Archive for ‘Compilation’

January 6, 2012

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 18

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

J.Miz: Making the seatbelt look sexy since 2011.

  • I want my new nickname to be SAUCE! S’up SAUCE? How you livin SAUCE?! You’re looking hot SAUCE!!!!
  • Our three cats keep sitting in triangle formation. What’s weirder , them lining up like that or the centaur that always appears in the middle?
  • What if it turns out 12/21/12 is actually the day Maya Angelou is supposed to die? Oprah will be PISSED!
  • The saying goes, “The best things in life are free.” But so are the worst. Like AIDS.
  • I think I was just asked out on a blind date online. But the email was in Braille, so I’m not sure.
  • The best thing about bipolar disorder is realizing you don’t need those meds anymore. Because you are FUCKING AWESOME!
  • When somebody tells me they suck at life, to the point of several suicide attempts, I feel so bad. That they suck at suicide too.
  • I am now at the age where I grunt anytime I have to bend over, not just during sex.
  • Some women think they’re cut out for motherhood, but in reality they barely pull off mother trailer park.
  • Have you ever heard tribal drums only to realize it’s your ceiling fan? #Reasons INeverTriedAcid
  • Thanks to my Advanced Task Manager, I can KILL the Messenger whenever I fucking feel like it!
  • I once had an affair with my boss. That was a totally awkward situation. For a family business.
  • White chocolate has always irked me. Not only is it gross, it’s kinda racist. Regular chocolate doesn’t remind people it’s brown.
  • The upside to being back in the dating game is that I no longer feel that terrible emptiness. In my vagina.
  • I think it’s funny when fat people jokingly call themselves fat, so I tell them they’re funny. But I don’t say they’re not fat.
  • Just ONCE, during sex, I’d like to be told, “Don’t make me turn this thing around!” And then totally make him.
  • I’ve always said that one day I would adopt. I want to show a child that I am capable of great love. Not just kidnapping.
  • I lick my phone off to clean it. Don’t get any bright ideas, dirty penises of the world.
  • To show support of my boyfriend’s busy career and still being able to spend time together, I’ve been going over to his place. To buy my drugs.
  • A slight tweak has my boyfriend and I enjoying simultaneous orgasms. The trick is to totally sync up our cheating.
  • The fact that men fake orgasms shouldn’t be surprising. They fake love and monogamy all the time.
  • I like my men cocky and my ladies perky.
  • Vacuuming is my favorite household chore. I prefer my house pets on the verge of a coronary. They’re cuter like that.
  • I’m so hungry I could eat my twin.
  • I’ll I’ve had to eat today is candy and bread. I feel like a pigeon.
  • My phone treats me like it doesn’t know me. It can always predict me typing YouTube, but never foresees “pussy,” “cunt” or “fuck.”
  • If it weren’t for nightmares and the excessive amount of premature stock I place on brand new relationships, I’d NEVER have dreams.
  • Toolbar: Any athletics themed, suburban tavern that has a DJ.
  • If I rolled around with a jacked, strong, well oiled man for 10 minutes, I’D HAVE to fuck somebody. That’s just logic.
  • Thank God you can’t get keyboards pregnant, or I’d have kids ALL OVER the Internet.
  • I wonder how many people’s lives have been ruined by the fucks on Yahoo! Answers.
  • Men are enigmas, puzzles of sorts. I always pick the complicated ones, with thousands of pieces. And one piece is inevitably missing.
  • I have a cheapie lighter that makes me feel like a crack head. I have to keep lighting and lighting and lighting it. Under this foil.
  • I love iTunes. It knows all my favourite songs.
  • I texted my boyfriend to ask him if he was ignoring me. He didn’t get back to me.
  • I’ve decided that I am not going to date anyone SERIOUSLY any time soon. Why start now?!
December 21, 2011

Shout-Outs

by BRANDON STOKES
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

Brandon Stokes

  • Shout-outs to George Jefferson’s wife AND Lil’ Wayne, for having the same voice but being two completely different Weezys.
  • Shout-out to that Lil’ Wayne CD you keep stashed, just in case you have to give your black friend a ride home.
  • Shout-out to guys who tell chicks they’ll eat their butts in text messages.
  • Shout-out to Southpole and FUBU for keeping wiggas PIMPED OUT LIKE A HOMIE G DAWG!
  • Shout-out to every time you want to say, “That shit’s racist!” but you’re not quite sure.
  • Shout-out to black people who aren’t afraid of eating fried chicken in front of white people.
  • Shout-out to everyone that couldn’t find the pussy from doggystyle when they lost their virginity… or was that just me?
  • Shout-out to Flavor Flav for getting famous with Public Enemy instead of just being that one stupid nigga from the news.
  • Shout-out to YouTube for letting the closet racists vent.
    read more »

December 20, 2011

We ‘Bout To Get Kim Jong Ill

Kim Jong swills.

Before his death, the North Korean dictator merchandised the crap out of his likeness rights… KIM JONG SHILL.

Roasted dog-meat burgers are on the Dollar Menu at KIM JONG GRILL.

That little guy sure had a high voice… KIM JONG SHRILL.

Dude had a sex change 30 years ago that was somehow hidden from mass media… KIM JONG JILL.

North Korea should construct a protected landscape using Kim Jong’s figure as inspiration. Enjoy your kimshe on the grassy tummy area of KIM JONG HILL.

Or in Summer 2012: Take the kids for a spin on the new Wackadoodle Minicoaster at KIM JONGVILLE.

Care for fresh pepper on your Korean food? Ask the waiter to grind his KIM JONG MILL.

For being a totalitarian, he had little power in the bedroom — he could only manage the KIM JONG TIP DRILL.

Every time he ejaculated, it was a KIM JONG SPILL.

His hoarding habits will make for a lengthy read of the KIM JONG WILL.

Did he drown? Because I don’t think he was KIM JONG GILL.

read more »

December 19, 2011

Kim Jong Dead

edited by ANDREW HICKS

Once he'd stared into his right hand for an hour or so without blinking, Kim Jong's hand would turn into Satan and give him relationship advice.

AMANDA DOPPLER
Who the fuck is Kim Jong Il, and why is he dead?!

ERTEL GRAY
Kim Jong Il dead? Man, and I thought he was just ill. Turns out I was dead Jong.

JEFF BAILEY
Kim Jong, are you serious?! This is seriously fucking my fantasy dictator team. It’s the playoffs!

