This Week in J.Miz, Volume 18

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

—

J.Miz: Making the seatbelt look sexy since 2011.

• I want my new nickname to be SAUCE! S’up SAUCE? How you livin SAUCE?! You’re looking hot SAUCE!!!!

• Our three cats keep sitting in triangle formation. What’s weirder , them lining up like that or the centaur that always appears in the middle?

• What if it turns out 12/21/12 is actually the day Maya Angelou is supposed to die? Oprah will be PISSED!

• The saying goes, “The best things in life are free.” But so are the worst. Like AIDS.

• I think I was just asked out on a blind date online. But the email was in Braille, so I’m not sure.

• The best thing about bipolar disorder is realizing you don’t need those meds anymore. Because you are FUCKING AWESOME!

• When somebody tells me they suck at life, to the point of several suicide attempts, I feel so bad. That they suck at suicide too.

• I am now at the age where I grunt anytime I have to bend over, not just during sex.

• Some women think they’re cut out for motherhood, but in reality they barely pull off mother trailer park.

• Have you ever heard tribal drums only to realize it’s your ceiling fan? #Reasons INeverTriedAcid

• Thanks to my Advanced Task Manager, I can KILL the Messenger whenever I fucking feel like it!

• I once had an affair with my boss. That was a totally awkward situation. For a family business.

• White chocolate has always irked me. Not only is it gross, it’s kinda racist. Regular chocolate doesn’t remind people it’s brown.

• The upside to being back in the dating game is that I no longer feel that terrible emptiness. In my vagina.

• I think it’s funny when fat people jokingly call themselves fat, so I tell them they’re funny. But I don’t say they’re not fat.

• Just ONCE, during sex, I’d like to be told, “Don’t make me turn this thing around!” And then totally make him.

• I’ve always said that one day I would adopt. I want to show a child that I am capable of great love. Not just kidnapping.

• I lick my phone off to clean it. Don’t get any bright ideas, dirty penises of the world.

• To show support of my boyfriend’s busy career and still being able to spend time together, I’ve been going over to his place. To buy my drugs.

• A slight tweak has my boyfriend and I enjoying simultaneous orgasms. The trick is to totally sync up our cheating.

• The fact that men fake orgasms shouldn’t be surprising. They fake love and monogamy all the time.

• I like my men cocky and my ladies perky.

• Vacuuming is my favorite household chore. I prefer my house pets on the verge of a coronary. They’re cuter like that.

• I’m so hungry I could eat my twin.

• I’ll I’ve had to eat today is candy and bread. I feel like a pigeon.

• My phone treats me like it doesn’t know me. It can always predict me typing YouTube, but never foresees “pussy,” “cunt” or “fuck.”

• If it weren’t for nightmares and the excessive amount of premature stock I place on brand new relationships, I’d NEVER have dreams.

• Toolbar: Any athletics themed, suburban tavern that has a DJ.

• If I rolled around with a jacked, strong, well oiled man for 10 minutes, I’D HAVE to fuck somebody. That’s just logic.

• Thank God you can’t get keyboards pregnant, or I’d have kids ALL OVER the Internet.

• I wonder how many people’s lives have been ruined by the fucks on Yahoo! Answers.

• Men are enigmas, puzzles of sorts. I always pick the complicated ones, with thousands of pieces. And one piece is inevitably missing.

• I have a cheapie lighter that makes me feel like a crack head. I have to keep lighting and lighting and lighting it. Under this foil.

• I love iTunes. It knows all my favourite songs.

• I texted my boyfriend to ask him if he was ignoring me. He didn’t get back to me.

• I’ve decided that I am not going to date anyone SERIOUSLY any time soon. Why start now?!

Shout-Outs

by BRANDON STOKES
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Brandon Stokes

—

• Shout-outs to George Jefferson’s wife AND Lil’ Wayne, for having the same voice but being two completely different Weezys.

• Shout-out to that Lil’ Wayne CD you keep stashed, just in case you have to give your black friend a ride home.

• Shout-out to guys who tell chicks they’ll eat their butts in text messages.

