Posts tagged ‘Facebook’

December 31, 2011

Broken News | 2011 Year-End Review

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

So, here we are at the end of 2011. It’s been quite the eventful year for news coverage, to be sure. I’ve taken a lot of time off from We’re Not Funny to focus on other things, but when Editor-In-Chief-Comedian-Extraordinaire Andrew J. Hicks threw the idea at me to do a year-end news review… well, it just sounded right. So here you go folks, more of the same old snarky, dry jokes you’re used to from me.

Herman Cain suspends presidential campaign after allegations of marital affair and sexual harassment

Herman Cain is a pimp straight out of the old school. The man gets his whole shit busted for all of his infidelity then has the brassnuts to bow out of the race while blaming it on the media figuring out what a swine he is. That’s right. It’s not his fault he can’t keep his Calzone out of some extramarital Deep Dish, it’s the media to blame for finding the sad Train O’ Whores. That’s gangster, son… gangster.

Rapture predicted for May 21st

Another religious nutjob had an end-time prediction. Not just any prediction, but an exact date. Like a good heathen even I know the bible says not even Jesus knows ‘the day nor the hour’ the Big G will come back, but this guy thought he did. This date, of course, passed by with little incident. Well, unless you count the woman who tried to kill her kids and herself to save them all, or the numerous other folks who sold off all they owned or gave it away. Nevermind all that, though, I’m just happy I get another undefined period of time to jack-off to Emma Watson in the first Harry Potter, err… the last one… the LAST Harry Potter.

Lindsay Lohan spends 5 hours in jail for probation violation

Seriously? This made the top news of 2011? Am I on Candid Camera? OK, listen Two-Thousand Eleven, you and I have to talk. You fucked up, you fucked up real bad and I am not happy at all about it. When I made a wish on January 1, 2011 for a talentless coke-whore to die, and a talented coke-whore to find some rehabilitation, this is not at all what I meant. You mixed that shit all up, 2011. Amy Winehouse was supposed to be the one to find some rehabilitation.

Congress passes deal to raise debt ceiling

All seemed well and rational in congress, at first, until John “DJ Boner” Boehner dropped a beat and shouted out “raise ‘da roof, homeslices.” Add to this Michelle Bachmann’s confusion over the issue and it’s easy to see why this passed:

Casey Anthony found guilty of giving false info to law enforcement

Frankly, this one makes me sick. Not for the reasons you are thinking, though. First of all, how many of you were on the Jury of her trial? Yeah, I thought so… All you heard about for two weeks on Social Media sites was this woman. Y’all don’t know that she did or did not do a thing, so what’s with all the trippin’ over it? Seriously, don’t we all have some bills to pay or a book to read or something? And what makes me even more gut-hurt over this? Immediately after the trial you have porn producers trying to get a contract with her for a movie. I mean seriously? Who the hell wants to watch a porn starring a pretty attractive young woman who claims to have been sexually abused as a child and is a possible child-murderer? Who? Tell me who! Wait… who? Eric Dohman? Oh…

Major protests in Egypt, Libya, Bahrain, Greece, Iran…

The Occupy Movement, the getting-off-of-your-ass-and-doing-something-about-it movement for the video game generations. I stand in solidarity with you guys, but I must say, I think you got it mixed up a bit. I understand the thought of targeting the petty bourgeoisie on Wall Street, where they do little to make lots, I do. However, I don’t think that has the impact you could have had with a little more creativity. Like any good Ayn Rand fanatic, the 1% are completely irrational and must bed their married understudies to… wait… no that’s just Ayn Rand. The point I make here is that we should Occupy them where it hurts. Occupy the Mercedes dealership. The Lear jet manufacturer. Realdoll.com. The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Iraq, Afghanistan, or Palestine… wait, no they already have those occupied.

September 8, 2011

What Does That Euphemism Really Mean?

by CHRISTOPHER WOO

A House Of Ill Repute. When visiting be sure to wear your blue dress, and bring cigars.

Adult Entertainment: The enjoyment parents get at watching their children suffer through life just like they did.

Asleep With Jesus: Literal; You should really keep track of your wife. And the Gardner.

Au Natural: What you get when you forget to put the cheese packet on your Stouffer’s Au Gratin Potatoes.

Bit The Big One: He won’t even return her phone calls.

Bought The Farm: Addicted to Facebook games.

Carnal Knowledge: Intimacy with a carnival worker.

Crossed Over To The Other Side: Fucking swing voters!

Disinformation: What you are reading right now.

Ethnic Cleansing: Equal-opportunity public showers.

Friendly Fire: The kind you camp near, or have a beer around.