ERIC DOHMAN
Weekend at Kim Jong’s. Now THAT would be funny.

read more »

December 9, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 17

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Helen Keller and the Miracle Worker in black used to play a fun game where the Miracle Worker would breathe into Helen's face, and Helen would determine exactly what the Miracle Worker ate for breakfast that morning.

“I ain’t no holla back girl!” -Helen Keller

Awhile back, somebody gave me some Fire & Ice enhancing lube. In those days, we called it “the clap.”

Money can’t buy you love, but you can buy it for yourself.

Every time I type “fucking” into my cellphone, it asks if I mean “sucking.” How THE HELL does it know I’m on my period?

I never trust a guy with a Kings of Leon ringtone.

Some men find me a little too crass. In all honesty, that’s a pretty fair assessment. I expect it. From a pussy.

Opinions are like assholes — sometimes there’s sucking involved.

I LOVE the feel of a warm body next to me as I sleep. But the downside is, it never lasts. They start smelling if you don’t ice them down.

I never trust a guy in a jean shirt.

read more »

November 28, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 16

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

L to R: Chippy, Chippy, Chippy

  • Until they tell me otherwise, I will assume that all squirrels are named Chippy.
  • I recently started putting baking soda in my cat’s litterbox. But honestly I’m disappointed in the efficacy. He has not made ANY crack.
  • If I had a dollar for every time I drunkenly drove to some guy’s for a booty call, I’d be able to pay for all these DUIs.
  • If I had a dollar for every time I said, “If I had a dollar…” I’d say nothing but THAT.
  • I heard some guy call himself a “recovering alcoholic.” I thought that was a pretty fancy name for what I always called “Sunday.”
  • When I get a new haircut, I need to fuck something. That’s just the way it is.
  • As I walk to work on this windy Chicago day, I have newfound respect for the salmon.
  • Whenever my black friends quote anything, I always incorrectly assume it’s from “The Color Purple,” the Bible or T.I.
    read more »

October 21, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 14

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Donkey Kong wizard Billy Mitchell can grab J.Miz's bananas anytime, or roll barrels at J.Miz, or climb ladders, or whatever the hell you did in Donkey Kong.

  • Integrity is SO important to me, I refuse to make exceptions. Well, I make an exception for one thing and one thing only: double standards.
  • As I am reconnecting with my Catholic roots, I won’t be dressed as a typical slut for Halloween. Instead, I’m going as an altar boy.
  • Creative people with high IQs are often told that they’re insane and need meds. I think we just need better doctors.
  • Even as a young girl, I knew I could do WHATEVER I put my mouth to.
  • I think the kids on the short bus had it all figured out. I bet THEY never had to write a term paper on The Taming of the Shrew.
  • It’s totally bonkers when I’m out with my boyfriend, and I decide to duck into a bathroom and have spontaneous sex, and then he walks in on it.
  • Jesus loves you more when you keep it real.
  • I hate men who play games. Except for Billy Mitchell. I fucking LOVE him!
  • The bathroom in this Argentinian grill is so dark, I’m not sure if I sat on a toilet or a glory hole.
  • My dentist told me I wasn’t flossing enough, so I bought dubs. He thought I was retarded! But it turns out I’m racist. Because he’s black.
  • J.Miz doesn’t care about bitch-ass people.
  • Jesus made me miss the early train today so I could ride the one with the HOT-ASS conductor. #WearingSkirtOnTheVibratingMetraRailFTW #Ahhhhhhhhhhh
  • Though life is full of scary people, I do not fear necrophiliacs.
  • Dear Suburbs: Yeah. We’re done. kthxbai
  • I was just given the day off at the last minute. My afternoon will now be filled with naps and grilled cheeses. Oh yes, my friends. o.h.y.e.s.
  • My comforter brings all the kittehs to the bed. And they’re like, “It’s betta than yours!”
  • Watched a YouTube video posted by user “golum0734.” I bet THAT guy gets SHIT-TONS of pussy.
  • I prefer that my sleep be man-made.
  • It seems like the day after I have sex, I’m COVERED in bruises. But I think my boyfriend said it best: “Well then stop fighting back, bitch!”
  • In which religious text and on what day did God say, “Let there be religion”? And was that before or after the dinosaurs were on the ark?
  • Here’s a bit of an unknown fact: cats.love.ham. And BOY do they HATE rape!
  • I wish anxiety would manifest in ways other than panic attacks. For instance, an urge to start a freestyle rap battle. That way you’d stave off the attack AND get mad street cred.
  • You’re NEVER too old for sprinkles.
  • Dear Coworker With The Shit Attitude, Like You Hate Your Job: I know about a dozen-plus people who would love ANY JOB! Maybe our boss keeps me working a lot a shifts because I’m a pleasant person who contributes, smiles and acts as if I’m not a miserable fuck. He tells me when to come here, and I come. You’re the ONLY reason your shifts are cut or you get stuck on bitch duty. Buck up, man. You’re only fucking yourself. KTHXBAI

EDITOR’S NOTE: J.Miz has been with WNF since Day One, and we think she’s damn hilarious. Do yourself a favor and follow @JMiz8 on Twitter. –AH

September 20, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 13

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz enjoys her first virtual wine tasting*. (*Not actually J.Miz.)