• Shout-out to Southpole and FUBU for keeping wiggas PIMPED OUT LIKE A HOMIE G DAWG!

• Shout-out to every time you want to say, “That shit’s racist!” but you’re not quite sure.

• Shout-out to black people who aren’t afraid of eating fried chicken in front of white people.

• Shout-out to everyone that couldn’t find the pussy from doggystyle when they lost their virginity… or was that just me?

• Shout-out to Flavor Flav for getting famous with Public Enemy instead of just being that one stupid nigga from the news.

• Shout-out to YouTube for letting the closet racists vent.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 17

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

Helen Keller and the Miracle Worker in black used to play a fun game where the Miracle Worker would breathe into Helen's face, and Helen would determine exactly what the Miracle Worker ate for breakfast that morning.

“I ain’t no holla back girl!” -Helen Keller

Awhile back, somebody gave me some Fire & Ice enhancing lube. In those days, we called it “the clap.”

Money can’t buy you love, but you can buy it for yourself.

Every time I type “fucking” into my cellphone, it asks if I mean “sucking.” How THE HELL does it know I’m on my period?

I never trust a guy with a Kings of Leon ringtone.

Some men find me a little too crass. In all honesty, that’s a pretty fair assessment. I expect it. From a pussy.

Opinions are like assholes — sometimes there’s sucking involved.

I LOVE the feel of a warm body next to me as I sleep. But the downside is, it never lasts. They start smelling if you don’t ice them down.

I never trust a guy in a jean shirt.

Glory Hole Bee Gee Hell: A WNF 3-Way

edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Liverpool, 1979: Mama Cass gets down and dirty at the Bee Gee glory hole.

—

JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ
My bedroom window sucks as a glory hole. Nothing glorious about it.

ERTEL GRAY
Oh, the entire concept of a glory hole just… I don’t know if I can place that level of trust in an unseen, anonymous stranger. “Hi… Yep, first time… Anyway, here’s my peen.”

EMILY TOOPS
Agreed. I mean, you gotta be ballsy to use a glory hole.

JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ
But not too ballsy, ’cause balls wont fit thru there.

ERTEL GRAY
My luck, on even my most sexually adventurous of days, I’d wind up on the business end of a scalpel-wielding psychopath known as the Glory Hole Weenis Collector or something. Course, the upside of being a eunuch is, I could always front a Bee Gees tribute band.

JOHNNY RODRIGUEZ
Fuck yeah! I love the Bee Gees!

ERTEL GRAY
How many of them have died? The other two, right? I just heard Robin has some sort of cancer?

EMILY TOOPS
Yeah, I thought two of the three died of cancer. God hated those Brothers Gibb.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 16

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

L to R: Chippy, Chippy, Chippy

—

• Until they tell me otherwise, I will assume that all squirrels are named Chippy.

• I recently started putting baking soda in my cat’s litterbox. But honestly I’m disappointed in the efficacy. He has not made ANY crack.

• If I had a dollar for every time I drunkenly drove to some guy’s for a booty call, I’d be able to pay for all these DUIs.

• If I had a dollar for every time I said, “If I had a dollar…” I’d say nothing but THAT.

• I heard some guy call himself a “recovering alcoholic.” I thought that was a pretty fancy name for what I always called “Sunday.”

• When I get a new haircut, I need to fuck something. That’s just the way it is.

• As I walk to work on this windy Chicago day, I have newfound respect for the salmon.

• Whenever my black friends quote anything, I always incorrectly assume it’s from “The Color Purple,” the Bible or T.I.

Mullets, Fauxhawks and Bieber Lesbians

by KING MAB
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Lesbian hair photo collage assembled by Eric Dohman.

—

Remember when mullets were cool? Some of you might be old enough.There was a narrow window of history where business in the front/party in the back was not only tolerated but venerated. People weren’t making fun of Mel Gibson in the ’80s for his rocking hairstyle, nor were they taking jabs at Bono while he belted out “Sunday Bloody Sunday” while sporting the Camero Crash Helmet. In the ’80s, mullets weren’t a bad thing, they were totally BAD. And even though the poor, ignorant fuckers who purposefully fashion their hair into the Faded Glory are constantly, and rightfully, mocked, it wasn’t always so. Although it really does boggle the mind that hipsters are trying to bring it back — albeit ironically.