Give Up The Ghost: A conversion to atheism.

Hide The Sausage: Literal; Usually it’s still in the refrigerator, just tucked in with the vegetables in the crisper.

House Of Ill Repute: The White House, post-Clinton.

August 26, 2011

From the WNF Macro-brewery…

by ERIC DOHMAN with ANDREW HICKS, EVE VENTRELLA and J.MIZ

You know about our official line of We’re Not Funny T-shirts. Now get crunk WNF-style with our new product roll-out of eight beer brands, ranging in price from “dirt cheap” to “rigoddamdiculous.”

Miller Low Life: The Over-40 40!

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This genie has been stuck in this bottle since 1979.

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Australian For "Irrational Multicultural Adoption Fetish."

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When "The Best" Is Just Too Damn Good...

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Blue Poon: The Perfect Companion For Blue Balls.

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Goes Down Like Milk.

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Isn't it Time For Your Pabst Smear?

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Lance Bass Pale Ale: Lighter Than Loafers!

August 15, 2011

Broken News, August 15, 2011

compiled and edited by WOO

—–

London rioters point to poverty and prejudice

The London rioters have pointed to prejudice and poverty as reasons for their actions. They then laughed maniacally and set more buildings ablaze. We hear the rioters are so pissed they might even set sail for new lands and build their own nation.

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Man Locks Wife in Basement for 8 Years (Keeps Girlfriend Upstairs)

We think of this story as a very sad reality, and yet, a fucking amazing premise for a sitcom. Something along the lines of “Three’s A Crowd.” Every week there would be wacky struggle to keep the women from knowing the other exists. Perhaps a Mr. Furley-type nosy neighbor as well.

—–

Walgreens to sell health insurance

While picking up your cheap vodka and box of condoms, and thinking about the hooker you having waiting out in the car, purchasing a quick HMO or PPO might not be such a bad thing. Although you may be tempted by insignificant health insurance impulse-buy add-ons while you wait to check out. Really, though, Walgreens will be selling insurance? Isn’t that a bit like your heroin dealer opening a rehab?

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Carnage on Wall Street: Dow sinks 634 points as panic rules

We are coming after you, rich swindling-ass muthafuckas! Taking advantage of everyday people’s decency. We will bring you to justice by mob rule. But we have to do the laundry first. Man, does that shit pile up quick.

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Michele Bachmann: What do her favorite books tell us?

She’s from Iowa, is a congresswomen in Minnesota, and one of her favorite books is about how the South was in the right in the Civil War? Keep up the state pride, Michelle.

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Get Your Child to Like Veggies Before Birth

Women who fellated their spouses regularly seemed to produce cock-hungry teenagers. Some connection seems to have been made between the use of plastics in sex toys, and the desire for oily fried foods. Perhaps the consideration of using a cucumber in place of a dildo during pregnancy should be strongly considered, given this new evidence.

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Facebook Tackles IM With ‘Messenger’ App

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Mystery Orange Goo Invades Alaska Village

It would be awesome, since it’s Alaska, if it was just an endless geyser of Orange Julius.

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Contributors: Michelle Dee, Andrew J. Hicks, Eve Ventrella, Eric Dohman, J. Miz, Ertel Gray, Scotty Harris

July 25, 2011

Broken News, July 25, 2011

compiled and edited by WOO

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Amy Winehouse found dead in her London home

Found in the early morning, the person finding her was reportedly calling, “♫ Amy Amy Aaaaamy ♫”, but received no response. The smell of her rapidly decomposing career is said to have led to the discovery. Long known for her usage of cocaine, her last words were reportedly recorded in her home studio as, “♫ They try ta make me go to Rehab, but I said noooo noooo *croak* ♫.” Courtney Love, known for similar habits, tweeted: “Pshh… what an amateur! #Winehouse.”

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These Tongs Are Actually an FDA-Approved Vibrator for Men (NSFW)

Who has an anniversary coming up? We do! We’re wondering if we can get our Salad Tong in CyberSkin, or maybe bedazzled with plastic gems? Have they created DoubleTongs yet? Erm…

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July 11, 2011

Broken News, July 11, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Portugal’s Debt Downgrade: Why Nobody Cares

We support a U.S. government bailout of Iceland but not Portugal. Portugal has never exported any artist with anywhere near the quirky talents of Bjork. And what exactly would you downgrade Portugal to, Kentucky?

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Is there cash in Casey Anthony’s story?

We foresee an episode of Law & Order: SVU with a fictional story that will sound an awful lot like this one.

We hear she already has a book deal, with a working title of If I Did It: I Brought You Into This World And I Can Take You Out Of It.