  • Anyone who’s surprised Sarah Palin fucked a black guy OBVIOUSLY never fucked a black guy.
  • When a methhead loses a tooth, does the Tooth Fairy put a box of Sudafed under their pillow?
  • My boyfriend said that I’m boring in bed. So, being a good girlfriend, I suggested he try waking me up.
  • You know the economy is fucked when rappers are rhyming about how much gas they have. Seriously? Chains, diamonds, self-made premium alcohol, clothing line, record company? OUT! Full gas tank? That’s GANGSTER!
  • It’s extremely hard to have a committed relationship with a drug addict. Unless you’re his dealer.
  • About 10 years ago, I had a miscarriage. And it really gets me down. At tax time.
  • I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about the afterlife. I like surprises. And sinning.
  • They say you can please a woman by watching her please herself. I say just ask my cat. He’s SEEN things.
  • Watching a show about a man who knowingly spread HIV. Boy, that takes all the fun out of me “surprise clapping” guys.
  • I’ve always wanted to learn how to say, “What?! ARE YOU DEAF?!” in American Sign Language.
  • When you realize you HAVE to be up in less than seven hours but SHOULD be up in five, everything you did for the last two hours seems pretty fucking pointless.
  • You can tell a lot about a city by its white people in the fall.
  • In retrospect, I’m pretty sure the song “I Got 5 On It” was about hand jobs.
  • Women count the ways they love you in inches and dollars. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • Your probation officer doesn’t appreciate you showing up for drug testing with poppy seed muffins “for everyone!” #SoIveHeard
  • I’m such a narcissist, it’s taken me MONTHS to go through my phone and part with all the amazing and supportive texts I have. Sent.
  • My boyfriend recently started having faint memories of being sodomized. Being a good girlfriend, I immediately increased his dosage of GHB.
  • Anytime I see a crack-addicted couple, it upsets me. Then I smoke some crack. Cuz it must work for them. Modern dating is weird.
  • I just got spam for a “virtual wine tasting.” What’s next? An IM blow job?? #IHateTheFuture
  • I never trust a grown man who owns more than three track suits.
  • Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… that doesnt happen. i just havent reacted yet and probably was never fooled in the first place.
  • I hate finding pubic hair on a toilet seat. Not as much as I hate finding a newborn on a toilet seat, but still.
  • Polly wanna cracker because that bitch Polly is a fucking racist. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • “You can’t love anyone until you love yourself.” -Coping With ED tips from your friends at Cialis.
  • It’s life’s greatest joy to find somebody who just “gets” us. But life’s cruel joke is that it’s never just that simple.
  • My boyfriend thinks I’m really into doggystyle, but I’m really not. Into his face. #ClassicJMiz
  • I’m so dedicated to being a cougar, I only date guys who get a student discount at the movies.
  • Growing up with a dad in entertainment taught me that I NEVER want to be the girl who “blew him when…”
  • Even though I taught him to do it, every time my cat says “Mama,” I feel like one of those guys on Maury.
  • My boyfriend’s comedy video is popular on YouTube. It has 500 views and 450 likes. Which means out of all those views, only 90 percent were him.
  • I sometimes worry my current boyfriend thinks a lot of these jokes are about him. And doesn’t get the hint.
  • My cat likes going down the porch steps and scratching the neighbors’ door. I’m checking his pockets for Watchtower pamphlets.
September 17, 2011

Facebook “Likes”

ACTUAL FACEBOOK PAGE PAIRS “LIKED” BY WNF CONTRIBUTORS*
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

  • Amanda Doppler likes God and Whores.
  • Andrew J Hicks likes Stalking and Restraining Orders.
  • T. Allan Christopher likes Feminism and Strippers.
  • Vickie Sauseda likes Eating Cat Food and Alzhiemer’s Awareness.
  • Andrew J. Hicks likes Prince and Androgyny.
  • Eve Ventrella likes Unsafe Sex and World AIDS Day.
  • T. Allan Christopher likes We’re Not Funny and Dane Cook.
  • Eric Dohman likes Spiderman and Arachnophobia.
  • Eve Ventrella likes Sylar and Are You Prone To Masturbate or Addicted To Masturbating?
  • C.J. Dodd likes Trying New Things and Gays Should Marry!
    [MICHELLE DEE: C.J. isn’t playing by the rules. When I go on his FB page, I just see “C.J. Dodd likes The Lion King.”
    C.J. DODD: C.J. Dodd likes Punching Women In The Face and Michelle Dee Playing Her Cards Right Or Else.”]
  • Eric Dohman likes Boats and Hoes.
  • C.J. Dodd likes Jesus and Premarital Sex That Ends Up In A Bastard Child But We Can’t Abort It Because That’s Against Our Religion And Oh God Why Am I So Lonely And Using Hypothetical Likes To Express What’s Really Going On In My Life To A Bunch Of Pseudo-Comedians Fuck It Suicide Is The Only Recourse.
  • Michelle Dee likes Gamers and Abstinence.
  • Eric Dohman likes Anal Beads and Rosary.
  • T. Allan Christopher likes Midgets and Velcro.
  • Eric Dohman likes Airplanes and Arabs.
  • T. Allan Christopher likes Vans and Candy.
  • Andrew J Hicks likes Down Syndrome and Lead Poisoning.
  • C.J. Dodd likes Shitting Into Elongated Cunts and Good Manners.

*Mostly. Some are made up and don’t actually exist.

August 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 11

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Dead Elvis jokes: Too soon?

    Today marks the 34th anniversary of me still not giving a shit that Elvis died.

  • A white kid’s rite of passage from childhood to adulthood, is the first time they say “fuck” to their mom SUCCESSFULLY.
  • I broke up with my ex like 3 months ago, and he’s STILL sending me dirty texts! I FINALLY told him, “Dude, if I didn’t cum by now…”
  • Glee makes my vagina seal shut.
  • Cats are horrible at handshakes and hugs.
  • Anytime somebody tells me, “I’ll pray for you!” I think, “OH FUCK! To YOUR God?!”
  • I’ve finally had it with guys talking to me like they’re 12. So I just dumped my boyfriend. After I dropped him off at day camp.
  • If I had a dollar for everytime I heard “Cherry Pie” last week, I’d be a HORRIBLE stripper.
  • I only hook up with guys who are AT LEAST 23. It used to be 25, but I recently had a birthday.
  • I miss living alone. And by living alone, I mean masturbating.
  • The best thing about quitting drinking was all the free time I suddenly had. To do cocaine.
  • I REALLY love cake. And by “cake” I mean “oral.”
  • Weaves are now considered fashionable. I doubt white people thought that a few hundred years ago when it was called “scalping.”
  • I once broke up with a guy when I discovered he had a small penis. In his mouth.
  • Sometimes I worry I’m OCD. Wait… Sometimes I get worried that… FUCK! Wait… I often worry… DAMMIT!
  • I’m going to open a cupcake shop and name it Curvez. #FirstOneIsFree
  • I believe sex is the HIGHEST expression of love. For sex.
  • When ever somebody acts like a bitch to me, I assume she’s in heat. So I hump her leg.
  • It’s hard to watch people drink themselves to death. So I do my BEST to encourage them. To drink alone at home.
  • I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you. As soon as you start laughing.
  • When I attempt to have a conversation with somebody who then has nothing but Bible citations, it reminds me of my mom: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”
  • Whenever I watch Unsolved Mysteries, I wonder who the fuck abducts women and children THAT ugly.
  • I wish the weather was ALWAYS like this. #WhiteGirlThoughts
  • The last time a chick tried to get me to gossip, I IMMEDIATELY walked away. And talked shit about her.
  • I like big cocks and I cannot lie. #SirDicksALot
  • Love is like laryngitis. They both start with “L.”
  • I’ve had boyfriends that I LOVED. And I’ve had boyfriends that I’ve LIKED. More than loneliness.
  • Thunderstorms make me wet.
  • Jesus may be my co-pilot, but Satan is CLEARLY my navigator.
  • “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.” –St. Francis of Assisi
  • Some people are born who are good at EVERTHING they do. Then there are those who aren’t me.
  • You know you live in the hood when the car alarms stay on beat with the radio.
  • I never hit snooze because I fear commitment. I prefer that my tardiness be spontaneous.
  • People think I commit a lot of sins because I don’t have God. I just know that I don’t want to be an old person who is always cold.
  • It’s very difficult to explain why I enjoy being single to people who are in relationships. Especially if they are my boyfriend.
  • I’ve always wanted to have children but have never wanted to keep them.
  • I HATE hypocrites. That being said, I love you guys.
  • What do illiterate people do while they eat their cereal?
  • I have often been called a “slut,” but I prefer to think of myself as a “people pleaser.”
  • I wish my boyfriend made me want to cum as hard as I want to go.
  • Any urban squirrel’s pole work could put even the BEST stripper to shame.
  • I only date guys with long hair because I like my boyfriends unemployed or “working in entertainment.”
  • I’m either getting a huge zit on my forehead or my skull’s about to release the Kraken.
  • Safe words are for pussies and quitters.
  • My boyfriend recently started refusing to wear a condom. I sat him down and explained how that makes it unsafe to assume this may be his baby.
  • You ever get that “pee your pants” feeling, just following peeing your pants?
  • My boyfriend is always encouraging me to try new things. So I did. And he was RIGHT! HIS cock IS bigger than his brother’s.
  • I can hear my roommate moaning in the next room. It’s making me EXTREMELY excited. That the cyanide’s FINALLY working.
  • I will listen to what you do, not what you say, the moment you get to fucking off.
August 10, 2011