Now, you can tell when a popular hairstyle is on its way out when lesbians begin to wear it to identify themselves as lesbians. The same thing is happening right now with the fauxhawk. You can still go to meat-market clubs and bars to find guys sporting that abominable hairstyle, completely ignorant of the fact that the fauxhawk is the mullet of their generation.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 15

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

Being fat on Halloween is an extra-special thing.

• For Halloween, I’m going as a shy, conservative, demure, celibate lady. Now THAT’S a fucking costume!

• Handing out “treats.” My Halloween costume is “The Bad Influence.” I’m giving the kids cigarettes, airplane bottles of booze, and HPV.

• The Jack-O-Lantern started with turnips. Suck on that, Hallmark! I want a damn Turnip-O-Lantern.

• Why do fat women always look so angry? I’d be ECSTATIC if I got to eat that much delicious shit!

• An 80-year-old woman asked me, “How has such a pretty girl like you never been married?” My reply, “Guys only like to FUCK crazy girls, Gramma!”

• If you discover a shortcut and it then replaces your regular route, it’s no longer a shortcut.

• Whenever I masturbate, I have this EXTREMELY detailed fantasy about having sex.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 13

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

J.Miz enjoys her first virtual wine tasting*. (*Not actually J.Miz.)

• Anyone who’s surprised Sarah Palin fucked a black guy OBVIOUSLY never fucked a black guy.

• When a methhead loses a tooth, does the Tooth Fairy put a box of Sudafed under their pillow?

• My boyfriend said that I’m boring in bed. So, being a good girlfriend, I suggested he try waking me up.

• You know the economy is fucked when rappers are rhyming about how much gas they have. Seriously? Chains, diamonds, self-made premium alcohol, clothing line, record company? OUT! Full gas tank? That’s GANGSTER!

• It’s extremely hard to have a committed relationship with a drug addict. Unless you’re his dealer.

• About 10 years ago, I had a miscarriage. And it really gets me down. At tax time.

• I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the afterlife. I like surprises. And sinning.

• They say you can please a woman by watching her please herself. I say just ask my cat. He’s SEEN things.

• Watching a show about a man who knowingly spread HIV. Boy, that takes all the fun out of me “surprise clapping” guys.

• I’ve always wanted to learn how to say, “What?! ARE YOU DEAF?!” in American Sign Language.

• When you realize you HAVE to be up in less than seven hours but SHOULD be up in five, everything you did for the last two hours seems pretty fucking pointless.

• You can tell a lot about a city by its white people in the fall.

• In retrospect, I’m pretty sure the song “I Got 5 On It” was about hand jobs.

• Women count the ways they love you in inches and dollars. #PearlsOfWisdom

• Your probation officer doesn’t appreciate you showing up for drug testing with poppy seed muffins “for everyone!” #SoIveHeard

• I’m such a narcissist, it’s taken me MONTHS to go through my phone and part with all the amazing and supportive texts I have. Sent.

• My boyfriend recently started having faint memories of being sodomized. Being a good girlfriend, I immediately increased his dosage of GHB.

• Anytime I see a crack-addicted couple, it upsets me. Then I smoke some crack. Cuz it must work for them. Modern dating is weird.

• I just got spam for a “virtual wine tasting.” What’s next? An IM blow job?? #IHateTheFuture

• I never trust a grown man who owns more than three track suits.

• Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… that doesnt happen. i just havent reacted yet and probably was never fooled in the first place.

• I hate finding pubic hair on a toilet seat. Not as much as I hate finding a newborn on a toilet seat, but still.

• Polly wanna cracker because that bitch Polly is a fucking racist. #PearlsOfWisdom

• “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” -Coping With ED tips from your friends at Cialis.

• It’s life’s greatest joy to find somebody who just “gets” us. But life’s cruel joke is that it’s never just that simple.