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Skype And Facebook Get Integrated

Will we have to wear pants now?

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Research find new way to measure penis length

We’re too busy taking hand measurements to comment, but we will say that we’ll no longer be saddened by our stubby fingers.

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Willie Nelson’s weed-related plea deal rejected by a Texas judge

Arresting Willie for weed is like tripping over a fat kid at McDonald’s. Is there no pertinent crime in Texas? Go build your fence, fuckwads. I mean, at this point Willie Nelson is drug paraphernalia!

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Coked Up Florida Man Brandishes ‘Biggest Penis In the World’ To Wide Audience

We’re pretty sure “Wide Audience” is a nice way of saying “Biggest Vagina In the World.” And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

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CONTRIBUTORS: Eric Dohman, Michelle Dee, Eve Ventrella, Woo, Andrew Hicks and Jeff Bailey

June 27, 2011

Broken News, June 26, 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by WOO

Ryan Dunn both drunk and speeding @ time of crash

Film recently obtained from MTV Productions, makers of Jackass, shows Dunn just before entering his vehicle for its fated rendezvous, making the statement, ‎”I’m Ryan Dunn, and this is Fatal Crash.”

What a Jackass…

New Android Phone Works Even After Bathing in Sweat

Finally, a phone women can carry around in nature’s holster, the underboob.

Now nothing has to stop for a text or Facebook status update. People will be swexting — having sloppy, sweaty sex, while also texting their buddies about how awesome or lousy it is. Who are we kidding; is sex ever bad for men?

While unable to reach anyone via phone for comment, we did receive a written statement from Sony Ericcson as follows: “Because Apple and iPhone refused to accept that 77% of their market was sweaty overweight men, we have developed the Xperia to cater exclusively to them. We look forward to shaking their clammy, fat hands.”

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June 15, 2011

Porn Stars Rush To Aid Weiner

by ERTEL GRAY and J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

We feel bad for chicks. Now when they Google "wiener pics," this is what they have to work with.

NEW YORK – Recently disgraced U.S. House Representative Anthony Weiner, deeply embroiled in a recent Twitter/nude penis photo scandal, found unlikely allies among the nation’s top male adult film stars.

“We’re here to lend our support. It’s a shame that our country is so desperate for scandal that we’ve resorted to a modern-day Salem Witch Trial, ” noted James “Buster Banger” Edmunson, 37, star of the Adult Video News Award-winning smut masterpiece The Semen Bitch Trials and 350 other skin flicks.

Martin “Ricky Spankadocious” Francis, 41, is a gay-for-pay adult film star and chairman of the porn industry free-speech activist group Don’t Be A Punk, Show Your Junk. He told WNF reporters he has posted pictures of his penis on various social media websites, including Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, 4Chan, ChatRoulette, eHarmony.com, Google Earth, Craigslist, Bing, AskJeeves and RamenNoodleRecipes.com.

“Chances are if you’ve ever entered the search terms ‘Midget,’ ‘Sex,’ ‘Midget Sex,’ or ‘Choke Me While I Cry And Masturbate On Your Yearbook Photo’ anywhere on the Internet, you’ve seen my work,” said Francis. “I’d place Weiner’s below-waist self-portraits right up there with my finest photography. It would be a shame to silence such a master craftsman.”

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June 13, 2011

Woo’s News, June 13, 2011

by WOO

US Scores Three More Insider-Trading Convictions

There are criminals on Wall Street. Who fucking knew?

Vancouver’s Lapierre finds success to the max after leaving Ducks

Wait… this is about hockey? Can’t seem to give a shit…

Facebook IPO seen moving ahead in first quarter

So a nerd found out how to make money off of people posting status updates every time the weather changes by two degrees, they eat dinner, suffer gastrointestinal issues, or find a Youtube video mildly enjoyable. Just think, everytime you tell us about your second cousin’s graduation, or post a photo of a kitten talking jibberish, it’s worth cold hard cash, to someone else.

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May 13, 2011

From the Mind of J.Miz

Yoko Ono, what HAVEN'T you ruined?

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Chicken-murdering tornados, the Royal Wedding, Bin Laden and Donald Trump. With all the conspiracy theorists out there, why is no one seeing these eerie coincidences and asking, “Where the fuck is Yoko Ono?!”

If you let him, my boyfriend would level the world, start it all over his way, and we’d invent alcohol, Xanax and AA simultaneously.

I had an ex who liked me to say how “big” he was during sex. I had no problem with that until i mistook a polygraph machine for some kinky shit. Grown men crying ain’t a sexy look.