Celebrity Baby Names

  • Soupy Campbell, drag queen child of pie-in-the-face comedian Soupy Sales, launched his own line of soups and was promptly sued by Campbell's.

    Jesus Jonas

  • Peanut Eminem
  • Honey Fetchmea Colbert
  • We’reNot Stefani
  • Ginger Bush
  • Penny Cash
  • Rivers Cruise
  • HorseBefore des Cartes
  • Bronx Mowgli Staten Island Baloo Simpson Wentz
  • Tuch Downs
  • Charming Prinze Jr.
  • Iceberg Hardto Portman
  • Waylon Palin
  • Dee Thatcher
  • Forever Winehouse
  • Anal Spice
  • Dora Gore
  • Upper Downey Jr.
  • Tiny Danza
  • Bea White
  • Soupy Campbell
  • Favor Trader
  • Googoo Gaga
  • Illiterate Letterman
  • Ben Itration Affleck
  • Double Depp
  • Sponge Werthers
  • Imasofuckin Hammer

CONTRIBUTORS: Justin Crouch, Michelle Dee, Eric Dohman, Tony Fyler, Andrew Hicks, Eve Ventrella and Woo

edited by ANDREW HICKS

August 5, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 10

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • Don't let this old dog's air of sophistication fool you -- there's crack-cocaine in that pipe!

    If you walk a mile in a man’s shoes, that’s NOTHING compared to a man walking a mile in my “fuck me pumps.”

  • Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I have a motherfucking chainsaw.
  • As a child, I always wanted a lot of pets. Just not from my uncle.
  • All empty relationships can be aided by a full bottle.
  • You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but he will VOLUNTARILY do anything you want. Once you get him addicted to crack. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • I caught my boyfriend trying to cheat on me with a hooker! I was FURIOUS that’s how he found out about my new job.
  • In regard to my sex life, I am a proponent of the “buddy system.”
  • When I found out my boyfriend had another girlfriend, I felt REALLY bad. For her.
August 2, 2011

Famous Literary Quotes

by ANDREW HICKS, WOO, ERIC DOHMAN and TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW HICKS

“The horse owned the feed silo that the chicken ate from, the chicken would wash the car of the sheep. At one point, the donkey decided to vote Republican.”
-George Orwell, Animal Farm

“I wouldn’t call it a sex toy per se, but it does have all needed parts, my dear.”
-Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

“That’s what I have: Up Syndrome!”
-Chris Burke, My Name Is Not Corky

“YORK Jeff 2591 Hicks Pike 48791…………….414 234-03​36.”
The Real White Pages, Madison, Wis.

‎”I gave Bernie Leibowitz a toy airplane for his tenth birthday, and he never wrote me a thank you note. Who doesn’t write a thank you note? A Jew, that’s who!”
-Adolph Hitler, Mein Kampf

“At Christmas party, drink one bottle of gin and gently place breasts on copy surface. Press 100 then start.”
-Xerox 914 Operating Manual

read more »

July 27, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 9

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW J HICKS

[Do you follow J.Miz on Twitter? That’s where she’s been writing her best shit the past few weeks. Do yourself a favor, catch the J.Miz wave early. and follow @jmiz8 on Twitter. You’ll be glad you did. –AJH]

  • Normally, I'd make a smartass comment, but instead I ask, How awesome is this picture?

    Nothing tickles Jenny more than people talking in third person.

  • As I walked across a bridge, I passed a guy riding his bike across, drunk. I tip my hat to you sir! #MadSkillz
  • I have a Christian friend that is SO devout, he often REFUSES to covet his own wife.
  • I have a friend who says her anxiety feels like the moment before the first person dies in a horror flick. I’d like to sympathize, but I’m not black.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. Guys with tiny penises usually have MUCH bigger issues. #PearlsOfWisdom
  • After chopping my hair off this last time, I decided to grow it out. I got tired of people wondering how long my boyfriend’s been gay.
  • I love making myself “to do” lists, because nothing is more important than prioritizing my failures.
  • One of my worst characteristics is losing things. It all started with my virginity.
  • Donut holes are puzzling. Don’t average donuts come WITH a hole? Why does no one find this suspicious? Who is that ball trying to fool?
  • I just LOVE the feel of my boyfriend’s sweatshirt, up against my inner conflict with stealing.
July 26, 2011

