Posts tagged ‘Barbie’

July 22, 2011

Toy News

edited by ANDREW HICKS

creatively conceived by JAMES DRAPER


  • Fans shocked when Slinky comes out of closet totally straight
  • World Champion Memory player loses game somewhere in house
  • Panel of small children judges box “better than the toy” for 97th-straight year
  • GI Joe takes advantage of DADT repeal, says he’s now free to be himself on front lines
  • Mr. Potato Head’s parts stolen; crestfallen kids’ toy left with blank look on face
  • Weeble shot in ass, wobbles, falls down
  • Teddy Ruxpin confirms worst suspicions, slaughters family while singing happy songs
  • Big Wheel has tires chewed up by neighborhood dog, develops traction
  • Red Rider production line halted after child shoots eye out with BB gun
  • Legos Eggo’d
  • Slip ‘n Slide launches “Lay Down ‘n Nap” toy for elderly
  • Thomas the Tank: “I’ve always dealt with body image issues”
June 14, 2011

When I Was A Kid In The 80’s…

edited by WOO and ANDREW HICKS

Wait, that's not a box of Chicken McNuggets, it's a crazy Transformer hanging out in a fake styrofoam box!

There were no gender-specific McDonald’s Happy Meal toys back in the day. Boy or girl, you got the same toy, like it or not. They were shitty, and they got exactly one play session — during the ride home — before being sentenced to life imprisonment in the toy box. Now kids get Barbie dolls and Littlest Pet Shop (“That’s who!”) figurines. I’m talking the real toys.  Lucky kids. Of course, these children are fatter, slower and weaker now than we were, but whatever. I still feel ripped off.

There were TWO different brown M&M’s during my childhood. A light brown and a dark brown. Someone must’ve misheard the acronym for the colors of the rainbow — “Broy G. Biv,” or some shit. The company finally realized brown was one color and killed the lighter-skinned M&M, but I wonder what kind of personality the light brown M&M would’ve had if it’d survived to be a part of the current ad campaign. Like the green one’s all sexy, the yellow one’s a fatass with a comb-over, the red one is gay… what would the light brown one have been like? Social reject? Awkward jokester? Corner pouter at the cocktail party? Or would he just get pulled over by cops all the time because he’s BROWN?

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May 23, 2011

Strange Encounters Of The Aldi Kind

by Anne Gardner

Over my years of shopping at Aldi, I have had a wealth of experiences – bizarre, random and some even downright offensive.  I’ve seen the schizophrenic shufflers muttering to themselves as they push their carts down the aisle, the ghetto fab beggars wanting me to trade cash for food stamps, the produce fondlers who reach into my cart and squish my bread and handle my broccoli, the rushed retirees who can’t wait to hog the conveyor belt for their canned stew and bananas so they can get home in time for their stories, and, most recently, the baby entertainers, who touch my child’s face and make faces of their own to greet my son.  None of it has stopped me from going, though.  The patrons may be strange, but I can’t resist spending a third of what I would spend elsewhere on my groceries.  Sure, the store feels a little third-world, you have a limited selection of goods, and you feel like you might need a hot bath when you’re finished, but the savings are worth it.

So, this morning after I finished my decaf, I took my weekly trip to Aldi.  And, this morning, as luck would have it, when I was getting out of my car, someone was finishing with their cart.  I love when that happens; it makes life with a 13+ pound baby and baby carrier that much easier.  So, I offered her a nice shiny quarter in exchange for the cart (at Aldi, you rent your cart for a quarter and have to take your cart back to the store front before you leave to get your quarter back – sort of genius, actually), I unloaded my son in his car seat from the car and strolled toward the front of the store.

As I was walking in, an elderly couple was exiting, and they had in their cart a huge, 2 gallon, potted banana pepper plant full of peppers that were just swaying in the breeze.  I love it.  Not only does Aldi bring me my dairy, bread and coffee at profoundly discounted prices, but they take all the work out of gardening for me, too.

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