Archive for April, 2011

April 30, 2011

Facebook modifications needed: J.Miz has spoken!

See these Zuckerbergs? J.Miz did 'em both!

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Facebook is constantly modifying and updating their features, but they never implement the changes that would benefit me the most. Members should be allowed to make suggestions, and here are mine:

  • Have you ever friended somebody, and they have yet to confirm or ignore it, but their posts still show up constantly in your newsfeed? Look buddy, if I’m not good enough for you to pay attention to my friend request, I shouldn’t have to be subjected to your Facebook activity. It’s like an Internet cock tease! I can see all the places you check in, read about your mom’s pap smear and read articles on ED and D&D that you post, but I can’t see your pictures of where you went to college? Get the fuck outta here! ALL OR NOTHING, BABY! ALL.OR.NOTHING!
  • We often “friend” people on Facebook who are famous or, for varying reasons, Facebook famous. Say you comment on a famous person’s thread. You get shit-tons of notifications about the lamewads who also comment, right? All you really care about is who “likes” your comment or responds to it, right? So, the notification should rightfully read, “Dumb and Dumber and 13 other dumb fuck strangers responded after your clever shit.” I don’t for ONE FUCKING SECOND give a shit what those randoms said, nor do I consider that gaggle of muthafucks my “friends.” Help me, Zuckerberg! You’re my only hope!
  • Facebook should add a People I Fucked category under “Relationships.” Then maybe I could find a common ground with some of these bitches. I can name my brothers and sisters, so why can’t I name my Eskimo Brothers. And Eskimo Sisters?
  • Hand in hand with People I Fucked should be a “J.Miz recommends you fuck this person” feature. It’s a useful tool. If it comes “from the desk of J.Miz,” you can guarantee cummage. It’s also a useful tool in not becoming sloppy seconds to the people with Lazarus genitalia that you keep on your friends list out of sheer laziness. The Anti-Follow the Drip campaign.
    read more »

April 29, 2011

3DSC, Day 13: Song you naively put on a mix tape thinking it was a panty dropper

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 13: SONG YOU NAIVELY PUT ON A MIX TAPE THINKING IT WAS A PANTY DROPPER

Samwell: sexual chocolate consuming sexual chocolate.

J.MIZ
Guys: “Me So Horny,” 2 Live Crew will always work on me. End of story.

ANDY HUBER
Thong Song” worked for me, but when I asked where she got her Coleman panties from, she told me the camping section at Wal-Mart. I also once put “Closer” by NIN on as foreplay, but the girl got mad when I misunderstood the chorus and brought out a labrador.

ANDREW HICKS
“I want this enormous dog to feel you from the inside.”

J.MIZ
I threw on In the Butt” by Samwell cuz I wanted a guy to hit the backdoor, but that was before I knew his past history of being anally raped in prison. Shoulda known something was up when he disappeared into the shower, crying and comfort rocking for three hours.

ANDREW HICKS
I used to think “Gett Off” by Prince would have the magic effect on a lady, but it’s too much work to stop and think about those dumbass lyrics. “So Prince has a friend named Vanessa Bett? I’ve never heard of anyone with the last name Bett. I think he just needed a word to rhyme with wet. How fucking elementary. And I’m supposed to get turned on that Vanessa Bett had a fantasy about ‘a little box with a mirror and a tongue inside’? Is this ‘box’ as in ‘vagina’? Or an actual box with a mirror and tongue? Is the mirror there so the tongue can groom itself? Does the tongue lick the mirror and THAT’S sexy? Does the tongue have nostrils and is snorting coke off the mirror?” And at that point, I’m just like, “Okay, let me drive you home now.”

read more »

April 28, 2011

A Little About Josh Fuller

Mark,

As I write this note, Josh is on the road to recovery, and I unfortunately have not kept in touch with the majority of the Hacienda restaurant community.  But Josh is made from the stuff of legends.  When I met him in the kitchen at Hacienda, we all worked together as grunts doing our part to supply the world with warm garbage burritos, while at the same time keeping the nastiest woman alive at bay. Her first name was Nancy; her last name escapes my memory, but her cackling, emphysema-ridden cough haunts my very soul.

What started as casual Halo playing soon turned into Josh hosting many a drunken festival.  He was the guy who had a party somewhere at his place, and if there already was a party, he was the afterparty, and if there already was an afterparty, then he was up at 6, running and working out.