I went on a dinner/first date last week. Even before dessert, he asked me if I wanted kids. I thought, Not till I see you pay our check, buddy! Then I thought, Shit, maybe he’s down for some “practice” tonight. So I answered, “Wow, that’s such a refreshing question to be asked by a guy. Let’s get the bill and discuss this over drinks. Teeheehee!” SUCKER!

My ex-boyfriend called me last night to see if I wanted to fool around. I said, “Isn’t that basically all we did for two years?” He then offered to do oral, and I told him no again. As a last ditch effort, he said he’d do “that thing you like.” I told him, “Fucking other guys? What do you think your call interrupted?!”

My cat Dwight is hating me pretty hard right now, for what he calls Showing Off and what I call Making Myself A Sammich.

I have the volume turned low on the ‘puter and could swear I just heard Robert Smith beautifully sing the word “tits.”

If life was like Facebook, my “single” vagina would “report abuse.”

My ex-boyfriend was really into me staring him in the eyes and giving him handy j’s. It was really uncomfortable to laugh so hard with him gawking at me like that.

The Mother’s Day photo campaign on Facebook is a bit insensitive to people whose moms may have died. It’s more of a smack in the face than Facebook denying the pic of my mom from a porn shoot she did in the ’80s.

The last guy I slept with took so long to finish, by the time he was done, I was already fucking the next guy.

My friend called me today to see how I was. I answered the phone solely so I could make him jealous that I was listening to Hall and Oates.

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May 5, 2011

CONTEST: Be Ertel Gray’s 500th Facebook Friend!

When Ertel Gray accepts a bitch's friend request, bitch betta show some gratitude!

by ERTEL GRAY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Recently, while browsing the cornucopia of addictive wonders known as Facebook, I noticed that I was at 499 friends. I thought to myself, Ertel, ol’ bean, this is your special opportunity to, a) meet a new friend and, b) do something nice for that new friend.

Then I thought, Wait a minute, Bean, you can’t just let anyone receive this honor. Let’s make this into a contest.

And why not? I’m a great Facebook friend: I write funny statuses, I post links and I’m a Gen X pop-culture demon. And here’s what I don’t do: Send you meaningless event notifications every single day or clog up your wall with Farmville and Angry Birds crap. Plus, I’m willing to bet you do not already have a friend named Ertel. Everyone needs an Ertel.

So how do you enter the contest? Simple: send me a friend request. Make sure to temporarily unblock your privacy settings so I can really poke around and get a sense of who you are. Do you like a certain sports team? Do you have too many pets? Is your stepdaughter butt-ass ugly? I want to know before I commit to you.

For extra special consideration, inbox me a message of 50 words or less stating why you should be Ertel Gray’s 500th Facebook friend. Excerpts will be published in our results post next week. Who knows, maybe if you don’t win, we’ll still end up being pen pals.

Think this is all a mental-masturbatory waste of time? You won’t if you win. The grand prize package is absolutely, seriously for real. I’m working on it right now. Here are some highlights:

A Xeroxed picture AND iron-on decal of the Wilford Brimley “Diabeetus” stencil.
–A full-body photo of me, cut out and pasted on cardboard to make a mini Ertel, complete with comic-book dialogue bubbles of my most freqently said things.
–An unpopped bag of Pop Secret Movie Theater popcorn, so you can watch a movie with the “virtual” me.
–A really cheesy (think 3rd grade art project ) crayon drawing of me and my new 500th friend.

And that’s just the beginning. I have an entire week to jam the prize pack full of nonvaluable goodies. These prizes will be mailed to the winner. Trust me, you’ll get some really cool swag!

I should note, contributors to We’re Not Funny are ineligible in this contest, lest the casual reader think it rigged. Also ineligible — all members of the band Kansas, past and present. Sorry, Kansas, you put out an album called Point of Know Return. I know you were trying to be clever, but come on. That’s just bad grammar, man.

So, cast your name into the hat, the empty Sam’s Club mayonnaise jar or waistband of your nearest stripper’s G-string, and do something I guarantee will be a LOT more fun than some stupid Facebook “Which ‘Sex And The City’ Character are you?” survey. (For the record, I’m “Samantha.”)

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Contest ends at midnight, May 13th. View Ertel Gray’s Facebook profile here.]

May 4, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 3

Recently reincarnated as middle-aged Illinois barfly. Yes, gentlemen, she is single.

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

MONDAY

My boyfriend is visiting from New York. He kept emphatically insisting, “You should move, baby! You should move!” Honestly, I was pretty afraid until I realized I was laying on his nuts.

My boyfriend says I’m pretty when I cry. This makes me happy. The rape and domestic violence, not so much.