Famous Last Words

by ERIC DOHMAN, WOO and WNF STAFF WRITERS
edited by ANDREW HICKS

"Hurry! Call 911! Act now! Call 911" -Billy Mays

  • “Is that Bubbles?” “No.” “I meant in the syringe.” –Michael Jackson
  • ‎”What the fuck, Brutus?” –Julius Caesar
  • ‎”Maybe I shoulda just eaten that donut.” –Karen Carpenter
  • “Always left, left, left. Let’s see what happens if I go right for a change.” – Dale Earnhardt
  • ‎”Delete all my texts from that black chick.” –Thomas Jefferson
  • ‎”Fuck, I forgot the eyebrows.” –Leonardo DaVinci
  • ‎”I’m on a horse!” –Christopher Reeve
  • “Maybe I was TOO easy?” -Eazy E
  • “Birds. I dedicated my life to a bunch of fucking birds.” –J.J. Audubon
  • ‎”A Tyson fight? I am SO there! Just let me finish this 827 hours of recording time, that’ll in no way fuel rumors that I faked my death by continuing to release CDs posthumously. -Tupac Shakur
  • ‎”If the casket fit… oh… oh shit.” -Johnnie L. Cochran Jr.
  • “O.J., that knife is too big to cut up veggies.” –Nicole Brown Simpson
  • “That white light’s way too small for me to fit through.” –Andre the Giant
  • ‎”I’m still alive, FUCKER!” –Betty White
July 24, 2011

Inappropriate Candy Product Names

by WOO and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • SweetSharts
  • Senior Mo’Mints
  • 3 Musky Skeeters
  • Reese’s Peanut Butter D-Cups: “When you hunger for more than a handful!”
  • Charleston Jew
  • Razonets: “Sharper than ever!”
  • Allmen Joy
  • Jelly Beaners: “¡Son tan dulces!”
  • Skattles
  • ‎Reasonits: “Tofu coated in Kierkegaard”
  • Bling Pops
  • Mounds Deferens
July 22, 2011

Toy News

by JAMES DRAPER, TONY FYLER and ERIC DOHMAN
edited by ANDREW HICKS

creatively conceived by JAMES DRAPER

THIS WEEK’S TOP NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE TOY WORLD

  • Fans shocked when Slinky comes out of closet totally straight
  • World Champion Memory player loses game somewhere in house
  • Panel of small children judges box “better than the toy” for 97th-straight year
  • GI Joe takes advantage of DADT repeal, says he’s now free to be himself on front lines
  • Mr. Potato Head’s parts stolen; crestfallen kids’ toy left with blank look on face
  • Weeble shot in ass, wobbles, falls down
  • Teddy Ruxpin confirms worst suspicions, slaughters family while singing happy songs
  • Big Wheel has tires chewed up by neighborhood dog, develops traction
  • Red Rider production line halted after child shoots eye out with BB gun
  • Legos Eggo’d
  • Slip ‘n Slide launches “Lay Down ‘n Nap” toy for elderly
  • Thomas the Tank: “I’ve always dealt with body image issues”
July 20, 2011

New Facebook Slogans

Facebook - Because you can't throw a sheep on Twitter.

Facebook – Share the stuff you care about with people you mostly don’t.

Facebook – When the world needs to know you’ve farted, accept no substitute!

Facebook – Yep, I still have only one black friend.

Facebook – Porn intermission.

Facebook – Accidentally letting your boss know you think he’s a douche has never been easier.

Facebook – Proving one good profile pic can make any woman popular.

Facebook – Where attention seeking mothers come to ignore their kids.

Facebook – Dear stalkers: You’re welcome.

Facebook – Where you can pretend you have 400 friends.

Facebook – Check out these ugly people’s ugly kids!

Facebook – It’s on the computer, so it looks like you’re working!

Facebook – Answering the question, “Whose birthday can I not give a shit about today?”

Facebook – Where socially anxious people can still be social.

Facebook – Completely obsolete since 2013.

read more »

July 18, 2011

WNF 101

You've found it! We're Not Funny, a comedy blog written by a group of writers, comedians and friends. We have nearly 300 original comedy posts here. To begin reading and enjoying, click the logo on the top of this page.

So you’re new to reading the WNF website? Or you want to revisit a favorite old  post? Here are a few quick ones to consider:

WNF Beers

Eight new parody beer labels from the WNF Macrobrewery.

Catching Up With the Caught

“To Catch a Predator: Where Are They Now? Edition”

12 Words Come Out of Closet

SOHO, NEW YORK — A dozen English language words, ranging from the commonly used “Under” and “Pitcher” to the more obscure “Catcher” and “Obscure,” stood onstage together at a press conference Monday to announce that they are gay.

Klan Kalls It Kwits

With membership down, the KKK re-brands its image.

Cleanup in Aisle 6

Ever view your trip through the supermarket checkout lane as your five minutes to perform for a captive audience of one?

Paired Facebook Likes

When you click “like” on two different Facebook pages, Facebook runs an announcement on your friends’ newsfeeds, with those items listed as a pair. (EX. Andrew Hicks likes Obesity and Big Macs.”) These are some classic actual examples.

My 5 Most Abused Forms of Alcohol

WNF co-founder and editor in chief Andrew Hicks, who spent a decade as a monster lush, looks back on his time spent with beer, wine, vodka, whiskey and tequila, in that order.

Know Your WNFer

Get to know the founders and senior contributors of We’re Not Funny, some of whom are no longer with us. (By which we mean, they left the group. They’re not dead. That we know of.)

July 17, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 8

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

J.Miz will watch your brown baby for half-price, but he has to bring his own smokes.

  • I’m often told to think before I talk by people who talk.
  • I prefer casual sex. Formal sex is way too uptight.
  • This 5-year-old kid just offered me a dollar for ONE cigarette. I was speechless when I thought about how DISGUSTING my profitability index was going to be.
  • My favorite part of summer is when the stores put their racks outside for sidewalk steals.
  • Vegans are incapable of having beef with anyone.
  • My second favorite sex position is called the Don’t Be Boring.
  • I was going to have a yard sale for some extra cash, but it seemed too much like share cropping.
  • I stand up against the ideals of Hitler one hair coloring and spray tan at a time.
  • I wish I could remember what my friend said heroin is like. But I was WAY too distracted by the crack I was smoking at the time.
July 16, 2011

Lost Rock Concept Collaborations

edited by ANDREW HICKS
creatively conceived by ERTEL GRAY and SARACAKES

Metallica scores movie starring Kermit and Miss Piggy: MASTER OF MUPPETS.

Woody Allen writes lyrics for Madonna album: NEUROTICA.