Josh Fuller was Bill Brasky.

No door can be locked on Josh Fuller.  He will climb a two story house and crack open a window, break down the door with his head, or simply drive his car into it.

If you forget anything in your room in Las Vegas, don’t cancel those plans. Josh will simply run two miles in any direction and be back in five minutes with the desired item.

read more »

April 27, 2011

How Not To Internet Date, 27 April 2011

By MICHELLE DEE

Being a girl on a social networking site, you learn really fast that you are a target for losers looking for a booty call. This is the case no matter your relationship status. I found so much humor in this, I decided to create a singles profile on a dating website just to bait suckers like the one below. Please, enjoy the outcome!

Commentary Provided by Michelle Dee

iwish: nice pic

Michelle Dee: Thanks you too

*typical to start out with a cheesy compliment but still well within the normal range*

iwish: so I’m curious have you had any luck yet on here?

*Now lets ask about previous encounters, like that should be any of your business or have any bearing on anything we may have together*

Michelle Dee: Nope… you?

iwish: nope not at all but sure do wish i had some company right about now thats for sure. so what are you up to. notice you put some new pics up. so what are you exactly looking for what i mean is are you on here to chat to talk to hook up what

*In reference to a picture of a female angler fish I put on my profile. Clearly this must contain some hidden message about what I’m looking for?*

Michelle Dee: To meet people and see where it goes.

read more »

April 26, 2011

Parkquest

by ANDREW HICKS

For the past two years — during that six-month window where the Midwest is pleasant and habitable — I’ve been on a quest to find the best park to take my kids to. I have a 2 1/2-year-old girl and 10-month-old boy, and we’ve made the rounds. Here are the pros and cons of what we’ve found so far.

Douglas Park. Not pictured: Gay stuff.

BAPTIST CHURCH PLAYGROUND
PROS: Easy 10-minute walk from home; adjacent to high school athletic fields; my daughter Sarah is big enough to use all the play equipment; Sarah often has chances to play with one or two neighborhood kids her age or older.
CONS: Now that she’s been to bigger/better parks, Sarah gets bored with this one within 15 minutes; even the neighborhood parents who bring their own beer are douchebags; rubber tire shreds blanketing the ground always find their way into my kid’s diaper.

DOUGLAS PARK
PROS: Lots of trees and hills; frisbee golf course ensures you can take the kids out for a good time and buy yourself a recreational dimebag all in the same trip, if that’s your thing; there’s also a performance stage, which Sarah and I love to hang out on; right across the street from a plasma center, so you can teach your child early about inequality between classes in America.
CONS: After several visits, I started to notice men would pull into the parking lot by themselves, sit in their cars and wait for other men to pull into the parking lot by themselves, then they’d talk amongst themselves for a minute and caravan together out of the park. On one visit, a perv van pulled into the lot, opened its passenger side door and started blasting a Josh Groban dance mix. The music motivated three separate dudes to climb into the van, one by one. If George Michael visited Springfield, Illinois, you can bet he’d be hanging out the Douglas Park men’s room.

read more »

April 25, 2011

APPocalypse Now

by PAUL LAO
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Separate issue: Does the easy availability of stock photographs from Google Image create laziness and unoriginality?

Imagine this scene — a family, all with individual gadgets, is at the dinner table. The father has the paper, the mother is looking at a television in the living room, the son is playing a Nintendo DS, and the daughter is texting her best friend. Lines are drawn, and as their heads move, the lines follow. No one is making eye contact.

And then something horrifying happens: a baby cries, and the mother nonchalantly walks into the bedroom where Shrek is rolling end credits, picks the baby up and brings little Timothy into the kitchen. She totally forgot him!

This is a nuclear family’s by-numbers delusional progress via “family time.” A boy who sleeps for 16 hours a day, never has had a girlfriend and never leaves the house. A girl who misses her soulmate because she is too busy texting her best friend about how horrible her day was, complaining that no one pays attention to her. A father who has had the same an office job for 17 years and never gotten a promotion because of his fear of responsibility. And a mother who does the bare minimum of parenting because her mother took care of the first two while she was in high school.

People, this is one of my greatest fears. We have reached an age in which iPhone applications fill the void of life but consume our ability to imagine.

read more »

April 24, 2011

The Truth

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Sharpton, perpetually frustrated by his lack of handjob-giving.