I’m finally dating an older guy who likes to dance. Unfortunately, in the years I’ve been waiting, there has been an end to the need for glow sticks.

I just had my first argument with my new boyfriend. It was hot and wet. He only needed 28 stitches.

SATURDAY

Looking at a woman. Late 40s/early 50s. Black tank, stretch jeans, white three-quarters blazer, white gym shoes, pork pie hat. Somewhere, Duckie from Pretty in Pink is pissed! And half-naked.

I wonder if anyone ever used multiple personality disorder as a DUI defense: “Officer, only one of us was drunk, and that guy was NOT driving!”

I put effort into what I’m wearing for work. An old dude just said, “I like your overall look!” Then he said, “But I’m a prick, what do I know?!” Fuck your old-saggy-balls compliment, Indian giver!

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April 30, 2011

Facebook modifications needed: J.Miz has spoken!

See these Zuckerbergs? J.Miz did 'em both!

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Facebook is constantly modifying and updating their features, but they never implement the changes that would benefit me the most. Members should be allowed to make suggestions, and here are mine:

  • Have you ever friended somebody, and they have yet to confirm or ignore it, but their posts still show up constantly in your newsfeed? Look buddy, if I’m not good enough for you to pay attention to my friend request, I shouldn’t have to be subjected to your Facebook activity. It’s like an Internet cock tease! I can see all the places you check in, read about your mom’s pap smear and read articles on ED and D&D that you post, but I can’t see your pictures of where you went to college? Get the fuck outta here! ALL OR NOTHING, BABY! ALL.OR.NOTHING!
  • We often “friend” people on Facebook who are famous or, for varying reasons, Facebook famous. Say you comment on a famous person’s thread. You get shit-tons of notifications about the lamewads who also comment, right? All you really care about is who “likes” your comment or responds to it, right? So, the notification should rightfully read, “Dumb and Dumber and 13 other dumb fuck strangers responded after your clever shit.” I don’t for ONE FUCKING SECOND give a shit what those randoms said, nor do I consider that gaggle of muthafucks my “friends.” Help me, Zuckerberg! You’re my only hope!
  • Facebook should add a People I Fucked category under “Relationships.” Then maybe I could find a common ground with some of these bitches. I can name my brothers and sisters, so why can’t I name my Eskimo Brothers. And Eskimo Sisters?
  • Hand in hand with People I Fucked should be a “J.Miz recommends you fuck this person” feature. It’s a useful tool. If it comes “from the desk of J.Miz,” you can guarantee cummage. It’s also a useful tool in not becoming sloppy seconds to the people with Lazarus genitalia that you keep on your friends list out of sheer laziness. The Anti-Follow the Drip campaign.
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April 17, 2011

Who cooks their french fries in gasoline?

by MICHELLE DEE

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN AMERICA GOES TO HELL

  • Electricity is now a rare commodity – A nationwide outcry of “I’M BORED” is eerily heard in the night from America’s unplugged children.
  • The Internet has become even more rare – Tens of millions of Facebook and World of Warcraft addicts now turn to more attainable methadone to dull the effects of withdrawal.
  • Oil production ceases – The streets of America are filled with hilarious sightings of Fat-Former-French-Fry-Eating-Mofos on rusted little bikes.
  • Looting, violence, and protection of life and property are now the norm – Fear of crazy right-wing gun owners reaches an all time high, resulting in extreme hippie liberals becoming sought after with their arsenal of weapons and ammunition to combat this growing threat.
  • The end of digital music creates “The Lost Generation” – These people will be out of the loop with the “new” way of music, as cassettes and CDs make a huge comeback in battery-powered devices.
  • Extreme capitalism takes over – Biff Tannen becomes President.
April 16, 2011

WTF Facebook Friends

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WTF Facebook Friend #1
Thank you, Father God, for all my blessings and being able to see my baby even though my baby mama was trippin. Don’t forget, FB peeps: Ladies Night tonight! All u sexy bitches get in with no cover if you show your titties! Happy fifth birthday, Brianna! Daddy loves you!

WTF Facebook Friend #2
I really need to lose weight. I need motivation!
[NOTE: Friend #2 is checked in at Golden Corral. Alone.]
“Biggest Loser” finale is on tonight! WOOHOO! Note to self: Don’t forget to pick up that sheet cake. Mmm, cake…

WTF Facebook Friend #3
I love my kids sooooo much! Today, my daughter brought home the cutest finger painting! Fuck these kids! All they do is fucking eat, scream and shit!
[NOTE: Friend #2 and her “boo” are currently checked in at Margaritaville.]
W00t! Tequila, bitches! FYI: Amanda’s recital is at 8 am tomorrow. Open seating. Hope u can make it!