Courtney Love and Jonathan Davis hit the road: THE KORN/HOLE TOUR.

Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham’s album tribute to dance fads: FLEETWOOD MACARENA.

On the road with Styx and The Stones: THE WE’LL BREAK YOUR BONES TOUR.

Snoop Dogg’s long-awaited children’s album: HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGYSTYLE IN THE WINDOW?

Britney Spears covers Pink Floyd: COMFORTABLY DUMB.

read more »

July 7, 2011

Song Challenge 17: Song That Would Play As You Stepped Up To a Major League Batter’s Box

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

30-DAY SONG CHALLENGE, DAY 17
SONG THAT WOULD PLAY AS YOU STEPPED UP TO A MAJOR LEAGUE BATTER’S BOX

"Mark McGwire likes Guns 'N Roses. You will play some Guns 'N Roses for Mark McGwire NOOOWWWWWWW!!!!"

JESSICA STIMSON
Hit Me With Your Best Shot” by Linda Ronstadt. I could be totally wrong on the artist. My apologies if I am.

DRIFT ROBERTS
Pat Benatar. Have that one on vinyl. I may secretly be 44 years old.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Gotta be Big Pun‘s “Still Not a Player.” (“I’m not a playa, I just crush a lot.”) Big Pun was my favorite 700-pound rapper of all times. I’m not slight of build, but damn, that guy was a fat motherfucker. When you’re outfitting your living room with cargo-type doors and having furniture specially made, I would think a person might say to him/herself, “Maybe it’s time for a salad.”

WOO
“Ready or Not,” The Fugees.

MICHELLE DEE
Woo lies. I see him walking up to bat with Rick Ross‘s “Hustlin'” playing. Then proceeding to dry hump the catcher, Kat Williams-style.

WOO
Holy shit, I forgot about “Hustlin'”! What’s wrong with me? I CALL REDO. “Hustlin'” it is!

EMILY TOOPS
LL Cool J, ‎”Mama Said Knock You Out.” It’s also my hypothetical WWE ring entrance music.

SCOTTY HARRIS
As someone who thinks baseball is the worst thing on the planet, I think I would have to play any song that might get people to quit paying to watch this horrible sport and indirectly signing million dollar contracts for people to hit a fucking ball. I hate all professional sports, but at least in football you run the risk of getting paralyzed for being such a douche to begin with. So, maybe a two-hour loop of Michael Richards‘ meltdown. Backed with the “Barney” theme song. With vocals by Yoko Ono. And William Hung.

J.MIZ
I’m with Scotty. I’d write my own song called “SOMEBODY HELP! WTF AM I DOING HERE?! UNLESS I’M ON A SHIT-TON OF ACID, THEN I’LL PITCH A NO HITTER.”

ALLISON STEIN
“Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns ‘N Roses. (“You’re in the jungle baby! / I wanna watch you bleed!”)

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
Yup, that was Mark McGwire‘s at-bat music whilst he played for the Cardinals.

ALLISON STEIN
I attribute that song choice to possible ‘roid rage: “Hey Mark, what song would you like to be played as you come up to the batter’s box?” “I want ‘Welcome to Jungle.'” Then he plays some ferocious air guitar and beats the shit out of some poor teammate.

INSCRUTABLE JEFFREY TROTTER
When Matt Morris was a Cardinal, he would come out to Phish‘s “Weekapaug Groove.” The idea that he might be playing baked always made me smile.

RYAN KRAUSE
Jumbo Shrimp, “Fuck Your Shit Up.” I only am called to the plate when they need a “game changer,” and that song definitely is a game changer!

July 6, 2011

This Week in J.Miz, Volume 7

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

A Hispanic Fourth of July celebration includes ornate costuming, delicious carne asada and absolutely no gunfire.

TUESDAY

  • My name is Jennifer, and I am addicted to introductions.
  • Anything over six degrees of Kevin Bacon would be entirely too hot.
  • Modern vernacular has made it so I cannot be merry and carefree without being homosexual.
  • My new boyfriend kept yelling out other girls’ names during sex. I FINALLY sat him down and said, “Look, What’s-Your-Name…”
  • I considered formally calling myself “agnostic,” but I’m still on the fence.

 

MONDAY

  • This July 4th, I will remember our forefathers and all those who have died in the name of pyromania.
  • Spending the day barbecuing, enjoying the sun and drinking good wine makes me grateful for the little things, like being white.
  • Fourth of July reminds me that I truly am free… to dress like a proud American slut.
  • I love living in a Hispanic neighborhood during Fourth of July! The smell of carne asada, the mariachi music, the knowledge that those noises in the distance are fireworks, not gunshots. Because Mexicans stab each other.
  • If I ever started doing heroin, I’d go to rehab immediately. I don’t know of any other place so full of people who would help me get more heroin.
  • There are times I have to dumb myself down or, as I like to call it, be a man.

 

SUNDAY

  • I’ve decided to keep a safe distance from my boyfriend until he can love incommunicably.
  • Every time I wish on a star, I realize how insignificant it is to wish on stars.
  • I like my boyfriend like I like my coffee: First thing in the morning, hot as hell and then out of my sight for the rest of the day.
  • I have yet to fuck the couch in my new place, but it seems like a nice enough couch.
  • I finally decided to say yes to my boyfriend’s marriage proposal! That’s how much I love open bars.

 

SATURDAY

  • At Walmart, I was next to a guy in a riding cart. Mentally, I began to race him. I won. Nice try, Americans with Disabilities Act, but functioning legs are still better.
  • According to the CDC, unprotected sex may result in chronic, terminal acronyms.
  • My boyfriend is a real stickler for me using forethought in my word choices. So I always stop and think seriously before I call him a bitch.
  • My younger boyfriend gets sick over the age difference. I’ve learned nothing helps his huge headache more than two “big boy” asprins.
  • I will not say “fuck you,” but I will say “fuck thee.”

 

FRIDAY

  • I’ve thought about getting a second cat, but I don’t want to be known as the “lady who loves cats.” Instead, I got a rooster.
  • I don’t know about you, but techno music speaks to me. It’s in my ear, saying, “I’m an awkward, middle-aged white guy in a suit, drinking vodka and Vitamin Water.”
  • My boyfriend and I have opposite sleep schedules, but we accept it. A small thing like that isn’t enough to break us of our respective cocaine and Xanax habits.
  • A career in stand-up would greatly interfere with my current one, which is fundamentally based on “lay-down.”
  • I completely understood my boyfriend’s Oedipus issues the moment I saw the way he interacts with his mom as she blows him.
  • Have you ever smelled so bad you had to admit it publicly on the Internet?
  • I haven’t heard from my boyfriend today. Duct tape is AWESOME!