    Contrary to popular thought, scrambled eggs isn’t a sammich.

  • Barbara Bush did not “invent” oatmeal.
  • Al Sharpton never gave Al Gore a hand job, and Dick Gregory didn’t film it.
  • There IS an “I” in “team.”
  • Glenn Beck only wears biodegradable American-made cotton. That was picked by Eli Whitney himself.
  • There was no World War II, and if there was, the Jews started it.
  • Mexican people invented Taco Bell as an ongoing joke on white people.
  • Gay people really just want to be black.
  • Charlie Sheen is the new David Koresh.
  • Children love rape. And porn.
  • A government cannot shut down unless it is the Christian Sabbath.
  • Earth girls are not easy.
  • Did Elizabeth Taylor die? Whose pants am I wearing?
  • Serial killers make the best clowns. And stew.
  • Jesus was not a relocated-to-Florida Mexican.
  • Ellen DeGeneres is fucking the hottest bitch alive, as we speak.
  • NASCAR is OCD.
  • E.T. was a retard, otherwise he would have invented a phone.
  • There is no such thing as a Jedi.
  • Larry King is fucking Hugh Hefner, as we speak.
  • White people love disco.
  • My mom is my dad, and my dad is my sister.
  • Black men cannot jump, but they love honeydew.
  • The last time I ate cake, it came from a urinal.
  • George W. Bush was not a crook!
  • While in office, President Obama needs to get sucked off by a chubby white girl.
  • There is no Luke, and if there was, James Earl Jones wouldn’t be his father.
April 23, 2011

Simple English

by WOO

  • Shouldn’t words look more like what they are? Shouldn’t Mirror be MirrororriM?
  • “I” before “E” except aft… No! FUCK YOU!
  • What do you have to do to make the sound “onomatopoeia”?
  • I don’t use no double negatives just for the attention.
  • There are English words meant to confuse because they’re all alike in their sound.
  • If you have more sense than a gnat, you would know when to use then.
  • If I see another person refer to multiple homicides as a “cereal” killing I am going to serially rape them in the earhole.
  • You cannot graduate an entity. You graduate FROM it. The same goes for released. You don’t graduate college, and you don’t get released prison. You graduate from college, and are released from prison.
April 22, 2011

Adventures in Open Mic, Volume 1

by ANDREW HICKS

STARDATE: Tuesday, April 19, 2011
VENUE: Funny Bone Westport, St. Louis

I can fade this shit in five minutes flat.

Tonight was the first in what should become a weekly tradition now that I’m back in St. Louis — open mic night at Funny Bone Westport. More than 30 comics showed up, and only 16 were picked to perform. I was one of them, and I’m pretty sure it was only because I wrote on the sign-up sheet that I had two to four friends coming to see me. It’s good to have friends.

The open mic comedians are corralled into the corner balcony. If you want to sit at a table with your buddies, you become a paying customer. No employee pricing on drinks, and the two-drink minimum applies. Now, I quit drinking six months ago, and I wasn’t keen on the idea of paying three bucks for a 16-ounce off-brand bottle of water or a 10-ounce mug of Coke filled to the top with ice. So I went the O’Doul’s route.

Drank up my two bottles of nonalcoholic brew and felt a little bit loopy for a few minutes afterward. It gave me the idea to play a sadistic trick on my wife — drink a six-pack of O’Doul’s, come home, kiss her on the mouth and pretend to be half-drunk, then burst into phony tears because I took a tumble from the wagon. That is, if I didn’t get pulled over on the way home and flunk a sobriety test due to sheer lack of coordination. (“Step out of the car, Beer Breath.”)

As the show’s starting each week, the FBW people post a roster of which open mic comics have been picked to perform and in what order. I was listed 14th, third to last. Open mic people get four minutes onstage. Throughout the show, sprinkled between every three or four comics, they bring professional comedians up, and it seems like they’re allowed to perform for up to eight minutes.

Not sure if it was intentional on FBW’s part, but the funniest open mic comedians went up first. Then there was a stretch of four or five in a row who sucked. Not helping matters at all was a table of four seated just off stage left. Two girls, two guys and probably 32 cocktails between them. They talked loudly amongst themselves and heckled the comedians.

I haven’t yet had to deal with being heckled — hell, at open mic at Donnie B’s in Springfield, no one can even sit close enough to the stage for the comedians to hear them — but five or six different comics told these people to shut the fuck up, in those words, and were completely ineffective at accomplishing the task. A bouncer finally went over to the table and talked his bouncer talk, and they still wouldn’t shut up.