• My boyfriend thinks I’m really into doggystyle, but I’m really not. Into his face. #ClassicJMiz

• I’m so dedicated to being a cougar, I only date guys who get a student discount at the movies.

• Growing up with a dad in entertainment taught me that I NEVER want to be the girl who “blew him when…”

• Even though I taught him to do it, every time my cat says “Mama,” I feel like one of those guys on Maury.

• My boyfriend’s comedy video is popular on YouTube. It has 500 views and 450 likes. Which means out of all those views, only 90 percent were him.

• I sometimes worry my current boyfriend thinks a lot of these jokes are about him. And doesn’t get the hint.

• My cat likes going down the porch steps and scratching the neighbors’ door. I’m checking his pockets for Watchtower pamphlets.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 12

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Coroner?"

• Fuck trial and error! I want trial and success! Like when I’m shopping on sample day, and I get to taste a delicious new bacon or sausage product.

• It’s gotten to the point that, under “marital status,” I write in “I HAVE A CAT.”

• I once fucked a guy with the same name as my dad. It was SO weird hooking up with a guy named Dad.

• My resolution for 2012 is to be wined and dined instead of nickle-and-dimed.

• While impressed with strippers who can” make it clap”, I won’t be totally awed until they can make that shit speak American Sign Language.

• Have you ever just listened carefully, stopped and wondered: WHAT THE FUCK IS R. KELLY TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!

• If I rape a clown, THEN is it funny?

• Sometimes I celebrate my whiteness. Like now. I’m enjoying a Fresca. Immensely.

• “YO MTV VMA’S! IMMA LETCHOO FINISH, BUT….” –Beyonce’s fetus

• I just passed a 13-year-old kid on a bike who was singing “Sweet Caroline.” I hate that fucking kid.

• I just heard that Gary Coleman STILL isn’t buried. I’m CONVINCED it’s because he refuses to go any lower.

• I hate being judged for being in my late 30s and owning a cat. It’s pretty unfair to skip over all my other dysfunctional qualities.

• Screen captchas make me feel like I’m taking a field sobriety test.

• My boyfriend’s idea of romance is holding hands. While I suck his dick.

• Every guy who’s known me intimately has truly loved my insides.

• I just got a piece of my vag caught in my zipper. Thank GOD there’s more where THAT came from.

• Somebody as tall as me just asked me to reach something for them. HOLY FUCK! These pajamas give me SUPER HEIGHT!

• GOD! I sure wish I had some candy right now! #ShitYouDontSayToAGuyWithAVan

• I feel extremely white when I listen to Tom Petty. Even if Lil Wayne drops a remix with him, this will never change.

• When a guy is being creepy to me via the Internet, 9 times out of 10, he’s a foreigner. Good job keeping the sterotypes alive, “buddy.”

• You ever have an uncontrollable urge to fuck one of your friends? Cuz otherwise it’s a waste of all that raw GHB?

• You ever wish you were back in high school? You know, so sex wasn’t so illegal anymore?

• If I had a dollar for every time anyone said, “I didn’t know you were so smart.” Then I’d be rich, and they’d say, “I didn’t know you were so rich.”

• I was excited to get invited to a dating sight for faithful singles. But it was Black People Meet. WIn or loss??? YOU decide!

• I need the hip-hop community to come up with some new synonyms for my fat girl jokes.

• I was always so grateful I wasnt one of those girls whose cousin took them to prom. THANKS Jacob Howell, Christian youth camp counselor!

• Since I’m home alone, I’m eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese. I’m home alone because I sit at home alone eating Cheetos and pepper jack cheese.

• I SWORE I just heard a “house phone” ring in here. Either I’m stroking out, it’s the 80’s, or Jesus is coming.

• I think most guys like dogs better because they know you can’t turn a cat lady into a housewife.

• Legalizing prostitution would NOT increase jobs, it would DECREASE “rental assistance.”

• Whenever my best friend is in a pinch for babysitters, I help by calling around to see who can get there the fastest from Watchtower.

• I’m writing a book on how today’s society stalks above the law. You reading this, retweeting or responding saves me a shit-ton of research.