 

THURSDAY

  • I always wanted to date an amputee with a speech impediment so he could tell me he “nubs” me.
  • The only issue I have with my childhood is them calling it “rape.” Do you know how long it took me to seduce my uncle?!
  • Society sends too many mixed messages to women. We are pressured to have children but are arrested if we borrow them.
  • Like a sand through the hourglass, a teeny tiny grain of cock. #GuysIDoNotMiss

 

WEDNESDAY

  • Einstein proved that elevated clocks move faster due to less gravity. Addicts have proven that, when they are truly higher, gravity has flavor.
  • To those who don’t find humor in scientific jokes: I’m sure Jesus loves the shit out of you.
  • Friends do not let friends buy coke at full price.
  • My boyfriend’s bachelor’s in theater direction was useless until he found work in the porn industry cock blocking.
  • No matter how many times you change the lie, it still doesn’t become the truth.
  • My boyfriend is so dumb and naive, I have him convinced < 3 is a math equation I post on facebook to my gay best friend Steve.
  • My boyfriend commited suicide on my last birthday. I know, I know. You’re thinking, how will I EVER get a better present than that?!
July 4, 2011

Great Dates in U.S. History

by ANDREW HICKS and WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Paul Revere was the only Founding Father who had his own genie.

1773 – During a fierce intercontinental orgy, Paul Revere first shouts his signature phrase, “The British are coming!”

1776 – Signing day for the Declaration of Independence, and no one brings a pen. An enterprising Edward Papermate sells his first 12 pack of crappy disposables.

1792 – After years of horrible dry-mouthed hangovers, Eli Whitney scraps his original “cotton gin” project.

1812 – Some war is fought that future generations won’t know shit about.

1833 – At Strom Thurmond‘s Super Sweet 16 party, Strom yells at his dad for getting him a Mexican slave as a birthday gift. (“But Dad! I said I wanted a black one! You’re ruining my life! This birthday sucks! I HATE YOU!”)

1863 – One hour after awakening from a wicked bender, Abraham Lincoln is heard to scream, “I freed WHO?!”

1865 – Despite a very promising horoscope, Robert E. Lee realizes today is NOT going to be a good day.

1906Orville and Wilbur Wright each eat five grams of psilocybin mushrooms and REALLY fly.

1929 – America is plunged into a Great Depression. For a decade, America lies on the couch in sweatpants all day and night, with curtains drawn, getting no enjoyment from everyday activity.

1938 – The automobile is given a back seat, leading to a population explosion.

1963Ralph Kramden is arrested for domestic violence after finally sending Alice to the moon.

1969 – While walking on the moon, Neil Armstrong retrieves a dazed Alice and brings her back to Earth.

1981Wham! is formed, and American/British relations become very gay.

1984Nancy Reagan tells America’s youth to “just say no” to drugs, while Ronald Reagan orders the CIA to infiltrate the nation’s ghettos with a shit-ton of crack cocaine.

1985 – No cure for Parkinson’s disease is found.

1989 – Release of comedy classic Look Who’s Talking. We just love that movie. It’s Bruce Willis doing the voice over for a baby — come on, what’s not to love?

‎1995Monica Lewinsky gets private lessons on how to smoke a cigar. With her vagina.

2001Michael J. Fox takes the Delorean back to 1985 to find a cure for Parkinson’s disease.

‎2009 – The socially disturbing documentary Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia is released. Virginia, which politely asked West Virginia to leave 150 years ago, now files for a legal separation.

2011 – Comedy website We’re Not Funny celebrates its 200th post on July 5.

CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Eric Dohman, James Draper, Buddah Eskew, Ryan Krause, Saracakes and Lola Tucker

July 3, 2011

Our Favorite Presidents

by ANDREW HICKS and BUDDAH ESKEW
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Every U.S. president (Not pictured: The black guy)

George W. Bush — Just kidding.

Gerald Ford — You’ve gotta love the fact that this guy never got elected, which means he didn’t have to make promises to voters, corporations or party allies, and he still pissed off a ton of people with all the shit he didn’t get done.

John F. Kennedy — There are five main reasons we love JFK: because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe, because he banged Marilyn Monroe and because he banged Marilyn Monroe.

William Henry Harrison — Due to the fact that he caught pneumonia at his own inauguration and died a month later, Harrison will forever be known to history as Funniest President Ever. What a joker!

Andrew Jackson — Twenty dolla bill, y’all!

Abraham Lincoln — Freed the slaves so that we may enjoy what is known today as the NBA. Also, Abraham Lincoln was a good old man / He hopped out the window with his dick in his hand / He said, “Excuse me ladies, I’m doin my duty / So pull down your pants, and give me some booty.”*

James Madison — Enforced something called the Non-Intercourse Act, which sounds like a law we would absolutely hate, but Madison’s wife Dolly could make some wicked snack cakes. Bonus!

Richard Nixon — Promptly at 4 pm every day, Nixon had a dainty tea party on the White House lawn with the voices in his head. We like tea, and we LOVE schizophrenics!

Ronald Reagan — His presidential accomplishments sometimes overshadow his body of acting work, but allow us to say: Reagan’s performance in the 1991 surfer crime caper Point Break was a trickle-down of pure brilliance. He shot Keanu Reeves, for chrissakes! And, if you pay close attention, you can spot Reagan in the original Contra game for the NES.

Franklin Roosevelt — In 1932, after a particularly shitty hand in a poker game, FDR jokingly requested a “new deal.” The rest is history.

Teddy Roosevelt — Had a vision of passing a law that would make it punishable by firing squad for any man to walk into a Starbucks and order a Soy Mocha Coconut Frappuccino® Light with non-fat cream and cinnamon sprinkles. You get coffee and bacon, dammit!

William Howard Taft — This dude was like all Three Stooges rolled into one. Lay off the pork rinds, fatty!

Martin Van Buren — Our eighth president only served one term, but sources say he was hung like a Clydesdale.

*Reference 2 Live Crew‘s “Nursery Rhymes”

ADDITIONAL CONTRIBUTORS: Jeff Bailey, Ertel Gray and Woo

July 2, 2011

Why We Love America

by WE’RE NOT FUNNY
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • In America, we get our daily exercise by taking the dog for a nice, long walk.