To make matters worse, these guys heckled the funny comedians and left the sucky ones alone. I was praying for their noisy-ass intervention when a 50-year-old weirdo who’d never set foot onstage was in the middle of reciting his two-minute poem about a Boy Scout with a tick on the head of his penis.

read more »

April 21, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 2

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Which one's the creepy one? We're still not sure.

TUESDAY

There are ten Christmas Peanut M&Ms resting peacefully on a ledge inside the trash chute door. I’m soooooo tempted… *crunch crunch crunch*

For 2 seconds, I thought I was Facebook friends with the creepy uncle from “Full House.” Turns out its just a guy from high school. And no, I did NOT go to Montesorri Statutory Rape Academy.

Tonight, I felt compeled by my heritage to cook in the style of my families’ homelands. The downside is I singlehandedly made my entire floor smell like an eastern European fart.

I’m standing in my kitchen, with a 15-year-old Mighty Ducks sweatshirt on, no pants, one sock, chopping green onions for my dinner. Happy wet dream, people.

MONDAY

When I got home last night, thanks to my new Rastafarian neighbor who has rappist shows on the weekends, the whole floor smelled like weed. I said, “Holy marijuana, Batman!” but not like the old TV show. More in a Malibu Barbie kinda way. I want to meet him and mysteriously call him MB. Because fucking with stoners is my passion.

I was going back through my Facebook newsfeed when it hit me — I honestly don’t give a flying fuck what ANYONE does before noon.

I am a man trapped in a lesbian’s body. That man REALLY hates eating pussy.

As a reward for not populating the earth with EVEN MORE FUCKING PEOPLE, women of a certain age should be graced with the gift of lactating the alcoholic beverage of their desire.

While working as a cocktail waitress, “just the tip” is a lifestyle.

SUNDAY

I’ve never heard my cat Dwight fart. Maybe that’s why he’s always so pissed.

Do you think when I’m not home, Dwight puts on my pannies and plays Fancy Lady Tea Party?

I am so super thirsty, you woulda swore i was just moggin’ on a salt lick or something. Sheesh.

“WTF kinda chicken is this? Tell me, bitch! Tell me! What makes you think I’d eat this trailer park shit?! Look at me, bitch! Answer me!!” -Dwight’s reaction to cream of mushroom chicken

read more »

April 20, 2011

Show Me Your String: A WNF rap anthem

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS (sorry, mom)

[Track built around a sample of Nena’s “99 Red Balloons”]

LIL DICK:
I saw this one bitch with a shine in her eye
I said, “Fuck me bitch, or I’m gonna make you cry”
She said, “I can’t do it, as much as I want,
“Sorry Cat Daddy, it’s my time of the month”
I called that bitch lyin’, and she started up and cryin’
I said, “Then prove that thing! Bitch, show me your string!”

CHORUS:
Show me your string
Show me your string
Show me your string
Bitch, show me your string

OSTEOFEROCIOUS:
Babysitter shows up and it’s time to go clubbin’
But before I leave I’m gonna need some clit rubbin’
I offer her an extra twenty bucks to do me right
But she looks sheepish, and she says, “Not tonight”
I said, “I’ll make it 40, baby, let’s get it on ”
She said, “Uh uh, mister man, I got this tampon”
Now I’m holdin’ my cock over this nowhere fling
Thought I had it made until she showed me her string

CHORUS:
Show me your string
Show me your string
Show me your string
Show me your string
(WAILING R+B CHICK: Shoooooowww meeeeeeeee)
Show me your string
Show me your string
Show me your string
Bitch, show me your string
(WAILING R+B CHICK: Yoooooooooo striiiiiiiiiiing)

read more »

April 19, 2011

51 rejected rapper names

by BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Not Buddah

Not to be outdone by Woo’s post “50 dance songs that are euphemisms for masturbation,” I have compiled a list of 51 rejected rapper names. These are coulda-been MC names for Buddah the rapper. Debut CD title with songlist to follow. A poll was conducted by Buddah’s crack staff (by that, I mean my staff is on crack) of homeless men, hookers, third-shift grocery store stockers, albino midgets, neighborhood cats and Al Gore. He invented the Internet, ya know.