• Walking home from high school in a Catholic school uniform was OBVIOUSLY a horrible idea. Rape should be more “surprisey.”

• In high school, my nickname was “Hoover.” Don’t go thinking it was code for anything. It just came from me giving a lot of blowjobs.

• I’ve tricked a LOT of guys into giving me oral with a little game I like to call Just The Lip.

• I grew up in a very open family. Or at least that’s how my dad described it to his brother while discussing my mom.

• My black friend laughed at my last name being a Scantron nightmare. But he empathized with the frustration of it just never fitting.

• The minute than men can start paying for pussy, I’m FUCKED.

• I had a HORRIBLE time remembering my ex’s birthday, because I was so busy loving the idea of his death.

• I am EXTREMELY horrible at forgetting I forgave you.

• There is nothing more disappointing than bad sex, aside from the guy NOT crying when you tell him.

• I was asked to bring a headshot to an audition. I’m new to all this, I was a bit hurt they didn’t like the donkey punch porn my ex and I made.

• ‎Every time I go down my stairs, I almost slip and fall on the same step. I’m CONVINCED it’s a ghost. And questioning if it’s that fifth of vodka.

• It’s nights like this I totally understand crack addiction. Sucking dick for a piece of toast with cinnamon sugar sounds fair to me.

• I’m cool with my boyfriend choking me during sex, just not so much when I’m sleeping.

• The good thing about bed bugs is that you ALWAYS have something to snuggle.

• My Pandora station is playing a whole lot of I Was Raped As a Little Boy songs. This makes me REALLY question what my brother’s up to.

• One does not have to be humiliated in order to attain humility.

• My boyfriend takes me to see all the rejumps of the ’80s and ’90s movies. So sex isn’t the ONLY thing I fall asleep in the middle of.

• My boyfriend HATES it when I don’t say I love you. But I totally understand. Because sometimes I hate him.

• People are often amazed that I eat what I want and stay thin. When they ask me my secret, I tell them. LOTS of cardio and vomiting.

• I’m listening to Lil Wayne’s “Gonorrhea” and wondering if he knew how to spell and treat it, not just transmit it.

• The weirdest thing about sleeping alone tonite is that feeling of “HOLY SHIT! I TOTALLY didn’t just fuck somebody!”

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 11

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

• 

  Dead Elvis jokes: Too soon?

  Today marks the 34th anniversary of me still not giving a shit that Elvis died.

• A white kid’s rite of passage from childhood to adulthood, is the first time they say “fuck” to their mom SUCCESSFULLY.

• I broke up with my ex like 3 months ago, and he’s STILL sending me dirty texts! I FINALLY told him, “Dude, if I didn’t cum by now…”

• Glee makes my vagina seal shut.

• Cats are horrible at handshakes and hugs.

• Anytime somebody tells me, “I’ll pray for you!” I think, “OH FUCK! To YOUR God?!”

• I’ve finally had it with guys talking to me like they’re 12. So I just dumped my boyfriend. After I dropped him off at day camp.

• If I had a dollar for everytime I heard “Cherry Pie” last week, I’d be a HORRIBLE stripper.

• I only hook up with guys who are AT LEAST 23. It used to be 25, but I recently had a birthday.

• I miss living alone. And by living alone, I mean masturbating.

• The best thing about quitting drinking was all the free time I suddenly had. To do cocaine.

• I REALLY love cake. And by “cake” I mean “oral.”

• Weaves are now considered fashionable. I doubt white people thought that a few hundred years ago when it was called “scalping.”

• I once broke up with a guy when I discovered he had a small penis. In his mouth.

• Sometimes I worry I’m OCD. Wait… Sometimes I get worried that… FUCK! Wait… I often worry… DAMMIT!

• I’m going to open a cupcake shop and name it Curvez. #FirstOneIsFree

• I believe sex is the HIGHEST expression of love. For sex.

• When ever somebody acts like a bitch to me, I assume she’s in heat. So I hump her leg.

• It’s hard to watch people drink themselves to death. So I do my BEST to encourage them. To drink alone at home.

• I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you. As soon as you start laughing.