WTF Facebook Friend #4
I’m so tired of my stepmom bitching at me for drinking all the orange juice! My name was on it, bitch! 420 = jointnificent! Can somebody drive me to anger management tonight? Why is it I can never hold on to a girlfriend for more than 3 months?

WTF Facebook Friend #5
Why did this happen again? How can you say that? I’m at a loss! Why? When? Where? Who’s responsible for this?!

WTF Facebook Friend #6
Did you see the forecast? o m g! WEATHER! omg omg omg! WEATHER!

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April 14, 2011

This Week in J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

This Magic 8 Ball told Michael Jackson to marry a woman twice.

SATURDAY

Been at the bar for less than an hour. Already got my first walk-by farting. Oy vey, it’s gonna be a looooong night! Fuck you, beer specials! Give that guy’s ass some Binaca!

Magic 8 Ball says, “You’re gonna go get pisto with some Mexicans.” Indeed, Magic 8 Ball, indeed!

I am thankful for civil intellectual debates and for my mom not raising more racists in this asshole world.

I asked God for a new lease on life, but I didn’t pass the credit check.

As I become friends with more comics and writers, we seem to all have cats. I think this is because there’s no tougher customer than a cat. Those pussies don’t laugh for shit!

FRIDAY

Do people actually dish wash their dishwasher-safe sex toys?! “Honey, where’s that Pyrex didlo?” “In the dishwasher next to the sippy cups!”

Even over the ruckus across the hall, where Young Jeezie is obviously performing live, I can still hear the guy next door peeing. Jealous?

I think the neighbors are playing that new game Meth Lab Hero.

I’m always looking to spin and feminize cliche jokes. That being said, who wants to play, Just The Tit?

Botchy circumcision! The writing’s on the ball!

The last time a guy told me he had dick for days, I didn’t see him for like a week.

This is something I can’t stress enough, having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.

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February 7, 2011

You Have 326 Friends And 1 Robot

by J. MIZ

A few weeks back, I had a random chick friend me on Facebook. I don’t know her but probably should. We grew up in the same area and must have traveled in similar social circles. I am basically a Facebook whore now, in order to generate some readers for my blogging ventures. I barely look at my news feed and rarely look at a “friend’s” wall unless I’m on some type of stealth-like stalking mission. However, her updates, activities and likes are so dull I question if she’s truly human or not. Seriously, that kid Kip Drordy, from South Park, who had one friend… this chick makes him look like that Dos Equis Guy. Allow me to provide some examples:

  • I hear my hometown is about to get a big snow storm.
  • I’m at the movies right now.
  • I am watching Spartacus: Gods of the Arena.
  • I am watching Face/Off. (Wait, did I hit some Facebook time travel wormhole?!?!)
  • I am watching Top Chef All-Stars.
  • ~ Likes SIRIUS XM Radio. (Do ya? Do ya like it? Do ya?)
  • I am watching The Social Network. (And OBVIOUSLY living the fucking dream, lady!)

The only reason her friendship is secured with me on Facebook is she has family members that are NOTORIOUS gang bangers back home, and she keeps “LEVELING UP” on Mafia Wars.

February 3, 2011

An Open Letter To An Old A-Hole

Fellow Grocery Store Patrons,

If I have the happy and fortunate position to precede you in line, MY groceries go first, then yours. When I put the plastic divider down, that is your ‘green light’ to unload away, not before. I should not have to stack my bread on top of itself because you’re driven by some unknown urge to unload your cart as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation.

Best,
Anne Gardner

Dear Old Rude Ass Jackass Man At The Grocery Store,

Clearly my previous post regarding grocery store etiquette did not reach you. Probably this has something to do with you not having a Facebook account, or probably even owning a computer.

As previously mentioned, however, MY groceries go first, then yours. Today I even offered for you to go in front of me since you were obviously in a hurry to get through the check out line. And what did you do? You refused, explaining that the cashier was fast and it wouldn’t be necessary. So I said, “yes, she is, but I’m eight months pregnant and not fast.” To which you replied, “Oh, well would you like me to help you unload?” and proceeded to touch my groceries prior to receiving an answer from me! So I hurriedly responded, “No, that’s ok.” But what I was really thinking was, “No. I dont want help unloading. I want you to go in front of me so I don’t have to feel rushed to unload my groceries as I hold my breath bending over the side of my cart with a huge pregnant belly. I want you to get your shopping done without any further interaction with you. And I want you to get your fucking hands off my bread! And really, truly, more than anything, I want to get out of this store with my groceries without getting further harassed, creating a scene, or getting arrested for elder abuse.”