51. Neosporin

52. Yobama

9. Vanilla Extract

43. Teriyaki Daddy

45. Gabe Vigoda

44. Booger Flicka

32. Bazooka Jo Jo

48. Busta Braids

12. Dicktabulous

33. $1.25

11. Pop-Tart

22. The Antichrist

23. Black Guy Pee

24. Tea Baggy

25. Chicken Gumbo

26. Chips-N-Salsa

27. Antacid

28. Cocoa Puff Daddy

29. Geritol

30. Sit-N-Spin

31. Cow Tippa

7.  Pall Mall

21. Butt Crustacious

50. Hevee Ekwipmint

read more »

April 18, 2011

50 dance songs whose titles double as euphemisms for masturbation

by WOO

  1. Get It on the Floor – DMX
  2. Rock the Bells – LL Cool J
  3. U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
  4. Party Starter – Will Smith
  5. The Real Slim Shady – Eminem
  6. Pump It – Black Eyed Peas
  7. Crank That – Soulja Boy
  8. Rock Your Body – Justin Timberlake
  9. Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’ – Michael Jackson
  10. Breathe, Stretch, Shake – Mase
  11. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It – Will Smith
  12. Let’s Get It Started – Black Eyed Peas
  13. Whoomp! There It Is – Tag Team
  14. Good Vibrations – Marky Mark and The Funky Bunch feat. Loleatta Holloway
  15. Get Ready For This – 2 Unlimited
  16. Here Comes the Hotstepper – Ini Kamoze
  17. C’mon ‘N Ride It (The Train) – Quad City DJs
  18. I Like To Move It – Real 2 Real feat. The Mad Stuntman
  19. Touch Me (All Night Long) – Cathy Dennis
  20. Rhythm of the Night – Corona
    read more »

April 17, 2011

Who cooks their french fries in gasoline?

by MICHELLE DEE

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN AMERICA GOES TO HELL

  • Electricity is now a rare commodity – A nationwide outcry of “I’M BORED” is eerily heard in the night from America’s unplugged children.
  • The Internet has become even more rare – Tens of millions of Facebook and World of Warcraft addicts now turn to more attainable methadone to dull the effects of withdrawal.
  • Oil production ceases – The streets of America are filled with hilarious sightings of Fat-Former-French-Fry-Eating-Mofos on rusted little bikes.
  • Looting, violence, and protection of life and property are now the norm – Fear of crazy right-wing gun owners reaches an all time high, resulting in extreme hippie liberals becoming sought after with their arsenal of weapons and ammunition to combat this growing threat.
  • The end of digital music creates “The Lost Generation” – These people will be out of the loop with the “new” way of music, as cassettes and CDs make a huge comeback in battery-powered devices.
  • Extreme capitalism takes over – Biff Tannen becomes President.
April 16, 2011

WTF Facebook Friends

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

WTF Facebook Friend #1
Thank you, Father God, for all my blessings and being able to see my baby even though my baby mama was trippin. Don’t forget, FB peeps: Ladies Night tonight! All u sexy bitches get in with no cover if you show your titties! Happy fifth birthday, Brianna! Daddy loves you!

WTF Facebook Friend #2
I really need to lose weight. I need motivation!
[NOTE: Friend #2 is checked in at Golden Corral. Alone.]
“Biggest Loser” finale is on tonight! WOOHOO! Note to self: Don’t forget to pick up that sheet cake. Mmm, cake…

WTF Facebook Friend #3
I love my kids sooooo much! Today, my daughter brought home the cutest finger painting! Fuck these kids! All they do is fucking eat, scream and shit!
[NOTE: Friend #2 and her “boo” are currently checked in at Margaritaville.]
W00t! Tequila, bitches! FYI: Amanda’s recital is at 8 am tomorrow. Open seating. Hope u can make it!

WTF Facebook Friend #4
I’m so tired of my stepmom bitching at me for drinking all the orange juice! My name was on it, bitch! 420 = jointnificent! Can somebody drive me to anger management tonight? Why is it I can never hold on to a girlfriend for more than 3 months?

WTF Facebook Friend #5
Why did this happen again? How can you say that? I’m at a loss! Why? When? Where? Who’s responsible for this?!

WTF Facebook Friend #6
Did you see the forecast? o m g! WEATHER! omg omg omg! WEATHER!

read more »

April 15, 2011

The Streak

by ALI STEIN
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Last time, we got lost...

