There’s something amiss, there’s something too much.
A guy over here, a guy over there
OMG, what a nightmare!
I hope this is some kind of trick
’cause I think we are surrounded by DICK.

CHORUS
Dicks! Dicks! Dicks!
I’m sick of looking at pricks
Dicks! Dicks! Dicks!
These are horrible statistics.
You know that there is a confounding factor
One obvious detractor
That that none of us can fix
It’s the incredible population of dicks! Dicks! Dicks!

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April 28, 2011

A Little About Josh Fuller

Mark,

As I write this note, Josh is on the road to recovery, and I unfortunately have not kept in touch with the majority of the Hacienda restaurant community.  But Josh is made from the stuff of legends.  When I met him in the kitchen at Hacienda, we all worked together as grunts doing our part to supply the world with warm garbage burritos, while at the same time keeping the nastiest woman alive at bay. Her first name was Nancy; her last name escapes my memory, but her cackling, emphysema-ridden cough haunts my very soul.

What started as casual Halo playing soon turned into Josh hosting many a drunken festival.  He was the guy who had a party somewhere at his place, and if there already was a party, he was the afterparty, and if there already was an afterparty, then he was up at 6, running and working out.

Josh Fuller was Bill Brasky.

No door can be locked on Josh Fuller.  He will climb a two story house and crack open a window, break down the door with his head, or simply drive his car into it.

If you forget anything in your room in Las Vegas, don’t cancel those plans. Josh will simply run two miles in any direction and be back in five minutes with the desired item.

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