    As a nation, we have been unbelievably tolerant of broads, negroes, homos and retards.

  • A pound of fresh fruit costs eight times the price of a box of Kraft Mac-N-Cheese.
  • We complain about gas prices while paying $6.40 a gallon for bottled water.
  • We have Florida for a penis.
  • They took away Milli Vanilli‘s Grammy.
  • This simple irony: America is working hard to kill off its working class.
  • America has successfully facilitated the three-way union of hillbillies, paintball guns and the TV show Cheaters.
  • Personal anecdote: During a private fireworks display last Fourth of July, everyone was watching the fireworks in the sky. Everyone, that is, except the 637-pound gentleman sitting in a lawnchair about to explode from pressure, eating a plate of brownies. Your average plate of brownies might contain two or three brownies, but this dude’s PLATE OF BROWNIES held two or three dozen chocolate squares. The dark night must’ve been messing with his brownie-plate visibility, because he quickly ripped the glow-stick necklace off his son’s neck and ringed it around his paper plate, so he wouldn’t miss any of his chocolate delight. This is by far the most broadly stereotypical American thing any We’re Not Funny staffer has ever witnessed, and it still makes us tear up.
  • We capitalize on unfortunate everyday circumstances — having a car or storage unit repossessed — and make them into killer cable reality TV.
  • In America, we save water in our public pools. Recipe: Fill two-thirds, then add 10 McDonald’s-grease-laden plumpy fuckers. Then watch the water level magically rise to the top.
  • We have Twofer Tuesdays. Try getting that in a non-American-speaking country like Mexico. ¿Dos por Martes? We’re not buying that for a second!
  • We blame our iniquities on other cultures. Didn’t pay you for the bet I made? I welshed on it. Conned you into selling me your 2002 Honda for half of its value? I gyped you. Told you that you could have my CD collection but didn’t give it up? I was an Indian giver. Tried to haggle you on price? I was Jewing you down. I did something stupid? I’m a Polack. I knocked on your door and ran away? Well, we’ll leave that one out…
  • Only in America would you be given every opportunity known to the human race, only to find yourself 50 years old, toothless, broke, living in a trailer park and proudly owning a Cadillac Escalade. We love American priorities.
  • We get to make fun of everything we love, including our country.

CONTRIBUTORS: Andrew Cline, Michelle Dee, Eric Dohman, Scotty Harris, J.Miz, Ryan Krause, Lola Tucker and Woo

June 28, 2011

Idiomatic

"A Fool And His Money Are Easily Parted." Very easily, I assume, as I don't even remember having any money.

by WOO

“A House Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand.” Unless it was just a double-wide mobile home being moved.

“A Bird In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush.” A dick in the hand isn’t getting any ‘bush.’ That’s why it’s in the hand.

“A Leopard Can’t Change His Spots.” Which is very unfortunate for the summer fashion season.

“You Can’t Judge A Book By Its Cover.” You can, however, judge its author.

read more »

June 26, 2011

Dear 16-Year-Old Self

by ALLISON STEIN and THE WOMEN OF WNF
edited by ANDREW HICKS

Dear 16-year-old self: You're gonna grow up to be Demi Moore in overalls.

Dear 16-year-old self:

  • Your brother’s obsession with hand lotion is NOT because he has dry skin.
  • Just because you don’t have boobs yet doesn’t mean that you wont have D’s later on in life. But your boyfriend who told you, in the back seat of his mom’s car, that his small penis is going to “get bigger” when he reaches full-on adulthood… well, that kid is sadly mistaken.
  • Penis is nothing to be afraid of. It is to be mastered and conquered, and with that comes immeasurable power.
  • Weed isn’t that bad, and your mom will never notice. Just try it.
  • You know how you wanted to get your period so you could be a real woman? Yeah, it sucks, don’t it?
    read more »

June 25, 2011

Devil’s Guide to the 21st Century

by TONY FYLER
edited by ANDREW J HICKS


[EDITOR’S NOTE: Tony Fyler presents the following definitions with respectful acknowledgment to the great journalist Ambrose Bierce, who wrote the original Devil’s Dictionary in 1911. -AJH]

A: Indefinite article. (See also: “Sarah Palin’s Brain.”)

Advertising: A subtle combination of lies, damned lies and statistics.

American football: A good run, ruined.

Axis of Evil: A collective term for the nations of Iran, Iraq and North Korea. Any student of geography or geometry of course knows that these three countries do not form an axis of any kind. If using straight lines, they are at best an Angle of Evil. If curves are allowed into the proposition, they become an Arc of Evil. Both of these more accurate terms, however, were discarded as being insufficiently terrifying.

read more »

June 22, 2011

More Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz

by J.MIZ
edited by ANDREW HICKS

  • This season's trendy sheep costume for wolves includes fully functioning facial features and 400-threadcount Egyptian cotton.

    When life gives you lemons, rub one out and take a nap.

  • A wolf in sheep’s clothing should not be feared. Rather, it should be revered as nature’s most fabulous tranny.
  • Every cloud has a silver lining that will turn your neck green.
  • It’s only after walking a mile in another man’s shoes that you can truly realize, that guy’s a prick!
  • Two in the bush is worth one in the stink.
  • There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but most are illegal except in the Appalachians.
  • It takes a village to run a brothel.
  • When you wish upon a star, God kills a kitten somewhere in Iowa.
  • The straw that broke the camel’s back was a fat woman named Enid from Queens.
  • “It’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean,” is a stone cold lie.
  • Music calms the glowsticked raver.
  • The family that prays together is not that different from Jonestown.
  • Man cannot live on meth alone.
  • “See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil,” is why good hookers are expensive.
  • Tomorrow is a new day for life to kick you square in the dick.
  • Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course you’re a cannibal.
  • The first step is admitting that you’re powerless over assholes and need to find new friends.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, try roofies and KY.
  • Time waits for no man, and sadly some men don’t wait for you to cum.
  • Certainty? In this world, nothing is certain but HPV and porn.
  • Putting all your eggs in one basket is basically what goes on with Mormons and the British monarchy.
  • All that glitters can be found in Lil Wayne’s closet.
  • Love thy brother as thyself. Dutch Rudders do not make you gay.
  • Spare the rod and spoil the woman, because dildos are so much better.
  • Don’t count your chickens before you make an omelette.
  • Where two or more are gathered in my name, that is a J.Miz fan club.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Read the original “Pearls of Wisdom from J.Miz” here.