As I sit here typing, I should be packing for my business trip this weekend. I leave for Dallas, Texas, tonight for a four-day jewelry seminar/training marathon. It’s a break from the everyday stuff in my life, which is great, but it also kinda sucks because we’re driving there. Eight women, two vehicles, 10+ hours. Yay. Not.

I don’t mind being on the road, but the crowded vehicles and lack of sleep are already getting to me. I am not a happy person when I am sleep-deprived. I love my sleep, and when I am tired, little things that normally wouldn’t get to me, will completely piss me off. For example:

SCENARIO A (Well-rested Natalie):

PASSENGER: Hey, Pirate Hooker! We blew a tire! What are we going to do?

ME: Oh, that’s okay, I have a AAA card. We can call the tow truck, and let’s sing some songs while we wait. Tee hee.

Scenario B (When I have NOT had some sleep):

PASSENGER: Hey, Pirate Hooker! We blew a tire! What are we going to do?

ME: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?! ITS NOT MY DAMN CAR! ASK ME ANOTHER FUCKING QUESTION, AND I WILL MAKE LIGHTNING RAIN FROM THE SKY, ZAPPING YOUR ASS INTO THE FIFTH DIMENSION, WHERE THEY WILL USE YOUR SKIN AS COATS FOR THEIR CHILDREN AND ROAST THE MEAT OFF YOUR BONES TO FEED THEIR DOGS! IT PUTS THE LOTION ON!

It’s always a good thing to let me sleep. Unfortunately, I can already tell that, on this trip, some people are going to make it really hard for me to maintain my Never Killed A Bitch streak.

April 14, 2011

This Week in J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

This Magic 8 Ball told Michael Jackson to marry a woman twice.

SATURDAY

Been at the bar for less than an hour. Already got my first walk-by farting. Oy vey, it’s gonna be a looooong night! Fuck you, beer specials! Give that guy’s ass some Binaca!

Magic 8 Ball says, “You’re gonna go get pisto with some Mexicans.” Indeed, Magic 8 Ball, indeed!

I am thankful for civil intellectual debates and for my mom not raising more racists in this asshole world.

I asked God for a new lease on life, but I didn’t pass the credit check.

As I become friends with more comics and writers, we seem to all have cats. I think this is because there’s no tougher customer than a cat. Those pussies don’t laugh for shit!

FRIDAY

Do people actually dish wash their dishwasher-safe sex toys?! “Honey, where’s that Pyrex didlo?” “In the dishwasher next to the sippy cups!”

Even over the ruckus across the hall, where Young Jeezie is obviously performing live, I can still hear the guy next door peeing. Jealous?

I think the neighbors are playing that new game Meth Lab Hero.

I’m always looking to spin and feminize cliche jokes. That being said, who wants to play, Just The Tit?

Botchy circumcision! The writing’s on the ball!

The last time a guy told me he had dick for days, I didn’t see him for like a week.

This is something I can’t stress enough, having been fucked is no excuse for being fucked up.

read more »

April 13, 2011

3DSC, Day 12: Song you just like because of the video

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 12: SONG YOU JUST LIKE BECAUSE OF THE VIDEO

J.MIZ

When asked about being so close to a vicious, deadly creature, the snake said Britney was cool, but that song she did called "Lucky" was a piece of crap.

Oh Baby Baby” and “I’m a Slave 4 U” by Miss Britney. Who says chicks can’t have school girl and snake fantasies?! And she danced her white girl booty off. I loved “Slave” on MTV and in the club, but neither got put on a J.Miz mix tape of any sort.

ANDREW HICKS
I put “Slave” on a mix CD. And I don’t think I would have paid attention to any Britney Spears song if not for the videos. Except “Toxic.” “Toxic” is pure pop genius.

J.MIZ
She’s sexy when she’s not banging K-Fed or batshit.

ANDREW HICKS
At first, I thought you meant when Britney’s not banging K-Fed or banging batshit.

J.MIZ
I’m pretty over “Thriller,” but that’s by far one of the best videos ever made ever ever.

ANDREW HICKS
I’m pretty over YouTube videos of flash mobs imitating the “Thriller” graveyard dance sequence.