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January 30, 2011

10 Examples of Dad’s Geekiness

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Today starts a weekly We’re Not Funny feature written on a rotating basis by the parents on our writing staff. Join us for safe, family-oriented humor every Sunday, and tell all your friends who are moms and pops. -AH]

by ANDREW HICKS

 

  • Likes to refer to 2-year-old daughter Sarah’s rainbow bib as “Roy G. Bib.”
  • When burping Silas, his 7 month old, will frequently pat his back to drum beat of “Let’s Dance” by David Bowie while singing, “Let’s burp!”
  • Got a good laugh out of a little kid on “Barney” saying, “She’s like a brother to me.”
  • When Silas peed on Dad’s leg while flashing a huge grin, wrote a Facebook status about it on phone before cleaning up.
  • While half-awake, could have sworn Elmo was singing “Skeet skeet skeet skeet” on “Sesame Street.”
  • After breaking ankle on neighbor’s stairs last fall, wanted to purchase said stairs and comically reenact Stephen King‘s practice of buying and destroying the car that hit him in 1999, when he broke every bone in his body. Later found out King didn’t actually do this; he just bought the car and had it junked.
  • When Silas smiles, Dad sometimes calls him “Smiley Silas” because it rhymes with the name of Billy Ray Cyrus‘s uber-famous teenage daughter. Major geek behavior.
  • Occasionally uses the prefix uber-.
  • Upon learning Sarah would automatically laugh when hearing the word “sassy,” Dad tracked down every Phil Hartman quote he could find from 1991 Sassy’s Sassiest Gentlemen” SNL sketch.
  • Now can draw Elmo’s head in seconds with five pen strokes.
  • Built most of this blog posting around months-old material written on a yellow legal pad. (Sorry, this actually belongs in the companion piece “Examples of Dad’s Laziness.”)
January 26, 2011

Pirate Hooker Hysterics

by NATALIE “PIRATE HOOKER” STEINACKER

  • Ever feel like giving someone a love pat? Right on the head, with a 2×4?
  • Nursing Home residents like to blare classical and Johnny Cash, my generation will be blaring Disturbed and Eminem… just saying.
  • You know those signs you see that say “Drive Carefully. We love our children”? Well, DUH!!! You’re not gonna see a sign that says, “Gun it, we’ll make more!”
  • I betcha that in 1910 they thought that a hundred years later, there would be flying cars and robots. But NO, all we have is funny-shaped rubber bands and backwards robes.
  • As the tornado warnings scrolled across the bottom of my TV screen, I noticed the scroll was sponsored by “John Beal, 1-800-NEW-ROOF.” Ironic…
  • While it’s raining today I thought it would be fun to run outside and scream, “It burns!! It burns!!”
  • The kids are currently in the kitchen, training to be Jedis. They said Darth Vader is coming for Christmas, and they need to be ready. I sure hope Santa’s not bringing Darth. What will he do if he doesn’t like the ham I am making? Mind-choke me?
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January 14, 2011

Drift and C.J.: The Early Years, Pt. 2

by DRIFT ROBERTS and C.J. DODD

[EDITOR’S NOTE: The following post was excerpted by myself from comments on a Facebook wall post, in which our protagonists — Drift and C.J. — spontaneously mined their old Xanga and LiveJournal diaries. To read Part 1, click here. –Andrew Hicks]

C.J.:[From 2007]

Don’t you just wanna punch everyone in the face when they ask,
“You’re sick? How’d you get sick?”
OH I DUNNO BITCH, MAYBE SOME MICROSCOPIC SHIT HAPPENED THAT I WASN’T AWARE OF?

DRIFT: [Online survey question and response.]

Ever… Get drunk? Never, and never will.

HAHAHAHAHA.

Sex on the first date? NO

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Fag.

Ever looked a porn online? Yes, I used to all the time… I’m ashamed of it now…

HAHAHAHAHA.

CJ.: HAHAHAHAAHA

C.J.: Tuesday, June 19th, 2007

So, apparently I’m considered an adult now. Cuz I have a “job.” And am “over 18.” And “have 4 children on child support with their whore of a mother.”
And yet you’ll more than likely find me on Glen Oak Playground past 9:00 pm, sitting, chatting with friends or playing tag.
Growing up? It’s just a passing trend.
Maturity? A concept. A laughable one at that.
Dead baby jokes? Yep, still funny.

DRIFT: You there is where I’m at now. Fucking creepy.