• When I attempt to have a conversation with somebody who then has nothing but Bible citations, it reminds me of my mom: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”

• Whenever I watch Unsolved Mysteries, I wonder who the fuck abducts women and children THAT ugly.

• I wish the weather was ALWAYS like this. #WhiteGirlThoughts

• The last time a chick tried to get me to gossip, I IMMEDIATELY walked away. And talked shit about her.

• I like big cocks and I cannot lie. #SirDicksALot

• Love is like laryngitis. They both start with “L.”

• I’ve had boyfriends that I LOVED. And I’ve had boyfriends that I’ve LIKED. More than loneliness.

• Thunderstorms make me wet.

• Jesus may be my co-pilot, but Satan is CLEARLY my navigator.

• “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” –St. Francis of Assisi

• Some people are born who are good at EVERTHING they do. Then there are those who aren’t me.

• You know you live in the hood when the car alarms stay on beat with the radio.

• I never hit snooze because I fear commitment. I prefer that my tardiness be spontaneous.

• People think I commit a lot of sins because I don’t have God. I just know that I don’t want to be an old person who is always cold.

• It’s very difficult to explain why I enjoy being single to people who are in relationships. Especially if they are my boyfriend.

• I’ve always wanted to have children but have never wanted to keep them.

• I HATE hypocrites. That being said, I love you guys.

• What do illiterate people do while they eat their cereal?

• I have often been called a “slut,” but I prefer to think of myself as a “people pleaser.”

• I wish my boyfriend made me want to cum as hard as I want to go.

• Any urban squirrel’s pole work could put even the BEST stripper to shame.

• I only date guys with long hair because I like my boyfriends unemployed or “working in entertainment.”

• I’m either getting a huge zit on my forehead or my skull’s about to release the Kraken.

• Safe words are for pussies and quitters.

• My boyfriend recently started refusing to wear a condom. I sat him down and explained how that makes it unsafe to assume this may be his baby.

• You ever get that “pee your pants” feeling, just following peeing your pants?

• My boyfriend is always encouraging me to try new things. So I did. And he was RIGHT! HIS cock IS bigger than his brother’s.

• I can hear my roommate moaning in the next room. It’s making me EXTREMELY excited. That the cyanide’s FINALLY working.

• I will listen to what you do, not what you say, the moment you get to fucking off.

Hung Over: A WNF Conversation

edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

Some days, WNF staff meetings never get off the ground.

EVE VENTRELLA
Does anyone else get nervous to look at your own comments on Facebook the next morning after drinking?

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I do. Today I’m afraid whatever I say on Facebook will be my last words, cuz I feel like death. I feel redrunk or something.

ERTEL GRAY
I get that, too. Like, say I’m here dickin’ off like usual on FB, then I walk to the store and get hit by a car. Oh great, Ertel’s last words were, “Hey, if a straight man buys a Fleshlight, do lesbians have to buy two of them?”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I drunk dialed someone’s grandma last night and told her I didn’t feel well.

EVE VENTRELLA
Last night my grandma called and said some perv was trying to have phone sex with her.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Well, it wasn’t your grandma. Unless I went on a grandma drunk-dialing binge.

ERTEL GRAY
What is it with grandmas being so paranoid about people trying to sex ’em up? You’d think they’d appreciate the attention, right?

EVE VENTRELLA
My grandma says to “put up or shut up.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Well, I don’t remember much. I think I sent her a picture of my penis or my mangina. I may have tucked it under for her.

EVE VENTRELLA
Is it possible to do the mangina/weiner tuck and the “brain” at the same time?

ERTEL GRAY
Theoretically, the mangina/brain is possible. Depends on which end you’re starting from.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I may have called the police and cussed them out last night.

EVE VENTRELLA
It should be illegal for drunk people to be within three feet of a phone.

ERTEL GRAY
There should be a drunk-dialing app for smartphones that chooses numbers at random. Imagine drunk dialing someone from another country.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Ughhhhhhhhhhhh, the room is spinning.

ERIC DOHMAN
I’m in the same boat right now, Linville. I literally can’t leave bed. Debating whether to piss in this cup.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Just pee on a pile of clothes.