J.MIZ
I like the pseudo-lesbianism of Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler in the AerosmithCrazy” video, but the meter of that song gets my goat. (What am I, 80 now? Gets my goat? WTF.) Not to hate on Aerosmith and get simultaneously jooked by Buddah, but that’s my least favorite song of theirs. The bitches be banging though.

read more »

April 11, 2011

3DSC, Day 11: Favorite song with accompanying dance

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 11: FAVORITE SONG WITH ACCOMPANYING DANCE (e.g. “The Twist,” “Humpty Dance,” “Teach Me How To Dougie”)

This guy has his name across the lenses of his sunglasses. That's a little absurd, if you ask us.

J.MIZ
I’m actually a good dancer, but I’m old now, so I dont practice the hip dances to nail it at the club anymore. Last summer, though, my cousin got married, and who knew that the trifecta of weed, Bud Light draft and a party dress would cause me to know every damn lick of Soulja Boy Crank Dat“?

ANDREW HICKS
I confess major guilty fondness for “Mambo No. 5,” but I’m not aware of any particular dance being attached to it. There’s regular mambo, of course. But I’ve never heard of a dance utilizing the numbers 2, 3, 4, 5 or beyond.

J.MIZ
I love that “Down down, do your dance / Walk it by yourself, now walk by yourself” by Cupid. I feel so G-fab cuz I totally can follow orders barked at me by a silky-smooth brown-skinned brotha. White people have line dancing… FAIL.

TRACY SAINDON
They played “Cupid Shuffle” at a mother/son dance I went to. The one black mom and I were the only ones dancing.

SARACAKES
I have to admit I can’t do the Electric Slide to save my life, but I love to pretend that it’s the first time I’m learning the dance every time I’m at a wedding reception.

J.MIZ
We gots to up your dance game. You white girls need some serious dance lessons, at least for weddings. Funny thing is, at weddings, my mom and I play a game called Dance Off-Beat because it’s so hard for us. And I didn’t have a lesson past age 7. I need to empower my bitches!

read more »

April 7, 2011

3DSC, Day 10: Favorite song whitey took over from people of color

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by J.MIZ

WNF 30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE
DAY 10: FAVORITE SONG WHITEY TOOK OVER FROM PEOPLE OF COLOR

Rihanna launched her own line of umbrellas, on sale at Macys. For real.

J.MIZ
I still love every single cover of the song “Umbrella” by Rihanna, written by Ne-Yo. (Do I get bonus points because its a twofer nab?)

TRACY SAINDON
White Lines,” Duran Duran.

ANDREW HICKS
That song belongs to the white man outright. It’s about coke, the Caucasianest drug this side of crystal meth.

TRACY SAINDON
How bout Cee-Lo‘s “Forget You” done by Gwyneth?

ANDREW HICKS
I love Bob Marley, but I think Clapton did a better “I Shot the Sheriff.”

TRACY SAINDON
Ah, Marley… so definitely “Waiting in Vain” by Annie Lennox.

J.MIZ
Annie Lennox = albino. Tracy wins everything. Ain’t nobody more of a whitey than good ole Annie Lennox.

ANDREW HICKS
Annie also fathered more children than Marley.

J.MIZ
There was a country cover of Tony Rich‘s “Nobody Knows” that I actually enjoyed. Meaning, I didn’t want to deafen myself with pinking shears while it was on. But like “Umbrella,” a good song’s a good song.

ANDREW HICKS
I’ve heard that Tony Rich meets Big and Rich shit. It wasn’t bad. I also kinda like John Michael Montgomery‘s version of “I Swear.”

J.MIZ
Wasn’t “I Swear” the Backstreet Boys? Not the Black, Street Boys…

ANDREW HICKS
It was All-4-One. There were at least two black guys and a brown guy in that group. Damn.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
I’ll come up with something funny, but the White Stripes pull off an epic cover of Robert Johnson’s “Stop Breaking Down.”

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Jeff never came back to us with anything funny for this topic.]

J.MIZ
There’s this French chick, Madeleine Peyroux, who’s a jazz singer. The first three times I heard her, I thought it was some Billie Holiday I’d never heard, and I’ve been a fan since I was 12. If a white girl can issue G passes, she gets one from me. Hopefully, the Gs will honor it.

MICHELLE DEE
Conversely, we should do Favorite Song Puffy Ripped Off (“IT’S THE REMIX!”).

J.MIZ
Harry Connick, Jr. pulls off a lot of old jazz. And the pannies of many, many white bitches. I feel like that “sexual chocolate” scene in Coming To America (“Dat boy is GOOD!”).

read more »