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December 31, 2010

2010: Year in Review

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY

Pop a bottle of champagne. Shoot a gun in the air. Enjoy the lousy, unseasonably warm Smarch weather. And look back with us on 2010 in the news, entertainment and sports.

The BP Oil Spill catapulted almost five million barrels of oil into the Persian Gulf. The images were haunting and made us want to drink more black coffee. Since the oil spill, we at WNF stopped meticulously separating our recycling. Everything goes straight into the landfill now. At 162,000 barrels spilled per day, we figured there was no number of empty aluminum cans of Diet Ruby Red Squirt we could recycle to make up for it. It is our policy at WNF, when presented with a seemingly insurmountable challenge, to give up immediately.

The BP oil rig explosion that led to the spill happened on 4/20. It is purely coincidental that WNF senior staff was vacationing in Louisiana at the time and bragging to all our new Creole friends about the “giant underwater bong” we were going to “go put a torch to.”

Republicans took back a number of seats in the midterm elections. Christine O’Donnell insisted she was not a witch. We insisted, “It’d be a lot cooler if you were.”

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December 31, 2010

New Year’s Resolutions 2011

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY

  • Take down all those David Cassidy posters. But not the Hasselhoffs.
  • Enjoy life and appreciate all the beauty nature has to offer by staying inside and watching “National Geographic” specials.
  • Stop calling every ape we see on Animal Planet “Snooki.”
  • Donate more money toward research into curing the world’s most serious diseases – AIDS, cancer and Bieber fever.
  • Go back in time to the 1995 Grammy Awards, when Michael Bolton’s “Said I Loved You… But I Lied” was nominated for Best Male Performance. Present award, announcing “The winner is… Michael Bolton!” When he comes up to the stage and reaches for his award, take it back, telling him, “Said you won… but I lied.”
  • Help O.J. find the “real killers.”
  • Acknowledge that Pin the Tail on the Donkey is not a bedroom game. And apologize for calling our wife a donkey.
December 26, 2010

Facebook Withdrawal

by Woo

I recently decided to take a week off of Facebook. Sometimes you just get so used to things that they don’t offer you the same high anymore. I think there’s some science behind that, but I’m no Botanist.

This is my Diary of A Week With Facebook Withdrawal:

Day 1. Hard not to think about the Facebook. I look at the calouses on my fingers from so much Facebook over the years. I feel regret for these scars, but I know if I could just get a hit of Facebook I would no longer care.

Day 2. Rocking back and forth in my chair, with knees tucked to chest. My every thought and conversation are chronoligical, from bottom to top. My soul is leaving hurtful comments on my heart. “Give up you loser, you need a hit of Facebook. 4 minutes ago.”

Day 3. Restless, and still reeling from the addiction. Everywhere I look, the TV, other websites, the sandwich I made for lunch, I want to find a “Like” to click.

I’ve developed a case of priapism. I knew this could happen with withdrawl, but who ever heard of a 9 hour boner for laying off the Facebook? Worse yet, since my dick isn’t actually on my friends list, I feel it would be dirty to have relations with it.

Day 4. I can’t stop scratching all over. It feels like my blood is itching. I’ve broken the skin in so many places, but no relief. Not even drinking an entire bottle of Calimine Lotion helped.

Day 5. The itching is gone. Humor is coming back to me. I can’t manage to actually laugh though. When something strikes me, all I can do is utter, “L.O.L.” and “L.M.A.O.”

Day 6. Offered the neighbor fellatio for 5 minutes on his computer with Facebook. I never thought my life would be this way. In my youth I swore I’d never do the hard stuff. Never be an addict. Now here I am, trying to wash the cock taste out of my mouth with White Vinegar, Windex, and MySpace.

Day 7. Waking up with nightmares and nightsweats. When I try to talk, I can say what I want, but whoever I am talking to doesn’t hear it. I figured out it’s because it was never commented. I wrote “Comment” on my left nipple, and as long as I tap that after a statement I can make conversation. It’s all very Tourette’s.

Now that the week has passed, I’ve run a Facebook spike directly into my left arm. It flows right into my veins, giving me highs with renewed vigor. My digital god, i’ll never again forsake you!

December 3, 2010

(No)vember

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY

Oftentimes one of the core writers here at WNF will create a Facebook status built around a cheap wordplay joke. Then the rest of us chime in, and all of a sudden we’re at 300 comments, all trafficking in the same wordplay digression. The results range from “hilarious” to “dull pile of aardvark vomit.” We’ll leave it up to our readers to decide which extreme is represented here.

The theme for this particular session of wordplay was “November.” Ready to read it? Click the images in order BELOW-vember.