ERTEL GRAY
Oh man, that’s what we call Mid-’50s Rural Kentucky Drunk.

ERIC DOHMAN
Never struggled this much for a morning erection.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
It is possible to rub one out while limp. I did it after a whiskey night. However, it won’t make you feel better.

ERTEL GRAY
‎^Truth right there. I never thought the words “depressing” and “orgasm” could be uttered in the same sentence.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
It was the weirdest thing. The orgasm cameth, and yet I still wanted to die.

ERTEL GRAY
The closest thing I could equate it to would be stumbling on a digital camera with Helen Hunt nudes. You’d be like “Oh man, this… oh shit, it’s Helen Hunt. Who gives a shit if she’s nude?”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m getting depressed just thinking about that. Uh oh, the heartburn is starting. Ugh.

ERIC DOHMAN
I need Wendy’s. Fuck!

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I feel like Stephen Hawking with a broken computer speaking device.

EVE VENTRELLA
I’m sure Mr. Hawking would be flattered.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m drooling just like him right now.

ERIC DOHMAN
He gets laid more.

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
I’m better at planking though.

ERTEL GRAY
Speaking of Hawking, are we 100 percent positive that those are the actual words he’s thinking that come from his SpeechTron 5000? He could be giving some speech on space/time, and in reality, he could be thinking, “I could use a good blowjob right about now.”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Does it just speak what he is thinking? Cuz that really could be embarrassing.

ERTEL GRAY
I could totally see him desperately reaching with his tongue for the volume button whenever he thinks, “Jeez, that woman in the third row has some AMAZING tits!”

PROBABLY MATT LINVILLE
Ohhhhhhh the room is spinning again. Uggggggggggh.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 10

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

—

• 

  Don't let this old dog's air of sophistication fool you -- there's crack-cocaine in that pipe!

  If you walk a mile in a man’s shoes, that’s NOTHING compared to a man walking a mile in my “fuck me pumps.”

• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I have a motherfucking chainsaw.

• As a child, I always wanted a lot of pets. Just not from my uncle.

• All empty relationships can be aided by a full bottle.

• You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but he will VOLUNTARILY do anything you want. Once you get him addicted to crack. #PearlsOfWisdom

• I caught my boyfriend trying to cheat on me with a hooker! I was FURIOUS that’s how he found out about my new job.

• In regard to my sex life, I am a proponent of the “buddy system.”

• When I found out my boyfriend had another girlfriend, I felt REALLY bad. For her.

9 Demons of the College House Party

By PAUL LAO and HIS UNFORTUNATE EXPERIENCES
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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"If you're white, lemme hear ya say 'HOAHH!'"

At its best, a party contains abundant drink, music, laughter, possibility, magic, literal fire, humor and conversation. But parties are more often destructive than constructive, and they’re like a storm — you can predict the time, the size and the location, but you can’t predict the severity until it’s too late. These are the nine demons of the college party:

1. The Host
You cannot have a parasite without a host. The Host is essentially the brood mother or party summoner. One thing The Host doesn’t have to be is the owner of the location. Simply, The Host is the walking green light that says, “Hey guys, it’s okay! Come over here, and we are going to fuck shit up!” And if The Host is renting the house or apartment, rest assured he doesn’t care about getting his deposit back. The deposit could be his life and that of one innocent person. It doesn’t matter — as soon as he has the keys, they’re both gone. To the party host, a deposit is just the cover charge for some good home demolition.

2. The Libation Peasants
In the old Warcraft game, you have these little peasants who collect resources for your army. They are the work horses who drive the campaign, much like the beer runners at a party. Often, these alcohol hunters will settle for the cheapest and least-passable sensory-dulling libation to pour down the mouths of babes. But, surprisingly, what they lack in beer sense, they make up for in the quality of their hard liquor and weed. Nothing’s quite as strange and glorious as the party combo of Johnny Walker Blue, Arab Diesel Kush and a 30-pack of Natty.

Inappropriate Candy Product Names

by WOO and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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• SweetSharts

• Senior Mo’Mints

• 3 Musky Skeeters

• Reese’s Peanut Butter D-Cups: “When you hunger for more than a handful!”

• Charleston Jew

• Razonets: “Sharper than ever!”

• Allmen Joy

• Jelly Beaners: “¡Son tan dulces!”

• Skattles

• ‎Reasonits: “Tofu coated in Kierkegaard”

• Bling Pops

• Mounds Deferens

• Sm’Whores

WNF 101

You've found it! We're Not Funny, a comedy blog written by a group of writers, comedians and friends. We have nearly 300 original comedy posts here. To begin reading and enjoying, click the logo on the top of this page.

So you’re new to reading the WNF website? Or you want to revisit a favorite old  post? Here are a few quick ones to consider:

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WNF Beers

Eight new parody beer labels from the WNF Macrobrewery.

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Catching Up With the Caught

“To Catch a Predator: Where Are They Now? Edition”

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12 Words Come Out of Closet

SOHO, NEW YORK — A dozen English language words, ranging from the commonly used “Under” and “Pitcher” to the more obscure “Catcher” and “Obscure,” stood onstage together at a press conference Monday to announce that they are gay.

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Klan Kalls It Kwits

With membership down, the KKK re-brands its image.

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Cleanup in Aisle 6

Ever view your trip through the supermarket checkout lane as your five minutes to perform for a captive audience of one?

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Paired Facebook Likes

When you click “like” on two different Facebook pages, Facebook runs an announcement on your friends’ newsfeeds, with those items listed as a pair. (EX. Andrew Hicks likes Obesity and Big Macs.”) These are some classic actual examples.

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My 5 Most Abused Forms of Alcohol

WNF co-founder and editor in chief Andrew Hicks, who spent a decade as a monster lush, looks back on his time spent with beer, wine, vodka, whiskey and tequila, in that order.

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Know Your WNFer

Get to know the founders and senior contributors of We’re Not Funny, some of whom are no longer with us. (By which we mean, they left the group. They’re not dead. That we know of.)

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 8

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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J.Miz will watch your brown baby for half-price, but he has to bring his own smokes.

• I’m often told to think before I talk by people who talk.

• I prefer casual sex. Formal sex is way too uptight.

• This 5-year-old kid just offered me a dollar for ONE cigarette. I was speechless when I thought about how DISGUSTING my profitability index was going to be.

• My favorite part of summer is when the stores put their racks outside for sidewalk steals.

• Vegans are incapable of having beef with anyone.

• My second favorite sex position is called the Don’t Be Boring.

• I was going to have a yard sale for some extra cash, but it seemed too much like share cropping.

• I stand up against the ideals of Hitler one hair coloring and spray tan at a time.

• I wish I could remember what my friend said heroin is like. But I was WAY too distracted by the crack I was smoking at the time.

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

• My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.

• Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.

• Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.

• My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”

• I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

• This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.

• Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.

• Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.

• I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.

• If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.

• There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

• I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.

• Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.

• I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.

• I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.

• I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

• At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.

• According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.

• My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.

• My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.

• I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

• I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.

• I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”

• My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.

• A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”

• I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.

• Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?

• I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

• I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.

• The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!

• Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.

• Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

• Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.

• To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.

• Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.

• My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.

• No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.

• My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.

• My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!

Dear 16-Year-Old Self

by ALLISON STEIN and THE WOMEN OF WNF
edited by ANDREW HICKS

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Dear 16-year-old self: You're gonna grow up to be Demi Moore in overalls.

Dear 16-year-old self:

• Your brother’s obsession with hand lotion is NOT because he has dry skin.

• Just because you don’t have boobs yet doesn’t mean that you wont have D’s later on in life. But your boyfriend who told you, in the back seat of his mom’s car, that his small penis is going to “get bigger” when he reaches full-on adulthood… well, that kid is sadly mistaken.

• Penis is nothing to be afraid of. It is to be mastered and conquered, and with that comes immeasurable power.

• Weed isn’t that bad, and your mom will never notice. Just try it.

• You know how you wanted to get your period so you could be a real woman? Yeah, it sucks, don’t it?